Tag Archives: nuns

  fuck it we'll do it live!

Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)

O'Reilly, you magnificent bastard, we'll never read your book
Oh hey guys, some shocking and unfathomable breaking news: Bill O’Reilly repeatedly said he was somewhere and saw something when he was not in fact there and did not in fact see that thing — to the fainting couch, we know! — but it’s you liberal pinheads’ fault for not understanding the utter greatness and unimpeachable veracity of Bill O’Reilly, Hero of the People 17 Octogenarians Who Still Watch Cable News. And what did Bill-O — last seen lying about witnessing a JFK assassination figure’s suicide even though he was, you know, in a completely different city — say this time for you dumb hippies to intentionally misconstrue, because something something character assassination something something Benghazi? Read more on Truthful Newsman Bill O’Reilly Did Too See Those Nuns Shot Dead (No He Didn’t)…
  today we are all sportsball fans

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special NFL Crams Michael Sam Down America’s Throats Edition

You better believe that the St. Louis Rams drafting Michael Sam, the first openly gay football-flavored sportsball player, in the seventh round of the NFL draft, is one of the lead stories in today’s New York Times. The Times does its usual dispassionate bit of reporting about it, but if you’d like to tear up a bit about the whole thing, go watch the video (ESPN had cameras at Sam’s house) of Sam tearing up and hugging and kissing his boyfriend. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special NFL Crams Michael Sam Down America’s Throats Edition…
  nobody knows the troubles i've seen

Peggy Noonan Is So Sad Government She’s Been Working Her Whole Career To Break Is Now Broken

A new week broke in New York, but for Peggy Noonan, the depression that had invaded her soul like a column of Norman knights landing at Waterford kept her sluggish and listless as she moped about her chastely appointed apartment safe above the teeming hordes of Manhattan. Perhaps it was the long and brutal winter that had caused Hippocrates’s black bile to snuggle itself around her heart like a highly polished brown cordovan around the foot of history’s greatest president. Perhaps it was the encroaching doom she sensed coming at her from the city’s new Communist mayor ensconced in the Politburo in City Hall Park, where he was consolidating his power and plotting the destruction of New York’s better (and, needless to say, wealthier) citizens. Everywhere she rambled in the apartment she felt small, insignificant, alone. Even the portrait of Robert Taft had gone silent, refusing to share its advice for the Tea Party about how to play nice with others or what could be done about the Blackamoor who still occupied her beloved Ronnie’s old house down in the nation’s capital. Speaking of the brutish and arrogant tyrant, he would be giving his yearly State of the Union on Tuesday, a spectacle Peggy had been dreading for days. She supposed she would tune in and watch anyway. After all, her snippy little broadsides at the man were what kept the mortgage paid and the liquor cabinet stocked. Read more on Peggy Noonan Is So Sad Government She’s Been Working Her Whole Career To Break Is Now Broken…
  little sisters of perpetual grievance

Now It Is These Nuns Who Are Being Kind Of Dicks

Sonia Sotomayor singlehandedly stopped Obamacare in its tracks on New Year’s Eve when she granted some nuns a temporary injunction from having to comply with a part of the Affordable Care Act while their lawsuit is being appealed. Except that the only thing that’s especially noteworthy about the injunction is that it was issued by a Supreme Court justice, rather than by the appeals court — it’s actually a pretty routine move, and the real surprise may be that the injunction wasn’t granted by the tenth Circuit court, which Sotomayor oversees. No, wait, actually, the real real surprise is probably that the Catholic nonprofits’ suit is going forward at all, since as Slate points out, the ACA already allows religious-affiliated groups to not pay for contraceptive coverage in employees’ health insurance. But they have to sign a form requesting that exemption. Once they sign that form, they will not have to pay for non-Catholic employees’ slut-pills, but then those slutty non-Catholics will still be able to get slut pills, paid for by the insurers, not the employers. This is still far too much complicity in the machinery of baby-prevention, so the Little Sisters of No Contraception No Way Never refuse to sign the form asking for the exemption. We are pretty sure Sister Mary Yossarian is feeling pretty oppressed by the whole sordid business. Read more on Now It Is These Nuns Who Are Being Kind Of Dicks…
  they see me rollin'

Pope Tells Priests And Nuns To Drive More Boring Cars

Oh, man, New Pope is doing that thing again, where he says stuff that makes us like him even if he is that head of a big corrupt institution that does evilnasty things. But we give him credit for trying to turn some of that down, what with the living in a little apartment and not eating gold and stuff, and so let’s have a little cheer for some comments Saturday that would probably bring a smile to the face of his simple-living namesake. In a talk to trainee priests and nuns, New Pope said that they should avoid fancy material possessions and instead concentrate on helping the poor. That shouldn’t be news — it’s no “New Pope Blesses Bikers” — but considering that the papacy is notorious for Prada slippers and a level of décor that Donald Trump considers a tad overdone, it’s news. Read more on Pope Tells Priests And Nuns To Drive More Boring Cars…
  nobody left but pedo-priests

Priest Booted For Failing To Be As Terrible As Pope

Happy Day-Before-Thanksgiving, Wonkette fans. Have you been making your list of what you are thankful for? We at Wonkette are deeply thankful that we haven’t had to write about something awful the Catholic Church has done in, oh, minutes!  GAH. Catholic Church please stop being horrible long enough for last week’s awfulness to roll off the Wonkette front page. What has the Church managed to do this time? Did they let someone die instead of giving them necessary reproductive health care? Did they let yet another of their priests get rape-y with a young person? Did they weigh in on how the ladiez may make a babby? YES, YES, and OF COURSE YES. But those are PAST horrible things. Today brings us a whole new, more nuanced horrible thing: throwing out a priest for having the temerity (YES WE SAID TEMERITY. DEAL) to believe that perhaps ladies could be priests too: A long-running struggle between Catholic authorities and the Rev. Roy Bourgeois over his support for ordaining women has ended with Bourgeois’ dismissal from the priesthood and his religious order, the Maryknoll Fathers and Brothers. A statement from Maryknoll on Monday (Nov. 19) confirmed that the Vatican’s office for orthodoxy, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, laicized Bourgeois last month. The move stems from Bourgeois’ participation in an August 2008 ordination rite in Lexington, Ky., for Janice Sevre-Duszynska. The ceremony was not recognized by the Vatican and took place under the auspices of a group called Roman Catholic Womanpriests, which rejects the church teaching on the all-male priesthood. Read more on Priest Booted For Failing To Be As Terrible As Pope…
  fight for your right to poverty

Hero Congressman Defends America From Commie Socialist Nuns

Nuns are so sweet and all, trying to help others and whatnot, but they really should maybe think twice about all the barnstorming they are doing around the country lately until they take a class in civics, or math. This barnstorming, it is dividing America, says Rep. Scott Tipton (R-Money), a Romney surrogate from Colorado who spoke to ThinkProgress after the debates last week. The nuns should probably work on job creation, rather than on just coddling the poor and turning them into a gigantic moocher class. Read more on Hero Congressman Defends America From Commie Socialist Nuns…
  now that's a death panel

Mitt Romney Just Delighted To Wave Around His Blood-Soaked Death Squad Dollars

So, you know this picture? Wonkette editor Kris E. Benson likes to run it a lot. You’ve seen it 50 times maybe. Or 500, who knows? (Personally, our Romney-pic go-to is romneyapplauds.jpg.) So it turns out this picture is of Romney and pals celebrating their initial funding. And since Your Wonkette is like the Sesame Street of unspeakable atrocities, we learned something about this initial funding just yesterday! What was that something? Just the small matter that Bain Capital’s initial startup money came from the backers (and sometimes the fronters!) of El Salvador’s death squads. Oh pooh, you say, nobody but stupid commies cares about Latin American death squads. (And nuns. Nuns care a lot. So like we said, nobody but stupid commies cares about Latin American death squads.) Read more on Mitt Romney Just Delighted To Wave Around His Blood-Soaked Death Squad Dollars…
  a history of violence

Iowa Congressman Cannot Even Breathe, He Is Laughing So Hard About Doing Violence To Nuns

What is the funniest joke you heard today? Did it have dicks in it? It probably had dicks in it. What is the best joke Iowa congressman Tom Latham has heard lately? “There’s a bus-ful of nuns headed toward Washington to lobby againt the Ryan Plan. Could you, do you have any power to pull the bus full of nuns over and pistol-whip them?” When he finished hearing the radio-show host telling this great joke, Latham laughed so hard great gobs of emphysema flew from his lungs, that is how hard he laughed! Chortle chortle wheeze wheeze [he died]. Read more on Iowa Congressman Cannot Even Breathe, He Is Laughing So Hard About Doing Violence To Nuns…
  you tell 'em

Pope Yells at Nuns For Acting Too Much Like Jesus, Not Enough Like Pope

Nazi Pope Joseph Ratzinger is so proud of his image as the CEO of a lucrative club for child rapists who runs around modeling Prada shoes and phallic hats that he is going to celebrate, by scolding some nuns for failing to be enough like the Pope. He ordered one of his henchmen to sneak up on a group of American nuns visiting the Vatican this week and give them a letter informing them generally of their neglect for their fundamental Catholic duty to worry feverishly about other people’s genitalia while also ridiculing them specifically for their work advocating for social justice and tending to the poor and sick. Think we’re exaggerating even the tiniest bit? Take bets now! (Just kidding. Don’t, because that would be foolish.) Read more on Pope Yells at Nuns For Acting Too Much Like Jesus, Not Enough Like Pope…
  no respect

Stupak Throws Nice Nun Ladies Under The Bus

Now that all of the Catholic thingies, except the arch-pedophile Catholic Bishops, have endorsed passing the health care bill, mean old Bart Stupak is trying to show that, well, HE KNOWS MORE ABOUT CATHOLICISM THAN THEY DO SO SHUT UP. According to Bart Stupak’s Catholicism, any health care bill that a United States Congress can pass is just rife with all sorts of terrible abortions, so you have to ban abortion first, basically. But what about those 59,000 nuns?, a person who knows less about Catholicism than Bart Stupak (anyone) might ask. Well, Bart Stupak hates those broads too. Read more on Stupak Throws Nice Nun Ladies Under The Bus…
  commies

59,000 Nuns Love ObamabortionCare

Don’t know about you people, but we trust America’s old virgin nuns much more than we do the Catholic Bishops, who just run an ancient kiddie-rape cult, since they can’t have sex with the virgin nuns and are also pedophiles. And guess what, the old bats love socialism: “Meanwhile, in a rare public disagreement that will reverberate among the nation’s 70 million Catholics, leaders of religious orders representing 59,000 nuns sent lawmakers a letter urging them to pass the Senate health care bill.” And there can’t be many more than 59,000 nuns in this country, right? Who becomes a nun? [AP] Read more on 59,000 Nuns Love ObamabortionCare…
 

Nun Charged For Doing Little Boys

The Blowvember winds blow as briskly as ever, but their patterns are shifting towards the… vagina… direction. On Monday, a 79-year-old Catholic nun, Norma Giannini, plead no contest to accusation that she did little boys or something while teaching in Milwaukee in the ’60s. Things like this are why Wonkette approves of the culture wars. Read more on Nun Charged For Doing Little Boys…
 

Black Nail Polish Seems A Bit Goth for an Aspiring Nun

But the Catholic Church is desperate for new recruits — and beggars can’t be choosers. The Post reports on the Church’s new recruitment drive: Recent local campaigns have… [used] posters, pamphlets and newspaper ads to show that priests are anything but lonely and isolated. One of them features the slogan “Life’s Great in Black and White” and a photo of a group of young priests smiling and laughing. Other churches have picked up the catchphrase “Men in Black,” using it on posters riffing off the Hollywood movie or as the name of a team of priests who travel to parishes to shoot hoops and talk about their work. Read more on Black Nail Polish Seems A Bit Goth for an Aspiring Nun…