Every human with a brain clearly understands that the best way to “deal with North Korea” at this point or really any point is to nuke Kim Jong Il in the butt, kill all of its civilians (children first, because what do they know?), donate the women to Wall Street banks which can use them as reserves against further drops in mortgage-backed securities, e-mail Texas’ oil to North Korean aquifers so that it might be drilled up, for profit, Establish Free Markets of dildo retail chains, and what else, oh right, let American colonizers vote for shit periodically. This is the respectable centrist opinion, and the government is ready to just run with it once it gets maybe 2 or 3 more specific details about how to actually carry out the invasion of this country. Fortunately, for them, a Pajamas Media columnist has UMM ALREADY DONE THIS? MORE »

Hey everyone, it’s September 9 today, meaning that in only two days it’ll be… what will it be?… uh oh, WE FORGOT. HA HA HA, boy howdy. But yes: in two days it will be the seven (7) year anniversary of the day Rudy Giuliani couldn’t protect his own city from being attacked by commercial airplanes. And so for the next few days the Main Stream Media will “celebrate” with a slew of op-eds that sound like they were written in October, 2001. In today’s New York Times, for example, the Atlantic’s Jeffrey Goldberg has written the most terrifying, apocalyptic piece so far this season: that we have a 50% chance of getting nuked by terrorists in the next 10 years, according to Experts. MORE »

Be warned: America’s class of neoconservatives have suddenly grown a POWERFUL NEW BONER. Russia and Georgia’s conflict 20 billion miles away has opened the door for the New Cold World War III, this time with SURROUND SOUND AND TEMPERATURE CONTROLLING CUP HOLDERS AND DIGITAL FIRE STEAMFUCK LIBERTY NUKES. Have no fear, because whenever a former Commie aggressor threatens God’s Democracy somewhere in the world, there’ll always be a Kagan somewhere just stone cold writin’ killer op-eds denouncing those fuckers. MORE »

George W. Bush has two great ambitions in life: to be the president of Major League Baseball, and to bomb Iran. He will accomplish the second in his waning days in public office before retiring and turning his attention to the very important task of running the sport of baseball into the ground. MORE »

Today, Russia’s first shipment of uranium left for Iran. Reportedly, Russia had been holding up the shipments (and construction of the power plant for which the uranium is supposedly destined) to try to make Iran more compliant with the IAEA or something, but I guess they needed the rubles in time for the Orthodox Christmas/make-believe transition of power. Bush is reportedly cool with the whole arrangement if Russia takes the used-up uranium back, and not at all because it’ll be easier to claim the Iranians have nukes if we help them get them. [Yahoo News]

“Bluntly, the mistake of loading nuclear weapons on a combat aircraft in combat-ready position is simply not possible to make. Safeguards are far too stringent and far too many people would be involved. Particularly given that the mounting was in violation of policy that’s been in place without exception for almost 40 years.” [Above Top Secret]

Whoops, ha ha, a B-52 bomber filled with live nuclear warheads was flown from North Dakota to Louisiana on Thursday, just a little fuckup, sorry about that! The “Advanced Cruise Missiles” were mounted on the plane’s wings. Probably would’ve been tough for the nukes to detonate if the plane crashed, but who knows? Ha ha ha.

Nuclear warheads mistakenly flown on B-52 [USA Today]

After many years of research around the world, the International Atomic Energy Agency has revealed the new global warning for ionizing radiation: a terrifying scene of an alien spaceship shooting death rays at a pirate flag and stick figure.

Learn about the terrible fate of mankind, after the jump.

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Because the first nuke test didn’t get enough attention, Crazy Lil’ Kim is at it again. MORE »