Man, our Monday news is just such a bummer! You got your lost French airliner, your dead abortion doctor, a venerable car-maker going bankrupt, and now the Republicans have quit shouting “racist bigot” at the nation’s first Hispanic Supreme Court nominee, so there is pretty much nothing fun or funny to talk about today. Thankfully, Bill Kristol is still around for laughs. MORE »

The mean cads at the Los Angeles Times recently discovered a crazy person’s letter to the editor in some tiny, rural Utah newspaper and — due to the meanness — decided to travel all the way out to his lair so as to exploit the craziness for a big city feature. Some people in this world, right? And as a result, now we have to write about this poor old man and his hilarious theories about nuclear war, Obama, and the Mormons. Everyone is awful. Let’s get to know the one good man in this world, Leeland Freeborn, a.k.a. the “Parowan Prophet.” MORE »

What is this weirdness? Joe Biden was talking to some supporters this weekend, at a fundraiser, about how Barack Obama will basically turn into a totalitarian dictator after he’s elected, just like Hercules did when he rinsed all the horseshit out of Washington by diverting a few rivers. Plus there will probably be another war or something, which Obama supporters will have to get behind. MORE »

George W. Bush has two great ambitions in life: to be the president of Major League Baseball, and to bomb Iran. He will accomplish the second in his waning days in public office before retiring and turning his attention to the very important task of running the sport of baseball into the ground. MORE »

As it turns out, were Iran and Israel to get into some kind of crazy nuclear slugfest, it’s really no biggie and we should all probably stop worrying about it according to a study by some fanatics who think about nothing but this shit all the time. The Armageddon-like conflict would in all likelihood last a mere three weeks and have a negligible impact on Israel — just 800,000 people would be lost because we’re God’s chosen people and despite the fact that Iran doesn’t have any fucking nuclear weapons. Somehow, the study finds that Israel can bounce back from this, no probs, without even breaking a sweat. Iran, on the other hand, would lose up to 16 million people and would never be able to recover, never ever in a million years, because Israel has 200 nuclear war heads and Muslims are inferior. Anway, mazel tov, Israel! Your future is secure!

US Report: Israel Would Win Nuclear War With Iran [Ynet News]

Good news, everyone! The Russia’s despotic leader is just kidding about all this “point nuclear weapons at European targets” business! MORE »

We keep trying to build a big useless threatening mysterious missile defense system in Eastern Europe, and our bestest ally ever Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem to care for it. So he recently said he was going to point all of Russia’s decaying, decrepit nuclear missiles back at Europe. MORE »

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• The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea detonates the tiny little nuclear weapon they made. US forces were so looking forward to Iran. [WP, NYT, LAT,USAT, W$J]

• Jim Kolbe, Congress’s only openly gay Republican, confronted Foley all the way back in 2000. [WP]
• But the “main” cover up started here: details about the Fall 2005 Foley “intervention” with Trandahl, Shimkus. [NYT]
• Republican Congressional candidates say Foley is still “sucking,” hurting their campaigns. [WP]
• George Allen, “The Man Who Could Maybe Still Get Elected Sheriff In Lynchburg,” neglected to report stock options in technology companies he got after serving as Governor, but before joining the senate. [NYT]
• Fareed Zakaria is not too sexy for secret Iraq war justification meetings. [NYT]
• Slapping childrens’ asses increases their chance of becoming a greedy corporate shrew. [USAT]
• UN Anti-Poverty campaign testing viral video marketing, surprised at how “tasteless” Americans really are. [WSJ]

Today: the wacky leader of Iran called for, uh, a debate against George W. Bush. A “direct television debate,” which would presumably be moderated by Tim Russert and his non-union Iranian equivalent. Sort of an international diplomacy Crossfire. MORE »

• The administration moves to reclassify sensitive information on the US’s nuclear arsenal, like how many missiles we had in the 1960’s. [WP]

• European nations delay committing peacekeeping troops to Lebanon, play hot potato between giant international bureaucracies. [NYT]
• Only 20 are killed during annual Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad, leading to praise for “draconian” security measures used to lower the death toll from last year’s 950. [LAT, NYT]
• JonBenet Ramsey suspect John Karr is flown to LA, no snakes aboard plane. [CNN]
• Next week is the anniversary of hurricane Katrina. New Orleans is still screwed, and Houston’s getting pissed. [USAT; LAT]
• As Saddam Hussein’s war crimes trial begins he still refuses to enter a plea or wear a tie. [WP, NYT]