Wonkette

Hey guess who might be resigning in about 90 minutes?

A source from the WH tells me Gonzo will be out. MORE »

Scotland Yard wants the world to know that America certainly did not have Princess Diana assassinated in Paris 10 years ago. Just try to argue with the evidence in this all-new authoritative investigation: MORE »

Is there a single government staffer doing any work today? According to Craigslist Casual Encounters, the answer is No. MORE »

Relax, closeted gay Republicans at the highest levels of government. This time, the “outing” will reveal that 135 federal bureaucrats — including NSA spooks, diplomats in the Middle East and somebody in the White House — bought phony university degrees from a diploma mill. MORE »

• Rhode Island’s 15 minutes of fame are up as maverick Senator Lincoln Chafee wins GOP primary. [WP, NYT, USAT]

• Michael Chertoff tells congress that the US cannot “defend ourselves against every conceivable threat.” Nation’s petting zoos and popcorn factories now totally unprotected. [NYT]
• Hillary Clinton wins primary in a cakewalk, eats no actual cake. [NYT]
• Democrats feel NSA is inappropriately advocating it’s own spying program. [WP]
• Maryland elections display DC levels of logistical incompetence. [WP]
• States taking it upon themselves to increase minimum wage, “for the first time, a majority of states could require higher pay than the federal rate.” [USAT]
• Diplomacy now so obsolete reporters forced to write about who’s doing Condi this week. [NYT]
• Adrian Fenty will be next mayor of DC. [WP]

• Tehran is ready to negotiate with the UN on a range of issues not named “uranium enrichment.” [WP, NYT, BBC]

• Poll shows most Americans are still plenty scared of Bin Laden. [CNN]
• Marines to begin recalling reserves to active duty, as recruitment goals fall short. [LAT]
• Aid money flowing to Lebanon having a hard time finding relief agencies other than Hezbollah. [NYT]
• Israel halts withdraw from West Bank settlements as Lebanon becomes focus of government apparently incapable of multitasking. [WP]
• Senator Hillary Clinton is dithering on a AIDS funding bill — either to get more cash for New York or to make herself look good in the south. [WP]
• Americans tired of Iraq, want to go home. [NYT]
• Richard Armitage, number two at the State Department, met with Bob Woodward around the time Bob Woodward says he learned Valerie Plame’s identity and top secret job. [NYT]
• Anna Taylor Diggs, the federal judge who ruled against Bush and his NSA warrantless wiretapping, is a card-carrying member of the ACLU. [NYT]
• More states adding online “meth registries” to help connect redneck speed freaks. [USAT]

First subject: Senator Conrad “Knee-Walking Drunk” Burns (R-MT), seen above struggling valiantly against the sandman. Burns, famous for his hatred of firefighters and himself, should frankly be lauded for just falling asleep during this (frankly boring-sounding) hearing and not, say, unleashing a string of expletives or insulting a veteran.

After the jump, a man who makes our worst hangovers look like an ice cream headache. And who’s also in charge of the largest military in the world.

MORE »

Terrorist Surveillance Program ruled to be in violation of Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act
Osama bin Laden, reached by phone, calls news “thrilling.”
NSA officials forced to put giant glass to walls of telecommunications companies, lean in close. MORE »