Tag Archives: nro

  more like medium rare (and nice and bloody)

Some Douche Pretty Sure Wendy Davis Could Have Carried Baby To Term In Her Fallopian Tube, Because Science

Wendy Davis, she’s this lady. Turn-ons include running for Texas governor, being a Demoncrap, and murdering all the babbies. But! Some douche from LifeSiteNews, writing at NRO, thinks she didn’t even abortion her own two babbies after all, because he doesn’t know how fallopian tubes work we guess, and also other “reasons” that are not actually “reasons” at all! Imagine that! Great Buckley’s Ghost, tell us about how Wendy Davis is probably super-definitely lying about her ectopic pregnancy and the other one where her unborn daughter had some terrible pre-birth brain-illness, and Davis and her family decided the most loving thing to do was shmashmortion her, please! Read more on Some Douche Pretty Sure Wendy Davis Could Have Carried Baby To Term In Her Fallopian Tube, Because Science…
  We just invented a new word and it is plagiarism

National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson

A Doktor Zoom original
If you were concerned that hack plagiarist Benny Johnson, Buzzfeed’s former viral politics editor and laughing stock of the internet — which he loves :) — would disappear into oblivion and fade from our memories, pinch your collective selves and quit your daydreaming because it turns out that there is still one cockroach-infested corner of the internet that thinks Benny would make a fine addition to its staff, and it is National Review! Read more on National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson…
  uppity

Now Obama Thinks He Is President On ‘Presidents Day,’ As If

We are sorry to inform you of this, because we know you are all gay for the “president,” “Barack” “Obama,” but he has really fucking stepped in it this time. Did he see white-woman boobs again? Yes, but that is not even the most terrible thing he did this weekend. You guys, Barack Obama tweeted a picture of HIMSELF on Presidents Day, like he is some kind of president! Here, in its entirety, is the trenchant commentary from National Review Online in its bloog post “Obama Celebrates Himself On Presidents Day.” Read more on Now Obama Thinks He Is President On ‘Presidents Day,’ As If…
  the devil made her do it

Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere

The tweet was promising. First, it was from K-Lo, Kathryn Jean Lopez — previously seen instructing us that we should give our kids boundaries like “no you may not shoot up a school” — and it read “When to Call an Exorcist?” OK, K-Lo, we will bite, you lovable pile of batshit. When, indeed, to call an exorcist? With K-Lo, endlessly regretting the vulgarities of Vatican II from her comfortingly cozy straitjacket at National Review Online, the answer is probably, “Touched your wanger? That’s an exorcisin’!” But even knowing and loving K-Lo as we do, we were completely unprepared for the horror show that awaited us at NRO. On Halloween, The Drudge Report highlighted a Washington Post interview with the author of The Exorcist. William Peter Blatty had used the word “demonic,” and now there atop Drudge was a photo of of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. GUUUURRRRRL YOU HIGH AS FUCK. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere…
  this time he means it charlie brown

This Time He Means It About Running For President, Lies Donald Trump

The ratings for the network television programme “Mister Trump’s Funtimes Band of Drug Addicts With Assorted Levels of Brain Damage” must be in le shitter, again, because it is once more time for the quadrennial favorite, “Donald Trump pretends he is running for president, again, to gin up some wan interest in his stupid repetitive ball of bullshit and nonsense.” The last time Donald Trump pretended to run for president, we here at Wonkette treated you to weeks and weeks of hilarious dick jokes about him, probably, because of how he is a sad racist anger buffoon who always goes bankrupt. Read more on This Time He Means It About Running For President, Lies Donald Trump…
  twas beauty killed the beast

But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?

Some time back in the late Pleistocene era (last month? that is how time works, correct?) the United States Supreme Court was all like nah mang, teh ghey, they are people we guess, and the New Yorker responded with a charming cover showing Original Bachela’s Ernie and Bert in an affectionate cuddle. Some people simply did not care for this! (And not all of them were K-Lo, even!) When Ernie and Bert sat in the dark, watching the news like any old boring marrieds, K-Lo responded with two words: Innocence. Lost. What will she think of this giant penis disguised as the Empire State Building? Read more on But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?…
  looking for an anger fix

Donald Trump Steps Up To Fill The Bachmann-Shaped Hole In American Comedy

Donald Trump wants America to know that he’s not going to fade away. Not that anyone had any realistic hopes that he would. A National Review puff piece today says that Trump is once again suggesting he may run for president, because America Needs Him. This is excellent news for anyone who may have thought that the sucker birth rate was declining. Read more on Donald Trump Steps Up To Fill The Bachmann-Shaped Hole In American Comedy…
  yellow badge of courage

Totally Brave Anonymous NRO Writer Does Not Care For Gabby Giffords Calling People ‘Cowards’

Why is Gabby Giffords bullying the US Senate, Instapundit, and, now, the entire brave staff of NRO? She is all laughing at their outfits and telling them to stop trying to make “fetch” happen. She is the meanest. She is the worst. Read more on Totally Brave Anonymous NRO Writer Does Not Care For Gabby Giffords Calling People ‘Cowards’…
  sometimes a slap's like a kiss

No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)

The sophisticated gentlemens of National Review Online are really, most terribly sorry for maligning our Old Handsome Joe Biden, God Love Him and Keep Him. But why are they sorry? They are sorry they are so bad at Tubechop that it was even clear to BreitbartTV that they had cut him off in the middle of the sentence. And that sentence was: We’ve learned that certain behaviors on the part of an abuser portend much more danger than other behaviors. For example, if an abuser has attempted to strangle his victim, if he has threatened to shoot her, if he has sexually assaulted her, and there’s a number of other signs, about eight others. These are tell-tale signs to say this isn’t your garden-variety slap across the face[.] Obviously, they left off the part where Joe winks, flashes those pearly whites, and murmurs huskily, “unless she’s into that.” Haha, no, he did not say that either. He said some dumb boring thing about “and that’z not okay.” Read more on No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)…
  Game Over Man! GAME OVER!!

NRO Has Smart Plan To Save America: Raze The Universities & Re-Educate All People In Glasses

Some people simply do not handle losing very well. Unable to accept that the electoral system in their beloved Constitution could possibly allow those other people to win, they suggest that maybe we need a revolution, or that America died and God’s wrath is at hand, or that maybe rassenfracken pimps whores welfare brats makin’ us just dang ol’ soulless spiritual suicide, man, tellyawhut man, dang ol’ shiiiiiiit. (Also, thanks for the pageviews, Reddit!) The grownups in the spurned party, on the other hand, faced the day after the election by asking themselves the Hard Questions, like “what aspects of our agenda may have proven unpopular with the electorate?” or “how might we best adjust our message to meet a changing electoral landscape?” Or, if they’re the NRO’s David Gelertner, they might ask, “Where did all these degenerate communist morans come from? Must be the colleges! They’re full of radicals! Let’s root out the colleges!” Read more on NRO Has Smart Plan To Save America: Raze The Universities & Re-Educate All People In Glasses…
  Annals of Journamalism

NRO Simply Does Not Care For ‘Insane’ Questions About Romney’s Bizarre Libya Statement

So, you know how Willard Mittingston Wigglesworth Romney IV made a very important foreign policy statement about the murders of American diplomats in Libya, which kind of left even Republican foreign-policy experts gobsmacked at its tone-deaf injection of politics into a developing foreign crisis? Yeah, that thing. Well, now. Katrina Trinko at NRO’s “The Corner” would just like to point out that reporters asking questions about the crazy thing Romney said is the thing that is actually crazy, thank you very much: Read more on NRO Simply Does Not Care For ‘Insane’ Questions About Romney’s Bizarre Libya Statement…
  shining bigots on a hill

Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President

We need to get that uppity negro out of the White House because he only signs the back of checks instead of the front of them, but we are not racist! (says the National Review Online Staff). And also! The people who point out that we’re racist — THOSE are the real racists, OF COURSE. This is all laid out for us in a horrible/hysterical 689-item list of reasons to not vote for Obama.  So if you’re racist or sexist or hate Poors or really have a problem with education, then there is something in this list for you! Herewith, some of the highlights – and lowlights — of National Review’s 689 reasons to not re-elect Barack Obama. Read more on Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President…
  great moments in punditry

NRO: Ladies Should Love Mitt Romney Because Of Gold-Digging, And Having Daughters Made Obama Gay

“From an evolutionary point of view,” harrumphs Kevin Williamson of the National Review Online, “Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs.” But why is this? Because Mitt Romney is super-rich, you guys (we don’t know if you have heard), and women select for status, and evolutionary biology proves that high-status animals produce more males and Mitt Romney has five sons — Tagg, Dack, Tupper, Tyrone and T’Nesho — while Barack Obama has two daughters, because his semen has sparkles in it and smells like Elizabeth Arden. Oh, sorry, here is your actual quote: Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes. Haha, Obama has daughters! What a fag! Read more on NRO: Ladies Should Love Mitt Romney Because Of Gold-Digging, And Having Daughters Made Obama Gay…
  the exorcist

NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?

Does Kathryn Jean Lopez believe the Aurora shooter, James Holmes, was possessed by demons? She does not say so. What she says is that a story by a Catholic priest who says possession is real and posits that James Holmes was in fact possessed by demons, is “interesting.” Are RTs endorsements? Of course not, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But when something is Catholic and ‘tarded, you can bet K-Lo is taking it for her gospel every time: Read more on NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?…
  sluts

NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X

Kathryn Jean Lopez, better known by her gang moniker, K-Lo, is a pill. She is unpleasant and obsequiously pious and constantly telling all other American Catholics how they’re doing Catholicism wrong by actually following the edicts of Vatican II (which said Catholics should follow the dictates of their own consciences). She moans a lot about how unfair and unconstitutional it is to tell the Church they are not in fact in charge of their employees’ personal lives if the Church is not in fact paying the bill. She calls this an attack on religious liberty, and logically and persuasively and not at all histrionically explains that by classifying birth control as “preventative medicine,” the government has now “classified fertility as a disease.” In an earlier and much-missed American epoch, she would have been Goody Lopez, calling in the witch-burners on Goody Greensmith. But now? With her latest musings for NRO — of which she is the editor — we just feel sort of deflated and sad for her. Why are people so obsessed with sex? she asks her interviewee, over and over in slightly differing forms. What’s the big freaking deal? Oh, K-Lo. Read more on NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X…
  taxi cabs

Kathryn Jean Lopez Gets Thrill Up Her Leg For Romney’s ‘Vision Thing’

Apparently, there has been a turning point in Mitt Romney’s campaign—a GOOD turning point of some kind. We know this because Kathryn Jean Lopez has taken to the National Review to inform us of such, even if she can’t quite identify exactly why this was a turning point, or what it means, or how it benefits Mitt Romney. But she does make sure to note that this turning point has something to do with his glorious speech to the NAACP (no, really) which she knows was glorious because her Nigerian taxi driver told her how much he loved it (again, no, really). Also, Mitt Romney doesn’t need a woman or a person of color as his VP because he doesn’t need anything so gimmicky as a non-white person for a VP given that he “has a record of being all about winning the future.” (Once again, no, really.) And he will be a GREAT president because he believes so strongly in Freedom and in personal choices, and the NAACP was a perfect showcase for all of that because he quoted from Dr Martin Luther King Jr and Frederick Douglass. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Gets Thrill Up Her Leg For Romney’s ‘Vision Thing’…
  henry viii was a whore

National Review Lady Thinks Hot Gay Episcopal Bishop Sex Isn’t Sexy, Somehow

If you like having the minutiae of internal Catholic Church politics dissected, you know where to go: Kathryn Lopez, on the National Review Online’s Corner, the world’s greatest Internet blog. But what if you want the same sort of deal, only you jones for inside info and analysis on the Anglican Communion? The world’s greatest Internet blog has you covered, friend! Charlotte Hays is here to tell you all about the catty queens who are ruining the perfectly nice religion that American’s old aristocracy used to belong to, before we replaced them with fratty stockbrokers. The Episcopalians just had a little confab in Indianapolis (gross) in which they approved a rite to bless gay unions. Somehow Charlotte Hays translated this into the headline “Why Aren’t Episcopalians Sexy?”, which, uh? Read more on National Review Lady Thinks Hot Gay Episcopal Bishop Sex Isn’t Sexy, Somehow…
  that's not racial transcendence

NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism

It seems like just two months ago that the august and erudite National Review Online was having to face its terrible shame and can all its writers for being bald horrible racists. And yet their newest fellow likes to write things about how the Founding Fathers didn’t let black people vote for a reason. And also why we should declare all Muslims (ALL OF THEM) enemy combatants and get it over with. That second thing, the Muslimy one, that is just your typical Tuesday on the #WARBLOGS, so nobody will pay that one no nevermind. But that thing about black people, and why they (oh, and women, because someone has pecker issues) shouldn’t be allowed to vote? That does seem to be beyond the pale in the Civilized Right. (HAHA, yeah, no it isn’t, we totally lied.) Read more on NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism…
  how is babby formed?

National Review Redefines Abortion To Mean ‘Having A Uterus,’ Basically

Oh HI, what were those pro-genocide anti-woman mass-murdering abortionists up to this weekend? Nothing much! Just using a quaint mix of “facts” and “reason” to explain (AGAIN) that morning after pills (a.k.a, “the so-called morning after pill,” a.k.a. “morning after abortion pills,” a.k.a “a shot of estrogen,” a.k.a. “abortive pills”) do not actually cause abortion. This is because there is no embryo for the pills abort, a fact supported by “the latest scientific findings” which, among other things, show that the pills work by delaying ovulation so that sperm can’t fertilize an egg to create an embryo. The fact that  “science,” “expert opinion,” and “facts” show that the morning after pill does not cause an abortion, to the New York Times, means that: “Religious conservatives are losing one of their primary arguments for trying to ban the morning-after birth control pill that can prevent pregnancy if taken within days after sexual intercourse. They and their political allies have long contended that the pills work by aborting an embryo at the earliest stages of development.” You stupid liberals, bringing FACTS to an IDEOLOGY fight! If an “abortion” means “removing an embryo or fetus from the body in which it has taken up residence” then no, the morning after pill does not cause abortion. But! Since abortion now means “anything a woman does to control her own reproductive capabilities,” then according to Donna Harrison over at the National Review Online, OF COURSE the morning after pill is TOTALLY an abortion: Read more on National Review Redefines Abortion To Mean ‘Having A Uterus,’ Basically…
  pro choice republicans

Silly Ladies, Let NRO Explain To You About This ‘Paycheck Fairness’ Nonsense

Chins up, ladies! The National Review Online is trotting out Carrie Lukas, its Senior Women’s Correspondent, to tell you what to think. Who is Carrie Lukas, you might be wondering? Well, she is a regular National Review Online contributor (mostly about Lady issues) and the managing director and director of policy for the conservative but “non-partisan” Independent Women’s Forum. She also wrote a book, called The Politically Incorrect Guide to Women, Sex, and Feminism, which (among other things) includes information on “The impossible feminist dream of ‘having it all': how women who put their careers first inevitably suffer in their personal and/or family lives” and “Why, even in the modern workplace, women still find paid work less fulfilling than other, more personal activities — especially marriage and motherhood.” Indeed. Paid work like writing for the National Review Online definitely sounds less fulfilling than other, more personal activities. Regardless, she is now taking to the National Review Online to tell the ladies why their low paychecks are a sign of FREEDOM and LIBERTY and  something about the FREE MARKET. And also, to assure them that their paychecks AREN’T lower than men’s, but if they are, it’s for a good reason, so not to worry about it. Read more on Silly Ladies, Let NRO Explain To You About This ‘Paycheck Fairness’ Nonsense…
  eve of destruction

Veepstakes! Romney Hero Meg Whitman Out-Bains Bain Capital, Slashes 27,000 Jobs At HP

Why can’t Californians have nice things? Because the “Golden Dream by the Sea” was all yeah eat me when HP CEO Meg Whitman tried to save it from itself the same way she has saved Hewlett Packard! What is it about “Creative Destruction” that California doesn’t understand? As typewriters and steel mills and Hewlett Packard employees become obsolete, the economy churns, and industries fall so that they may be replaced by something more better! It’s Schumpeter and stuff! (Why this should be a necessary part of the economy, but help for those who were creatively destroyed out of their jobs should be Moral Hazard and akin to feeding stray animals, we never did understand, but Economics Is Hard!) So how many jobs did Meg Whitman slash at HP the same day Romney was busy for she’s a jolly good fellowing to NRO? Oh, 27,000. What did Meg Whitman get paid last year? Either $1 or $16 million. It’s all good though, because the $16 million was in stock options, and those only become worth anything if she manages to raise the stock price! Did axing 27,000 people from HP raise the stock price? In fact it did! Read more on Veepstakes! Romney Hero Meg Whitman Out-Bains Bain Capital, Slashes 27,000 Jobs At HP…
  that's not racial transcendence

This Just In: GOP Is True Party of Civil Rights Because of Welfare, or Something

Your Wonkette loves a fun fact, and Kevin D. Williamson’s most recent essay for the National Review Online is full of them! The funnest fact of them all is the core argument of the piece, which is that the GOP is the civil rights party, but there are lots more! For example, did you know that Frederick Douglass’ expression of Republican political identity is as “true and relevant” today as it was then? Your Wonkette has always thought so, what with Douglass’ concerns about the inherent moral depravity associated with vast accumulations of private property and his ties to Socialists and the fact that he received the Socialist Labor Party (née Equal Rights Party) nomination for VP. Just obvious, total Republican. Read more on This Just In: GOP Is True Party of Civil Rights Because of Welfare, or Something…