Tag Archives: nro

  more like medium rare (and nice and bloody)

Some Douche Pretty Sure Wendy Davis Could Have Carried Baby To Term In Her Fallopian Tube, Because Science

Wendy Davis, she’s this lady. Turn-ons include running for Texas governor, being a Demoncrap, and murdering all the babbies. But! Some douche from LifeSiteNews, writing at NRO, thinks she didn’t even abortion her own two babbies after all, because he doesn’t know how fallopian tubes work we guess, and also other “reasons” that are not actually “reasons” at all! Imagine that! Great Buckley’s Ghost, tell us about how Wendy Davis is probably super-definitely lying about her ectopic pregnancy and the other one where her unborn daughter had some terrible pre-birth brain-illness, and Davis and her family decided the most loving thing to do was shmashmortion her, please! Read more on Some Douche Pretty Sure Wendy Davis Could Have Carried Baby To Term In Her Fallopian Tube, Because Science…
  We just invented a new word and it is plagiarism

National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson

A Doktor Zoom original
If you were concerned that hack plagiarist Benny Johnson, Buzzfeed’s former viral politics editor and laughing stock of the internet — which he loves :) — would disappear into oblivion and fade from our memories, pinch your collective selves and quit your daydreaming because it turns out that there is still one cockroach-infested corner of the internet that thinks Benny would make a fine addition to its staff, and it is National Review! Read more on National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson…
  uppity

Now Obama Thinks He Is President On ‘Presidents Day,’ As If

We are sorry to inform you of this, because we know you are all gay for the “president,” “Barack” “Obama,” but he has really fucking stepped in it this time. Did he see white-woman boobs again? Yes, but that is not even the most terrible thing he did this weekend. You guys, Barack Obama tweeted a picture of HIMSELF on Presidents Day, like he is some kind of president! Here, in its entirety, is the trenchant commentary from National Review Online in its bloog post “Obama Celebrates Himself On Presidents Day.” Read more on Now Obama Thinks He Is President On ‘Presidents Day,’ As If…
  the devil made her do it

Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere

The tweet was promising. First, it was from K-Lo, Kathryn Jean Lopez — previously seen instructing us that we should give our kids boundaries like “no you may not shoot up a school” — and it read “When to Call an Exorcist?” OK, K-Lo, we will bite, you lovable pile of batshit. When, indeed, to call an exorcist? With K-Lo, endlessly regretting the vulgarities of Vatican II from her comfortingly cozy straitjacket at National Review Online, the answer is probably, “Touched your wanger? That’s an exorcisin’!” But even knowing and loving K-Lo as we do, we were completely unprepared for the horror show that awaited us at NRO. On Halloween, The Drudge Report highlighted a Washington Post interview with the author of The Exorcist. William Peter Blatty had used the word “demonic,” and now there atop Drudge was a photo of of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. GUUUURRRRRL YOU HIGH AS FUCK. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Stole Peggy Noonan’s Laudanum, Is Seeing Demons Errrrrewhere…
  this time he means it charlie brown

This Time He Means It About Running For President, Lies Donald Trump

The ratings for the network television programme “Mister Trump’s Funtimes Band of Drug Addicts With Assorted Levels of Brain Damage” must be in le shitter, again, because it is once more time for the quadrennial favorite, “Donald Trump pretends he is running for president, again, to gin up some wan interest in his stupid repetitive ball of bullshit and nonsense.” The last time Donald Trump pretended to run for president, we here at Wonkette treated you to weeks and weeks of hilarious dick jokes about him, probably, because of how he is a sad racist anger buffoon who always goes bankrupt. Read more on This Time He Means It About Running For President, Lies Donald Trump…
  twas beauty killed the beast

But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?

Some time back in the late Pleistocene era (last month? that is how time works, correct?) the United States Supreme Court was all like nah mang, teh ghey, they are people we guess, and the New Yorker responded with a charming cover showing Original Bachela’s Ernie and Bert in an affectionate cuddle. Some people simply did not care for this! (And not all of them were K-Lo, even!) When Ernie and Bert sat in the dark, watching the news like any old boring marrieds, K-Lo responded with two words: Innocence. Lost. What will she think of this giant penis disguised as the Empire State Building? Read more on But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?…
  looking for an anger fix

Donald Trump Steps Up To Fill The Bachmann-Shaped Hole In American Comedy

Donald Trump wants America to know that he’s not going to fade away. Not that anyone had any realistic hopes that he would. A National Review puff piece today says that Trump is once again suggesting he may run for president, because America Needs Him. This is excellent news for anyone who may have thought that the sucker birth rate was declining. Read more on Donald Trump Steps Up To Fill The Bachmann-Shaped Hole In American Comedy…
  yellow badge of courage

Totally Brave Anonymous NRO Writer Does Not Care For Gabby Giffords Calling People ‘Cowards’

Why is Gabby Giffords bullying the US Senate, Instapundit, and, now, the entire brave staff of NRO? She is all laughing at their outfits and telling them to stop trying to make “fetch” happen. She is the meanest. She is the worst. Read more on Totally Brave Anonymous NRO Writer Does Not Care For Gabby Giffords Calling People ‘Cowards’…
  sometimes a slap's like a kiss

No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)

The sophisticated gentlemens of National Review Online are really, most terribly sorry for maligning our Old Handsome Joe Biden, God Love Him and Keep Him. But why are they sorry? They are sorry they are so bad at Tubechop that it was even clear to BreitbartTV that they had cut him off in the middle of the sentence. And that sentence was: We’ve learned that certain behaviors on the part of an abuser portend much more danger than other behaviors. For example, if an abuser has attempted to strangle his victim, if he has threatened to shoot her, if he has sexually assaulted her, and there’s a number of other signs, about eight others. These are tell-tale signs to say this isn’t your garden-variety slap across the face[.] Obviously, they left off the part where Joe winks, flashes those pearly whites, and murmurs huskily, “unless she’s into that.” Haha, no, he did not say that either. He said some dumb boring thing about “and that’z not okay.” Read more on No, Old Handsome Joe Biden Is Not Cool With You Slapping Your Lady (Unless It Is A Sexy Slap)…
  Game Over Man! GAME OVER!!

NRO Has Smart Plan To Save America: Raze The Universities & Re-Educate All People In Glasses

Some people simply do not handle losing very well. Unable to accept that the electoral system in their beloved Constitution could possibly allow those other people to win, they suggest that maybe we need a revolution, or that America died and God’s wrath is at hand, or that maybe rassenfracken pimps whores welfare brats makin’ us just dang ol’ soulless spiritual suicide, man, tellyawhut man, dang ol’ shiiiiiiit. (Also, thanks for the pageviews, Reddit!) The grownups in the spurned party, on the other hand, faced the day after the election by asking themselves the Hard Questions, like “what aspects of our agenda may have proven unpopular with the electorate?” or “how might we best adjust our message to meet a changing electoral landscape?” Or, if they’re the NRO’s David Gelertner, they might ask, “Where did all these degenerate communist morans come from? Must be the colleges! They’re full of radicals! Let’s root out the colleges!” Read more on NRO Has Smart Plan To Save America: Raze The Universities & Re-Educate All People In Glasses…
  Annals of Journamalism

NRO Simply Does Not Care For ‘Insane’ Questions About Romney’s Bizarre Libya Statement

So, you know how Willard Mittingston Wigglesworth Romney IV made a very important foreign policy statement about the murders of American diplomats in Libya, which kind of left even Republican foreign-policy experts gobsmacked at its tone-deaf injection of politics into a developing foreign crisis? Yeah, that thing. Well, now. Katrina Trinko at NRO’s “The Corner” would just like to point out that reporters asking questions about the crazy thing Romney said is the thing that is actually crazy, thank you very much: Read more on NRO Simply Does Not Care For ‘Insane’ Questions About Romney’s Bizarre Libya Statement…
  shining bigots on a hill

Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President

We need to get that uppity negro out of the White House because he only signs the back of checks instead of the front of them, but we are not racist! (says the National Review Online Staff). And also! The people who point out that we’re racist — THOSE are the real racists, OF COURSE. This is all laid out for us in a horrible/hysterical 689-item list of reasons to not vote for Obama.  So if you’re racist or sexist or hate Poors or really have a problem with education, then there is something in this list for you! Herewith, some of the highlights – and lowlights — of National Review’s 689 reasons to not re-elect Barack Obama. Read more on Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President…
  great moments in punditry

NRO: Ladies Should Love Mitt Romney Because Of Gold-Digging, And Having Daughters Made Obama Gay

“From an evolutionary point of view,” harrumphs Kevin Williamson of the National Review Online, “Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs.” But why is this? Because Mitt Romney is super-rich, you guys (we don’t know if you have heard), and women select for status, and evolutionary biology proves that high-status animals produce more males and Mitt Romney has five sons — Tagg, Dack, Tupper, Tyrone and T’Nesho — while Barack Obama has two daughters, because his semen has sparkles in it and smells like Elizabeth Arden. Oh, sorry, here is your actual quote: Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes. Haha, Obama has daughters! What a fag! Read more on NRO: Ladies Should Love Mitt Romney Because Of Gold-Digging, And Having Daughters Made Obama Gay…
  the exorcist

NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?

Does Kathryn Jean Lopez believe the Aurora shooter, James Holmes, was possessed by demons? She does not say so. What she says is that a story by a Catholic priest who says possession is real and posits that James Holmes was in fact possessed by demons, is “interesting.” Are RTs endorsements? Of course not, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE! But when something is Catholic and ‘tarded, you can bet K-Lo is taking it for her gospel every time: Read more on NRO Editor Kathryn Jean Lopez: Was Aurora Shooter Possessed By Beelzebub?…
  sluts

NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X

Kathryn Jean Lopez, better known by her gang moniker, K-Lo, is a pill. She is unpleasant and obsequiously pious and constantly telling all other American Catholics how they’re doing Catholicism wrong by actually following the edicts of Vatican II (which said Catholics should follow the dictates of their own consciences). She moans a lot about how unfair and unconstitutional it is to tell the Church they are not in fact in charge of their employees’ personal lives if the Church is not in fact paying the bill. She calls this an attack on religious liberty, and logically and persuasively and not at all histrionically explains that by classifying birth control as “preventative medicine,” the government has now “classified fertility as a disease.” In an earlier and much-missed American epoch, she would have been Goody Lopez, calling in the witch-burners on Goody Greensmith. But now? With her latest musings for NRO — of which she is the editor — we just feel sort of deflated and sad for her. Why are people so obsessed with sex? she asks her interviewee, over and over in slightly differing forms. What’s the big freaking deal? Oh, K-Lo. Read more on NRO’s Kathryn Jean Lopez Just Doesn’t See What All The Fuss Is About S-E-X…
  taxi cabs

Kathryn Jean Lopez Gets Thrill Up Her Leg For Romney’s ‘Vision Thing’

Apparently, there has been a turning point in Mitt Romney’s campaign—a GOOD turning point of some kind. We know this because Kathryn Jean Lopez has taken to the National Review to inform us of such, even if she can’t quite identify exactly why this was a turning point, or what it means, or how it benefits Mitt Romney. But she does make sure to note that this turning point has something to do with his glorious speech to the NAACP (no, really) which she knows was glorious because her Nigerian taxi driver told her how much he loved it (again, no, really). Also, Mitt Romney doesn’t need a woman or a person of color as his VP because he doesn’t need anything so gimmicky as a non-white person for a VP given that he “has a record of being all about winning the future.” (Once again, no, really.) And he will be a GREAT president because he believes so strongly in Freedom and in personal choices, and the NAACP was a perfect showcase for all of that because he quoted from Dr Martin Luther King Jr and Frederick Douglass. Read more on Kathryn Jean Lopez Gets Thrill Up Her Leg For Romney’s ‘Vision Thing’…