Sometimes, NPR makes news fun! MORE »

* DC owns the half-smoke! Extra chili and double extra liquid cheese, please. [NPR via Unrequited Narcissism] MORE »

America’s fastest Senator: John Sununu, who ran his leg of the ACLI Capital Challenge in a respectable 20:10. Not quite the fastest lawmaker, though, as Representative Bart Gordon (D-TN), who sounds like maybe the hero of a series of young adult adventure novels, ran an impressive 18:05. The full list is here, but it’s pretty damn long — you see any particularly funny names in there we missed, give us a holler. National Geographic was the fastest print media team, and, hilariously, NPR beat Fox. Enjoy those words, NPR, you don’t hear them very often. MORE »

* Washington: first in war, first in peace, seventh and fifteenth in soul destroying traffic congestion. [Metroblogging DC] MORE »

Ok, NPR? You are having way too much fun with this. Yeah, it’s cute, but you’re missing the point of the “six degrees” game. See, all of these people are one degree from Abramoff. Like, he gave them money and hung out with them and stuff. Well, Reid is like two degress, but still. Look, we’ll show you how it’s done:
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* Reliable Source: Jenna Bush spotted at Glover Park Starbucks sporting “cute new chin-length do” and “teal houndstooth coat”. . . NPR’s Sylvia Poggioli says “Oh, shit!” on the air. . . Bradley Whitford says his “West Wing” character will “spend the day naked in bed with a woman”. . . Rep. John Dingell is now the second longest-serving House member of all time. [WP]
* Rush & Molloy: Clinton comments on Cheney: “They raise the quail on a farm. It’s hardly a sport. The quail are slow. You have to stomp on the ground to get them to get up and fly. And you can’t not get your limit. If it was that kind of farm, then, whatever the facts are, the Vice President shouldn’t have done that. Because he was going to get his limit.”. . . George Lucas suggests Cheney is secretly controlling Bush. [NYDN]
* Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Sen. Joe Biden (D-Del.): “Part of [Bush's] persona is his alcoholism. I have alcoholics in my family. They’re lucky to have an epiphany, and life begins at that epiphany. I think life began for George W. Bush at age 40.” [NYDN]

• Washington Whispers: Howard Dean to push “Democratic values” to voters; DNC pollster: “This is the opening for a sea change.”. . . GOP pollster finds discontent among Bush’s base with his foreign policy. . . George Allen seen as early ‘08 frontrunner. . . Antonin Scalia decries the use of foreign law to decide domestic cases. . . Republicans see viable presidential campaign from Hillary. . . Hurricane response boosts Haley Barbour’s ‘08 odds. [USN&WR]
• Inside the Beltway: Buchanan: “George W. Bush is in big trouble, and so are we.”. . . Coulter receives $5,000 honor from the American Compass. . . Helen Thomas goes on Bill Maher’s HBO show. [WT]
• Inside Politics: Clinton criticizes the media for not being skeptical of politicians and says Democrats need to take a stand: “[W]e basically let political ads turn every player in this drama into a two-dimensional cartoon instead of a three-dimensional person.” [WT]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Scooter Libby tried doing tequila shots with Maureen Dowd at 2003 Bloomberg party; The New Yorker has excerpted the sex scenes from his 1996 novel. . . Laura Bush gives April Ryan an hour-long tour of the White House family quarters after a “softball interview”. . . NPR’s Noah Adams mistakenly announces the indictment of NPR’s Libby Lewis. [NYDN]
• Cindy Adams: Helen Thomas says Scooter Libby would not act without Cheney’s permission. . . Did Cheney cancel a hunting trip because of traffic complaints? [NYP]

• Reliable Source: Wives advise Bush to get diamonds for Laura to celebrate their upcoming anniversary. He replies, “Never mind! Sorry I asked!”. . . Nicole Kidman’s character is told to use a Farecard when riding the Metro. . . NPR’s Libby Lewis is assigned to cover Lewis Libby. [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: U.S. “nuclear SWAT team” is on call 24/7/365 to find and disarm any device. . . Cheney in Colorado: “They asked me today if I come here to fish, and I explained no, the fishing is better in Wyoming, which is noted by the presence of so many ‘greenies’ in Wyoming taking our fish.” [WT]
• Cindy Adams: Schwarzenegger is so furious at Bush that he is toying with switching parties. . . Judith Miller will not be returning to the Times. [NYP]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Lou Dobbs: “I’m wondering whether there’s such a thing as too much transparency.” [NYDN]

• Judy Miller has enough to read, thank you. [Gawker]
• A “blog-induced emetic” covers NPR in complaints over Goldberg subbing for Schorr. [NPR]
• Bush to do live interview on GMA tomorrow. [TVNewser]
• “This just in: Hurricane Reporter Killed”: TVSpy posters debate what it will take to end weatherporn. If it should be ended: “when did you all you gets get so wimpy. i need to see death and dismemberment before i know how awful it is. and better a reporter than a real person.” [TVSpy]

An alert Wonkette operative draws our attention to Judge John Roberts’ gay-tastic-ness: He was a total snob about china patterns. Confusingly, both the moonbatty NPR’s Nina Totenberg and the wingnuttier Washington Times picked up the story. Apparently, Roberts — in his capacity as guardian of the Reagan legacy against pasty-faced moonwalking freaks (he doth protest too much?) and tacky Branson-bound collector’s items — advised the president’s counsel to withhold the endorsement of “a new china pattern that the Boehm Porcelain Co. was selling.” Wrote Roberts, “This would not only contravene established White House policy concerning endorsement of commercial products, but also, given this particular pattern, call into serious question the president’s taste in dinner service.” Roberts then flounced into the President’s residence and started throwing out wire hangers. “Don’t get me started on the shoulder pads, girlfriend!” he screamed, before making a flying tackle to wipe the rouge off of Nancy’s cheeks. MORE »