Remember on the ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11 when the Coast Guard held some make-believe high-speed boat chase — they were chasing Osama bin Laden, on the actual Potomac River! — with guns shots and radio screams but didn’t bother to tell a single human being beforehand that it was a drill? Never will such miscues happen again! See, this time around, we know in advance that hundreds of emergency response officials are going to waste insane amounts of resources on a pretend 24esque high-speed Osama Chase tomorrow across all of Northern Virginia, so it’s okay! And if all goes as planned, homeland security teams will be prepared for the real Al Qaeda-coordinated triple-bomb/chemical weapon spill on Route 50 car chase scenario, scheduled for a Christmas release. MORE »

The biggest political news of the day is that Barack Obama and Joe Biden made local traffic more miserable than usual because they were stoned (for Cinco de Mayo) and wanted rich-people hamburgers at a gourmet junk food restaurant in Northern Virginia. “Oh my God I love that we have a cool president who just goes out to get a hamburger,” etc. Communist Country operative “Lillian” sends in this photo of the Presidential Limo and saves us all from having to read the necessary Politico analysis: “Our esteemed president was slummin’ it at Ray’s Hell Burgers in Arlington during lunch time this afternoon. This could be a strategic move to offset his recent arugula eating habits at the fancy Citronelle.” But will this be enough to attract the white rural voters who hate him in whatever election? Oh screw it all, the damn Politico video of Barack Obama eating a hamburger is after the jump. MORE »

We all know that Northern Virginia’s George Mason University is run by a bunch of no-fun goons who hate happiness in all of its various flavors. It’s worse than we’d imagined, however: they now hate capitalism, America’s famous system of economics. University administrators today sent out an e-mail to students threatening violent “discipline” if they rent out their dorm rooms to desperate strangers during Inauguration, a creative free-market idea that could help the University in the long run, as all students will otherwise default on their loans within several years because of Deflation. The shocking e-mail, below. MORE »

Our favorite recent McCain campaign talking head, Nancy Poopenheifer, done did it again today on MSNBC while discussing the demographics of Northern Virginia, an area known to John McCain’s brother as “communist country.” Poopenheifer says NoVa has gone bluer in recent years because the Democrats, one day in 2005 or so, decided to move there en masse so as to steal elections. Ergo it doesn’t count as a geographical region anymore — it’s not even on maps — unlike “real Virginia” which is more “Southern in nature.” MORE »

Oh hey Wonkette readers, I’m out for the rest of the day. Got a big… appointment… in Northern Virginia. Biiiiig interview, yep. [30-minute pause]. Damnit, Kucinich got there before me. [Craigslist]