The Senate, for those unfamiliar with the august body, is sort of like the US version of the House of Lords; and like the House of Lords it is populated with harelipped dauphins who make ribald jokes with each other between bouts of pleurisy, gout, and cavorting with fast women, such as each other’s spouses. After the jump: the Iowa Republican totally pwns the North Dakota Democrat, who is unable to pleasure his wife. MORE »

Well FINALLY we have a state we can make fun of here on the Wonkette because none of its fourteen (14) residents have time to read this dumb Web site — they’re all still busy staying employed, at actual jobs! (The recession, which loses velocity as it cools, has not yet crept into the snowy north.) So let’s talk some shit about North Dakota while all those lamers toil at the wheel of industry. Let’s see, uh, North Dakota is the Mexico of Canada! Also, all of its politicians are crooks, all two of them. MORE »

• The FBI invaded a dorm party thrown by the college sophomore who “hacked” Palin’s email, but he escaped, and is probably hiding out in the bedroom of any girl who watched him outrun the Feds. [Fresh Intelligence]
• Obama is stockpiling all America’s guns for himself, forcing this poor Bitter to go into the woods and find Obama and shoot him with the last remaining deer rifle. [Ben Smith]
• Use this Internet website to convince the government to buy all your dumb shit when you eventually move to the Dominican Republic, to live in Charlie Rangel’s illegal pleasure villa. [Matthew Yglesias]
• In the grand tradition of all people to have visited North Dakota, Obama has decided to get the hell out of there. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Looks like McCain’s plan to postpone all the Trooper-Gate business until after the election worked. This will be accomplished by hiding Palin from some tuff-guy named “Branchflower” until January.  [TPMMuckraker]

There’s some big news coming out of North Dakota State University, America’s college. The school’s “Saddle and Sirloin Club” held a Mr. NDSU contest recently, and some strange things happened: “People who attended said a pageant contestant from Saddle and Sirloin dressed as a woman from the Internet video ‘I Got a Crush on Obama’ and performed [a lap dance] for another student who was wearing dark makeup and an afro wig. In the background, two male students dressed as cowboys simulated anal sex while holding an Obama sign that one student ripped at the conclusion of the 30-second performance.” Too much Sirloin for the Saddle, as Hillary Clinton likes to say about penises. [Bismarck Tribune]

A reader sends us this creepy photo of a tottering shack perched on the edge of a snow mound in a remote corner of the planet Hoth. Or is it maybe North Dakota? Wherever this tragic construction lies, one Wonkette insider assures us it is “Ron Paul’s House.” Has our favorite Texas congressman actually retired to some hermit’s lair in the frigid north? MORE »

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John McCain’s money woes are over! He’s at the top of the pack in scenic North Dakota, where all 7,280 residents sent him one dollar. [Grand Forks Herald]

Senator Byron Dorgan (D-Caddyshack) wants you to know that he hates prairie dogs. Hates, hates, hates ‘em. Did you know there are more prairie dogs than people in his county?

And did you know the federal government wants more prairie dogs in North Dakota? Or that prairie dogs, while they “essentially look like a rat,” respond to verbal commands by 16-year-old kids?

Learn about Dorgan’s frightening obsession, after the jump.

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North Dakota’s legislature proved that it was totally in favor of everyone in Africa dying of AIDS while owing rich people money by defeating a vote to honor Bono for his humanitarian work. The measure was sponsored by Rep. Scot Kelsh, who will always associate the The Unforgettable Fire with those days in college when he stayed up late talking with his friends about things that really mattered, man. MORE »

If the Tennessee Guv’s holiday card was so much fun, surely some other governors sent out cards worth mocking! Here’s what our Exclusive War On Christmas Investigation has found:

North Dakota Governor John Hoeven sent this nostalgic card from the 1970s:

Hoeven’s lovely young daughter went on to star in “One Day at a Time” and marry rocker Eddie Van Halen.

We’ve got a lot more, including another lousy governor’s “painting,” after the jump.

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When the blogs were going on about “Bush Worshippers,” we didn’t know they were talking about Jesus Freaks actually worshipping a life-size cardboard George W. Bush.

But hot on the heels of the groundbreaking “it’s still legal to fertilize crops” reporting, ABC News has revealed shocking footage from somebody else’s documentary showing some wacky fundamentalist Christian kids doing what they do best: going insane for Jesus before their inevitable meth addiction and trailer-park breeding program. Creepy video, after the jump.

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