Tag Archives: north carolina

  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  jesus is coming ... in a totally heterosexual way

Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus

Jesus hated boobies
Remember when Jesus said all that stuff about queers putting their wangers in their butts and how you can’t make a butt baby? We don’t either, but some hobo convicted stalker “street preacher” who is the dad of those sexy Aryan Bigot Twins sure does! And that is why he, Flip Benham, took time out of his busy day to heckle Adam and Steve while they got married at the Mecklenburg County courthouse in Charlotte, North Carolina. Read more on Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus…
  go on take the money and run

North Carolina Republican Says He Did Not Commit Medicare Fraud With That Woman

From the mass of teabagginess that is North Carolina (new state motto: Not as Crazy as South Carolina – But We’re Trying!) comes the Shakesperean saga of state Sen. Wesley Meredith (R-Natch). Meredith is quite the catch for his district encompassing Cumberland County, assuming it’s still 1952 there. The good senator is infamous for a 2010 campaign ad that seemed to imply his female opponent was a prostitute, and he appeared in yr Wonkette once before when he went on the record to say the state should “regulate” marriage to keep it out of the hands of those icky gays and in the Biblically-approved realm of “one man, one woman.” Which is ironic considering the trouble Meredith’s ex-wife is causing him in his re-election campaign right now. Read more on North Carolina Republican Says He Did Not Commit Medicare Fraud With That Woman…
  history korner

White Hero Republican Would Like Credit For Not Being Racist Monster In 1898, Thanks

Thom Tillis wasn't even there
Stern schoolmarm Thom Tillis – who would very much like to be your next senator, North Carolina, please and thank you – had a chance a few years ago to be a decent and generous human being on the issue of our country’s terrible history of race relations. All he had to do was let the North Carolina state legislature pass a resolution formally apologizing for the terrible Wilmington race riot of 1898. It would have cost him literally nothing but the couple of seconds it would take to say “Aye” or push a button or spit tobacco juice into a particular spittoon, or however the legislature in North Carolina records votes. But wouldn’t you know it, Thom decided that party identification and that general sense of white man grievance that afflicts so many conservatives was more important. Read more on White Hero Republican Would Like Credit For Not Being Racist Monster In 1898, Thanks…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
Happy Labor Day, workers of the world! While you and your grillables marinate in anticipation of the big holiday Bar-B-Q/bonfire, we bring you these offerings from the comments queue. Just be careful not to leave them out too long — like mayonnaise, they go bad in the sun. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition…
  Math is haaaaaaaard (for ladies)

Sen. Kay Hagan’s Opponent Will Do All The Math For Her Dumb Little Lady Brain

See? He's doin' math!
Let’s say you are the North Carolina house speaker, and your name is Thom Tillis — hypothetically. You have big bold dreams of being a fancy-pants United States senator, so you decide to challenge sitting Sen. Kay Hagan. Let us also say, just hypothetically, that while polling shows you are only slightly behind Sen. Hagan overall, it also shows you are having a wee bit of a problem wooing the ladies — you are a Republican after all — and “Hagan’s lead [is] 52 percent-34 percent among women.” (For those of us who are bad at math, that’s kind of a big gender gap.) Read more on Sen. Kay Hagan’s Opponent Will Do All The Math For Her Dumb Little Lady Brain…
  paranoia strikes derp

The Stupidest Man On The Internet Found Some Mexicans And You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next

Thanks to the internet, anyone can be a journalist — this is one of the great things about the web, and so it was Big News when a plucky Citizen Journalist caught this video of the Feds busing in a bunch of illegal immigrants to a Walmart in Concord, North Carolina, where they then went on a shopping spree on the taxpayer’s dime, using EBT cards to “shop for everything from food to pillows and blankets.” Not a one of ’em spoke English, so it’s pretty damned obvious they were illegal. Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, reposted the story verbatim from something called “Mad World News” (which we obviously need to start following), with the scary headline “SHOCK VIDEO>>> Illegals Arrive in Bus and Shop at Walmart With EBT Cards.” It’s just unbelievable what Obama thinks he can get away with! Read more on The Stupidest Man On The Internet Found Some Mexicans And You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next…
  shit's fucked up y'all

Racist Official Is Oh Holy Sweet Jesus That’s So F***ing Racist

Are you a person of a duskier hue? Maybe one of our fellow Americans with a really “great tan”? Maybe, because of this variation in skin color from the sallow peachish color of many of us, your forebears actually had to “harvest” cotton, all forced-like. But did you know, friends of color, that according to this fine gentleman who is the chair of a housing authority in North Carolina, that you are lazy and the goodly folk who fought to keep you enslaved were “godly gentlemen”? Well, at least they never tried to enslave you with universal health care. #Outreach. Read more on Racist Official Is Oh Holy Sweet Jesus That’s So F***ing Racist…
  cheap thrillbillies

North Carolina To Legalize Annual ‘Possum Drop’ For Sake Of Fun, Stereotypes

In a victory over the forces of Political Correctness and animal rights extremists, the North Carolina General Assembly has bravely legalized the annual Possum Drop in Brasstown, a New Year’s Eve “tradition” (since 1990) that some idiots who own a convenience store thought would be fun. The special exception to the state’s wildlife laws was passed after PETA had sued to stop it, arguing that it was cruel to the possums, which aren’t actually dropped, but instead placed in a tinsel-lined plexiglass cage and lowered at midnight, just like the big ball in New York City (you have to say that like in the picante sauce ads). Read more on North Carolina To Legalize Annual ‘Possum Drop’ For Sake Of Fun, Stereotypes…
  also working too hard/caring too much

Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much

Patrick Cannon, the hotty (former, disgraced) mayor of Charlotte, North Carolina, pleads guilty today to the crime of loving too much, and also the crime of “bribery or whatever,” and also having some sort of fake feminine hygiene product that he wanted real money for? And something about a nightclub? Was unclear. Read more on Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much…
  unleash the conspiracy theories

Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent Dies Suddenly; Terrible Headline Ensues

While the votes in the Democratic primary for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District were still being examined yesterday to determine whether a runoff would be necessary, the as-of-then second-place candidate, former state Commerce Secretary Keith Crisco, died in a fall at his home in Asheboro. The likely winner of the primary, former American Idol winner runner up* clay Aiken, issued a respectful statement saying he was “stunned and saddened” by the news, and praising Crisco’s basic decency: No matter how high he rose — to Harvard, to the White House and to the Governor’s Cabinet — he never forgot where he came from. He was a gentleman, a good and honorable man and an extraordinary public servant. I was honored to know him. I am suspending all campaign activities as we pray for his family and friends. And at Mediaite, Noah Rothman wrote a piece with the supremely classy headline, “Clay Aiken Just Won the Democratic Primary… Because His Opponent Died.”** Didja get some pageviews guys? Well that’s worth it then! Read more on Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent Dies Suddenly; Terrible Headline Ensues…
  midterm elections

Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!

The great pageant of democracy (or before our more excitable teabagger friends write in, “Our Constitutional Republic”) lurched forward yesterday and vomited forth a whole bunch of candidates for the fall general elections! Let’s wipe ’em off and see what they look like — just don’t get too close. The big question on everybody’s mind: Is Victoria Jackson still in the running for a seat on the Williamson County Commission in Tennessee? She sure is, because she’s running as an independent! We guess there were some other elections, too. Read more on Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!…
  it's a mixed up muddled up shook up world

Shall We All Vote For Anti-Gay Former Drag Queen In North Carolina’s GOP Primary Tomorrow? (Yes.) (Updated)

Updated: see end of post Things may get a little awkward for North Carolina state Senate candidate Steve Wiles (R-Denial), who’s one of three candidates in tomorrow’s primary for his district. See, he’s been touting his support for the state’s ban on same-sex marriage, but then over the weekend, the manager of a gay nightclub in Winston-Salem-Virginia Slims outed Mr. Wiles as a former drag queen who performed under the name “Mona Sinclair,” which doesn’t strike us as a particularly good drag name, but maybe he was just as inept as a drag queen as he is as a rightwing candidate running on an anti-gay platform. Read more on Shall We All Vote For Anti-Gay Former Drag Queen In North Carolina’s GOP Primary Tomorrow? (Yes.) (Updated)…
  a wonkette endorsement

North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great

It is not often that we ask you terrible people to do much besides laugh at our jokes and give us all of your monies. But now we need your help, or at least the help of our readers who live in North Carolina, the (remarkably) less crazy Carolina. We need you to register as Republicans before next Tuesday so you can vote in the GOP Senate primary for crazypants Tea Party candidate Greg Brannon. Have you people outside North Carolina not heard of Crazypants Greg Brannon? Our friends at Buzzfeed and Mother Jones have been tracking him like Marlin Perkins tracking a snow leopard through a Siberian forest and hoo boy, of all the wingnuts who have come oozing out of the primordial swamp that is the Tea Party, this guy might be the wingnuttiest. He could out-nutty Paul “Science is lies from the pit of hell” Broun. He could make Christine O’Donnell look like Madeline Albright. He could … you get the idea. Brannon is a Tea Party activist who has apparently read nothing but John Birch Society newsletters and InfoWars for most of his adult life, resulting in beliefs that are, um, totally whacked-out, poop-brained, Dennis-Hopper-on-meth crazy awesome. Like, such as… Read more on North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great…
  we got your religious freedom hanging

United Church Of Christ Is Going To Make Everyone In North Carolina Get Gay Married

There are about 70 challenges to anti-gay marriage laws making their way through the nation’s courts right now, thanks to the gays wanting to wreck marriages in every state. However, this latest challenge, a lawsuit challenging North Carolina’s Amendment One, a nice little piece of mob rule ballot initiative legislating that says that the state cannot legally recognize any marriage that is not between a man and a woman, is definitely a current favorite. Why? because it is totally a “give the religious zealots a taste of their own medicine” kinda thing. In a novel legal attack on a state’s same-sex marriage ban, a liberal Protestant [the United Church of Christ] denomination on Monday filed a lawsuit arguing that North Carolina is unconstitutionally restricting religious freedom by barring clergy members from blessing gay and lesbian couples. Read more on United Church Of Christ Is Going To Make Everyone In North Carolina Get Gay Married…
  i'll stand by you

Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, We Will Wait For You While You Are In Prison, Until We Don’t

Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, The Touch, the Sigh, the Moment when we wake at Night, in a cold sweat knowing it was just a dream and you are as far from us as you can be, because of how you will probably be going to prison. Our darling, how long must we be parted? Will it be forever? Nay, it will be only like 20 years max, and that million dollar fine — as if it matters! We will live on our love! — for allegedly taking $48 thousand in bribes from fake real estate developers and also something about a feminine hygiene product called “Hers”? But we could not tell if you were developing Hers or if the fake real estate developer was developing Hers, but either way, and whatever kind of feminine hygiene product it might have been, we know it would have made the world a better and more caring place, because you were involved with it even though it was fake maybe? Unclear. Then something about a nightclub. Read more on Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, We Will Wait For You While You Are In Prison, Until We Don’t…
  clipbait

Ronan Farrow, Glenn Beck Both Support Bullied 9-Year-Old Brony; Can Middle East Peace Be Far Behind?

Liberal lovegod Ronan Farrow and weird political freakshow Glenn Beck don’t agree on much of anything, but here’s a Kumbayah, We Are The World moment for you: both say bullying a 9-year-old boy who likes My Little Pony is bad, and if boys want to like a cartoon “for girls,” that’s actually just fine, thanks. Read more on Ronan Farrow, Glenn Beck Both Support Bullied 9-Year-Old Brony; Can Middle East Peace Be Far Behind?…
  baby come on give me one more chance

RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)

You all remember how the Republicans made a big show after Nobummer’s re-election of learning that maybe putting all their eggs in the ‘angry white man’ basket might not work in modern America? That lasted about 2.8 seconds, until Republicans started, you know, being Republican. But since the report that outlined that sincere push was released a year ago today, the RNC has put out a teevee advertisement proving that they can, indeed, find minorities and women to say they are Republican. Click on the video! Seriously, give it a watch! One guy even speaks Mexican, so we assume Rep. Steve King is checking his calves for illegal cantaloupes right this minute!  Read more on RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)…
  not what 'fight the power' was actually about

North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One

We aren’t even sure that it’s news any more when a Republican says that the President of the United States is the worstest most horrible person ever, because that is like printed on GOP letterhead by now, isn’t it? Still, this seems like maybe it’s a new click of the old “He’s not one of us!” hyperbole ratchet, possibly: North Carolina Congressn00b Robert Pittenger has sent out a fundraising letter warning that the POTUS is actually an enemy of the United States of America: You see, I am already on the front lines, taking seriously my oath of office: to defend the U.S. Constitution — and you and your fellow Americans — against all enemies, foreign and domestic. And for that I am being attacked from all sides, including from my fellow Republicans. My friend, make no mistake, Barack Obama is Enemy Number One! Is this new? Maybe just a teensy step over the line? Honestly, we think it might actually be a novelty, in that it’s not some blogger somewhere, but an actual member of Congress, the guy who chairs the Congressional Terrorism Task Force, who’s saying not merely that Obama should be impeached, but that he is an actual enemy of the nation, and a worse enemy than, say, al Qaeda. Correct us if we’re wrong, but that feels like a new one. Read more on North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One…
  hello I love you

Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon Gonna Make Everything All Right All Right

So this funny thing happened: North Carolina’s dick governor, Pat McCrory, went with a bunch of aides to photo op at a grocery store or something (fanfare for the common man-styley) and the guy who went to help him realized who he was and was super-rude to him and got fired. The guy, Drew Swope, was totally cool with being fired — he was like “oh yeah I would fire me too, no probs we’re chill” — and frankly we are cool with him being fired too. Yay for yelling at the dick governor, and also yay for taking your consequences like a man! But it appears Charlotte, North Carolina, has a new hotty mayor, and he is gonna one-man-employment-agency Drew Swope right into a jerb! Read more on Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon Gonna Make Everything All Right All Right…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Gala Of Goofs And Gomers

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape our browser tabs for the stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite worth a full post, stir in some weapons-grade snark, and serve it up to you. We recommend you add your own mental lubricant, but not right before you get interviewed by Bob Costas. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Gala Of Goofs And Gomers…
  smooth operator

We Humbly Apologize For Mocking Clay Aiken’s Congressional Run Because His Campaign Announcement Is Really Great

We’ve been laughing along with everyone else at the idea of Clay Aiken running for Congress, and shared the sentiment of his opponent, Tea Party Congresscritter Renee Ellmers, who pointed and laughed and said Aiken couldn’t even win “American Idol.” We have to eat some words because his campaign announcement is kinda the real deal. Read more on We Humbly Apologize For Mocking Clay Aiken’s Congressional Run Because His Campaign Announcement Is Really Great…