Tag Archives: north carolina

  unleash the conspiracy theories

Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent Dies Suddenly; Terrible Headline Ensues

While the votes in the Democratic primary for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District were still being examined yesterday to determine whether a runoff would be necessary, the as-of-then second-place candidate, former state Commerce Secretary Keith Crisco, died in a fall at his home in Asheboro. The likely winner of the primary, former American Idol winner runner up* clay Aiken, issued a respectful statement saying he was “stunned and saddened” by the news, and praising Crisco’s basic decency: No matter how high he rose — to Harvard, to the White House and to the Governor’s Cabinet — he never forgot where he came from. He was a gentleman, a good and honorable man and an extraordinary public servant. I was honored to know him. I am suspending all campaign activities as we pray for his family and friends. And at Mediaite, Noah Rothman wrote a piece with the supremely classy headline, “Clay Aiken Just Won the Democratic Primary… Because His Opponent Died.”** Didja get some pageviews guys? Well that’s worth it then! Read more on Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent Dies Suddenly; Terrible Headline Ensues…
  midterm elections

Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!

The great pageant of democracy (or before our more excitable teabagger friends write in, “Our Constitutional Republic”) lurched forward yesterday and vomited forth a whole bunch of candidates for the fall general elections! Let’s wipe ‘em off and see what they look like — just don’t get too close. The big question on everybody’s mind: Is Victoria Jackson still in the running for a seat on the Williamson County Commission in Tennessee? She sure is, because she’s running as an independent! We guess there were some other elections, too. Read more on Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!…
  it's a mixed up muddled up shook up world

Shall We All Vote For Anti-Gay Former Drag Queen In North Carolina’s GOP Primary Tomorrow? (Yes.) (Updated)

Updated: see end of post Things may get a little awkward for North Carolina state Senate candidate Steve Wiles (R-Denial), who’s one of three candidates in tomorrow’s primary for his district. See, he’s been touting his support for the state’s ban on same-sex marriage, but then over the weekend, the manager of a gay nightclub in Winston-Salem-Virginia Slims outed Mr. Wiles as a former drag queen who performed under the name “Mona Sinclair,” which doesn’t strike us as a particularly good drag name, but maybe he was just as inept as a drag queen as he is as a rightwing candidate running on an anti-gay platform. Read more on Shall We All Vote For Anti-Gay Former Drag Queen In North Carolina’s GOP Primary Tomorrow? (Yes.) (Updated)…
  a wonkette endorsement

North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great

It is not often that we ask you terrible people to do much besides laugh at our jokes and give us all of your monies. But now we need your help, or at least the help of our readers who live in North Carolina, the (remarkably) less crazy Carolina. We need you to register as Republicans before next Tuesday so you can vote in the GOP Senate primary for crazypants Tea Party candidate Greg Brannon. Have you people outside North Carolina not heard of Crazypants Greg Brannon? Our friends at Buzzfeed and Mother Jones have been tracking him like Marlin Perkins tracking a snow leopard through a Siberian forest and hoo boy, of all the wingnuts who have come oozing out of the primordial swamp that is the Tea Party, this guy might be the wingnuttiest. He could out-nutty Paul “Science is lies from the pit of hell” Broun. He could make Christine O’Donnell look like Madeline Albright. He could … you get the idea. Brannon is a Tea Party activist who has apparently read nothing but John Birch Society newsletters and InfoWars for most of his adult life, resulting in beliefs that are, um, totally whacked-out, poop-brained, Dennis-Hopper-on-meth crazy awesome. Like, such as… Read more on North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great…
  we got your religious freedom hanging

United Church Of Christ Is Going To Make Everyone In North Carolina Get Gay Married

There are about 70 challenges to anti-gay marriage laws making their way through the nation’s courts right now, thanks to the gays wanting to wreck marriages in every state. However, this latest challenge, a lawsuit challenging North Carolina’s Amendment One, a nice little piece of mob rule ballot initiative legislating that says that the state cannot legally recognize any marriage that is not between a man and a woman, is definitely a current favorite. Why? because it is totally a “give the religious zealots a taste of their own medicine” kinda thing. In a novel legal attack on a state’s same-sex marriage ban, a liberal Protestant [the United Church of Christ] denomination on Monday filed a lawsuit arguing that North Carolina is unconstitutionally restricting religious freedom by barring clergy members from blessing gay and lesbian couples. Read more on United Church Of Christ Is Going To Make Everyone In North Carolina Get Gay Married…
  i'll stand by you

Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, We Will Wait For You While You Are In Prison, Until We Don’t

Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, The Touch, the Sigh, the Moment when we wake at Night, in a cold sweat knowing it was just a dream and you are as far from us as you can be, because of how you will probably be going to prison. Our darling, how long must we be parted? Will it be forever? Nay, it will be only like 20 years max, and that million dollar fine — as if it matters! We will live on our love! — for allegedly taking $48 thousand in bribes from fake real estate developers and also something about a feminine hygiene product called “Hers”? But we could not tell if you were developing Hers or if the fake real estate developer was developing Hers, but either way, and whatever kind of feminine hygiene product it might have been, we know it would have made the world a better and more caring place, because you were involved with it even though it was fake maybe? Unclear. Then something about a nightclub. Read more on Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, We Will Wait For You While You Are In Prison, Until We Don’t…
  clipbait

Ronan Farrow, Glenn Beck Both Support Bullied 9-Year-Old Brony; Can Middle East Peace Be Far Behind?

Liberal lovegod Ronan Farrow and weird political freakshow Glenn Beck don’t agree on much of anything, but here’s a Kumbayah, We Are The World moment for you: both say bullying a 9-year-old boy who likes My Little Pony is bad, and if boys want to like a cartoon “for girls,” that’s actually just fine, thanks. Read more on Ronan Farrow, Glenn Beck Both Support Bullied 9-Year-Old Brony; Can Middle East Peace Be Far Behind?…
  baby come on give me one more chance

RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)

You all remember how the Republicans made a big show after Nobummer’s re-election of learning that maybe putting all their eggs in the ‘angry white man’ basket might not work in modern America? That lasted about 2.8 seconds, until Republicans started, you know, being Republican. But since the report that outlined that sincere push was released a year ago today, the RNC has put out a teevee advertisement proving that they can, indeed, find minorities and women to say they are Republican. Click on the video! Seriously, give it a watch! One guy even speaks Mexican, so we assume Rep. Steve King is checking his calves for illegal cantaloupes right this minute!  Read more on RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)…
  not what 'fight the power' was actually about

North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One

We aren’t even sure that it’s news any more when a Republican says that the President of the United States is the worstest most horrible person ever, because that is like printed on GOP letterhead by now, isn’t it? Still, this seems like maybe it’s a new click of the old “He’s not one of us!” hyperbole ratchet, possibly: North Carolina Congressn00b Robert Pittenger has sent out a fundraising letter warning that the POTUS is actually an enemy of the United States of America: You see, I am already on the front lines, taking seriously my oath of office: to defend the U.S. Constitution — and you and your fellow Americans — against all enemies, foreign and domestic. And for that I am being attacked from all sides, including from my fellow Republicans. My friend, make no mistake, Barack Obama is Enemy Number One! Is this new? Maybe just a teensy step over the line? Honestly, we think it might actually be a novelty, in that it’s not some blogger somewhere, but an actual member of Congress, the guy who chairs the Congressional Terrorism Task Force, who’s saying not merely that Obama should be impeached, but that he is an actual enemy of the nation, and a worse enemy than, say, al Qaeda. Correct us if we’re wrong, but that feels like a new one. Read more on North Carolina Congressional Freshman Declares Barack Obama Terrorist Enemy Number One…
  hello I love you

Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon Gonna Make Everything All Right All Right

So this funny thing happened: North Carolina’s dick governor, Pat McCrory, went with a bunch of aides to photo op at a grocery store or something (fanfare for the common man-styley) and the guy who went to help him realized who he was and was super-rude to him and got fired. The guy, Drew Swope, was totally cool with being fired — he was like “oh yeah I would fire me too, no probs we’re chill” — and frankly we are cool with him being fired too. Yay for yelling at the dick governor, and also yay for taking your consequences like a man! But it appears Charlotte, North Carolina, has a new hotty mayor, and he is gonna one-man-employment-agency Drew Swope right into a jerb! Read more on Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon Gonna Make Everything All Right All Right…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Gala Of Goofs And Gomers

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we scrape our browser tabs for the stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether but not quite worth a full post, stir in some weapons-grade snark, and serve it up to you. We recommend you add your own mental lubricant, but not right before you get interviewed by Bob Costas. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Gala Of Goofs And Gomers…
  smooth operator

We Humbly Apologize For Mocking Clay Aiken’s Congressional Run Because His Campaign Announcement Is Really Great

We’ve been laughing along with everyone else at the idea of Clay Aiken running for Congress, and shared the sentiment of his opponent, Tea Party Congresscritter Renee Ellmers, who pointed and laughed and said Aiken couldn’t even win “American Idol.” We have to eat some words because his campaign announcement is kinda the real deal. Read more on We Humbly Apologize For Mocking Clay Aiken’s Congressional Run Because His Campaign Announcement Is Really Great…
  post-racial america is here at last

NC Gov Pat McCrory: These Million Black People Don’t Need A Congressman Because What’s He Gonna Do Anyway, Vote?

So we all know that the GOP is trying really hard to keep ‘undesirables’ from voting — whether we are talking about youngsters, racial minorities, or anyone who might be too poor to afford proper ID. (Thanks, SCOTUS.) But North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory (R-1950s) has come up with a novel way to disenfranchise minorities: just deny them a member of Congress! BRILLIANT, right? Rather than all the effort of suppressing voters and costs associated with weeding out undesirables, why not just straight up deny a majority-minority district their member of Congress for a year? McCrory is doing just that with the seat vacated by Rep. Mel Watt (D-NC), who resigned in early January to head up the Federal Housing Finance Agency. McCrory is working the system so that the seat won’t be filled until after the November election, and his reason is simple: Congress sucks anyway, so no worries. Oh yeah, that’s for real his answer, and we don’t even have a joke for it because HOLY FUCK that takes some balls. Some seriously racist, 1950s-era Jim Crow balls.  Read more on NC Gov Pat McCrory: These Million Black People Don’t Need A Congressman Because What’s He Gonna Do Anyway, Vote?…
  hush a bye bye

North Carolina Fails In Bid To Protect Capitol From NAACP, Same-Sex Goat Weddings

The administration of North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory wants to make it absolutely clear that it had no intention at all of blocking the NAACP from protesting the state’s far-right legislature at the Capitol building, not at all. It just denied the group a permit because it was worried that a gathering of over 100 people would be impossible to manage, and also, uh, maybe, because those people might have gotten up to all kinds of shenanigans. Or maybe even hoopla. So that’s why it had to deny the permit. The NAACP managed to get permission for the rally after taking the case to court Monday; Superior Court Judge Allen Baddour ruled that the state had to issue the permit, so yay. NAACP attorney Scott Holmes pointed out that the claim about the size of the group was less than convincing, considering that hundreds of people attended a Christmas tree lighting ceremony led by Gov. McCrory at the same location earlier this month. But that’s a silly comparison, because Christmas tree lightings aren’t full of people demanding that the state legislature stop being a bunch of rightwing assholes. Read more on North Carolina Fails In Bid To Protect Capitol From NAACP, Same-Sex Goat Weddings…
  contender for the hyper bowl

North Carolina State Senator Hits Nazi-USSR-Terrorist Trifecta Of Obamacare Hyperbole

We’re actually a little sympathetic to North Carolina state Sen. Bob Rucho, who twattered this over the weekend. Metaphors are hard, and sometimes when you really dislike something, it’s hard not to just pile on. After all, for heaven’s sake, people have been comparing Obamacare to the Nazis, or to the gulags, for years now. So why not just slop in a little of everything? And so we learned just how bad the Supreme Court’s upholding of the ACA truly is: “Justice Robert’s pen & Obamacare has done more damage to the USA then [sic]the swords of the Nazis,Soviets & terrorists combined.” Honestly, nothing that hasn’t been said before; why is anyone disputing this? Read more on North Carolina State Senator Hits Nazi-USSR-Terrorist Trifecta Of Obamacare Hyperbole…
  wheels within wheels plus a chewy nougat filling

Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Got Your Red Herring All Over My False Flag

Once more unto the comment queue, dear Wonkenologists, and what do we find? Aha! An astute analysis, by one “michaelfrivero,” of the serious lack of critical thinking in our coverage of Everest Wilhelmen, the gentleman from “Christian American Patriots Militia” who said that as far as he’s concerned, he now has authority to shoot Obama and other enemies of Amurka. Michaelfrivero, who runs him a website called “whatreallyhappened.com,” has this all figured out, and can’t believe how naïve we are: Obama certainly needs to regain the sympathy and support of the American people and nothing would accomplish that more quickly than for Obama to fake an assassination attempt on himself. Which is what this news story seems to suggest. Again, look for what should be there and isn’t. In this case, what is missing is a reason for anyone actually planning a genuine assassination to advertise that fact on Facebook, knowing the NSA’s computers would flag it and bring it to the attention of the SS (Secret Service). This only makes sense. Or maybe it could be a delusional idiot who isn’t really planning an assassination attempt, but likes to Sound Tough on the Internet, which is what we were kind of getting at. But let’s find out what else, like the curious case of the dog in the night, simply isn’t there! Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: You Got Your Red Herring All Over My False Flag…
  seriously let's just forget the chicken this time

North Carolina Cops Interfere In Foster Parents’ Innovative Dead-Chicken-Based Discipline Program

In Monroe, North Carolina, Dorian Lee Harper and Wanda Sue Larson were arrested Friday and charged with child abuse after a deputy found their 11-year-old foster child handcuffed to the couple’s front porch. With a dead chicken tied around his neck. We’re pretty sure that one’s not even in the Bible, though we’re constantly being surprised by what people think is in there. Oh, and Mr. Harper is an ER nurse, and Ms. Larson is a supervisor with Union County’s Department of Social Services (DSS). You know, the agency that runs the foster-care program. And they had four additional foster other adopted [sorry for the error — Dok Z] children in their animal-feces-filled home. So these guys are not weirdos or anything; they’re respectable professionals. Read more on North Carolina Cops Interfere In Foster Parents’ Innovative Dead-Chicken-Based Discipline Program…
  I'll show you mine

North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment

Finally, here’s a story about an idiot with a gun that we can laugh at without feeling like terrible people! Last Tuesday evening, Some Unknown Guy went to the Winkler Street GNC in Wilkesboro, North Carolina, like we all do when we need to buy some foul-tasting dehydrated fat to make us fatter, or just to shoot the breeze with the people who work at GNC, who are our dear friends. That Tuesday, the conversation turned as usual to our American Second Amendment Right To Wave Around Guns Like A Moron, and you’ll never guess what happened next. Read more on North Carolina Man Accidentally Discharges Gun In Body Shaming Store While Discussing Finer Points Of Second Amendment…
  welcome to post-racial america

Reince Priebus Celebrates Opposite Day By Blaming Obama For ‘Culture Of Hatred’

When we woke up this morning, we felt a disturbing vibe that left us with a dread akin to the thought of motorboating Chris Christie’s moobs. We soon realized that this was not the fault of the sweet, god-fearing, kindhearted and ultra-loving GOP, but rather because we were drowning in a sea of hatred, spawned by our Dark Overlord of Anti-Hope. At least, that’s what the Leader of Enlightment Itself, RNC head Reince Priebus, had to say, per Politico: Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus ripped President Barack Obama for creating a “culture of hatred” in which Democrats are likening the GOP to the Ku Klux Klan. “It’s the culture that the president’s cultivated here. A culture of dishonesty, a culture of hatred,” Priebus said Monday on Fox News’s “Hannity.” Clearly the man with the unpronounceable name is correct, and Democrats are spreading a culture of hatred around the country and ginning up race-related fears with KKK references. Let’s sexplore this phenomenon.  Read more on Reince Priebus Celebrates Opposite Day By Blaming Obama For ‘Culture Of Hatred’…
  and what's the deal with airline peanuts huh?

North Carolina State Legislator Tells 2009’s Funniest Birther Joke

Last week we had the North Carolina county GOP guy who was forced to resign after telling the Daily Show that, sure, the state’s voter-suppression laws were more about reducing the Democratic vote than addressing voter fraud, and if that hurt “lazy black people that wants the government to give them everything,” well, that’s OK too. Turns out he’s not the only wit in state politics, though — consider this knee-slapper that state Rep. Larry Pittman told last Monday to a friendly crowd in Concord: Read more on North Carolina State Legislator Tells 2009’s Funniest Birther Joke…
  so much for freedom of speech

More Non-Racist Politicians Have To Resign After Saying Non-Racist Stuff Out Loud

The Daily Show Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,The Daily Show on Facebook Looks like the lamestream media is on another witch hunt for decent non-racist politicians. It’s so sad how all this Political Correctness is oppressing people and keeping them from speaking freely, just because some people don’t like the stuff that comes out of their mouth-parts. Today we have two victims of self-inflicted Free Speech: Don Yelton, a North Carolina Republican precinct chair who was asked to resign after being a bit too honest with The Daily Show about the state’s new voter suppression laws; and Mark Lewis, the former mayor of El Cajon, California, who stepped down today following criticism over his remarks about Chaldean kids in his community who qualify for free school lunches but are supposedly “being picked up by Mercedes Benzes” from school; he also had said that when the Iraqi Christians refugees come to America, “it doesn’t take them too long to learn where all the freebies are at.” What ever happened to the First Amendment’s guarantee that you can say anything you want and never be criticized for it? Read more on More Non-Racist Politicians Have To Resign After Saying Non-Racist Stuff Out Loud…
  at least it wasn't taken by the government

North Carolina Rep. Renee Ellmers’ Family Loves Guns So Much They Shared An AR-15 With Whoever Stole It

North Carolina Congressdope Renee Ellmers, who recently became a Wonket Hero for her brave stance on accepting her congressional paycheck during the shutdown — “I need my paycheck. That’s the bottom line” — has once again ascended the summit of Derp Mountain, this time in connection with an issue dear to her heart: she’s a staunch supporter of responsible gun ownership for protecting your family, and her husband reported the theft of an unsecured AR-15 rifle from their home in Dunn, North Carolina last week. The rifle, a gun case and a GPS, with a cumulative value of $1,100, were reported stolen, according to Chief J.D. Pope. Police think the theft happened on the night of Oct. 15. “According to the report, they had been out target shooting and brought the gun back and leaned it against the gun safe,” Pope said. “ … The garage door was left unsecured, according to the report.” It is not known whether the theft will affect her endorsement by the National Rifle Association. We doubt it. Hey, these things happen. Read more on North Carolina Rep. Renee Ellmers’ Family Loves Guns So Much They Shared An AR-15 With Whoever Stole It…