Wonkette

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3! MORE »

We interrupt your Fourth of July with some Breaking News: Jesse Helms was apparently still alive, and now he’s dead, hooray! He was a sour troll and a bigot, and it’s a testament to every rotten thing about this country that for a quarter century, he was one of the most powerful people in American politics. [LAT/NYT]

Meet local Democratic leader Joy Johnson, of Durham, N.C. — she’s (allegedly) a crazy Satanist! Johnson and her younger husband, Joseph Craig, have been charged with a variety of rape and torture and kidnapping crimes, all because of “a satanic ritual that got out of hand.” MORE »

North Carolina Governor Mike Easley, who supported Hillary Clinton when she was still alive and famously called Obama a “pansy,” which the media assumed meant “fag,” is suddenly in league with this same fag, as demonstrated by this terrorist fist jab they shared at a North Carolina rally yesterday. Look at the gal in the muu-muu, walking away. She knows what’s up. The rally was literally lined with dangerous roaster chickens. [YouTube]

This weekend, Mike Huckabee gave North Carolina lieutenant governor candidate Robert Pittenger a fried squirrel liver, knowing that it was tough, so when Pittenger choked, Huckabee came and hugged him from behind (as per the Heimlich Manuever), saving his life, making himself Vice President. Or, he was merely humping a man who was choking to death. [ABC News]

NO RETREAT, BABY, NO SURRENDER: “Upon more questioning, the campaign advisers acknowledged some hard truths. Even if the Florida and Michigan delegations were seated, it would not be enough for a win. The financial health of the campaign appeared grim — Mrs. Clinton loaned herself $6 million last month, and she is prepared to donate more. And if there was good news to share about overnight on-line fund-raising totals, Mr. Wolfson did not mention it.” [New York Times]

Cable news anchors, you are all fired, except for Chuck Todd. You freak out for weeks about all the crazy doomsday scenarios in which Hillary Clinton might be able to WREST the nomination from Captain Hope, and finally at 2 a.m. you’re like, “Oh, but the math.” This is a photograph of Hillary Clinton also thinking about math. [New York Observer]

Here’s Smilin’ Barry Obama, with wife Michelle, after (or just before?) his “convention speech” delivered to the usual adoring crowd, in Raleigh, North Carolina. Let’s run some more Obama porn for you people with your addictions, after the jump. MORE »

Here is your Relief Editor, clocking in one million hours after the polls have closed, and all we know is that Barack Obama won North Carolina and Indiana is filthy with Hoosiers. That pretty much brings us up to speed, right? Let’s LIVEBLOG the speech Barack Obama is about to give, explaining why he does not have “a tone of condensation” (that is what Tom Brokaw called it) when he talks to the Little People. MORE »

…And she’s single! Well maybe not, but Hillary Clinton will soon be single when Bill divorces her and becomes president again on his own terms. Because Hillary is losing her ass off in North Carolina, and will only win by like 5 points or whatever in Indiana (although they haven’t called), and Bill never loved her anyway. Then we can go back to liking Hillary ironically until she dies, in 2209 AD. More liveblogging? More liveblogging! MORE »