Tag Archives: north carolina

 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  People Are Horrible: An Ongoing Series

Idiot Atheist Murders Three Muslim Students In NC; Conservatives Are Greatest Victims

Deah Barakat, his wife Yusor Abu-Salha, and her sister Razan Abu-Salha
Congratulations, America, we have a whole new terrible murder to turn into a debating point in the Culture Wars! And just to mix things up a bit, the victims were three Muslim students (all of them apparently smart over-achievers who should have had beautiful lives ahead of them), and the accused killer is described variously as an “atheist,” a “radical atheist,” or a “crazed progressive atheist.” Read more on Idiot Atheist Murders Three Muslim Students In NC; Conservatives Are Greatest Victims…
  That's the sound of freedom being flushed

Republican Party Comes Out Against Basic Hygiene, For Freedom

Don't shake his hand, you can be pretty sure where it's been
North Carolina’s newbie Sen. Thom Tillis is a damned fine Republican. You can tell because of how much he hates government regulation of any kind, because that is just the government murdering freedom. Read more on Republican Party Comes Out Against Basic Hygiene, For Freedom…
  so we're all good then right?

Judge Exonerates 14-Year-Old Black Boy 70 Years Later. Execution Harder To Reverse

Remember, America has nothing to apologize for. It was a long time ago. Robert Byrd was in the KKK. The NAACP are the real racists. This is just a distraction from Benghazi.
A South Carolina judge has thrown out the 1944 murder conviction of George Stinney Jr., who had been convicted of murdering two young white girls whose heads were smashed with something like a railroad spike. Stinney, 14 years old, was tried in two hours and found guilty after ten minutes of deliberation — by an all-white jury, of course — and sentenced to death. It was a model of speedy justice, Jim Crow style, summarized here by The Washington Post’s Lindsey Bever: Read more on Judge Exonerates 14-Year-Old Black Boy 70 Years Later. Execution Harder To Reverse…
  Pretty Sure Jefferson And Adams Never Mentioned Feminazis

Rush Limbaugh’s Crappy Books Will Save Kids From A.P. History

Why teach American history when you can worship it instead?
The Grand Freakout over revisions to the Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam continues. As you recall, the College Board’s changes to the APUSH test — which downplay memorization and emphasize more engagement with primary historical texts — have set off all kinds of fretting on the right, which worries that students won’t be told that America is the kindest bravest warmest most wonderful nation that’s ever existed. Read more on Rush Limbaugh’s Crappy Books Will Save Kids From A.P. History…
  roger ailes on line two

GOP Lady Who Called Obama Daughters Skanks Has Always Had Strong Opinions That Suck

Damn right we're going to wring every page view out of this low-hanging fruit we can.
Man did we have a good laugh the other day at the sordid tale of Elizabeth Lauten, the shitwitted GOP staffer and future crazy cat lady who thought it was a good idea to publicly slut-shame President Obama’s daughters for being teenagers and then needed God and her mommy and daddy to convince her that eh, maybe she should not have done that. Lauten lost her job as a result of her indiscretion and the story should have died right there. We had not counted on the Washington Post deciding to wring every last drop they could out of the smoking ruins of Lauten’s career by assigning a foreign-affairs reporter to drop that important story about international relations and comb through the twit’s Internet history to find some more of her embarrassing maunderings. Read more on GOP Lady Who Called Obama Daughters Skanks Has Always Had Strong Opinions That Suck…
  Wonkette Guide to Electoral Shenanigans

Here’s Your Complete Guide To Frauding The Vote On Election Day

  When it comes to threats against fair elections in America, voter fraud is the new Black Panthers. The way everyone’s talking about electoral integrity this fall, people must be fake-voting coast to coast! With the midterm elections coming up on Tuesday, it’s time to ask: Is voter fraud right for you? Read more on Here’s Your Complete Guide To Frauding The Vote On Election Day…
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  jesus is coming ... in a totally heterosexual way

Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus

Jesus hated boobies
Remember when Jesus said all that stuff about queers putting their wangers in their butts and how you can’t make a butt baby? We don’t either, but some hobo convicted stalker “street preacher” who is the dad of those sexy Aryan Bigot Twins sure does! And that is why he, Flip Benham, took time out of his busy day to heckle Adam and Steve while they got married at the Mecklenburg County courthouse in Charlotte, North Carolina. Read more on Bigot Twins’ Hobo Dad Has Nothing Better To Do Than Heckle Gay Weddings, For Jesus…
  go on take the money and run

North Carolina Republican Says He Did Not Commit Medicare Fraud With That Woman

From the mass of teabagginess that is North Carolina (new state motto: Not as Crazy as South Carolina – But We’re Trying!) comes the Shakesperean saga of state Sen. Wesley Meredith (R-Natch). Meredith is quite the catch for his district encompassing Cumberland County, assuming it’s still 1952 there. The good senator is infamous for a 2010 campaign ad that seemed to imply his female opponent was a prostitute, and he appeared in yr Wonkette once before when he went on the record to say the state should “regulate” marriage to keep it out of the hands of those icky gays and in the Biblically-approved realm of “one man, one woman.” Which is ironic considering the trouble Meredith’s ex-wife is causing him in his re-election campaign right now. Read more on North Carolina Republican Says He Did Not Commit Medicare Fraud With That Woman…
  history korner

White Hero Republican Would Like Credit For Not Being Racist Monster In 1898, Thanks

Thom Tillis wasn't even there
Stern schoolmarm Thom Tillis – who would very much like to be your next senator, North Carolina, please and thank you – had a chance a few years ago to be a decent and generous human being on the issue of our country’s terrible history of race relations. All he had to do was let the North Carolina state legislature pass a resolution formally apologizing for the terrible Wilmington race riot of 1898. It would have cost him literally nothing but the couple of seconds it would take to say “Aye” or push a button or spit tobacco juice into a particular spittoon, or however the legislature in North Carolina records votes. But wouldn’t you know it, Thom decided that party identification and that general sense of white man grievance that afflicts so many conservatives was more important. Read more on White Hero Republican Would Like Credit For Not Being Racist Monster In 1898, Thanks…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the poor quality of the .gifs on this mommyblog!
Happy Labor Day, workers of the world! While you and your grillables marinate in anticipation of the big holiday Bar-B-Q/bonfire, we bring you these offerings from the comments queue. Just be careful not to leave them out too long — like mayonnaise, they go bad in the sun. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition…
  Math is haaaaaaaard (for ladies)

Sen. Kay Hagan’s Opponent Will Do All The Math For Her Dumb Little Lady Brain

See? He's doin' math!
Let’s say you are the North Carolina house speaker, and your name is Thom Tillis — hypothetically. You have big bold dreams of being a fancy-pants United States senator, so you decide to challenge sitting Sen. Kay Hagan. Let us also say, just hypothetically, that while polling shows you are only slightly behind Sen. Hagan overall, it also shows you are having a wee bit of a problem wooing the ladies — you are a Republican after all — and “Hagan’s lead [is] 52 percent-34 percent among women.” (For those of us who are bad at math, that’s kind of a big gender gap.) Read more on Sen. Kay Hagan’s Opponent Will Do All The Math For Her Dumb Little Lady Brain…
  paranoia strikes derp

The Stupidest Man On The Internet Found Some Mexicans And You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next

Thanks to the internet, anyone can be a journalist — this is one of the great things about the web, and so it was Big News when a plucky Citizen Journalist caught this video of the Feds busing in a bunch of illegal immigrants to a Walmart in Concord, North Carolina, where they then went on a shopping spree on the taxpayer’s dime, using EBT cards to “shop for everything from food to pillows and blankets.” Not a one of ‘em spoke English, so it’s pretty damned obvious they were illegal. Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, reposted the story verbatim from something called “Mad World News” (which we obviously need to start following), with the scary headline “SHOCK VIDEO>>> Illegals Arrive in Bus and Shop at Walmart With EBT Cards.” It’s just unbelievable what Obama thinks he can get away with! Read more on The Stupidest Man On The Internet Found Some Mexicans And You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next…
  shit's fucked up y'all

Racist Official Is Oh Holy Sweet Jesus That’s So F***ing Racist

Are you a person of a duskier hue? Maybe one of our fellow Americans with a really “great tan”? Maybe, because of this variation in skin color from the sallow peachish color of many of us, your forebears actually had to “harvest” cotton, all forced-like. But did you know, friends of color, that according to this fine gentleman who is the chair of a housing authority in North Carolina, that you are lazy and the goodly folk who fought to keep you enslaved were “godly gentlemen”? Well, at least they never tried to enslave you with universal health care. #Outreach. Read more on Racist Official Is Oh Holy Sweet Jesus That’s So F***ing Racist…
  cheap thrillbillies

North Carolina To Legalize Annual ‘Possum Drop’ For Sake Of Fun, Stereotypes

In a victory over the forces of Political Correctness and animal rights extremists, the North Carolina General Assembly has bravely legalized the annual Possum Drop in Brasstown, a New Year’s Eve “tradition” (since 1990) that some idiots who own a convenience store thought would be fun. The special exception to the state’s wildlife laws was passed after PETA had sued to stop it, arguing that it was cruel to the possums, which aren’t actually dropped, but instead placed in a tinsel-lined plexiglass cage and lowered at midnight, just like the big ball in New York City (you have to say that like in the picante sauce ads). Read more on North Carolina To Legalize Annual ‘Possum Drop’ For Sake Of Fun, Stereotypes…
  also working too hard/caring too much

Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much

Patrick Cannon, the hotty (former, disgraced) mayor of Charlotte, North Carolina, pleads guilty today to the crime of loving too much, and also the crime of “bribery or whatever,” and also having some sort of fake feminine hygiene product that he wanted real money for? And something about a nightclub? Was unclear. Read more on Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much…
  unleash the conspiracy theories

Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent Dies Suddenly; Terrible Headline Ensues

While the votes in the Democratic primary for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District were still being examined yesterday to determine whether a runoff would be necessary, the as-of-then second-place candidate, former state Commerce Secretary Keith Crisco, died in a fall at his home in Asheboro. The likely winner of the primary, former American Idol winner runner up* clay Aiken, issued a respectful statement saying he was “stunned and saddened” by the news, and praising Crisco’s basic decency: No matter how high he rose — to Harvard, to the White House and to the Governor’s Cabinet — he never forgot where he came from. He was a gentleman, a good and honorable man and an extraordinary public servant. I was honored to know him. I am suspending all campaign activities as we pray for his family and friends. And at Mediaite, Noah Rothman wrote a piece with the supremely classy headline, “Clay Aiken Just Won the Democratic Primary… Because His Opponent Died.”** Didja get some pageviews guys? Well that’s worth it then! Read more on Clay Aiken’s Primary Opponent Dies Suddenly; Terrible Headline Ensues…
  midterm elections

Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!

The great pageant of democracy (or before our more excitable teabagger friends write in, “Our Constitutional Republic”) lurched forward yesterday and vomited forth a whole bunch of candidates for the fall general elections! Let’s wipe ‘em off and see what they look like — just don’t get too close. The big question on everybody’s mind: Is Victoria Jackson still in the running for a seat on the Williamson County Commission in Tennessee? She sure is, because she’s running as an independent! We guess there were some other elections, too. Read more on Here Is Your Primary Election Wrap-Up, America!…
  it's a mixed up muddled up shook up world

Shall We All Vote For Anti-Gay Former Drag Queen In North Carolina’s GOP Primary Tomorrow? (Yes.) (Updated)

Updated: see end of post Things may get a little awkward for North Carolina state Senate candidate Steve Wiles (R-Denial), who’s one of three candidates in tomorrow’s primary for his district. See, he’s been touting his support for the state’s ban on same-sex marriage, but then over the weekend, the manager of a gay nightclub in Winston-Salem-Virginia Slims outed Mr. Wiles as a former drag queen who performed under the name “Mona Sinclair,” which doesn’t strike us as a particularly good drag name, but maybe he was just as inept as a drag queen as he is as a rightwing candidate running on an anti-gay platform. Read more on Shall We All Vote For Anti-Gay Former Drag Queen In North Carolina’s GOP Primary Tomorrow? (Yes.) (Updated)…
  a wonkette endorsement

North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great

It is not often that we ask you terrible people to do much besides laugh at our jokes and give us all of your monies. But now we need your help, or at least the help of our readers who live in North Carolina, the (remarkably) less crazy Carolina. We need you to register as Republicans before next Tuesday so you can vote in the GOP Senate primary for crazypants Tea Party candidate Greg Brannon. Have you people outside North Carolina not heard of Crazypants Greg Brannon? Our friends at Buzzfeed and Mother Jones have been tracking him like Marlin Perkins tracking a snow leopard through a Siberian forest and hoo boy, of all the wingnuts who have come oozing out of the primordial swamp that is the Tea Party, this guy might be the wingnuttiest. He could out-nutty Paul “Science is lies from the pit of hell” Broun. He could make Christine O’Donnell look like Madeline Albright. He could … you get the idea. Brannon is a Tea Party activist who has apparently read nothing but John Birch Society newsletters and InfoWars for most of his adult life, resulting in beliefs that are, um, totally whacked-out, poop-brained, Dennis-Hopper-on-meth crazy awesome. Like, such as… Read more on North Carolinians, Please Vote For This Greg Brannon Fella, You’ll Love Him, He’s Great…
  we got your religious freedom hanging

United Church Of Christ Is Going To Make Everyone In North Carolina Get Gay Married

There are about 70 challenges to anti-gay marriage laws making their way through the nation’s courts right now, thanks to the gays wanting to wreck marriages in every state. However, this latest challenge, a lawsuit challenging North Carolina’s Amendment One, a nice little piece of mob rule ballot initiative legislating that says that the state cannot legally recognize any marriage that is not between a man and a woman, is definitely a current favorite. Why? because it is totally a “give the religious zealots a taste of their own medicine” kinda thing. In a novel legal attack on a state’s same-sex marriage ban, a liberal Protestant [the United Church of Christ] denomination on Monday filed a lawsuit arguing that North Carolina is unconstitutionally restricting religious freedom by barring clergy members from blessing gay and lesbian couples. Read more on United Church Of Christ Is Going To Make Everyone In North Carolina Get Gay Married…