north carolina
North Carolina Republican Loves Praying, But Only The Jesus Kind Because Otherwise It Is Terrorism
Dear sweet American Jesus who is all-knowing and all-powerful and loves capitalism and hates liberals, why do you let bad things like this happen in your name? In an email exchange with a constituent, Republican state Rep. Michele Presnell of Burnsville was asked whether she was comfortable with a prayer to Allah before a legislative [...]
North Carolina Bill Would Require Criminal Background Checks For Food Stamp Applicants, Won’t Even Give Them Guns
It’s pretty darned encouraging to see that somebody is willing to take serious action on crime. And since we all know that crime results from poverty, what better way to reduce crime than by mandating criminal background checks on applicants for food stamps? A bill to do just that is the brainchild of North Carolina [...]
North Carolina To Tax Elitists For Sending Kids To College
If you read the glorious leader Editrix’s post earlier today (and seriously, if you haven’t, please. she beats us if there aren’t enough pageviews), then you know that you probably don’t want to move to North Carolina if you are one o’them funny not-mainstream religions like Muslin or Jewicidal. You probably did not want to [...]
North Carolina Patriots Simply Do Not Care For United States Constitution Tellin’ Them What To Do
Are you a Muslin, or a Jewish, or a Godless, or a witch? Then it is time for you to get the h-e-double-hockey-sticks out of North Carolina! Republicans there — including the House Majority Leader — have sponsored a bill saying that mean ol’ Constitution, despite a couple centuries’ worth of law and jurisprudence and [...]
North Carolina Democrat Kay Hagan, Profile In Courage
Last week, we had some mean namecalling for Ohio Senator Rob Portman. We were all, Rob Portman: Fuck That Guy. It was particularly trenchant, and well-said! But now the newest person to all of a sudden have seen the (big gay disco ball) light is a Democrat, so it is a totally different thing, and [...]
Can’t Say They Didn’t Warn Us: Gays Finally End Straight Marriage Once And For All
How could we have been so blind? Skateboard punk rocker folk singing lefty Michelle Shocked was right, y’all: gay marriage really has ended the world! Well, maybe it hasn’t ended the world. But it has officially ended straight marriage at one church in North Carolina. So we guess we should have been listening to Maggie [...]
North Carolina GOP, Saving Poors One Lotto Ticket at a Time
Look, we give people welfare so they can put food on their family, this is a stone cold fact. Also, we allow people to declare bankruptcy to give them a temporary respite from being crushed under the bootheel of late-stage capitalism in post-regulation, free market America, also a stone cold fact. So letting Poors and [...]
PSA: Get Your Own Patriotic Protection Apparatus, Courtesy of the Asheville Tea Party
In the wake of the massacre of children at Sandy Hook Elementary (as well as the alarming violent trend in its aftermath), you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Hey, I really need a gun.” Or you already exercise your rights to the fullest, and you’re thinking, “Hey, I really need more guns.” Either way, you’re sick [...]
North Carolina Prison Warden Discovers ‘Hot Sauce On The Balls’ Not Legitimate Penal Policy
So sometimes, when you can’t sleep, you watch Lockup on MSNBC at 3 a.m., and you think, “Wow, those guards deal with so much, it’s so good that they are so upstanding and not like the evil ones in movies and such.” But sometimes… they are. Not on television, of course, but, surprisingly, down in [...]
Paula Broadwell Was Going To Be A Senator, Because Why Not
Good morning, Wonkette darlings! It is Monday, and you have to ask yourself: are you getting a little bored with the Petraeus scandal? We mean, sure, it’s fun thinking about the crazy grifting identical twins and hot (?) shirtless FBI guys, but the actual core of the scandal — married dude and married lady with [...]
A Children’s Treasury of Wacky Swing State Voter ‘Irregularities’
Greetings Wonketeers, and welcome to the day before the day before the beginning of the next four years of our lives! Yes, as of Tuesday we can hopefully stop hearing about Mitt Romney and Bronco Bama, and move on to either sighing with relief or planning our move to Canada. But first, let us pause [...]
Pollster To O’Reilly: Romney Is So Far Ahead In Invisible Polls That I Quit
David Paleologos, director of polling at Suffolk University, has “pulled” his pollsters out of Florida, North Carolina and Virginia because it is simply impossible for Barack Obama to win. Paleologos said the movement towards Romney in the three states was “overwhelming.” Obama was in particular trouble in Florida, where even before last week’s presidential debate [...]
Small Businessman Built That, Sits On Throne Of Non-Union Lies
Last month, an African-American businessman named Calvin Hunter wrote a column for a website called Canada Free Press. He wrote about why, after spending his whole life a loyal Democrat, he now hates the Rotten Horrible Democrat Party. We know about this because Allen West told us about it on the tweeter yesterday, in case [...]
Hello Charlotte, Ready To Rumble?
It is time for your Democratic Convention-flavored Charlotte hoe-down, North Carolina, and we will be seeing you tonight at six! The party is at our secret Casita de Wonkadonk, so email wonketteparty@gmail.com for the supersecret address, and also please don’t come by the rest of the week to murder us. Really! Please!
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