Tag Archives: nonsense

  The Best Part of Waking Up

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Butt-Chugging Gluten With The Food Babe

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Land o’ Goshen! Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly round-up of the best in pseudoscientific woo-wooey nonsense to catch the attention of your most handsome salesman, Dr. Fare la Volpe, Naturopathic Chi Master DDS. We’ve got a whole bushel-full of nonsense and horse puck to sift through, so we might as well get started with the biggest horse apple of them all, the Food Babe. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Butt-Chugging Gluten With The Food Babe…
  From the Makers of Trepanning

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Don’t Get Your Dorito Spermicide Here!

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Greetings and Salutations, friends! Do you have aches and pains what ail you? Are you afflicted by rheumatism, King’s evil, and the French pox? Do you seek the fantastical cures to these maladies and more, and maybe a little tincture to rattle your marriage bed? Well you won’t find them here, by gumption. Nay, friends, for in this traveling medicine show you’ll find a rundown of the choicest concoctions of bull pucky, bunk, and pseudoscience to grace our marvelous steam-powered electro-web! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Don’t Get Your Dorito Spermicide Here!…
  you gays get off his lawn

Angry Old Man At WND Pretty Sure That NAMBLA Is Going To Take Over The National Cathedral

We thumbed through our archives and realized we really don’t pay enough heed to the comedy stylings of Les Kinsolving over at WND, and that’s a crying shame, because he has the slightly-unhinged yet wholly cranky anger that only the elderly can really deliver, and oh my yes is he mad at the gay people and the transgender people and the everyone who is not Les Kinsolving people in a delightfully train wreck-y get off my lawn sort of fashion. Read more on Angry Old Man At WND Pretty Sure That NAMBLA Is Going To Take Over The National Cathedral…
  faster theocrat

Tom Delay Reminds America That God Wrote The Constitution And George Washington Rose From The Dead

Looks like now that ol’ Tom DeLay’s legal troubles are in the past, he’s busy polishing up his credentials for the next phase of his life on the Wingnut Welfare circuit. In addition to his glee at getting his gun rights restored, here’s another nice bullet point on his résumé: he had a nice little chat with Reverend Matthew Hagee about the True History of the United Jesus States of Godmerica, in which he explained that many of our country’s problems come from the moment when “we allowed our government to become a secular government.” We aren’t quite sure whether he means March 4, 1789, or maybe December 15, 1791. Probably the latter, because even though the Constitution became law in 1789, the First Amendment wasn’t ratified by the states until 1791. You could still make a pretty good case for the earlier date, though, since Article Six already had that line about “no religious test” ever being required for public office. So thanks for the history lesson, Mr. DeLay! Oh, but maybe that’s not what you meant? Well what did you mean? DeLay said that Americans have forgotten “that God created this nation [and] that He wrote the Constitution, that it’s based on biblical principles.” Oh, we see! You meant that you are actually a complete charlatan who is angling for a sinecure somewhere nice, like maybe the Family Research Council or the American Patriarchy Association or Wall Builders. Got it! What color is the sky on your planet? Read more on Tom Delay Reminds America That God Wrote The Constitution And George Washington Rose From The Dead…
  well-behaved women can suck it

U.K. Has Its Own Elizabeth Warren, But She Yells At Google Instead Of Ben Bernanke (Video)

We here at Wonkette have a big melty spot (OUR HEART, PERVS) for ladies what yell at people. We are absolutely sure this has nothing to do with our upbringing, which as we recall was filled with gentle murmurings, hair ribbons, and warm pots of choc-o-late by the fire. There is Elizabeth Warren, first and always. There was Glenda Jackson thundering in the voice of God over the mouldering corpse of Margaret Thatcher. There was Aussie “sheila” prime minister Tilda Swinton LITERALLY KILLING SEXISTS DEAD WITH HER HARANGUE that was so fucking beautiful and great and like four hours long and captivating from start to finish, and you should probably give yourself some Nice Time and go watch it again. Oh, and now there is another lady, a British-Lande “MP,” and like Warren she pitches her voice low and ladylike so the icepick can go cleaner right into the ear. Let us watch as she murders Google for being “evil.” Read more on U.K. Has Its Own Elizabeth Warren, But She Yells At Google Instead Of Ben Bernanke (Video)…
  your mind says no but your lips say yes

Obama Can’t Stop Revealing How He Stole Election

You Wonkettians, in your lie-brul enclaves. Why, you probably haven’t even spent ONE SINGLE MINUTE seething about Obummer’s “victory” since the election ended. No, you’re still celebrating with hardcore S&M bondage, lattes, sacrifices to the Dark Lord, and driving your Volvos. (Do liberals still drive Volvos? Is that still an insult?) Nevermind. The good men and women of WND have been seething pretty much 24/7 since America voted to have socialism rammed down our throats. Bitter bitter Bob Unruh brings you the not-at-all-far-fetched tale of one brave soul who is speaking out about how Obama sure as hell knows he lost the election, and just can’t keep quiet about it: A forensic profiler whose previous cases have included the Natalie Holloway disappearance and the O.J. Simpson double murder says Barack Obama is confessing to stealing the 2012 president election. “Obama appears to unconsciously confess on multiple occasions that in his secret fury he stole the 2012 presidential election – continuing his attacks on our nation,” Andrew G. Hodges, M.D., told WND in an assessment of Obama. “But really that is no different whatsoever than in 2008 becoming an illegal president who violated the Constitution. This knowledge comes from one undeniable fact: we have discovered a new unconscious mind that continually quick-reads situations and communicates about it – as Obama reveals.” Read more on Obama Can’t Stop Revealing How He Stole Election…
  don't revenge! Reload!

Noted Historian Sarah Palin Thinks Barack Obama Is Just Like Robespierre, If She Knew Who Robespierre Was

Former half-term GILF and current Facebook celebrity Sarah Palin thinks Barack Obama is a very bad man. What did the Kenyan Usurper do this time? He said “Voting is the best revenge.” As you can imagine, this is the biggest threat the Republic has ever known except for that one time some New Black Panthers held the door to the polling place open for an old white lady. Read more on Noted Historian Sarah Palin Thinks Barack Obama Is Just Like Robespierre, If She Knew Who Robespierre Was…
  quittin' time

Insane, Crabby Lesbian Jack Welch Quits ‘Fortune’ Like A Little Bitch

Hey remember last week? Probably not, it was last week. Well that was when the new jobs numbers came out, putting unemployment below 8 percent for the first time in President Afrika Bambaata’s presidency and destroying in one blow eight million Miffed Romney speeches about how B. Barry Bamz was too lazy to make jobs for people, and also food stamps or something probably too. WELL. You remember a small hullaballoo ensued, as fucking idiots like former GE king Jack Welch (and also Donald Trump, in case you were wondering if there was anything to it) started screaming and freaking out that Barry had COOKED THE BOOKS. Sadly, everybody then started asking if had Alzheimer’s like Ronald Reagan or something, because it was truly embarrassing. Now Jack Welch has huffed off from his prestige job spitting out nonsense at Fortune and CNN because they had no choice but to distance themselves from this crazy old man by writing many articles explaining that he was either a blithering idiot or had lost his freaking mind. Read more on Insane, Crabby Lesbian Jack Welch Quits ‘Fortune’ Like A Little Bitch…
  she can see it from 1990

Horrible Dragon Lady Liz Cheney Thinks Czechoslovakia Is Still A Thing

Before repeatedly using his deal with Satan to cheat death, former Vice President and It’s A Wonderful Life villain Dick Cheney brought spawn into the world and it immediately began saying horrible things that are false and stupid. Read more on Horrible Dragon Lady Liz Cheney Thinks Czechoslovakia Is Still A Thing…
  thursday puerto rico roundup

Powerful Gov’t Twitter Monster In Puerto Rico Always Shouting Racist Nonsense at Obama

It’s time for your Thursday Puerto Rico Roundup! What’s going on in that little island that we own or whatever this week? Well, they’ve got a racist Twitter lady type situation going down. Watch out! And how about that, she’s in politics. Steel yourselves: “An adviser to Puerto Rico’s most powerful female lawmaker faced calls to resign on Wednesday after she sent a tweet to President Barack Obama urging him to buy the first lady a double-banana sundae and take her to Kenya.” What’s the problem? That sounds like a great anniversary trip itinerary. Read more on Powerful Gov’t Twitter Monster In Puerto Rico Always Shouting Racist Nonsense at Obama…
  sleeps with the fishes

Daily Caller: Barack Obama Such A Loser He Only Killed Bin Laden Once

OH NOEZ Barack H. Christ has not killed Osama Bin Laden dead often enough for the pleasant fellows of the Daily Caller, as their screaming headlines insist he let OBL go three times (before killing him). Let us hear their evidence, which is contradicted by every other instance of deep-dive reporting on the subject, and by somewhat more respected sources, such as anyone in the world who isn’t the Daily Caller! Read more on Daily Caller: Barack Obama Such A Loser He Only Killed Bin Laden Once…
  secrets of the elite

Hot Gossip Interview With Wonkette’s Own Former Cranbrook Preppy, Kirsten Boyd Johnson

Yesterday we learned all about how young Willard “Mitt” Romney used to terrorize gay people with scissors during his time at the Cranbrook Boarding School For Youths Of A Certain Gentility. And then our own Kirsten Boyd Johnson was like, “Oh yeah I went to Cranbrook.” Jesus Kirsten, ABOUT TIME YOU SAID THAT much? Anyway, here is our revealing (-ish) interview with her about crashed Porsches and stuff. Wonkette: Kirsten, you attended Cranbrook several decades after Mitt Romney did. What was he like? Read more on Hot Gossip Interview With Wonkette’s Own Former Cranbrook Preppy, Kirsten Boyd Johnson…
  wait a second those are not men

Emotional Video Reminds Everyone That Sarah Palin Is the Queen Of Teabagger Ladies

Sarah Palin’s PAC released a video today that features Palin spouting out some of her nonsense catchphrases over swelling music and video of various Teabagger women being angry about that socialist black guy. Politico calls this a “campaign-style video,” and if there is a campaign here, it is to remind Teabagger women who their leader is so they don’t get any crazy ideas about harnessing this dumb movement for themselves and leaving Queen Sarah behind. But mostly it is an emotional summary of what has happened since 2008: America’s women have left the home and become politically active for the very first time, all because of America’s first female elected official, Sarah Palin. Read more on Emotional Video Reminds Everyone That Sarah Palin Is the Queen Of Teabagger Ladies…
  how capitalism works

Ann Coulter Speaks!

Wow, this gal is a quick healer! Less than a month ago her jaw was wired shut, and here she is talking again. She says it’s good that newspapers are going bankrupt, because this is how competition works in the Free Market, and competition is good, because people want more choices rather than less, and so offering people fewer choices in print media is … awesome? Whatever, nobody ever said Ann Coulter had to make sense. [YouTube] Read more on Ann Coulter Speaks!…
 

Civil Rights Group Kills, Buries Innocent Word

The NAACP held a funeral yesterday for a word, which the civil-rights group murdered beforehand in an outrageous premeditated black-on-black crime that will go unpunished, because it happened in Detroit. The word was not identified, although the Washington Times gave a hint in that the word begins with the letter “n.” Then there was a mockery of a funeral where the killers shed crocodile tears for the “n-word” they had just robbed of life. And now we’ll never even know the word’s actual name … unless we look at the picture in the Times’ story. Read more on Civil Rights Group Kills, Buries Innocent Word…