Tag Archives: nikki haley

  a feature not a bug

If Kansas Jumped Off A Bridge, Would Other States Do It Too? Apparently Yes!

That bridge sucked anyway.
You may be familiar with the state of Kansas, where Governor Sam Brownback and the ruling GOP have conducted what Brownback has called a “great experiment” in conservative economics. They’ve radically slashed income taxes, especially for top earners, on the theory that liberating this money will supercharge the economy; businesses will flock in, new jobs will be created, and an orgy of private sector commerce will fill the budget hole caused by the tax cuts. Read more on If Kansas Jumped Off A Bridge, Would Other States Do It Too? Apparently Yes!…
  news of the weird

South Carolina Republican Wants To Take Guns From Lady-Beaters. No, Seriously.

Us, right now.
Hey there South Carolina, birthplace of the Late Unpleasantness, state that gave Newt Gingrich his sole primary victory in 2012, and home base of this asshole. What crazy shenanigans are you up to now? Oh, just trying to pass a bill that would make it illegal for domestic abusers to own guns. Ha ha, you impetuous hicks, you—wait, what? That sounds like a sane and reasonable idea. What in the hell? Read more on South Carolina Republican Wants To Take Guns From Lady-Beaters. No, Seriously….
  South Carolina’s a hell of a drug

Gov. Nikki Haley Wants To Arm All The Lady-Beaters, For The Constitution

That's just how freedom works, too bad
Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina runs a hell of a state. It’s the kind of state where Stand Your Ground laws don’t apply to victims of domestic violence — because that would be ridiculous! — and it’s still A-OK to let your Confederate freak flag fly because the out-of-state CEOs Haley talks to don’t have a problem with it. Also, she ended racism by getting elected, YOU’RE WELCOME. Read more on Gov. Nikki Haley Wants To Arm All The Lady-Beaters, For The Constitution…
  confederate flag? hey look over there!

If The Confederate Flag Is OK With Yankee Businessmen, It’s OK With Nikki Haley

What if we put Kermit on the flag? Everyone loves Kermit.
Sweet Siddhartha of Myrtle Beach, did someone crack open the skull of Gov. Nikki Haley (R-Of Course) of South Carolina, scoop out her brain, and replace it with a lump of guacamole? Sure, she governs a state populated by rancid goobers who have an unholy attachment to the Confederate flag, and she wants to keep them happy without reminding them they are celebrating a long-dead nation that got stomped like an anthill in the path of a marauding band of five-year-old Ritalin junkies. Still, if the question is “Should the state of South Carolina continue flying this flag on the lawn of its statehouse?” surely Gov. Haley can come up with a better answer than “Eh, CEOs of out-of-state businesses don’t seem to mind it.” Read more on If The Confederate Flag Is OK With Yankee Businessmen, It’s OK With Nikki Haley…
  look for the union libel

South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley Will Have None Of Your Dirty American Automakers Or Their Filthy Filthy Unions

Governor Nikki Haley just wants to assure the people of South Carolina that they will never have to worry about high wages or job security, because those communist notions have no place in the Palmetto Bug State. After attending an automotive conference in Greenville, she told the Greenville News that she discourages companies from opening factories in South Carolina if they have any plans to allow unions, because she does not want any organized labor cooties getting on the state: “It’s not something we want to see happen … We discourage any companies that have unions from wanting to come to South Carolina because we don’t want to take the water.” Funny thing she should use that expression, seeing as how loosely regulated industrial facilities in neighboring North Carolina have been slopping toxic coal ash sludge into the rivers. But environmental ruin is just one of the beautiful side effects of being a state that’s “open for business”; you can also tout low wages, crappy benefits, and fire-at-will policies, all of which make South Carolina such a paradise for jobs. Read more on South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley Will Have None Of Your Dirty American Automakers Or Their Filthy Filthy Unions…
  oh nikki!

Nikki Haley Locks Self Out Of Governor’s Mansion In Robe Like Classic Sitcom Housewife

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley posted this important communication to her Facebook page Wednesday: What not to do…getting locked out of the Governor’s mansion in your robe while sending the kids off to school. sigh…#adayinthelife Later in the day, Gov. Haley reportedly became flustered by the increasingly frantic pace of chocolates on an assembly line. Hijinks ensued. Read more on Nikki Haley Locks Self Out Of Governor’s Mansion In Robe Like Classic Sitcom Housewife…
  Now We've Seen Everything

Anti-Immigrant Immigrant Forced To Resign From Daughter Of Immigrants Nikki Haley’s Re-Election Campaign

Here is yr Wonkette’s attempt to condense all the wtf of this story into a single, grammatical sentence: Roan Garcia-Quintana, a Cuban immigrant and prominent member of the white supremacist, anti-immigrant group Council of Conservative Citizens, was asked to resign from non-white spawn of immigrants Gov. Nikki Haley’s re-election committee almost a full week after Garcia-Quintana’s white supremacist ties were made public and, presumably, someone in Nikki Haley’s campaign was able to find five seconds to google “council of conservative citizens” and read the little blurb that appears under their name in the results, which is: “Advocating against minorities and racial integration.” Phew! Read more on Anti-Immigrant Immigrant Forced To Resign From Daughter Of Immigrants Nikki Haley’s Re-Election Campaign…
  go back to narnia

South Carolina Dem Chair Has Totally Believable Lie About Dumb Thing He Said About Nikki Haley

Oh Southern Dems. First you shoot your own fool faces off by being SUPER FUCKING RACIST about Mitch McConnell’s Taiwan-born wife, Elaine Chao, who’s enough of an asshole that you DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE TO BRING HER ASIANNESS INTO IT. Well, now the chair of the South Carolina Democratic Party has said an idiot SUPER FUCKING RACIST thing about Governor Nikki Haley. At the Jefferson/Jackson Dinner. Because if you are going to say shitty SUPER FUCKING RACIST things, it should definitely be at the dinner named for the dude who impregnated his slave and the other dude who killed all the Indians, and then, when Supreme Court Chief Justice* John Marshall told him to stop killing all the Indians, invented the awesome catchphrase “YOU AND WHAT ARMY.” Anyway, now he is lying about it. Read more on South Carolina Dem Chair Has Totally Believable Lie About Dumb Thing He Said About Nikki Haley…
  movin' on up

In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative

Rep. Tim Scott (R-SC), who is the Other Black House Republican Besides Allen West, is your newest Senator from South Carolina, after Jim Demint left to grift money at the Heritage Foundation!  YAY!!! Many people think that Tim Scott is somehow better because he is more moderate than Allen West, which is sort of like a fried Snickers bar being healthier than a fried Twinkie because it is covered in slightly less batter.  Also because, much like a Twinkie, Allen West was defeated and therefore no longer really exists. As it turns out, Tim Scott is fucking crazy, but he has that sexy Michael Jordan head rather than Allen West’s weird graying Kendall Gill flattop, so all is forgiven. Read more on In Bout Of Not-Affirmative Action, GOP To Promote Party’s Lone Remaining Black Representative…
  I said good day sir...good day!

Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate

South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint (R-R’lyeh) announced that he will resign his U.S. Senate seat in January to become president of the Heritage Foundation. Sen. DeMint, just two years into his second term, will be trading “public service” (i.e., shaping policy to funnel government resources to contributors) for a “position in the private sector” (i.e., lobbying to get policy shaped to funnel government resources to contributors). “I’m leaving the Senate now, but I’m not leaving the fight. I’ve decided to join The Heritage Foundation at a time when the conservative movement needs strong leadership in the battle of ideas,” DeMint said in a statement. Liberal bloggers nationwide groaned at the “battle of ideas” metaphor, knowing that they would thereby be forced to invoke the “unarmed opponent” cliché. Curse you, Jim DeMint! Read more on Jim DeMint Has Had Enough Of Your Stupid Senate…
  rape rape

Next Vice President Nikki Haley Axes Half Mil From Rape Crisis Centers Because They ‘Distract’ From Public Health

First the sluts tried not to die from cervical cancer, but South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley had a national reputation to tend to, so she vetoed voluntary HPV inoculations for teen girls. But what have the sluts done this time? Well, they went and got themselves raped. According to the governor, state funding for rape victims “attempts to serve a portion of our population for which we extend our sympathy and encouragement, but nevertheless, it is only a small portion of South Carolina’s chronically ill or abused.” Haley said the $453,000 designated for the South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault’s rape crisis centers “distract[s] from the agency’s broader mission of protecting South Carolina’s public health.” Now those are some conservative credentials! We salute you, Governor Haley — or should we say “Future Vice President Haley,” amirite??? Read more on Next Vice President Nikki Haley Axes Half Mil From Rape Crisis Centers Because They ‘Distract’ From Public Health…
  won't somebody think of the children?

SC Gov Nikki Haley Changes Mind, Loves Girls Getting Cervical Cancer Now

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley used to be one of those terrible sluts who wanted to ram her HPV vaccine down your preteen’s throat. We know this because she cosponsored a bill in the South Carolina legislature that would have mandated HPV vaccinations for preteen girls, thus taking their innocence and instantly turning them all into streetwalking hookers (with syphilis). But now? The good governor has evolved into a woman with higher national sights, as she has just vetoed a bill for an optional HPV vaccine on some fictional grounds of “Obamacare” or something. (She actually called it “a precursor to another taxpayer-funded health care mandate” or whatever, it doesn’t matter, since she plumb made it up.) Read more on SC Gov Nikki Haley Changes Mind, Loves Girls Getting Cervical Cancer Now…
  republicans in the news

Nikki Haley Has Best-Ever Legal Defense Strategy Against Ethics Probe

South Carolina’s dingbat governor Nikki Haley, famous chiefly for being the only human ever rumored to make hot forbidden love with a political blogger, has lately been in trouble for allegedly making hot forbidden legislative favors for her health company employer while she was still a state representative and doing “secret consulting work,” which sounds roughly as hot as secret blogger sex. Here is why Nikki Haley’s lawyer would like the House ethics panel to rule in her favor: “To find otherwise would not only impugn the integrity of many other members of the General Assembly, but also that of many of South Carolina’s best corporate partners: BlueCross BlueShield of South Carolina, Michelin, AT&T, Time Warner Cable, and several others.” We believe the usual lawyerly defense goes more along the lines of “no wrongdoing took place,” but sure, “everybody else does it, too” sounds great. So how does the panel rule? Read more on Nikki Haley Has Best-Ever Legal Defense Strategy Against Ethics Probe…
  wha?

Allen West: Tanning Tax Is ‘Racist,’ John Wayne Is ‘Watching Our Back’

Sarah Palin and Nikki Haley’s calculated pick for vice president, Florida Rep. Allen West, currently has the fun task of trying to woo Florida Democrats thanks to redistricting laws that are magically moving his cheese around! So over the weekend West spoke at a 1,200-capacity venue in the usually Democratic-leaning Century Village area of Palm Beach County, and 75 people showed up. There, West told these skeptical retirees, who for the most part had no idea who he was, that the tanning tax included in Obamacare is “racist” and that West is the Democrats’ #1 target. The collective response: “He is?” Oh, and then there is Allen West’s Facebook page. Read more on Allen West: Tanning Tax Is ‘Racist,’ John Wayne Is ‘Watching Our Back’…
  worst zombie movie ever

Zombie Voters Latest Scourge to Terrorize SC GOP’s Imagination

We all know that Democrats are forever trying to let poor and minority people be allowed to vote, which, you know, huge SCANDAL already right there, but have you heard about the latest Republican voter “fraud” outrage du jour? ZOMBIES, VOTING! (Vampires: so last year.) South Carolina’s DMV director Kevin Shwedo, a Nikki “what massive state unemployment rate” Haley appointee, produced a list of 957 dead people who he claims managed against all odds to vote in South Carolina’s primary last weekend. This conclusively proves the need for a voter ID, in order to help poll workers better determine whether the person standing before them at the registration desk is or is not a member of the undead. Shwedo won’t let anyone from the state’s election commission see the list of names, of course, maybe because the whole six names he did hand over to the commission were investigated and did not turn out to be cases of fraud at all? Read more on Zombie Voters Latest Scourge to Terrorize SC GOP’s Imagination…
  Profiles in Courage

Nikki Haley Tries to Empower Women While Endorsing Woman-Phobic Freak

South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley, (former) Tea Party fave, is trying her best to distract us from the sad and dull obviousness of her 2012 endorsement of Mitt Romney with a new Marie Claire interview just ahead of the release of her book, Can’t Is Not An Option (which really looked like Cain Is Not An Option for a second). Read more on Nikki Haley Tries to Empower Women While Endorsing Woman-Phobic Freak…
  sex games gone awry

Nikki Haley Will Fix Stuff Right After Finishing These Fake Report Cards

South Carolina governor Nikki Haley — last seen demanding full cooperation from her miserable state employees’ souls with a demented Orwellian decree that they answer their office phones cheerfully or else — has very few actual ideas about how to improve the nosebleed-inducing altitude of the state’s unemployment rate, so she’s trying some role-play with legislators to …eh, pass the time, mostly. In today’s stupid fantasy-turned-policy scenario, she is the Embittered School Marm who issues “report cards” to all state lawmakers grading them according to how much they annoy her. Most Democrats got an “F,” for “fuckers,” and Republicans mostly got A or B grades and, notably, not a single F. Kinky?! Read more on Nikki Haley Will Fix Stuff Right After Finishing These Fake Report Cards…
  this should be popular

Nikki Haley Fixes South Carolina’s Bad Vibes With Stupid Phone Greetings

South Carolina teabagger governor Nikki Haley has decided to remedy South Carolina’s myriad ways of sucking for people who live in South Carolina — it currently has the country’s fourth-highest unemployment rate and sports saturated Medicaid rolls (meaning everyone is poor) — like a champion middle manager with a mean collection of self-help books who thinks everybody’s problem is all the negative thoughts filling their auras. So from here on out, all state employees under her control are ordered to say, “It’s a great day in South Carolina” when they answer their work phones, despite this being the exact sort of phrase that immediately reminds everyone it is not. Read more on Nikki Haley Fixes South Carolina’s Bad Vibes With Stupid Phone Greetings…
  convenient

Nikki Haley First Non-White Governor of South Carolina to Also Be White

Here is what most people know about Indian American governor Nikki Haley: she is the only human on Earth rumored to ever have sex with a political blogger, and she is the only minority female human on Earth ever to be the unfortunate ruler of South Carolina. What is a lesser-known fact about Haley is that she is also a white human! True story! Acccording to the box she checked on her voter registration card, Nimrata Nikki Randhawa Haley is a not-minority white person. Is it just because non-white people are not allowed to vote in the South? No, it is because Nikki Haley acts white and loves her white state of mind and voting like a white person. She is so white, in fact, that she responded to a request by the NAACP to finally get rid of the dumb, racist Confederate flag in front of the Statehouse with a very white-persony, “nah.” Read more on Nikki Haley First Non-White Governor of South Carolina to Also Be White…
  uncompassionate bloggerism

Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt

Nikki Haley is now governor of South Carolina, despite being brown and despite allegations that she posted her genitals on some South Carolina blogger guy’s genital site. That guy, Will Folks, will be releasing a book about doing sex things with Haley at some point, but for now, he’s posted an excerpt. (“Sexcerpt”? Is that what they call this sort of thing on the blogs?) Here’s a choice quote: “John Mayer’s “Slow Dancing In a Burning Room” played on her CD changer.” Gubernatorial! Another: “After sliding the front seats of her SUV as far back as they would go, Nikki climbed on top of me – rubbing her crotch back and forth over the growing bulge in my pants while I groped her ass and ran my hands through her hair and up and down her back.” EWW, NIKKI HALEY HAS BACK HAIR? Oh, we misread that. Read more on Guy Who Says He Had Sex With Nikki Haley Writes Book, Releases Excerpt…
  oh noes!

Nikki Haley Can Never Get Around To Doing Her Taxes

South Carolina gubernatorial nominee Nikki Haley is best known for being a Republican MINORITY and being accused of having sex with people. But also: “Haley, a fiscal conservative and tea party favorite, cites her experience as an accountant on the campaign trail.” So it is funny that she never does her taxes on time. She and her husband have been fined nearly $4,500 for this over the years, and somehow her 2005 and 2006 returns were filed over 14 months late. Of course, this will only boost her campaign, like those sexy allegations did, because conservative South Carolinians know the IRS is evil, which is as good a reason as any to secede again. Read more on Nikki Haley Can Never Get Around To Doing Her Taxes…