Tag Archives: nicolas sarkozy

  go to jail go directly to jail

Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail

America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life so his undocumented workers he could clean up dust bunnies in his suburban McMansion even though he tortured us all (some of us, literally) for eight years playing neo-con puppet to Dick Cheney’s and John Bolton’s war administration. This says a lot about America (not all of it good). Perhaps we were nice to George because it would hurt our collective John Wayne Gacy hearts to see a wild n’ free cowboy behind bars. But France doesn’t have any cowboys. This Friday, June 15, former French president Nicolas Sarkozy will lose his presidential immunity from criminal prosecution and be eligible for investigation for some alleged crimes we already told you about (taking illegal campaign contributions from two crazy people: L’Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt and dead dictator Moamar Gaddafi) plus two more: Read more on Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail…
  move up your apocalypse calendars!

Oh No France Is Socialist Again

Last night at 8pm not-your-time, two hours after the Belgian and Swiss media had already published election results and 30 minutes after Nicolas Sarkozy deleted his Facebook page, the French media announced that socialist François Hollande (great NYT bio) will be the next president of France. France is a country of 1,765,983,854 laws that are completely vague and contradict each other so that everyone can figure out how to break them, and it has rules about disclosing election results, and for some reason French media followed those rules to the letter. And now France will swear in Francois Hollande sometime between May 13 and 15, because French people like to be uncertain and tortured. At exactly one minute past 8pm, the world outside burst into celebration. Horns honked, firecrackers popped and people cheered. The tradition for French election after-parties is for the left to gather at La Bastille (the start of the French peasant revolution) and the right to gather at Place de la Concorde (where the guillotine was first erected in order to behead French royalty). Sarkozy called off his celebration at Concorde way before the final announcement. In contrast, so many people showed up at the Bastille, they had to shut down the nearby Metro stations. Read more on Oh No France Is Socialist Again…
  Le Plus Beau Du Quartier

Losing French Person Sarkozy Red-Faced And Flailing In Debate With Commie Marxist Kenyan Socialist

Here’s l’update for those of you who are bedazzled by the French presidential election. The two candidates had their only debate on Wednesday night. We have written many, many words about it below, but if you prefer, you can listen to a hip-hop remix of François Hollande’s statements and a daft-punk remix of Sarkozy. Le Petit Prince Sarkozy, who’s a bit sensitive about his diminutive height, regularly belittled his opponent François Hollande during Wednesday night’s one and only debate before the final round of voting this Sunday. Sarkozy, confident of his well-known command of the teevee medium, demanded that Hollande participate in three debates (because of his other nickname, l’Americain). But Hollande refused, because he’s tall. Read more on Losing French Person Sarkozy Red-Faced And Flailing In Debate With Commie Marxist Kenyan Socialist…
  colonel of truth

Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi

With only seven days to go until the final round of voting in France’s presidential election, some lefty terrorist media organization published documentary evidence that Nicolas Sarkozy was promised 50 Million freedom fries in campaign contributions from snappy dresser and all around nice guy Muammar Gaddafi. Here’s what’s in the little letter of money promises, from the BBC: The document – dated 2006 and written in Arabic – appears to have been signed by the then Libyan foreign intelligence chief Musa Kusa. It refers to an “agreement in principle to support the campaign for the candidate for the presidential elections, Nicolas Sarkozy, for a sum equivalent to 50m euros.” The first sniff of intrigue actually came in March 2011 in the form of a TeeVee interview with mad dog’s puppy, Saif al-Islam Gadhafi, after Sarkozy recognized the Libyan opposition’s National Transition Council as a legitimate government. Son of a madman had this to say to Monsieur Sarkozy: “Sarkozy must first give back the money he took from Libya to finance his electoral campaign. We funded it and we have all the details and are ready to reveal everything. … The first thing we want this clown to do is to give the money back to the Libyan people. He was given the assistance so he could help them, but he has disappointed us. Give us back our money.” Read more on Nicolas Sarkozy In Bedouin With Gaddafi…
  check out this unbreakable navajo code

French Resistance Encodes Election Results On Twitter: The Dwarf Has Pawned His Rolex

In the land of perpetual ennui, where humor is not a cultural norm, the French had their first round of presidential elections yesterday, and also their second revolution. This time, they didn’t have to show up at the Bastille with burning baguettes, they just stayed in their pajamas and revolted on Twitter, flouting la loi which bans the publication of election results before 8pm on election day. If you do, you’ll be slapped with a €75,000 fine ($99,000) and do time in La Conciergerie, where Marie Antoinette ate her horsey cake. Read more on French Resistance Encodes Election Results On Twitter: The Dwarf Has Pawned His Rolex…
  conspiracy alert

George W. Bush Had Top Secret Prior Info That Obama Would Win in 2008

New reports out of France suggest that George W. Bush had prior knowledge of the evil librul plot to destroy America by electing an overwhelmingly centrist politician to succeed him. Let’s have the dirt, Buzzfeed: “George W. Bush told French President Nicolas Sarkozy that he had early intelligence that Democrat Barack Obama would be his successor in the White House: His [hilariously drunken] daughters were enthusiastic supporters of the Democrat, according to an account from a top French official.” There you have it. Just like every other horrible tragedy to befall the United States, George W. Bush was warned ahead of time. [Buzzfeed] Read more on George W. Bush Had Top Secret Prior Info That Obama Would Win in 2008…
  daily briefing

Obama Makes Arrangements For Less Death, More Money

In his State of the Union Wednesday, Obama will announce a spending freeze for many of America’s domestic programs. As these programs do not include Lost, no one will care. [New York Times] Read more on Obama Makes Arrangements For Less Death, More Money…
  quaint international quibbles

Nicolas Sarkozy Might Have Sadly Photoshopped His Facebook Photo!

Here is your annual bit of foreign news from the foreign country of France! France’s “President”—think: the equivalent of America’s “minority whip”—Nicolas Sarkozy posted a Facebook photo on his French Facebook in which he is shown personally destroying the Berlin Wall with a Nicolas Sarkozy-sized ax. Except according to historical evidence dating back to November 9th, 1989 A.D., Sarkozy was actually in Paris at the time. According to European-style geography, it would have been impossible for Sarkozy to be both in Paris and also knocking down the Berlin Wall, located in Berlin. Read more on Nicolas Sarkozy Might Have Sadly Photoshopped His Facebook Photo!…
  royal scandal!

Barack Obama Basically Punches Queen Of England

The Obamas have a terrible relationship with the Queen of England, Elizabeth Windsor. This is known. When they visited the Queen a few months ago, Barack Obama gave Her Majesty a “Touch iPod” loaded with hardcore interracial pornography films and swine flu. Michelle Obama, meanwhile, grabbed the Queen’s boobs for at least 30 minutes. The whole affair was vulgar. And now look what’s up: Gordon Brown didn’t invite the Queen to a Normandy party in Nicolas Sarkozy’s country, and she is pissed. Why did Barack Obama insult the Queen like this? Read more on Barack Obama Basically Punches Queen Of England…
  rumors on the internets

Everyone Loves A Wartime Economy!

The Junior Senator from France, Nicolas Sarkozy, has started up with some anti-imperialist rhetoric in Prussian capital of Munich of all places. On the bright side, this new WWI with France and Germany will save the economy for sure. [Matthew Yglesias] Read more on Everyone Loves A Wartime Economy!…
  europe is for nuts

Frenetic Muppet Sarkozy Does Not Think Obama Is Black ‘Scum’

Barack Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy had been engaging in some “heavy petting” during this Congressional Trip, until this moment. During their joint press conference, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour asks Sarkozy if he feels awkward praising black Obama when, only a few years ago, he was calling black French rioters “scum,” the worst word in the world. Read more on Frenetic Muppet Sarkozy Does Not Think Obama Is Black ‘Scum’…
  city on a hill

George Bush Jr. Makes Annual ‘National Embarrassment Joke’ At G8

Oh George Bush is having quite a grand time at the annual G8 conference in Japan. He’s not molesting Angela Merkel this time, but he is embarrassing everyone: “The American leader, who has been condemned throughout his presidency for failing to tackle climate change, ended a private meeting with the words: ‘Goodbye from the world’s biggest polluter.’ He then punched the air while grinning widely, as the rest of those present including Gordon Brown and Nicolas Sarkozy looked on in shock.” Punched the air? Best George W. Bush imagery ever. NEED SECRET VIDEO. [Telegraph] Read more on George Bush Jr. Makes Annual ‘National Embarrassment Joke’ At G8…
 

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Pens Glorious Ode To Husband: ‘You Are My Junk’

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, the French First “Babe,” is prepping her new musical album for release, and some newspaper has already gotten a preview! The collection is titled Comme si de rien n’était, or as Native Americans call it, “maize.” It features all sorts of great songs about how she’s slept with 30 people, and how husband Nicolas is like heroin. As in, he’s wonderful! Read more on Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Pens Glorious Ode To Husband: ‘You Are My Junk’…
 

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Went To Tunisia And All She Got Was This Lousy Headscarf

France’s glamorous first lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, went with her husband to Tunisia. She put this thing on her head and then she went into a mosque. Then her husband signed some nuclear-power dealy with the North Africans, and later this week he is expected to give them a hard time about their crappy human rights record. [VOA News, AP Photo] Read more on Carla Bruni-Sarkozy Went To Tunisia And All She Got Was This Lousy Headscarf…
 

Is Carla Bruni Knocked Up Again?

Here is a photo of France’s new First Lady arriving in England with her midget husband. Her outfit speaks diplomatic volumes: flats, so as not to tower over M. Sarkozy; modest tweed, so as to remind Camilla of her youth back in the Depression. (In turn, Camilla wears a trashy befeathered nightmare hat because she is a tart.) But the real question is, why would a rail-thin former model be sporting a little belly pooch? We smell shotgun wedding. [The Sun] Read more on Is Carla Bruni Knocked Up Again?…
 

Old People Without Internet Access Pay $3,000 For Naked Picture Of Carla Bruni

French “first lady” Carla Bruni made her living by being photographed partially or completely naked for 20 years, so nude photographs of the supermodel/singer are extremely rare. There are only 32,800 such images currently available for free on the Internets, which is why lonely old Englishmen are expected to bid up to £2,000 ($1 billion U.S.) for this old picture of Naked Carla Bruni, which also appears in the Telegraph article about the auction. Christie’s will next auction an exclusive image of “LOLcats” for £100 Zillion. [Telegraph] Read more on Old People Without Internet Access Pay $3,000 For Naked Picture Of Carla Bruni…
 

France To Nuke Tribe of British Water-Tories

French president and ladies man Nicolas Sarkozy has bought a new toy, for killing Lobsterbacks. Today he inaugurated “Le Terrible”, which the AP caption describes as “a new generation nuclear-armed submarine.” Rowr! What a perfect complement to his “new generation” wife. [AP Photo] Read more on France To Nuke Tribe of British Water-Tories…
 

French President Insults Some Guy, In French!

Thrice-married French President Nicolas Sarkozy went to the annual farm fair in Paris this weekend and insulted the crap out of some guy who didn’t want to shake his hand. A journalist caught the whole miserable exchange on video, so now the whole world can hear Sarkozy saying something that sounds just wonderful but apparently means “Get lost, dumbass.” Shocking video footage, after the jump! Read more on French President Insults Some Guy, In French!…
 

France’s First Girlfriend: Pregnant, Or Did She Eat One Grape?

Serious political sites everywhere are presenting this political photograph so that readers might help solve this great political mystery: Is French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s girlfriend, model and songwriter Carla Bruni, pregnant from Sarkozy’s center-right sperm? Or did she just have a small bit of food recently? [Huffington Post] Read more on France’s First Girlfriend: Pregnant, Or Did She Eat One Grape?…
 

Barbie Girl, Barbie World

Reliable Source: Our very own Liz Glover charms the pants off most, terrifies Tim Russert with her Barbie camera… also some other things. [WP] Yeas and Nays: Karl Rove makes the astute observation that Americans want to elect a woman or a black man, thinks Obama’s not beefy enough… Mike Gravel tries to sell High School students his painkillers… Virginia wants to make it a felony to steal an animal. [Examiner] Read more on Barbie Girl, Barbie World…
 

Condi ‘n’ Kozy Sitting in a Tree

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Last week started off exciting with an OMG SURPRISE trip to Iraq and a luv connection with Sarkozy. But then along came the Grinch who stole the week before Xmas, John Bolton! Ew! All this and Black Leather Condi Glove Turkeys after the jump! Read more on Condi ‘n’ Kozy Sitting in a Tree…