The CNN.com earned its pay this morning with this bewildered opening salvo about a Sarah Palin rally: “GRAND JUNCTION, Colorado (CNN) — Taking ‘Joe the plumber’ wordplay to an unprecedented new level, Sarah Palin on Monday…” Yes. Sarah Palin escalated her “verbiage” to new vistas of pain by giving a cute nickname to every worker in this godforsaken country, as well as Barack Obama, who has never had a job beyond gang organizing. MORE »

Ooh, the new issue of Time has our friend WALNUTS! on the cover with a new nickname: The Phoenix. I get it, it’s because (a) he had burned and died but somehow still lives and (b) Phoenix is a town in Arizona, which he represents in the Congress! Is it maybe time to retire WALNUTS! for “The Phoenix?” Never. His campaign may rise and fall, but his torture cheeks shall eternally swell for America. [via Jonathan Martin]

Someone emailed us a link to this entry at the official Tancredo blog about Tom’s visit to the Des Moines gun show, presumably so that we could do a funny little post with a goofy picture of him handling firearms and scare our pussy liberal readers. But we got distracted. MORE »

Barack Obama’s past will certainly be an issue in his Presidential campaign. There are already rumors floating around the internet’s series of sewers that he was secretly raised Muslim, that he was damningly angry and radical, and that his middle name is “Hussein.” But most damning of all might be this yearbook photo, in which we learn Obama’s high school nickname. There will never, ever be a President named “Barry.” MORE »

Long time Shirley Ellis fan George Allen likes to give people nicknames, so we thought we’d give him a nickname of his own. Whichever one gets the most votes will be the name we’ll use when referring to Allen at least for the next week or so. We do, however, reserve the right to continue using the “Mysterious Macaca” graphic.

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Texas came this close to ridding themselves of Tom DeLay forever, and now, thanks to some activist GOP-appointed judge, they’ll be stuck with him again. Not only will DeLay’s name remain on the ballot in the 22nd District, but Tom is strongly considering running for reelection again. MORE »

And now, a brief respite from the Massacrette to say hello to our friend the Anonymous Hill Staffer. AHS went a little long answering your questions this week, but he had a good reason: Congress is on Spring Break and he’s bored. He also wanted us to let you know that despite the sarcasm and the funny-ha-ha bits, his answers — especially this week’s batch — are based in cold, hard fact. So deal with it. As usual, your questions will be duly filed, forwarded, and answered.

Presenting, after the jump, seemy Congressional substance abuse, narcissism, and cash money.

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