Wonkette

That’s right, jerkwad, your sword is dirty, and I mean that in a metaphorical sense, too. While your wife has been readying her English language album for release in the States to capitalize on her new marriage, you’ve been gallivanting around the Middle East and I now just feel really sorry for Carla being your beard. Oh, you want to deny? I’ve got the photos, Nick, let’s not pretend.

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You know, what, Nick? Screw you. I’ve tried to be your friend, but you never call back or reply to my emails and you sent lackeys to enforce the restraining order and it’s just not cool. You want to marry her in a secret ceremony and then jet off to Saudi Arabia? Whatevs. She’s getting what she deserves if you’re spending your “honeymoon” apart and she’s been dating you barely a month. I mean, i thought the French practically invented le préservatif, so you think you’d know how to use one. I’m through obsessing now. Have a great life. [Yahoo News]

Nick,

I know we haven’t spoken since your little press conference about Carla. I do hope that she’s not actually in the family way, for your sake, and that your vacation was quite relaxing. But I was really writing to point out that it might be time to stop running from the specter of your failed marriage. Cecilia’s unauthorized bio came out this week, and people now realize what a harridan she was. I mean, she calls you names, she can’t stop shopping (though, really, who among us can?) and she gets her presumably expensive French lace thong in a twist that you might’ve cheated when she was cheating, too. MORE »

Um, seriously, kids, I know you’re French, but you’ve been dating, what, a month? And you’re getting married in another month? This screams bad idea. I mean, are your approval ratings so low that you have to marry your girlfriend to get them back up again? What, again, is the purpose of being the President of France if you can’t play the field a bit after your divorce? Also, I am not asking these things because I am jealous. I’m not even a little bit jealous (though, if you had said you date blondes but marry brunettes, I could have done something about that). [Yahoo News]

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Listicles, of course, are the year-end gift writers give themselves. But you know what? It’s been such a peculiar year for the Condibot that it would be totally criminal not to look back and reflect on its thrilling awkwardness. Join me on an epic journey through my personal (hey, get your own column!) favorite special moments in Dr. Ferragamo’s 2007, and my picks for AP’s Condirazzi photos of the year, after the jump…

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Hey, Carla, I know we’ve never really talked. I don’t want you to think I’m one of those exes who is all jealous of the new woman, and you’re at least the second one since Nick and I called it quits. But, seriously, honey, all the Egyptian vacations in the world might not be able to make this particular guy be faithful right now. I mean, he seems like he’s lining them up pretty far in advance, if the following picture is any guide.

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Look, babe, I know it’s hard to go through a divorce and then watch a catch like me move on with her life without you. We’ve talked about it before, and I’ve tried to be cool. But, seriously, you need to stop acting like a horny 15 year-old. First it’s private dinners with that TV lady, then it’s that horrid flirtation with that greasy Libyan, and now you’re cavorting around Euro Disney with Carla Bruni? With your kids in tow (a total no-no for the divorced dad if you’re not serious)? And then, this morning, you’re all touching Condi in a way that obviously makes her uncomfortable? Nick, honey, you’re the head of state of France. Take a deep breath, and stop trying to fuck everything that moves. It’s getting a little embarrassing being associated with you. [Yahoo News]

Look, Nick, I know that after the end of a deep relationship like ours the temptation is to slum it a little to get it out of your system. I totally get it. But, hon, is it really a good idea to spend the night with someone you’re so embarrassed to be seen with the next morning? I’m sure it sounded kind of hot/dirty when he suggested setting up his own tent on the lawn of the Élysée Palace, but when your own friends started to bail on the event because Muammar el-Qaddafi is such a skeezy guy, you might have thought about reconsidering. I mean, those nurses were from Belgium, after all. In any case, dear, if you want to talk about it or whatever to just get it out of our system, I’m still happy to be your friend if it prevents you from further mistakes like this, ok? [NY Times]

Nicholas, how do you expect me to walk away when you insist on thrusting yourself into my consciousness with every opportunity? It is unfair, my love, for you to take up with that French hussy and yet strive to keep me on a string. If you don’t want me, please let me go and find someone new! Those pictures of you being all compassionate and stuff were truly too much for me, and people have begun to talk. [NY Times]

My Darling Nicholas,
My friends told me I was foolish to allow this to happen between us when you were on the rebound, but I stubbornly refused to listen. I thought that with the expediency with which you obtained your divorce that you were serious about making our relationship work despite our many differences and those pesky security goons constantly dragging me away. I see now that I was quite terribly mistaken.

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