Tag Archives: nfl

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Emboldened by last week’s victory for the rights of gun-humpers to be able to ALSO be able to hump bullets, Field Marshall Sarah Palin presses forward. She has offered the Kenyan tyrant Obama clear and simple terms: abolish the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (ATF), and we will spare you our screeching. And, instead of listening to her, the Kenyan tyrant sits alone in his empty palace, a place that collaborators and the weak-willed still call the White House, and he does NOTHING. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Will Murder The ATF And Its Jackbooted Thugs…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Hires A Girl, Ruins Football

Nothing is sacred anymore
Here’s a tragedy for sportsball fans everywhere: The NFL officially hired Sarah Thomas as a line judge Wednesday, making her the league’s first full-time female official. […] Thomas had been working as a college football referee for eight years in Conference USA. She became the first woman to officiate a major college football game when she worked a contest between Memphis and Jacksonville State in 2007. We can hear wingnuts whining already that 10 years ago we had hope, jobs, and cash. Now we have no hope, jobs, or cash, and skirts are refereeing the NFL, which is supposed to be a manly game, for men, by men, sometimes men who beat their wives. It’s the feminizing of everything, waaaaaah. Read more on NFL Hires A Girl, Ruins Football…
  insert your own ball joke

Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls

We were doing our goddamned level best not to care about or pay attention to the sportsball controversy some moron decided to call Deflategate, because everything needs a fucking “-gate” suffix, because every-fucking-thing is just like Richard Nixon ratfucking the country. Whenever the conversation at our happy hour/cocktail party/coke-fueled orgy turned to the subject of whether Tom Brady had deflated his footballs to give his football team some sort of advantage or another over the opposing football team, our response was always the same: Read more on Tucker Carlson’s Internet Home For Fascists Who Can’t Read Good Blames Liberals For Tom Brady’s Deflated Balls…
  Sports! Sports Sports Sports!

Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!

Sad Brazil fan is sad.
Sports! Oh man, sports, aren’t they great? Shut up, they are too. Here now is your 2014 Wonkette Sportsball Year In Review, because why not? Off-field Hits Plague NFL Sorry to break this to you, Wonketeers, but the NFL remains the most popular form of sportsball in America. It seems we cannot get enough of the big men slamming into each other, and with all of the downtime between plays, who can blame us? This year, however, public perception of the NFL took a serious turn for the worse. The AP named the NFL’s domestic abuse scandals the sports story of the year, and the league’s ham-fisted response to the scandals will be studied by dead-eyed PR majors for generations to come. Read more on Sportsball Year In Review: It Was Mostly Awful!…
  department of manliness

Lady Wingnut Has Had It Up To Here With You Being So Mean To Foot-The-Ball

Charlotte Allen's worst nightmare
Here in the Wonkette Los Angeles bureau, we have been enjoying – or rather, “enjoying” – the recent addition to our local paper of the ravings of Charlotte Allen, one of those wingnut writers who constantly complains that women are destroying masculinity in America by making men emotional and dumb … you know, like women. And the latest attempt at feminizing our manly culture, the disparagement of professional football, has really chafed Allen’s nads. Let’s take a look at her caveman gruntings about it. Read more on Lady Wingnut Has Had It Up To Here With You Being So Mean To Foot-The-Ball…
  Here have some news n stuff

NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)

Too bad there's no video
The NFL is still trying to convince us that The Big Manly Powers That Be never would have defended Baltimore Ravens sportsball star Ray Rice after he knocked his woman OUT COLD in an elevator, if only they could have seen the video of him doing that. Not the abridged video that shows him dragging her unconscious body out of the elevator after the fact; that was inconclusive, and besides, everyone said they were sorry, so what more could anyone want? Read more on NFL Tried So Hard To Get That Video Of Ray Rice Beating His Lady, No Really (Not Really)…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Perplexed By This Muslim Sportsball Man And His Exotic Ways (Video)

Actual penalty; Holding... the wrong religious beliefs
Stephen Colbert is just as puzzled as we were about the curious case of the Kansas City player who was penalized for Muslim Tebowing — especially after the NFL decided, no, that wasn’t a penalty after all. It’s not so much the religious freedom question that has Colbert perplexed as a more fundamental matter: Why are Islamazoids like Husain Abdullah even playing in the NFL “if they’re not allowed to touch pig skin? What’s gonna happen? We’re gonna have to switch to Halal balls.” Read more on Stephen Colbert Perplexed By This Muslim Sportsball Man And His Exotic Ways (Video)…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ladies Flying Planes And Other Tales Of Terror

The Wonkette Overnight Desk has been hard at work aggregating content for your pleasure.
Yesterday on Fox’s The Five, Kimberly Guilfoyle gave a shout-out to Major Mariam Al Mansouri, the first female fighter pilot in the United Arab Emirates. Mansouri led her country’s contingent of military pilots that participated in bombing ISIS in Syria earlier this week. Yr Wonkette is not going to cheer on anyone for dropping yet more bombs on more brown people, even if they are fanatical nutbars. Still, we suppose in the context of Middle Eastern countries, where women are sometimes not allowed to so much as drive or even leave the house unless accompanied by a male, this represents a twisted step in the direction of equality. So sure, Kimberly Guilfoyle, go ahead and girl-power away, and let’s hope that none of your troglodytic male co-hosts step on the moment by saying something sexist. Read more on Ladies Flying Planes And Other Tales Of Terror…
  Travails With Charlie

Hey Little Missy, There’s Nothing Wrong With Mass. Republican’s Outreach To The Gals

It just might work this time
Charlie Baker is already in a pretty difficult race, what with being a Republican trying to become governor of Massachusetts. But popular Gov. Deval Patrick isn’t running this year, and the Democratic candidate is A.G. Martha “Campaign? Why?” Coakley, who didn’t exactly ignite passions in her 2010 bid for the Senate. Charlie Baker really would like to do well with women, who are a rather important demographic; problem is, Coakley holds a 20-point lead among the fairer sex. So last week, at a “Women for Charlie” event, when Baker was asked if NFL commissioner Roger Goodell should be fired for his bungling of the league’s multiple domestic abuse scandals, he bobbled the answer: Read more on Hey Little Missy, There’s Nothing Wrong With Mass. Republican’s Outreach To The Gals…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Takes A Belt To Sean Hannity’s Love Of Child Beating (Video)

One of these men seems well adjusted
Stephen Colbert thinks the NFL is a pretty cool organization. “It’s America’s top forum for discussing issues of domestic violence. And I understand the employees also get together and play football on the weekends.” This, of course, brings us once again to the story of Adrian Peterson and his kinetic discipline methods, which left his four-year-old son with injuries all over his back and legs, and left Colbert “nostalgic for the days when [NFL] players were accidentally shooting themselves through their sweatpants.” But Colbert’s main focus Thursday was “Fox News’ Senior Nerf football chucker Sean Hannity” and his perfectly well-adjusted display of thwacking his belt on his desk to demonstrate how his father whipped him. “And I’ve never been to a shrink.” Read more on Stephen Colbert Takes A Belt To Sean Hannity’s Love Of Child Beating (Video)…
  Trust Me: I Suck!

NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You

At least he's sorry
NFL President Roger Goodell held a press conference today in which he apologized for being a completely worthless crapbird in his handling of the league’s multiple problems with players who have committed domestic violence and child abuse. He insisted that he holds himself to the highest possible standards, which is why he also is sure he can keep his promise to do better and not let players’ off-field brutality fall between the cracks anymore. Read more on NFL’s Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You…
  Daddy You Bastard I'm Through

Sean Hannity Acts Out S/M Fantasies On Live Television

strop that misbehavior
Sean Hannity has some intriguing ideas about the world, but we’re pretty sure we don’t wish to subscribe to his newsletter. If it’s possible for him to go even more off the rails, this was the week that it happened. Read more on Sean Hannity Acts Out S/M Fantasies On Live Television…
  Oh no. Not again

Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review

Not even going to add a pony in there, goddammit.
Would someone in Washington — preferably a senator, but a high-ranking House member would be OK — PLEASE get caught doing consensual sexxytime with someone who isn’t their spouse, preferably in the middle of K Street? We have had just about as much of these goddamned NFL domestic violencing assholes as we can take, and it’s starting to make us long for the everyday political venality and dickery that we love so much. So by now you have undoubtedly heard about the latest sportsball horrorshow: Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer has been arrested on multiple charges in a domestic violence case (autoplay video at link). Just about the only thing “good” we can say about this latest case is that the Cardinals learned something from the three other teams that took forever to figure out that their abusive players need to be benched: Dwyer was placed on indefinite suspension after the arrest. Read more on Jesus We Are Sick Of Football: Your Daily Review…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Beats The Crap Out Of The NFL, Risks Two-Game Suspension (Video)

Exculpatory is such a great word
Jon Stewart went after the NFL’s spate of domestic abuse scandals Wednesday, reviewing the league’s initially lax treatment of Ray Rice and Greg Hardy, followed by indefinite suspensions — but only after public outrage at the mild penalties. “It’s the kind of firm decision making we’ve come to expect. From people who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.” But don’t worry, the NFL hired a panel of four women to advise them on domestic violence policy. “So we’re done here.” Stewart noted that a business has to be in pretty bad shape “when you have to appoint your own in-house Special Victims Unit.” Read more on Jon Stewart Beats The Crap Out Of The NFL, Risks Two-Game Suspension (Video)…
  Blowback? What Blowback?

Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process

Yes, asshole, it was something you did
By Mike Morbeck [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia CommonsIt’s sarcasm-funny how only two days ago, the Minnesota Vikings announced that while “we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child,” there was no reason running back Adrian Peterson shouldn’t be allowed to kick the sportsball on the field while after being indicted for beating the ever-lovin’ crap out of his four-year-old son with a tree branch, leaving bloody welts all over his FOUR-YEAR-OLD body. (Or as certain internet scumbags and sportsball stars and “comedians” called it, good old-fashioned parenting like how they were raised and they turned out just fine so what’s the big deal?) The Vikings agreed that beating kids is bad, sure, but on the other hand, “due process and we should allow the legal system to proceed.” Read more on Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process…
  The Beatings Will Continue

Vital Sportsball Update: Admitted Baby-Beater Adrian Peterson Can Play Next Week Because ‘Due Process’

Just remember not to spike the poor thing in the end zone
Image by tiny hands creation We have important breaking news, America! Monday just got a little bit worse! The Minnesota Vikings Foot-the-ball organisation announced this morning that it will re-activate Adrian Peterson, the running back who was deactivated (but still drew a paycheck) for Sunday’s f’ball game because he was indicted on child abuse charges. This was not an easy decision, because on the one hand, child abuse is A Very Serious Issue, but on the other hand, what about all that money Adrian Peterson’s due process rights? Among other attempts to seem like they give two shits, the Vikings’ statement explains: Read more on Vital Sportsball Update: Admitted Baby-Beater Adrian Peterson Can Play Next Week Because ‘Due Process’…
  But Still More ISIS Than You Want

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Kinetic Action, Dead Saints, And Less ISIS Than You Might Think

In this alternate universe, the Sunday NYT has a comics section
Good morning, ye Wonkers! Today’s top story is that Yr Doktor Zoom is once again breathing through both nostrils. You may have thought that ISIS or Syria or sportsball scandals or something was big, but that is merely because you Lack Perspective. Sadly, your Sunday New York Times has completely ignored the press release we sent them, so we will just knuckle under and let them dictate what counts as “news” — this stubborn insistence on top-down story selection, by the way, is why their medium is dying. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Kinetic Action, Dead Saints, And Less ISIS Than You Might Think…
  We Never Should Have Hired Rosemary Woods To Handle Videotapes

NFL Totally Saw That Tape It Didn’t See Of Ray Rice Knocking Out His Lady In An Elevator

Uh, which video again? Could you be more specific?
Surprising absolutely no one, except of course the Dudes In Charge at the NFL, it seems, contrary to very badly timed claims by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell that nope, no one had seen the incriminating video of sportsball star Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancée in an elevator, it is in fact the opposite of that: Read more on NFL Totally Saw That Tape It Didn’t See Of Ray Rice Knocking Out His Lady In An Elevator…
  Forgive And Forget. Or Just Forget

Roger Goodell Goes Almost Whole Day Before Preparing To Welcome Ray Rice Back

Hypocrisy: Wonket advocates cartoon pony violence!
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell took strong action against Baltimore Ravens f’ball player Ray Rice on Monday, suspending him indefinitely after a videotape showed that punching a woman into unconsciousness is actually violent. Everyone was very glad to see Goodell finally “got it,” even it was a little goddamn late. Goodell followed up that impressive performance Tuesday by leaving open the possibility that Rice could be reinstated. BUT — and this is really important — Rice would have to prove that he’d learned his lesson and was very very sorry: Read more on Roger Goodell Goes Almost Whole Day Before Preparing To Welcome Ray Rice Back…
  Do The Rice Thing

Fox & Friends Really Hurt You Thought They Were Joking About Wifebeating When They Joked About Wifebeating

Screenshot from Fox News employee training video
Women, huh? You can’t live with ‘em, you can’t punch ‘em unconscious in an elevator, know what I mean, fellas? And now it seems that a lot of sniveling liberals just can’t take a joke, as seen in the internet’s complete overreaction to some innocent banter on Fox & Friends yesterday, when Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade shared a harmless chuckle over the video of Ray Rice coldcocking Janay Palmer. Read more on Fox & Friends Really Hurt You Thought They Were Joking About Wifebeating When They Joked About Wifebeating…