Tag Archives: newtown

  Here's a fucked up thing

NRA Dude Identifies Real Charleston Shooter. Surprise, It Was The Black Pastor!

RIP
We have only begun to graze the tip of the iceberg when it comes to obscene, disgusting wingnut reactions to the Charleston mass murder that ended the lives of 9 black churchgoers, aged from 26 to 87, on Wednesday night. So we guess it’s time for NRA people to start saying words, and surprise, they are not good words. Charles Cotton is a member of the NRA’s board, and he knows who killed those people. No, not Dylann Storm Roof, the alleged gunman who has since confessed, silly! It was Rev. Clementa Pinckney, state senator and pastor at Emanuel AME Church, according to Cotton. How did Pinckney manage that? By voting against a bill that would have allowed people to carry concealed guns in church, of course! Read more on NRA Dude Identifies Real Charleston Shooter. Surprise, It Was The Black Pastor!…
  26 days of idiocy

Hero School Board Member Martyred Over Plan To Lovingly Remember Sandy Hook Victims With Ammo Giveaway

Last month, lots of people worked through their continuing grief over Sandy Hook in their own ways. There were moments of silence and flags flown at half-mast. Some people, like Gregory Beck, a member of the Brookfield school board, which is about 15 minutes from Newtown, decided that the best way for him to remember the Sandy Hook victims was to engage in “26 Acts of Kindness” by which he meant that he would buy ammo for all his gun-fiend friends for 26 days. Read more on Hero School Board Member Martyred Over Plan To Lovingly Remember Sandy Hook Victims With Ammo Giveaway…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Have A Banner Week (Updated)

We’re back in the Wonkette Bunker O’Love, the underground safe room on our Idaho compound that we reserve for stories about guns and the wonderful people who fondle them. And as usual, we have some inspiring tales of proud Americans protecting their lives and property from threats foreign and domestic — mostly domestic, as all three of our top stories involve responsible gun owners shooting family members and neighbors, which is just the price we have to pay for Liberty. That pic up top, incidentally, is from a charming Buzzfeed collection of people who got guns for Christmas and shared photos of their prizes on social media. We don’t really begrudge Dad his rifle up there — looks like an actual hunter, at least. But there are also a whole passel of teen boys who got AR-15s for Christmas — as we know, they’re traditionally the most stable, responsible part of the population, famous for their excellent decision-making. They should definitely be armed. Say, wasn’t there a song about a girl who got a rifle for Christmas? Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Have A Banner Week (Updated)…
  and on the 8th day god said let there be derp

Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!

Hey, remember that fat white guy who lost weight and now wants to put the ‘white’ back in White House? No, not the one what closes bridges because of petty political bickering — the other GOP white guy, the one who rocks out on gee-tar. Yeah, Mike Huckabee. He is back in the news because the news hates us and wants us to be unhappy today and forever. Continuing today’s trend of plagiarizing, the Huffington Post reports that Huckabee will soon be launching… wait for it… The Huckabee Post! Where, oh where, did he come with such a creative and original name? Let’s sadsplore what kind of awfulness we can expect from the Huckster.  Read more on Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!…
  land of a thousand dunces

Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain

NRA board member and bozo birthday boy Ted Nugent, who is still neither dead nor in jail, marked the one-year anniversary of the Newtown Massacre with a WND column blaming the shootings on “political correctness” and warning that unless we arm teachers, eliminate gun-free zones, and do something about mentally ill people — as individuals, of course, not through government — then the 26 dead at Sandy Hook Elementary will have “died for nothing.” Silly us, we thought the reason that we needed to do something about idiots with guns was that the victims of Sandy Hook already did die for nothing. They died because it’s ridiculously easy for idiots with Rambo fantasies to get their hands on killing machines with high-capacity magazines, and even if some kind of meaningful reform of gun laws were to come about (a pipe dream, we know), that would not retroactively make the deaths of 20 children and 6 staff mean anything. There’s no redeeming those murders, no happy symbolic transformation that can give a Ted Nugent a moral justification for shitting on those graves. Read more on Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain…
  do you fear what i fear?

The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)

So here’s some high-octane Nightmare Fuel — you may want to remove any kids from the room before viewing — from something calling itself “St. Mary’s At Large.” The ad’s producers claim it has been airing on MSNBC and Fox News in the New York/New Jersey region. In it, a vaguely Burl-Ives-ish voice intones, “This is Amy. She lives in America. She’s free to smile to show she’s happy. Everyone’s OK with this. Amy is a Christian. She’s also free to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ to show she’s happy. But not everyone is OK with this. We are one nation under God. No man owns Amy’s happiness, and no man will define how she shows it” And then “Amy” screams (it could be dubbed in), and giggles, as an ornament behind her falls and shatters. Oh, and as we learn that “Amy” is a Christian and not everyone is OK with that, “Amy” turns her head and we see that her face has a couple of cuts on it — or maybe that’s jam.  This is the most thoroughly WTF ad we’ve seen since a strange Minnesota man stepped out of a lake holding a coffee cup. But at least that one didn’t end with a sudden piercing scream. Why are the atheists beating Amy for being a Christian? Will this ad truly “end the war on Christmas” as the producer hopes? Will someone please wash the jam/makeup off Amy’s face? Read more on The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Today In Gun Fun Times: Eat Hot Lead With That Pumpkin Scone, And Other Dumb Gun News

Hello again, backbiting tone-policing finks of Wonkette! It has been a while since we looked in on the responsible gun owners of America and all the ways the more vociferous of them can be giant dicks about their right to stockpile weapons and ammo like they’re goddamn Mack Bolan or something, always ready to leap into a commando mission against KGB paramilitary units at a moment’s notice, because wingnuts live on whatever mescaline-rich planet Jim DeMint currently inhabits. Anyway, let’s look at some news. Chris Christie, still smarting from the beating he took from the GOP base last year after he gave the president a tug job in exchange for Obama leaving some Hurricane Sandy aid money on the dresser, decided to get on the wingnuts’ good side by rejecting three gun-control bills the New Jersey legislature had sent to his desk. The first one, which Governor Meatballs fully rejected, was a ban on the future sale of .50 caliber rifles (anyone who already owns one would have to register it within a year). Christie called these guns necessary for “recreational pastimes.” Which is true, if your recreational pastimes include shooting down helicopters or hunting the herds of wild elephants known to roam the Pine Barrens. Never mind that Christie himself called for the ban back in April. Things have changed since then, namely that time has continued moving forward and the 2016 presidential primaries are a little closer. Read more on Today In Gun Fun Times: Eat Hot Lead With That Pumpkin Scone, And Other Dumb Gun News…
  battle of who could care less

Piers Morgan Responds To London Terror Killing By Uninviting Dana Loesch From His Birthday Party

In a concrete demonstration of what happens when insufferable jerkbag meets irredeemable boor, Dana Loesch and Piers Morgan had themselves a big ol’ Twitter fight Wednesday, the occasion being Loesch’s tweet in response to the decapitation of a British soldier by a pair of terrorists. Dana made a funny joke about why gun control is useless, because really, everything is gun control with these guys (when it’s not abortion or Benghazi, of course): “Was the guy with the machete a member of the NRA? Asking for a friend.” We totally get her point, because in U.S. Amercia, the radical Muslim terrorist would have been able to use an AR-15 and really do some damage, instead of just having to attack with a machete and a meat cleaver. That was your point, right Dana? In any case, it’s good to know that in the face of an ‘orrible murder, these asshats managed to make it All About Them. Read more on Piers Morgan Responds To London Terror Killing By Uninviting Dana Loesch From His Birthday Party…
  bob davis is the real newtown victim

Minnesota Radio Host Has Best-Ever Apology For Telling Newtown Parents To ‘Go To Hell’

This week, Minnesota radio host Bob Davis, of Davis & Emmer, delivered a master class in victimology: the parents whose children were murdered in Newtown were victimizing Bob Davis by … well, we are not sure. Asking for universal background checks maybe, which of course used to be the sensible position shared by the NRA itself, and is still shared by almost 90 percent of its members. But he went on quite a tear, did young Bob. Like this! [DAVIS] And here’s the other thing that drives me crazy. They trot out the victims. And I have something I want to say to the victims of Newtown, or any other shooting. I don’t care if it’s here in Minneapolis or anyplace else. Just because a bad thing happened to you doesn’t mean that you get to put a king in charge of my life. I’m sorry that you suffered a tragedy, but you know what? Deal with it, and don’t force me to lose my liberty, which is a greater tragedy than your loss. I’m sick and tired of seeing these victims trotted out, given rides on Air Force One, hauled into the Senate well, and everyone is just afraid — they’re terrified of these victims. Then he told them to go to hell — which of course is hilarious, because they are already there. After the jump, let us hear his exquisite nonpology! Read more on Minnesota Radio Host Has Best-Ever Apology For Telling Newtown Parents To ‘Go To Hell’…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

In Which We Are Irrationally Hopeful That Not Everyone Is a Total Idiot About Gun Control

With the way so many of our politicians cower in terror every time they spot Wayne LaPierre rushing in their direction, his crazy eyes rolling in their sockets like the googly-eyed panda magnet on our refrigerator, we have thought we might break out the Dance of Joy if just one politician would tell him to go fuck himself. Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy did just that on Sunday’s edition of State of the Union, telling Candy Crowley that LaPierre “reminds me of the clowns at the circus,” adding “this guy is so out of whack, it’s unbelievable.” Malloy just this week signed into law some tough new gun restrictions in his state, including banning over 100 types of assault weapons, restricting ammunition clips to ten rounds, requiring background checks on all gun purchases, eligibility rules for buying bullets, and a dangerous weapon offenders registry. Yay Connecticut! Read more on In Which We Are Irrationally Hopeful That Not Everyone Is a Total Idiot About Gun Control…
  goonies never say die

Steven Seagal, American Hero, Trains Armed Vigilante Posse In Arizona

We can all learn from Steven Seagal, American hero, who just keeps giving and giving and giving and then when you think he can’t give any more, BOOM, there he is, magnanimously creating jobs for female Russian masseuses, and then POW, don’t look now, but there goes Steven Seagal, shooting at (illegal) Mexicans in Texas, and then BAM, there he is again, training an armed vigilante posse in Arizona! Steven Seagal: gift that keeps on giving. Seagal, a burly martial arts expert turned actor, guided 48 volunteers through various aspects of responding to a shooting, including room-to-room searches, and critiqued their work. “I am here to try to teach the posse firearms and martial arts to try to help them learn how to respond quicker and help protect our children,” Seagal said. Read more on Steven Seagal, American Hero, Trains Armed Vigilante Posse In Arizona…
  all apologies

Lutheran Pastor Sorry For His Terrible Sin: Praying With Other Religions At Sandy Hook Vigil

It is a good thing God sent his only begotten son to us to wash away our sins, because a Connecticut pastor had a doozy of one. (Please remove all children and pregnant women from the room, before you read the shocking thing you are about to read, with your eyeballs, which very well might fall out of your head and roll under the table.) We regret that we have to be the ones to inform you of this, but he prayed with ministers of other faiths at the vigil for the children and teachers murdered in Newtown. FUCK. YOU DIDN’T GET ALL THE PREGNANT WOMEN OUT OF THE ROOM! Now there’s gonna be all kinds of two-headed babies up in here, just because you never listen to us. But wait, you are thinking, this guy is Lutheran, not Westboro Baptist! Ecumenicism has been a thing for like decades! Surely this guy is not in trouble for praying with people of other faiths during a nationwide tragedy? That is because you are an idiot, because the guy was definitely in trouble, and he had to apologize. Luckily, he did. Because apologizing for treating people of other faiths as equally entitled to their faiths, and praying with them for the good of the community and the nation, was the right thing to do, and not at all spineless and craven. Read more on Lutheran Pastor Sorry For His Terrible Sin: Praying With Other Religions At Sandy Hook Vigil…
  blah blah tragedy blah

Would The Parents Of Newtown Shooting Victims Just Shut Up Already

You know what’s annoying? People who stand up for things. People who think something should be a certain way, and when their state’s lawmaking body holds a public hearing, they show up and try to explain what they want, like idiots. The Connecticut General Assembly put together one such gathering of Believers In Things yesterday, on the topic of gun control. You would not believe it, but one of the people who had an opinion about gun control was the parent of a child killed at Newtown. THE NERVE. There was only one course of action, obviously: Heckle him. Read more on Would The Parents Of Newtown Shooting Victims Just Shut Up Already…
  Godwin Shrugged

Fox News Is Losing the War On Analogies

Sean Hannity took to the Cablewaves to complain about the shocking, cruel, unkind analogy that Bob Schieffer used last week, where he outrageously compared one thing with other things, which is something that we as Americans should just not do. On a Jan. 16 CBS News special report on Newtown and guns, Schieffer discussed how hard it might be to enact meaningful changes in our gun laws, but noted that presidents have overcome difficult obstacles in the past: “Surely finding Osama Bin Laden, surely passing civil rights legislation, as Lyndon Johnson was able to do, and before that, surely defeating the Nazis was a much more formidable task than taking on the gun lobby.” Obviously, the only correct way to interpret these words is that Bob Schieffer thinks that gun owners and the NRA are radical muslim segregationist Nazis, because that’s exactly what he said. Schieffer’s over-the top statement was very alarming to Fox News, where Sean Hannity followed the Schieffer comment with a clip of Rush Limbaugh asking “Is there room for that in our discourse today?” Enjoy this lovely Talking Points Memo video which shows Fox News talking heads having very serious concerns about the state of our public discourse, where apparently some people mention Nazis now and again. Do we see conservatives invoking George Orwell? We do. Every time a conservative does that on TV they should be required to give $10 to the George Orwell Memorial Trust. Read more on Fox News Is Losing the War On Analogies…
  see you next tuesday

Connecticut Rep. To Gabby Giffords: Newtown Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us

(Above: Former Congresswoman Gabby Giffords Politicizes the Pledge Of Allegiance) Connecticut state representative (and Assistant Republican Leader) DebraLee Hovey simply did not care for former Congresswoman/current private citizen Gabby Giffords swanning into HER towns (plural) to be all POLITICAL by meeting privately and sans press with the grieving families of Newtown as though she had some sort of unique perspective and/or ability to understand what the families were going through when everybody knows the truth is that Giffords is Pol Pot plus Obama times 9! Why, Hovey did not care for it so much that she took time out from her busy Palm Beach “St. Pete Beach” vacation to put it on her Myface page! Read more on Connecticut Rep. To Gabby Giffords: Newtown Ain’t Big Enough For The Both Of Us…
  clinging to guns and the NRO

Michelle Malkin’s Lessons From Newtown: Teach Your Kids Not to Fear Death

Oh are we still doing this? Writing stupid garbage so we can figure out Why It Happened and What We Can Do (Besides Restricting Guns) T0 Make Sure It Never Happens Again? Yes, we are still doing this, or at least, Michelle Malkin is and she has some really new ideas, none of which have to do with banning assault weapons, which is good for our Freedom and a relief. Her ideas include: not letting your kids play video games, and teaching them not to fear death. No, really, these are her ideas on how to make sure no one shoots your kid: don’t let them play video games, and also, teach them not to fear death. Read more on Michelle Malkin’s Lessons From Newtown: Teach Your Kids Not to Fear Death…
  god hates democrats

Bikers Save Newtown Funerals From Left-Wing Cult ‘God Hates Fags’

Everybody go hug a biker today! Not only did they show up in Newtown to physically block the view of Newtown mourners from the God Hates Fags funeral parade, but they also apparently blocked the sight of “left-wing” protesters … “left-wing protesters” like God Hates Fags! Wait, what? Take it away, Internet’s Second Stupidest Man, the Gateway Pundit, in your tour de force “Conservative Bikers Turn Out to Protect Newtown Mourners from Left-Wing Westboro Cult”: Read more on Bikers Save Newtown Funerals From Left-Wing Cult ‘God Hates Fags’…
  Bitch Please

Not On My Show Says Joe on Morning Joe Morning Show

Joe Scarborough can’t stop talking about guns, and now he’s gone and shouted at poor Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-Kansas) in an “explosion” (although if this is Joe Scarborough “exploding,” Yr. Wonkette concludes he must be a pretty chill bro) about assault weapons and children’s safety and DO YOU DARE COME ON MY SHOW blah blah blah because “politics.” Read more on Not On My Show Says Joe on Morning Joe Morning Show…
  if anything it just makes too much sense

National Review: Give Your Kids Boundaries, Like ‘No, You May Not Shoot Up A School’

Oh, everybody was sooooo outraged when Megan McArdle took to the pixels of the Daily Beast to suggest that since only banning all guns would be effective in stopping gun violence, and we can’t ban all guns, we should train our children to “gang-rush” men who are shooting at them with semi-automatic weapons, “Let’s roll!”-styley. Everyone screamed and moaned about how Megan McArdle is the worst, stupidest person in the whole darn land, and no one could ever be stupider. But surely you knew National Review Online — and specifically Charlotte Allen — had yet to weigh in? Read more on National Review: Give Your Kids Boundaries, Like ‘No, You May Not Shoot Up A School’…
  Our National Priorities At This Time

New Victims Of Newtown Identified: NFL Fans Whose Games Were Pre-Empted By Villain President

[Updated at 6:50 PM] At a prayer vigil for the victims of the massacre in Newtown, Connecticut, President Barack Obama, citing Paul’s Letter to the Corinthians, urged a grieving nation, “Do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly, we are being renewed day by day. “For light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all, so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” Unfortunately, for some idiot NFL fans, what was unseen was a bunch of large men trying to give each other head injuries, and what was seen was a black man interrupting their sacred blood sport. Happily, they had the chance to share these thoughts on Twitter, and some 41 of their heartfelt cries of butthurt were collected by the sportsgawking blog Deadspin. Read more on New Victims Of Newtown Identified: NFL Fans Whose Games Were Pre-Empted By Villain President…
  ps go fuck yourself

Internet Welcomes New Stupidest Man

Sorry, “Gateway Pundit” Jim Hoft, you have lost your crown and all your glory. All you need to read in this most brilliant piece from new Stupidest Man on the Internet “ProteinWisdom” (Jeff Goldstein) is the headline: Read more on Internet Welcomes New Stupidest Man…
  horrible people behaving horribly

A Children’s Treasury Of Sweet And Loving Missives From Your Friendly Neighborhood NRA

You know what? We’ve been trying to write this thing for hours and failing, because there’s no good snark and we are supposed to bring you snark.  But there are 27 dead people in Connecticut, and 20 of them are children. Little kids, too – like kindergartners, like third graders, like fifth graders. Most of you are probably sitting numb at your computer like we’ve been all day, alternating between reading the news obsessively and deciding you can’t read it at all. What you are probably NOT doing is tweeting about how awesome guns are, how many guns you have, and how if we’d just armed teachers and kindergartners, none of this would happen. But hey! NRA types got that covered for you: Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Sweet And Loving Missives From Your Friendly Neighborhood NRA…