Tag Archives: newt gingrich

  Washed in the Blood

Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)

Sometimes, we here at Yr Wonkette poke fun at Christianist America, just for funsies. Any nutjob can believe whatever wackadoodle things floats their boat, and Yr Wonkette would never call for the deaths of Christians. Especially if one of their own is going to do it for us. Ed Brayton is on it like a ravenous jungle beast: David Lane, who is running Rand Paul’s outreach to evangelical voters for his potential presidential run, has a completely unhinged column at the Worldnutdaily calling on Christians to become martyrs in order to stop same-sex marriage — how, exactly? because it will destroy America. The entire article is no longer available because — no lie — it was actually TOO NUTTY for WND. Srsly — here is the link. They took it down. No explanation, but the only thing one can imagine is that David Lane managed to expel such nausea-inducing crazy-talk that was too awful for the Internet’s renowned home for all things awful. And maybe WND thought a call for “martyrdom” might somehow be taken as an invitation for nutbags to strap on explosive vests? Happily, Yr Wonkette and everyone else can read snippets preserved at Dispatches From The Culture Wars and The Immoral Minority, who quoted large sections before it was all gone, like tears in rain, or farts in the wind. Let’s explore! Read more on Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)…
  Hint he wants to call it the "Newt"

Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For ‘Cell Phones’

Newt Gingrich is really puzzled, you guys! Seems the smartest, most-forward thinking politician of our time (and former actor – note that that is his actual size) has a giant confuzzle about what exactly to call these newfangled high-powered phone things that are so much more than a phone. Just look at them! It is not just that you can make calls with these phones. You can also take pictures, shoot videos, check email, watch bukkake porn, play video games, update your Twitter and Facebook statuses, find anonymous sex partners within a hundred feet of your current location, do your taxes, watch bukkake porn, calculate a restaurant tip, locate the nearest methadone clinic, start up your car remotely like Knight Rider, pilot a drone to blow up a Pakistani wedding, watch bukkake porn, and did we mention the bukkake porn? The 21st century – it’s just like they always said it would be at those world fairs! Poor Newt does not understand, then, why we continue to call these magic machines “phones.” Isn’t there some other term that captures the sizzle, the razzle, the dazzle, the sizzle and jizzle of these devices that Newt thought would never exist until at least Buck Rogers’ time? He puts it to the public to come up with a fantastic name for the fantastic more-than-a-phone, because a great thinker and leader like Newt Gingrich cannot be bothered to think about anything going on in the country right now that might be a little more pressing. Read more on Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For ‘Cell Phones’…
  nevar forget

Contest! Caption This Sextorter GOP Creep In An Elephant Costume, With The Gingriches!

This morning, we brought you news of Paul Ryan/Newt Gingrich/Mitt Romney threeway victim and utter creepazoid Adam Savader, and how we (ahem) he was (ALLEGEDLY) sextorting all the pretty girls by hacking their nakey selfies and then threatening to release the pictures of their “tits” and “pussies” to their parents, the RNC, their internships, and the world. Indeed, he seems the perfect picture of a fine young man. Well but! He is also the kind of team player who VOLUNTEERED to act out his furry cosplay fantasies wear the Ellie the Elephant costume at Newt Gingriche’s zoophilia festivals. And here, thanks to CNN, he maybe is! Caption away. Read more on Contest! Caption This Sextorter GOP Creep In An Elephant Costume, With The Gingriches!…
 

CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them

CNN, the fallen child prodigy of television journalism, has spent the majority of its time after the Clinton Impeachment periodically re-branding in an increasingly pathetic attempt to stave off the inevitable decline into irrelevance. The most recent iteration of CNN has involved copying their meth-ed out stripper of a sister channel “HLN” because nothing says “respecting your audience” like savaging them with non-stop Casey Anthony updates. However even this effort ended terribly as CNN continually bungled its Boston Bombing coverage to the point where even your mom was getting decent cracks at their expense on Twitter. Obviously this sort of awfulness calls for a desperate attempt at salvation, and since CNN has no confidence in the intelligence of its viewership, the idea of just recycling an older crappy show makes sense. So it was in that vein that CNN announced earlier this year that they are taking full advantage of Jon Stewart’s temporary absence from TV to re-introduce “CROSSFIRE”, a show featuring the same commentators that you hate in other shows but with MOAR SCREAMING. TV Gold right? Well obviously that depends on the hosts that CNN’s new head, Jeff Zucker (aka the man responsible for the war crime of keeping Donald Trump relevant), chooses from “the right and the left.” But judging from the rumors about who these individuals might be, it is apparent that CNN is done trying to woo viewers and is now just going to hate fuck them into compliance with performance art levels of absurdity. So look out world because Newt fucking Gingrich will be scaring your children while grifting from your grandparents on the tee-vee this summer. Read more on CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them…
  red badge of courage

Arizona Fires Veterans’ Administration Secretary Just For Telling Truth About Ladies And The Rag

This fine specimen of Arizonianinity, Terri Proud, knows what is up with ladies on the frontlines, and that is that they get infections in foxholes. Wait, no, that was Newt Gingrich. Right, here is what Terri Proud, executive assistant to the director of Arizona’s Veterans Services department, said: “Women have certain things during the month I’m not sure they should be out there dealing with. I don’t know how to address that topic in a very diplomatic manner.” And now she has been fired, and her boss has resigned, and even Jan Brewer is all up in her lady business, because before Proud was a secretary at some agency, she was a one-term lawmaker who said idiot things about ‘bortions, and Jan Brewer had already told Proud’s boss not to hire her, and just what kind of Wingnut Welfare for idiots who are too stupid to quality for Koch Cash is Arizona running over there? Read more on Arizona Fires Veterans’ Administration Secretary Just For Telling Truth About Ladies And The Rag…
  two men enter the total perspective vortex one man leaves

Adult Babies Rick Santorum And Newt Gingrich Almost Joined Forces To Beat Romney But Decided To Throw Tantrums Instead

Oh, Pope Rick Santorum and pumpkin-headed hyena Newt Gingrich almost formed a Unity Ticket to beat eventual nominee and member of the House of Lords Mittens of Romney? But they couldn’t because talks broke down when neither of them would accept the veep spot because both of them had to be president? Well color us shocked — shocked! — that two of the most undeservedly self-regarding men in the universe could not lay down their own egos to save their party from a Romnastrophe. How great would a Sangrich or Gintorum ticket have been? The smegma-lipped moral scold and the undisciplined libertine would have ridden into American history with at least a solid 34 percent of the American electorate behind them, hungry for that frothy mix of Neil Bush and Carrie Nation. Businessweek, would you care to throw us some on-the-record goodness? Read more on Adult Babies Rick Santorum And Newt Gingrich Almost Joined Forces To Beat Romney But Decided To Throw Tantrums Instead…
  Unappetizing Force Meets Incomprehsible Object

Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show

Here is a fun marketing fact: Yr. Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho, which is among the top locations for test-marketing new products in our great nation. Apparently, we have certain demographic characterisitics (doughy, gun-fondling, dog-owning) that are useful predictors of how a new product might sell. It’s sometimes pretty obvious, when for three weeks every convenience store checkstand features some horrifying new variation on an existing product, like Double-Caffeinated Cool Ranch Twix Bars. So here’s a trial balloon that may or may not sail: Newt Gingrich says he’d just love to be on Celebrity Apprentice, aka Donald Trump’s Festival of Fail. Your Wonkette enthusiastically hopes this comes to pass, because it would be Yooge and Beeyootiful. Read more on Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show…
  Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Newt

Funmeister Newt Gingrich Says GOP Needs To Be A ‘Happy Party’

Hey, GOP sad sacks! Fun-time Newt Gingrich has a nifty idea for you all to become way more popular! Instead of being a bunch of Grumpy Gusses, why not reach out to everyday Americans and “be a happy party”? And if anyone knows how to be happy, it’s the guy who is so averse to unhappiness that when his wife gets cancer, he finds a new gal who’s not such a goddamn bummer! Read more on Funmeister Newt Gingrich Says GOP Needs To Be A ‘Happy Party’…
  get medieval on their ass

What Can We Learn From This Horrible Story About Mentally Disabled People In Dungeons?

Gawker brings us the second-most horrifying story of the morning — the other one is also from Gawker, about “Cannibal Cop,” so yeah — about mentally disabled people, with average mental ages of 10, being kept in a Philadelphia dungeon so a cabal of really fine people could steal their disability checks and also make them be prostitution whores. Alleged ringleader Linda Weston [who was joined in the scheme by her daughter, among others] found the victims in different ways; one was her niece and another was taken from a street corner near a mental health facility. All of the victims were malnourished and some had been trapped in the basement for as long as 11 years; the two deaths were the result of starvation and bacterial meningitis. Several of the victims, who Memeger said had the mental capacity of an average 10-year-old child, were also forced into prostitution. All told, the scam netted the alleged abductors $212,000 over ten years. How is it that the easiest way to make an illegitimate 20 grand a year is to IMPRISON PEOPLE IN BASEMENTS? Like, have they ever even seen “Breaking Bad”? Maybe they just enjoyed imprisoning people, and the SSI was just icing on the very sick cake? Maybe most of their real income came from selling “Bless This Torture Den” needlepoint on Etsy? Read more on What Can We Learn From This Horrible Story About Mentally Disabled People In Dungeons?…
  welcome to the jungle

Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons

If there is one thing you will learn from the workplace accident documentary Extract, it is that losing one ball is the sweet spot in any work-injury claim. Lose both, and the jury can’t identify with you, as they themselves would never — could never — be similarly unmanned. Lose neither, and why are they giving you money again? But lose one, and you are still a man, just barely, your masculinity hanging by a delicate thread. But what if you have both nuts extant, but they have been fried beyond redemption by gamma rays from Mars or whatever because some insane billionaire Newt Gingrich backer insists you x-ray his mail and that lead aprons are for pussies? Well, some stupid peons are trying to find out! Read more on Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons…
  Fox Nooz

Oh How Cute, Fox is Suddenly Worried About “Media Bias” and its Impact on Democracy

Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Apparently there are “new questions” about the role of the media 2012 race! What kind of questions? Well, the kind Fox Nooz asks, like: why does the media insist on pointing out all the lies that come out of Mitt Romney’s mouth? And: why do they have to call constant attention to the fact that Gingrich is a womanizing scumbag? Yes, those kinds of questions. Read more on Oh How Cute, Fox is Suddenly Worried About “Media Bias” and its Impact on Democracy…
  to the stars so long as it's cheap

Newt Gingrich Still Angling For Job As Governor of Moon

The 2012 election is the collision of many, many smaller issues: Immigrants, and how they’re destroying everything; the disenfranchisement of Poors, due to laziness; that little issue of health care and who gets to blame whom for $700 billion in Medicare cuts. Plus deficits and tax rates and reproductive rights and Freedom and student loans and Sharia law and Libya and Gitmo and income inequality and gay marriage and how single women are whores, just to name a few. There’s a lot of stuff going on in a lot of places. What should we be focusing on? I know! The moooooooon! If some of you Undecideds were feeling pretty ambivalent about all those issues but are super passionate about space travel, the Romney campaign has prepared a brochure for you — they’ve got a whole space plan! One Republican, however, is displeased with the plan: Captain Newton Tiberius Gingrich, he of the famous primary-season promise of an American moon base. Read more on Newt Gingrich Still Angling For Job As Governor of Moon…
  swiss misses

Straight-Faced GOP Mouthpieces: Mitt Romney Has Foreign Policy Experience Because Of All Those Swiss Bank Accounts

When Barack Hussein NObAama ran for president in 2008 with no foreign policy experience (unless you count ACORN as its own brave nation state), our good, kind and decent brethren on the right thought this might be a bad idea. How would this 48-year-old baby ever defeat bin Laden, or Khadafi, or the Soviet Union? Barack balanced out his lack of foreign policy experience with grizzled Old Handsome Joe Biden to appeal to people who cared about foreign policy and also whites. But this still was not good enough for some people! (Shockingly.) Now, Republican nominee Mittens of Romney and Suite Judy Blue Eyes Paul Ryan have a combined zero foreign policy experience. But would you believe that Mitt Romney does have foreign policy experience, and that is because he was in business and had many bank accounts throughout the world? Because that is what conservative Statesmen Newt Gingrich and Tim Pawlenty say. Let us listen in wonder, and awe! Read more on Straight-Faced GOP Mouthpieces: Mitt Romney Has Foreign Policy Experience Because Of All Those Swiss Bank Accounts…
  so what who cayuhs

Newt Gingrich: It Is Okay For Mitt Romney To Lie If It Is In A Political Ad, Yeah Sure Why Not?

Does rubber-lipped diamond-humper Newt Gingrich think it is awesome for Mitt Romney to flat-out lie in his advertisement about Obama (not) dropping the welfare-to-work requirements in waivers to the states? Sure it is awesome. It’s a political ad, you can’t expect people to tell the truth when they only have 30 seconds! Did Newt Gingrich feel the same way about whether truth should be optional when it was he who was on the receiving end of Mitt Romney’s fun money? We will give you a guess. Think hard! Think long! Are you ready to learn if you were right? No, not yet? We will wait. Read more on Newt Gingrich: It Is Okay For Mitt Romney To Lie If It Is In A Political Ad, Yeah Sure Why Not?…
  terrorism forever

Who’s Hanging Out With The Iranian Terrorist Group Now?

Every big- and middle-name Democrat and Republican loves raking in fees to speak to the exiled Iranian Marxist guerilla group MEK, an official member of the State Department’s terrorist group list that also happens to hate the current Iranian regime. This seems pretty illegal, but hey, maybe we just love the Ayatollah and Ahmadinejad too much to see the legality of it all. Now let’s meet an additional two faces who’ve been providing support to this official terrorist group recently: Newt Gingrich and columnist Clarence Page! Read more on Who’s Hanging Out With The Iranian Terrorist Group Now?…
  happy endings

Here Is Photo Proof That Newt Gingrich Is Finally President of Space

Well, Newt Gingrich has at last achieved his lifelong goal of conquering the void of empty space. Just look at him out there, the brave emperor of a vast, dark and lonely realm surrounded by his only true companions, some insane person in a scary-looking costume and an elephant. We just knew you could do it, Newt. We just knew. [Buzzfeed] Read more on Here Is Photo Proof That Newt Gingrich Is Finally President of Space…
  whore diamonds aren't forever

Newt Gingrich Is All Out Of Whore Diamonds

We have had a lot of fun over the years pointing and laughing at Ol’ Yeller, Newt Gingrich. One of the things we have liked best is laughing about how very bad he is with money, because of how he is a common hustler who rips off everyone within a 26,000-mile radius. But today, Reuters points us to a tragic tale: not only is Newtypie’s campaign 80 trillion dollars in debt or whatever, but his personal fortune — his “empire” pulled in $110 million over the past decade — welp, that’s gone too and everyone is as bankrupt as Donald Trump. OH NOEZ! The Gingrich Group bankruptcy proceedings spotlight the remarkable reversal of fortune of the half-dozen organizations associated with Gingrich. The presidential contender recently ended his campaign $4.8 million in debt. A political nonprofit he headed, American Solutions for Winning the Future, which raised $52 million between its founding in 2007 and its dissolution last July, also ended in debt. That would buy so very many whore diamonds. Have these people no priorities? Let us read some more eye-goggling numbers please, Reuters, perhaps with a bonus aside about what a liar the entire right wing is about their stupid keening over NAZI SOSHULIST MANDATES! Read more on Newt Gingrich Is All Out Of Whore Diamonds…
  burn them

Daily Caller Explains James O’Keefe’s Sting Of ‘Democrat-Friendly’ Vote Fraud By GOP Kids Voting GOP

James O’Keefe has a new video, you guys, and it is super-exciting because it shows how those horrible Ivy Tower LIEBERALS at the University of North Carolina didn’t fink on a “Democrat-friendly election fraud scheme” of a kid voting for both Romney and Gingrich! Huh? What it says, dudes. The first part of the video is about foreign-born people registering to vote but then getting out of jury duty by saying they weren’t citizens. Are they? It is impossible to tell (unless James O’Keefe actually wanted to go dig through microfilm, and that is not something an investigative journalist does)! Anyway, here is the more befuddling part of the befuddling video: GOP kids bragging about double-voting GOP, which is obviously Democrat election fraud, DUH. Read more on Daily Caller Explains James O’Keefe’s Sting Of ‘Democrat-Friendly’ Vote Fraud By GOP Kids Voting GOP…
  goodbye forever

Newt Gingrich Drops Out To Spend More Time With His Creditors

Newt Gingrich was just on the teevee talking about the moon, jobs, Kaiser Wilhelm, Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, cocaine and methamphetamine, amnesia, his grandchildren, Ellis the Elephant, dropping out of the Republican presidential nominating contest, and everything else he has ever thought about for half-a-second since 1968. He has had a marvelous run. What now? Aside from harassing college students nationwide, Newt will be spending some lovely time with his creditors, whom he owes millions of dollars. Read more on Newt Gingrich Drops Out To Spend More Time With His Creditors…
  the long farewell

Newt Gingrich Sends Bizarre Message from Outer Space of His Mind

Space commander Newt Gingrich has issued a special sad secret video communique from space with terrifying news from the future: “I want to take this opportunity to give you an insider advance notice that…” — WHAT IS IT, WE HATE SUSPENSE — “…on Wednesday, I’ll be officially suspending the campaign.” Oh no, that is terrible. We were praying for “massive comets are hurtling toward Earth,” to avoid the rest of the general election season. But commander, some have noticed that the flag displayed in your message as seen in the screen grab above is on the wrong side, according to Title 36 of the United States Code that specifies that flags hanging from a staff must be on the “speaker’s right as he faces the audience.” WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Read more on Newt Gingrich Sends Bizarre Message from Outer Space of His Mind…
  news cycle filler

Oh Yeah, Apparently Newt Gingrich Dropped Out of The Race Today?

Just kidding, no he hasn’t. The Internet merely ran one of its “Newt Gingrich will suspend his campaign any day now” stories that it has run once every other week since February. Even these were starting to dwindle due to a pressing lack of media interest, so a Newt spokesman had to go and swear oaths before the reporters that it really will be happening within a week or so, just as soon as America has had an appropriate amount of days to grieve and put in their request slips for time off to hear his triumphant near-victory speech. Then, yes, then. Read more on Oh Yeah, Apparently Newt Gingrich Dropped Out of The Race Today?…
  hey bitches

Hello Beggars, Here Is Your Newt’s Last Chance Liveblog

New York, come on down! Pennsylvania! Connecticut! Rhode Island! DELAWARE! Politico says Scientology founder L. Newton Hubbard has a chance to win in Delaware, but mostly the article is like haha madeyalook! Newt is done. Roasted. On a spit with an apple. Make sure to turn him evenly, to give the skin that lovely crackle. YES WE ARE SAYING NEWT GINGRICH SHOULD BE EATEN. Welcome to liveblog, fellows! 8:05 PM — RIVETING television looking at Alan Colmes’s face, but a bizarro moment from Bill O’Reilly who actually decries the media not illuminating the fact that Obama is not a Muslin? We haz a confused. We will listen to this for a moment. Read more on Hello Beggars, Here Is Your Newt’s Last Chance Liveblog…