Wonkette

It’s another installment of get-what-you-pay-for Wonk’d featuring James Carville and his incessantly opaque metaphors, Chris Matthews and his inability to dress or eat like a normal person, Newt Gingrich pretending to love all God’s children, and God’s warrior himself, Donald Rumsfeld, fighting like he was in The Warriors — and trying to make it out of New York alive.

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Above, possible Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, with Knut the Baby Polar Bear. Gingrich has been linked to Knut ever since he learned of former flame Butterstick’s tragic illness and left the formerly cute panda for a younger, more attractive animal. MORE »

* Americans no longer afraid of the black man, still scared shitless of frosty testicle-chewing witches. [Media Matters]
* Bill Richardson not above making sure Kim Jong Il has a happy ending. [Radar]
* Shock-jock Jon Imus is in tight with the White House. [Think Progress]
* Prove your love for Barry Hussein by paying to hang out with lawyers at the eurotrashiest bar in the eurotrashiest neighborhood in town. [Hotline on Call]
* Walnuts! “major address on the war in Iraq” tomorrow will have a jarhead audience par excellence. [Powerline]
* JK beats Newt in climate debate. J/K. [John Kerry]

* Heard on the Hill: Times Magazine runs a picture of Obama and David Axelrod together in Obama’s Senate office, in possible violation of election law… Capitol Police fail to rescue injured squirrels. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Some celebrities are taller than you’d expect, and vice versa. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Tom Tancredo is against sending some tv person to a Mexican prison… Get ready for the DC “Commission on Fashion Arts and Events,” to celebrate the worst-dressed town on the eastern seaboard! … Kerry loses to Bush in car chase… Hillary apparently only person in Washington not willing to make nice with unfunny old jackass Don Imus. [Examiner]
* Inside the Beltway: WALNUTS! needs to grow a goatee to complete his gradual transition into an evil totalitarian film villain. [WT]
* The Sleuth: Now you are allowed to sympathize with Elizabeth Edwards without giving her husband money. [WP]
* Washington Whispers: Newt Gingrich now a tree-hugging hippie… Chuck Hagel has a book coming out about how he’s maybe running for president maybe. [USN&WR]

* President Bush to launch new “surge” in war on Mexicans. [WP, USAT]
* Barney Frank wants the government to get back to building low-income housing so all the poor people will be in one place. [WP]
* Hurricane Katrina related claims against the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers reach $477 billion. [USAT]
* Democrats propose tax cuts for the rich! [NYT]
* Fred Thompson may be a little behind in fundraising for ‘08, but do any of the other candidates have a star vehicle like Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee in which they play President Ulysses “The Alcoholic One” Grant? [WSJ]
* Newt Gingrich blames Alberto Gonzales for Alberto Gonzales’ problems. [NYT, LAT]
* Bloggers get John McCain to admit to strolling around Baghdad with a platoon of his closest heavily armed friends. [NYT]
* Drunk with power and in search of an identity, Joe Lieberman makes a seating chart. [WP]
* Country not ready to learn the porn-surfing habits of White House staffers. [LAT]

Hate yourself and have $600 to spare? Have dinner with Bob Novak! MORE »

Beloved bald eagles George and Martha thrilled Washington for years, but tragedy struck in the form of an evil eagle bitch who hated Martha. MORE »

Hundreds of terrified Hill staffers are fleeing the Russell Senate Office building after a Deadly Boredom Alert was issued by Capitol Police:

Senator John Kerry will debate Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich on the issues of global climate change and the environment … 325 Russell Senate Office Building … Tuesday, April 12 at 10 a.m. ….

Homeland Security experts said the appearance of two blowhard losers like Kerry and Gingrich could cause the boredom fumes to penetrate sealed offices or even neighboring buildings. Grief counselors and emergency bartenders will be stationed on the Capitol lawn. MORE »

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* Presidential contenders’ YouTube channels range from “mind-boggling” to “old-fart.” [PrezVid]
* Walnuts! now able to literally wipe his feet on Iraq. [Passport]
* Black-tie Gridiron dinner on Saturday night featured Robert Novak in the role he was born to play. [Firedoglake]
* Margaret Carlson always wanted, but never got Fred Thompson’s johnson. [Newsweek]
* Condoleeza Rice offers to pitch if Sean Hannity will catch. [Raw Story]
* Newt Gingrich’s life to resemble Spanish profanity immersion. [The Swamp]
* Bill Richardson is the “greenest” candidate. [TalkLeft]