Tag Archives: newt gingrich

  free speech for me but not for thee

Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp

We know everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that a conservative christian reality teevee star thinks that gays are super-icky because who would want buttsechs in the bumbum when the sweet sweet vajayjay is RIGHT THERE for the taking?!? In fact, we know many women who completely agree that the vajayjay is, indeed, rather awesome. Read more on Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp…
  that's not racial transcendence

Newt Gingrich So Mad At MSNBC For Forcing Conservatives To Be Racist About Nelson Mandela

Last week, Newt Gingrich put out what he described as a “heartfelt” statement about the passing of Nelson Mandela. (No, you’re not really supposed to describe your own work as “heartfelt,” but in the annals of Gingrichian self-regard, this is probably as minor as it gets.) Back in the ’80s, Gingrich had in fact (for once) been on the right side of history, as he argued the Reagan administration should fight Apartheid instead of lovingly fellating the Afrikaner government that was then stomping on the throats of the black majority. Well, ol Newton got a bit of pushback from people who were very ANGRY that he would have kind words for the Kenyan South African Marxist Muslin Terrorist, and he wrote a second piece explaining “shut up is why.” Which is absolutely not news, any of it. Every Republican who has said anything at all not spitty and lynchy about the father of democratic South Africa has been inundated with a bunch of waaaah und drang. But what is news is whose fault it is that Real Merkins are a-bitchin’ and a-hootin’ about that dastardly old Mandz: it is MSNBC’s fault, of course, just like we said in the headline. Read more on Newt Gingrich So Mad At MSNBC For Forcing Conservatives To Be Racist About Nelson Mandela…
  you ain't seen nothin yet

Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy

So, kids, are we having fun with the government shutdown yet? From dieting kids, to cancer kids, to forced family vacations, isn’t Congress just the best?!? American exceptionalism at its finest! However, the fun is just beginning. Because while a government shutdown only causes headaches and pain for U.S. Americans, Congress is determined to share such misery with the rest of the world with another self-made crisis: the debt ceiling! Because sharing is caring! What’s this debt ceiling, you ask. Well, it is the statutory limit of borrowing for the Treasury Department, kind of like a credit card limit, but a super-platinum one where you get to set your own limit. If we can set our own limit, how can there possibly be a problem? Silly Wonkeroos, we have but one answer for you: House GOP. Let’s wonksplore, shall we?  Read more on Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy…
  must not see tv

Tonight! Crossfire Returns To America’s Airwaves, Twitters, Facebooks, MySpaces, and Sonograms

Oh god so there is a new Crossfire? Apparently there is a new Crossfire. We had remained blissfully unaware of this because we did good things in a former life. The Editrix told us we had to write a thing about it, though, so the first thing we did was head on over to the Google to learn more about this exciting new endeavor that kicks off with Newt Gingrich and some lady that is not Newt Gingrich nor many of the Mrs. Newt Gingriches. OH AND WE JUST FOUND OUT IT STARTS IN 17 MINUTES, AT 6:30 EASTERN. HURRY! HURRY TO THE TEEVEE FOR YOUR CROSSFIRE OH NO YOU ARE GOING TO MISS IT WHAT WILL YOU DOOOOOOOOOO!!1! Read more on Tonight! Crossfire Returns To America’s Airwaves, Twitters, Facebooks, MySpaces, and Sonograms…
  repeal me a grape

BREAKING! HOUSE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE! HISTORIC MOVE PORTENDS FUTURE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE!

So the House voted — for the 38th and 39th times, since there’s two different bills — to strangle Obamacare in its cradle, which pretty much means it was Wednesday. But this time it is Historic, because Newt Gingrich said it is. (Best footnote: Newt’s Twitter page still has a “Newt 2012″ campaign banner on it. History!) Elsewhere, in reality, the Department of Health and Human Services is preparing a report showing that in 11 states where insurance exchanges have been set up, rates for insurance plans will actually be lower than Congressional Budget Office projections. But they would say that, wouldn’t they? Read more on BREAKING! HOUSE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE! HISTORIC MOVE PORTENDS FUTURE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE!…
  my primary function is failure

Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President

In deciding to run for President in 2012, Mitt Romney ignored his family’s advice and his own vote in an informal family poll, according to an upcoming campaign book obtained by the Huffington Post. Sam Stein reports that over the 2010 Christmas holiday, the Romney family took a vote on whether he should run for President in 2012. Of the twelve votes, 10 were against the idea, including Mitt himself. Refusing to see this an inevitable foreshadowing of the rest of the country, and unable to override the “% become POTUS” command line in his programming, Romney was left with no choice but to run anyway. Read more on Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President…
  Washed in the Blood

Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)

Sometimes, we here at Yr Wonkette poke fun at Christianist America, just for funsies. Any nutjob can believe whatever wackadoodle things floats their boat, and Yr Wonkette would never call for the deaths of Christians. Especially if one of their own is going to do it for us. Ed Brayton is on it like a ravenous jungle beast: David Lane, who is running Rand Paul’s outreach to evangelical voters for his potential presidential run, has a completely unhinged column at the Worldnutdaily calling on Christians to become martyrs in order to stop same-sex marriage — how, exactly? because it will destroy America. The entire article is no longer available because — no lie — it was actually TOO NUTTY for WND. Srsly — here is the link. They took it down. No explanation, but the only thing one can imagine is that David Lane managed to expel such nausea-inducing crazy-talk that was too awful for the Internet’s renowned home for all things awful. And maybe WND thought a call for “martyrdom” might somehow be taken as an invitation for nutbags to strap on explosive vests? Happily, Yr Wonkette and everyone else can read snippets preserved at Dispatches From The Culture Wars and The Immoral Minority, who quoted large sections before it was all gone, like tears in rain, or farts in the wind. Let’s explore! Read more on Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)…
  Hint he wants to call it the "Newt"

Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For ‘Cell Phones’

Newt Gingrich is really puzzled, you guys! Seems the smartest, most-forward thinking politician of our time (and former actor – note that that is his actual size) has a giant confuzzle about what exactly to call these newfangled high-powered phone things that are so much more than a phone. Just look at them! It is not just that you can make calls with these phones. You can also take pictures, shoot videos, check email, watch bukkake porn, play video games, update your Twitter and Facebook statuses, find anonymous sex partners within a hundred feet of your current location, do your taxes, watch bukkake porn, calculate a restaurant tip, locate the nearest methadone clinic, start up your car remotely like Knight Rider, pilot a drone to blow up a Pakistani wedding, watch bukkake porn, and did we mention the bukkake porn? The 21st century – it’s just like they always said it would be at those world fairs! Poor Newt does not understand, then, why we continue to call these magic machines “phones.” Isn’t there some other term that captures the sizzle, the razzle, the dazzle, the sizzle and jizzle of these devices that Newt thought would never exist until at least Buck Rogers’ time? He puts it to the public to come up with a fantastic name for the fantastic more-than-a-phone, because a great thinker and leader like Newt Gingrich cannot be bothered to think about anything going on in the country right now that might be a little more pressing. Read more on Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For ‘Cell Phones’…
  nevar forget

Contest! Caption This Sextorter GOP Creep In An Elephant Costume, With The Gingriches!

This morning, we brought you news of Paul Ryan/Newt Gingrich/Mitt Romney threeway victim and utter creepazoid Adam Savader, and how we (ahem) he was (ALLEGEDLY) sextorting all the pretty girls by hacking their nakey selfies and then threatening to release the pictures of their “tits” and “pussies” to their parents, the RNC, their internships, and the world. Indeed, he seems the perfect picture of a fine young man. Well but! He is also the kind of team player who VOLUNTEERED to act out his furry cosplay fantasies wear the Ellie the Elephant costume at Newt Gingriche’s zoophilia festivals. And here, thanks to CNN, he maybe is! Caption away. Read more on Contest! Caption This Sextorter GOP Creep In An Elephant Costume, With The Gingriches!…
 

CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them

CNN, the fallen child prodigy of television journalism, has spent the majority of its time after the Clinton Impeachment periodically re-branding in an increasingly pathetic attempt to stave off the inevitable decline into irrelevance. The most recent iteration of CNN has involved copying their meth-ed out stripper of a sister channel “HLN” because nothing says “respecting your audience” like savaging them with non-stop Casey Anthony updates. However even this effort ended terribly as CNN continually bungled its Boston Bombing coverage to the point where even your mom was getting decent cracks at their expense on Twitter. Obviously this sort of awfulness calls for a desperate attempt at salvation, and since CNN has no confidence in the intelligence of its viewership, the idea of just recycling an older crappy show makes sense. So it was in that vein that CNN announced earlier this year that they are taking full advantage of Jon Stewart’s temporary absence from TV to re-introduce “CROSSFIRE”, a show featuring the same commentators that you hate in other shows but with MOAR SCREAMING. TV Gold right? Well obviously that depends on the hosts that CNN’s new head, Jeff Zucker (aka the man responsible for the war crime of keeping Donald Trump relevant), chooses from “the right and the left.” But judging from the rumors about who these individuals might be, it is apparent that CNN is done trying to woo viewers and is now just going to hate fuck them into compliance with performance art levels of absurdity. So look out world because Newt fucking Gingrich will be scaring your children while grifting from your grandparents on the tee-vee this summer. Read more on CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them…
  red badge of courage

Arizona Fires Veterans’ Administration Secretary Just For Telling Truth About Ladies And The Rag

This fine specimen of Arizonianinity, Terri Proud, knows what is up with ladies on the frontlines, and that is that they get infections in foxholes. Wait, no, that was Newt Gingrich. Right, here is what Terri Proud, executive assistant to the director of Arizona’s Veterans Services department, said: “Women have certain things during the month I’m not sure they should be out there dealing with. I don’t know how to address that topic in a very diplomatic manner.” And now she has been fired, and her boss has resigned, and even Jan Brewer is all up in her lady business, because before Proud was a secretary at some agency, she was a one-term lawmaker who said idiot things about ‘bortions, and Jan Brewer had already told Proud’s boss not to hire her, and just what kind of Wingnut Welfare for idiots who are too stupid to quality for Koch Cash is Arizona running over there? Read more on Arizona Fires Veterans’ Administration Secretary Just For Telling Truth About Ladies And The Rag…
  two men enter the total perspective vortex one man leaves

Adult Babies Rick Santorum And Newt Gingrich Almost Joined Forces To Beat Romney But Decided To Throw Tantrums Instead

Oh, Pope Rick Santorum and pumpkin-headed hyena Newt Gingrich almost formed a Unity Ticket to beat eventual nominee and member of the House of Lords Mittens of Romney? But they couldn’t because talks broke down when neither of them would accept the veep spot because both of them had to be president? Well color us shocked — shocked! — that two of the most undeservedly self-regarding men in the universe could not lay down their own egos to save their party from a Romnastrophe. How great would a Sangrich or Gintorum ticket have been? The smegma-lipped moral scold and the undisciplined libertine would have ridden into American history with at least a solid 34 percent of the American electorate behind them, hungry for that frothy mix of Neil Bush and Carrie Nation. Businessweek, would you care to throw us some on-the-record goodness? Read more on Adult Babies Rick Santorum And Newt Gingrich Almost Joined Forces To Beat Romney But Decided To Throw Tantrums Instead…
  Unappetizing Force Meets Incomprehsible Object

Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show

Here is a fun marketing fact: Yr. Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho, which is among the top locations for test-marketing new products in our great nation. Apparently, we have certain demographic characterisitics (doughy, gun-fondling, dog-owning) that are useful predictors of how a new product might sell. It’s sometimes pretty obvious, when for three weeks every convenience store checkstand features some horrifying new variation on an existing product, like Double-Caffeinated Cool Ranch Twix Bars. So here’s a trial balloon that may or may not sail: Newt Gingrich says he’d just love to be on Celebrity Apprentice, aka Donald Trump’s Festival of Fail. Your Wonkette enthusiastically hopes this comes to pass, because it would be Yooge and Beeyootiful. Read more on Happy Fun Gingrich Offers To Be Human Sacrifice On Donald Trump’s Dumb Teevee Show…
  Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Newt

Funmeister Newt Gingrich Says GOP Needs To Be A ‘Happy Party’

Hey, GOP sad sacks! Fun-time Newt Gingrich has a nifty idea for you all to become way more popular! Instead of being a bunch of Grumpy Gusses, why not reach out to everyday Americans and “be a happy party”? And if anyone knows how to be happy, it’s the guy who is so averse to unhappiness that when his wife gets cancer, he finds a new gal who’s not such a goddamn bummer! Read more on Funmeister Newt Gingrich Says GOP Needs To Be A ‘Happy Party’…
  get medieval on their ass

What Can We Learn From This Horrible Story About Mentally Disabled People In Dungeons?

Gawker brings us the second-most horrifying story of the morning — the other one is also from Gawker, about “Cannibal Cop,” so yeah — about mentally disabled people, with average mental ages of 10, being kept in a Philadelphia dungeon so a cabal of really fine people could steal their disability checks and also make them be prostitution whores. Alleged ringleader Linda Weston [who was joined in the scheme by her daughter, among others] found the victims in different ways; one was her niece and another was taken from a street corner near a mental health facility. All of the victims were malnourished and some had been trapped in the basement for as long as 11 years; the two deaths were the result of starvation and bacterial meningitis. Several of the victims, who Memeger said had the mental capacity of an average 10-year-old child, were also forced into prostitution. All told, the scam netted the alleged abductors $212,000 over ten years. How is it that the easiest way to make an illegitimate 20 grand a year is to IMPRISON PEOPLE IN BASEMENTS? Like, have they ever even seen “Breaking Bad”? Maybe they just enjoyed imprisoning people, and the SSI was just icing on the very sick cake? Maybe most of their real income came from selling “Bless This Torture Den” needlepoint on Etsy? Read more on What Can We Learn From This Horrible Story About Mentally Disabled People In Dungeons?…
  welcome to the jungle

Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons

If there is one thing you will learn from the workplace accident documentary Extract, it is that losing one ball is the sweet spot in any work-injury claim. Lose both, and the jury can’t identify with you, as they themselves would never — could never — be similarly unmanned. Lose neither, and why are they giving you money again? But lose one, and you are still a man, just barely, your masculinity hanging by a delicate thread. But what if you have both nuts extant, but they have been fried beyond redemption by gamma rays from Mars or whatever because some insane billionaire Newt Gingrich backer insists you x-ray his mail and that lead aprons are for pussies? Well, some stupid peons are trying to find out! Read more on Gingrich Sugar-Daddy Took Our Manhood, Say Peons…