EMAILS WE DELETED IMMEDIATELY: “Good afternoon, In a story exclusive to National Journal, Jim Barnes reports that former House Speaker Newt Gingrich is weighing a run for president in 2012 and that he expects to come to a decision in February or March of 2011.” [National Journal!!]

BREAKING: The squid-elephant walrus fetus furry is not (a rather poor!) incarnation of our god, Cthulhu. It is simply the Obama Job Creation Fail Whale just speeeennning time with his friend the friendly AmSol Twitter Eagle. And if (when?) you murder them both and brag about it on the Internet, Newt Gingrich will give you Ameros and video games! MORE »

• NEWT GINGRICH DID IT! Tipster/commenter bfstevie writes, “Saw the ‘American Solutions’ furry on the Wonkette. Turns out this is a ‘tri-partisan citizen action network’ whose General Chairman is Newt Gingrich.” Indeed! BUT: “Newt’s ‘welcome letter’ to the thoughtful tri-partisan web site uses the Einstein quote about insanity. This is the very same quote that the guy in Austin quoted in his mean spirited screed before he flew into a building.” Raid Newt Gingrich’s house for Saul Alinsky books — the only ones that count!

OH HO HO HO HO OHHHHHHH… OHHH… CAUGHT… SUCKA… whatever. Newt Gingrich mistakenly said on The Daily Show last night that shoebomber Richard Reid was an American citizen (he was British — even more American than an American, chronologically?), and that’s why George W. Bush personally read him his Miranda rights. MORE »

• Aww, Jim Inhofe’s grandchildren built Al Gore a spacious snow cavern to live in! How did they know Al’s fursona was a “homeless but sensitive polar bear?” [Think Progress]
• Looks like it’s going to be another lonely, miserable Valentine’s Day, huh? Hey, why not fingerbang a heavily-discounted Newt Gingrich paperback from the NRO bookstore instead? Ships with a bottle of Newt’s famous pheromone cologne so you can set the mood! [The Corner]
• “How many Americans will die because of Barack Obama’s handling of national security?” Hopefully enough in time for the 2012 elections! [RedState]
• Obama’s “the only good terrorist is a dead terrorist” policy is in direct conflict with Rumsfeld’s way better “keep that terrorist alive so we can tickle him with a power drill” doctrine. [Matt Yglesias]
• Bad news for feral Hill interns who snack on cigarette butts and other special treasures they find on the Mall: You are exposing yourself to third-hand smoke. [Gateway Pundit]

• Haitian refugees are being imprisoned at Guantanamo, because Bagram is obviously a bit out of the way. [Think Progress]
• Once again, Newt Gingrich is caught felching about the 2012 presidential elections. [AMERICAblog]
• Armageddon’s arrival has been delayed by one minute. Please be patient. [Hit & Run]
• The GOP has defeated the Democrats at Twitter. Truly, they are King of the Twat. [Weekly Standard]
• Also: the libruls have abandoned Net Neutrality, leaving it defenseless and quite vulnerable! But will RedState be able to murder Net Neutrality, all by themselves, using only their Twitter machines? [RedState]

The Republicans’ new strategy for winning back the House in 2010 is comprised solely of their strategy for winning back the House in 1994. Oh yes, it is Time for another Contract with America, except maybe this time, John Boehner hints, it will might be called an “Agenda with America,” because maybe this sound Internet-ier? Boehner, you tease! MORE »

Rejected minor Sorkin character Newt Gingrich went to speak with Bill O’Reilly somewhere inside the tevee yesterday to talk about terrorists and their known proclivity, terrorism. Gingrich, if he is going to be the Republican’s perennial safety nominee, must crack down on terrorism by saying how much Barack Obama loves it, starting now. This is called “appealing to the base,” and it goes a little something like this: “I believe what you have is a group of people centered in the Justice Department and the Attorney General, whose law firms all gave pro bono support to terrorism. They start every day with a presumption that the rights of terrorists are more important than the lives of Americans.” This guy! MORE »

• Newt Gingrich predicts Michele Bachmann will soon chair the House Committee on Un-American Activities. Sure Newt, you cumsucker. We’re tired of your empty promises! [Think Progress]
• The ‘True’ Person of The Year 2009: obviously YOU, THE COURAGEOUS TEABAGGER! [RedState]
• The FAA is staffed by a bunch of disingenuous winos. [Hit & Run]
• China hacks the dickens out of Matt Yglesias in 3,2,1… [Matt Yglesias]
• The White House Christmas Sapling is basically covered from top to stump in “Mao balls” and “transvestites.” [Gateway Pundit]

That thing you were just saying the Internet was definitely missing? It is HERE: Look no further than Newt Gingrich’s grammatically indiscriminate new web magazine, “The Americano”, of course! (Editor Ken Layne points out that “El Americano” has naturally already been dibs’ed by what appears to be a high school dating back to 2005 A.D.) So, what lies therein, bilingually curious webzine? Mostly pieces about Catholicism and its arbitrarily assigned discontents (i.e. gays, people who want to secularize Christmas, etc.) Do not delay in buying friends and family members invaluable lifetime RSS subscriptions for El Christmas. [The Americano via Dave Weigel]

It is a fact of Washington politics and future Washington politics that Newt Gingrich will be forced to run as the GOP’s Presidential candidate in 2012. You can tell this is most definitely the case because, um, A. Tim Pawlenty B. Bobby Jindal, C. Mitt Romney and D. Others (??). Anyway, how stoked is Newt Gingrich?? “Callista and I are going to think about this in February 2011. And we are going to reach out to all of our friends around the country. And we’ll decide, if there’s a requirement as citizens that we run, I suspect we probably will. And if there’s not a requirement, if other people have filled the vaccum, I suspect we won’t.” No one tell Sarah Palin about Gingrich’s funsy new campaign slogan: “If You Insist!” [Political Wire]

We don’t even want to know the mechanics of this: “Washington, DC – To celebrate the launch of Newt Gingrich (@newtgingrich) and Bill Forstchen’s new book, To Try Men’s Souls, about the Christmas Night 1776 crossing of the Delaware River and attack on the Hessians stationed in Trenton, NJ, St. Martin’s Press and Gingrich Communications are excited to announce the first ever twitter reenactment of the crossing!” Intern Riley will be liveblogging this on Sunday! Yes, Riley, it’s true! [Newt.org]

Good gravy, the GAZONGA COLLECTORS are after former California Biddie of the Year CARRIE PREJEAN! Poor Carrie signed a six-month lease on her enormous ta-ta job, but now she doesn’t want to make the monthly payments because seriously, what is DONALD TRUMP going to do, repossess her boobs? Like the Good Book says, The Trump giveth and The Trump taketh away … MORE »