Tag Archives: newt gingrich

  It's always the cover-up

Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!

Shed a tear for Denny
Back when Republican Denny Hastert was Speaker of the House — before he became a lobbyist and before he was indicted for paying someone a whole lot of hush money to cover up “prior misconduct,” whatever that means, we are terrified to find out — there was this whole other thing Hastert tried to keep all hushed up, and it was a gross Republican sex scandal (our favorite kind). Time to flashback thingy! Read more on Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!…
  Allegedly

Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad

Good point!
Once upon a time, while the Republican Party was trying to recover from its self-inflicted wounds after its disastrous impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton for getting an extramarital hummer, conservative evangelical Illinois Republican Dennis Hastert became Speaker of the House. He wasn’t the first choice; Speaker Newt Gingrich had decided to retire, after making a mess of Congress, and the party’s second choice, Bob Livingston, also resigned in disgrace — for sexytiming someone who was not his wife — before he could even assume the position. Runner-up Hastert eventually landed the gig because of his clean-as-a-whistle reputation. Certainly he would not bring hypocritical shame to the party that had just thrown a constitutional temper tantrum over a blowjob. Until now. Read more on Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad…
  Mad About A Thing

Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming

Was 19 Kids And Counting also the name of Josh Duggar's bucket list?
Are we even remotely surprised that the oh-so-holy Family ValuesTM Duggars have been keeping a dirty secret about that time Josh Duggar repeatedly molested his sisters, and his parents knew and did not do a goddamned thing about it, except for (eventually) sending him off to sex rehab to learn about how his slutty sisters sinfully tempted him, so it’s not really his fault anyway? No. No, we are not. Read more on Family Values Republicans Just Fine With Gross Duggar Family Sex-Criming…
  Yes All Men

It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously

Be afraid. Very afraid.
Men are kind of the worst,* as we all know. They are paid more money for the same job at [fill in just about any industry, no really, even the women-dominated ones, like nursing]. They are charged less for dry-cleaning. They do most of the murdering, raping, domestic violencing and other criming. They spread their legs all over the subway like it’s theirs. They suck up all of the oxygen, with their constant mansplaining of every goddamned thing. Also, they have only just barely started contributing to housework, a little bit, and they already want all the trophies and prizes and parades, Jesus joint-smokin’ Christ. Read more on It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously…
 

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say About Republicans, Come Sit Next To Barney Frank!

The fabulous former Massachusetts Congresshero Barney Frank — who is not known for saying how he really feels about Republicans, bigoted colleagues who “accidentally” call him a fag, whackjobs who compare President Obama to Nazis, and especially Newt Gingrich — appeared on a recent episode of “Watch What Happens: Live” with host Andy Cohen to hesitantly express some more of his mild opinions. And it’s delicious! Read more on If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say About Republicans, Come Sit Next To Barney Frank!…
  introducing john kasizzzzzzzzzz

John Kasich Explores Presidential Bid, Hopes Everyone Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Vote For Him

Basically Tim Pawlenty with slightly more experience. Whatever happened to T-Paw anyway?
Everyone scoot over, we’ve got another passenger for the Republican clown car. John Kasich, the colorless blob of wheat germ currently serving as governor of Ohio, is on an eight-state speaking tour that just coincidentally happens to include South Carolina, home of one of the nation’s early primaries. Even more coincidentally, news of his trip first leaked to the Washington Post last week, which meant a write-up from WaPo political reporter Robert Costa this week. Let us take a look at the latest boring white guy we might be writing jokes about for the next year. (Please kill us.) Read more on John Kasich Explores Presidential Bid, Hopes Everyone Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Vote For Him…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
  history is written by the inept

Conservatives Continue Rewriting History, Because They Are Dumb

And no, the London Underground was not a political movement.
Oh conservatives, you and your wacky knowledge of American history. Where would we be without it? (We would be, collectively as a nation, much better-educated.) We always enjoy remembering, for example, that Thanksgiving celebrates the Pilgrims’ victory over the scourge of socialism, which everyone knows they practiced 200 years before the birth of Karl Marx. Thanks, Professor Limbaugh. Read more on Conservatives Continue Rewriting History, Because They Are Dumb…
  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Definitely winning
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…
  department of silver linings

Fox News Displeased: California Begins Releasing Hardened Children From Juvie

Hardened criminals to now be released from chain gangs early.
One of the few bright spots for liberals in Tuesday’s “tectonic skullfucking” of an election was the passing of progressive ballot initiatives in various states. In California, voters passed Proposition 47, which reclassifies some nonviolent property and drug crime felonies as misdemeanors and could allow as many as 10,000 convicted felons to apply for resentencing and earlier release from the state’s seriously overcrowded prisons. Also, courts are expected to file about 40,000 fewer felony charges annually. Read more on Fox News Displeased: California Begins Releasing Hardened Children From Juvie…
  But what is he really trying to say?!?

Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children

Subtle!
Because it is exactly three weeks to Election Day, it is also the time for desperate candidates who are going to be very sad on Election Day night to whip out the Hail Mary ads because why not? Read more on Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children…
  the tyranny of choice

Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now

Reince Priebus tweeted out an invitation today to go “Pick who you want to be the next president,” via the RNC’s excellent new survey toy. And what a broad selection of fine candidates there is, even though no one’s announced yet, even at this late date. The choices include people who will almost definitely run (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio), some last hurrah losers of previous campaigns (Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum), as well as some solid “Who’s that again?” names for the veepstakes (Mike Pence, Brian Sandoval). And then there’s a few people we’d love to see in the race solely because they’d be excellent sources of blog posts (John Bolton, Sarah Palin, Allen West). But where’s Elder Statesman Mitt Romney? Read more on Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now…
  celebrity jeopardy

Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention

Normally, we rely on our sister site, HappyNiceTimePeople.com, to cover people who are famous for being famous. But every now and then, some no-talent celebrity decides to wade into politics, despite a complete lack of resume and credentials, and we are forced to mock them back to the realm of do-nothingness. Giant-headed moon enthusiast Newt Gingrich helpfully brought the latest sad sack wanna-be politician to our attention, per Raw Story: “First Lady, Senator, Secretary Clinton is very famous for being famous,” Gingrich opined. “And as long as she can continue to be famous, she will be famous.” Seriously, what has Hillary accomplished? No famous parents and not even one sex tape! Preach on, Newt. Preach on.  Read more on Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention…
  the internet was nice while it lasted

Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It

OMG! Did you guys hear that the Internet is being given away? Quick! Download all the dirtiest porn you can, because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY FOREVER! YES, GODDAMIT, THIS DOES TOO DESERVE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE INTERNET WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. At least, that’s what we are hearing. Are you freaking out yet? FREAK OUT, DAMMIT. Wait, we are hearing that there is a small chance of an over-reaction by everyone. Perhaps you should rein it in, Dear Reader, and calm the fuck down. No need to freak out all the time just because some crazy website told you to. Here’s the deal, straight from the Commerce Department, via Media Matters: To support and enhance the multistakeholder model of Internet policymaking and governance, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) today announces its intent to transition key Internet domain name functions to the global multistakeholder community. In non-government speak, the Washington Post helpfully explains, “U.S. officials announced plans Friday to relinquish federal government control over the administration of the Internet.” Apparently, in a transition that has been in the works since 1998, there will soon be a global governing body to help keep the Internet running smoothly and full of all the Interracial Siberian Threesomes your eyeballs can handle. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It…
  Ghost Harvey Milk would like a word with you

Nice Time: LZ Granderson Plays “You Might Be A Homophobe If…” With Homophobe Ken Cuccinelli

Fecal protoplasm Ken Cuccinnelli was on Crossfire yesterday because when you are a losing loser who just lost a governor’s race and has seen legislators and judges roll back bills and causes you championed, it is very important for America to keep hearing from you (see also Romney, Mitt). Normally yr Wonkette would just leave Cooch to his sad future of going on basic cable shows to shrilly denounce the modern world as it passes him by until he is reduced to appearing at Rotary dinners in the middle of nowhere in Iowa with other has-beens like Phyllis Schlafly. But that is in the future. Today we can still watch ol’ Cooch squirm under an epic shitdown like this one from writer and gay rights activist LZ Granderson, who does not mince (no pun intended) words while handing Cooch his own ass. It is a glorious thing to watch. Read more on Nice Time: LZ Granderson Plays “You Might Be A Homophobe If…” With Homophobe Ken Cuccinelli…
  deep in the fart of texas

Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet

So Ted Nugent. We have discussed him and his real purty mouth. (He called Barack Obama a chimpanzee and subhuman mongrel, which didn’t even crack that day’s purty-things Top 10, probably.) The Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott, who is running against Wendy Davis for Texas Gub, campaigned with the Nugemonster the other day, and then this really weird thing happened: the media kept asking Abbott why he would do that. They were like, no, really, why? even after Greg Abbott refused to answer! That is weird, right? Did any CNN type people ask Mitt Romney the same thing, back when Ted Nugent was campaigning with him while also flapping his big manly jaws about murdering Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton with machine guns? Or that time he kindly offered to blow that CBS dude and rape his producer? That was fun. But now the media isn’t just asking Greg Abbott about his embrace of the Nuge. They’re asking errebody. They are asking Rick Perry, and Ted Cruz, and Newt Gingrich, whether they agree with Ted Nugent that Barack Obama is a “subhuman mongrel.” And then an EVEN WEIRDER THING HAPPENED! Rick Perry and Ted Cruz said no, they do not agree! (Ted Cruz was still a total dick about it, though, because “Ted Cruz.”*) Newt Gingrich, as is his wont, blamed the media. But they didn’t even have to ask Rand Paul whether he agreed, because he was already tweeting about it all by himself, about how “not cool, Ted Nugent,” and this made all the wingnuts :( that Rand Paul was murdering Ted Nugent’s frist amenmunt rights, by disagreeing with him. Read more on Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet…
  free speech for me but not for thee

Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp

We know everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that a conservative christian reality teevee star thinks that gays are super-icky because who would want buttsechs in the bumbum when the sweet sweet vajayjay is RIGHT THERE for the taking?!? In fact, we know many women who completely agree that the vajayjay is, indeed, rather awesome. Read more on Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp…
  that's not racial transcendence

Newt Gingrich So Mad At MSNBC For Forcing Conservatives To Be Racist About Nelson Mandela

Last week, Newt Gingrich put out what he described as a “heartfelt” statement about the passing of Nelson Mandela. (No, you’re not really supposed to describe your own work as “heartfelt,” but in the annals of Gingrichian self-regard, this is probably as minor as it gets.) Back in the ’80s, Gingrich had in fact (for once) been on the right side of history, as he argued the Reagan administration should fight Apartheid instead of lovingly fellating the Afrikaner government that was then stomping on the throats of the black majority. Well, ol Newton got a bit of pushback from people who were very ANGRY that he would have kind words for the Kenyan South African Marxist Muslin Terrorist, and he wrote a second piece explaining “shut up is why.” Which is absolutely not news, any of it. Every Republican who has said anything at all not spitty and lynchy about the father of democratic South Africa has been inundated with a bunch of waaaah und drang. But what is news is whose fault it is that Real Merkins are a-bitchin’ and a-hootin’ about that dastardly old Mandz: it is MSNBC’s fault, of course, just like we said in the headline. Read more on Newt Gingrich So Mad At MSNBC For Forcing Conservatives To Be Racist About Nelson Mandela…
  you ain't seen nothin yet

Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy

So, kids, are we having fun with the government shutdown yet? From dieting kids, to cancer kids, to forced family vacations, isn’t Congress just the best?!? American exceptionalism at its finest! However, the fun is just beginning. Because while a government shutdown only causes headaches and pain for U.S. Americans, Congress is determined to share such misery with the rest of the world with another self-made crisis: the debt ceiling! Because sharing is caring! What’s this debt ceiling, you ask. Well, it is the statutory limit of borrowing for the Treasury Department, kind of like a credit card limit, but a super-platinum one where you get to set your own limit. If we can set our own limit, how can there possibly be a problem? Silly Wonkeroos, we have but one answer for you: House GOP. Let’s wonksplore, shall we?  Read more on Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy…
  must not see tv

Tonight! Crossfire Returns To America’s Airwaves, Twitters, Facebooks, MySpaces, and Sonograms

Oh god so there is a new Crossfire? Apparently there is a new Crossfire. We had remained blissfully unaware of this because we did good things in a former life. The Editrix told us we had to write a thing about it, though, so the first thing we did was head on over to the Google to learn more about this exciting new endeavor that kicks off with Newt Gingrich and some lady that is not Newt Gingrich nor many of the Mrs. Newt Gingriches. OH AND WE JUST FOUND OUT IT STARTS IN 17 MINUTES, AT 6:30 EASTERN. HURRY! HURRY TO THE TEEVEE FOR YOUR CROSSFIRE OH NO YOU ARE GOING TO MISS IT WHAT WILL YOU DOOOOOOOOOO!!1! Read more on Tonight! Crossfire Returns To America’s Airwaves, Twitters, Facebooks, MySpaces, and Sonograms…
  repeal me a grape

BREAKING! HOUSE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE! HISTORIC MOVE PORTENDS FUTURE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE!

So the House voted — for the 38th and 39th times, since there’s two different bills — to strangle Obamacare in its cradle, which pretty much means it was Wednesday. But this time it is Historic, because Newt Gingrich said it is. (Best footnote: Newt’s Twitter page still has a “Newt 2012″ campaign banner on it. History!) Elsewhere, in reality, the Department of Health and Human Services is preparing a report showing that in 11 states where insurance exchanges have been set up, rates for insurance plans will actually be lower than Congressional Budget Office projections. But they would say that, wouldn’t they? Read more on BREAKING! HOUSE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE! HISTORIC MOVE PORTENDS FUTURE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE!…
  my primary function is failure

Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President

In deciding to run for President in 2012, Mitt Romney ignored his family’s advice and his own vote in an informal family poll, according to an upcoming campaign book obtained by the Huffington Post. Sam Stein reports that over the 2010 Christmas holiday, the Romney family took a vote on whether he should run for President in 2012. Of the twelve votes, 10 were against the idea, including Mitt himself. Refusing to see this an inevitable foreshadowing of the rest of the country, and unable to override the “% become POTUS” command line in his programming, Romney was left with no choice but to run anyway. Read more on Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President…