Tag Archives: newt gingrich

  introducing john kasizzzzzzzzzz

John Kasich Explores Presidential Bid, Hopes Everyone Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Vote For Him

Basically Tim Pawlenty with slightly more experience. Whatever happened to T-Paw anyway?
Everyone scoot over, we’ve got another passenger for the Republican clown car. John Kasich, the colorless blob of wheat germ currently serving as governor of Ohio, is on an eight-state speaking tour that just coincidentally happens to include South Carolina, home of one of the nation’s early primaries. Even more coincidentally, news of his trip first leaked to the Washington Post last week, which meant a write-up from WaPo political reporter Robert Costa this week. Let us take a look at the latest boring white guy we might be writing jokes about for the next year. (Please kill us.) Read more on John Kasich Explores Presidential Bid, Hopes Everyone Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Vote For Him…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
  history is written by the inept

Conservatives Continue Rewriting History, Because They Are Dumb

And no, the London Underground was not a political movement.
Oh conservatives, you and your wacky knowledge of American history. Where would we be without it? (We would be, collectively as a nation, much better-educated.) We always enjoy remembering, for example, that Thanksgiving celebrates the Pilgrims’ victory over the scourge of socialism, which everyone knows they practiced 200 years before the birth of Karl Marx. Thanks, Professor Limbaugh. Read more on Conservatives Continue Rewriting History, Because They Are Dumb…
  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Definitely winning
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…
  department of silver linings

Fox News Displeased: California Begins Releasing Hardened Children From Juvie

Hardened criminals to now be released from chain gangs early.
One of the few bright spots for liberals in Tuesday’s “tectonic skullfucking” of an election was the passing of progressive ballot initiatives in various states. In California, voters passed Proposition 47, which reclassifies some nonviolent property and drug crime felonies as misdemeanors and could allow as many as 10,000 convicted felons to apply for resentencing and earlier release from the state’s seriously overcrowded prisons. Also, courts are expected to file about 40,000 fewer felony charges annually. Read more on Fox News Displeased: California Begins Releasing Hardened Children From Juvie…
  But what is he really trying to say?!?

Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children

Subtle!
Because it is exactly three weeks to Election Day, it is also the time for desperate candidates who are going to be very sad on Election Day night to whip out the Hail Mary ads because why not? Read more on Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children…
  the tyranny of choice

Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now

Reince Priebus tweeted out an invitation today to go “Pick who you want to be the next president,” via the RNC’s excellent new survey toy. And what a broad selection of fine candidates there is, even though no one’s announced yet, even at this late date. The choices include people who will almost definitely run (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio), some last hurrah losers of previous campaigns (Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum), as well as some solid “Who’s that again?” names for the veepstakes (Mike Pence, Brian Sandoval). And then there’s a few people we’d love to see in the race solely because they’d be excellent sources of blog posts (John Bolton, Sarah Palin, Allen West). But where’s Elder Statesman Mitt Romney? Read more on Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now…
  celebrity jeopardy

Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention

Normally, we rely on our sister site, HappyNiceTimePeople.com, to cover people who are famous for being famous. But every now and then, some no-talent celebrity decides to wade into politics, despite a complete lack of resume and credentials, and we are forced to mock them back to the realm of do-nothingness. Giant-headed moon enthusiast Newt Gingrich helpfully brought the latest sad sack wanna-be politician to our attention, per Raw Story: “First Lady, Senator, Secretary Clinton is very famous for being famous,” Gingrich opined. “And as long as she can continue to be famous, she will be famous.” Seriously, what has Hillary accomplished? No famous parents and not even one sex tape! Preach on, Newt. Preach on.  Read more on Washed-Up Has-Been Newt Gingrich Tired Of Famous-For-Nothing Hillary Clinton Getting So Much Attention…
  the internet was nice while it lasted

Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It

OMG! Did you guys hear that the Internet is being given away? Quick! Download all the dirtiest porn you can, because THE INTERNET IS ABOUT TO GO AWAY FOREVER! YES, GODDAMIT, THIS DOES TOO DESERVE ALL CAPS BECAUSE THE INTERNET WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. At least, that’s what we are hearing. Are you freaking out yet? FREAK OUT, DAMMIT. Wait, we are hearing that there is a small chance of an over-reaction by everyone. Perhaps you should rein it in, Dear Reader, and calm the fuck down. No need to freak out all the time just because some crazy website told you to. Here’s the deal, straight from the Commerce Department, via Media Matters: To support and enhance the multistakeholder model of Internet policymaking and governance, the U.S. Commerce Department’s National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) today announces its intent to transition key Internet domain name functions to the global multistakeholder community. In non-government speak, the Washington Post helpfully explains, “U.S. officials announced plans Friday to relinquish federal government control over the administration of the Internet.” Apparently, in a transition that has been in the works since 1998, there will soon be a global governing body to help keep the Internet running smoothly and full of all the Interracial Siberian Threesomes your eyeballs can handle. Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on Obama Will Murder All Your Porn And Cat Videos, Too Bad, Suck It…
  Ghost Harvey Milk would like a word with you

Nice Time: LZ Granderson Plays “You Might Be A Homophobe If…” With Homophobe Ken Cuccinelli

Fecal protoplasm Ken Cuccinnelli was on Crossfire yesterday because when you are a losing loser who just lost a governor’s race and has seen legislators and judges roll back bills and causes you championed, it is very important for America to keep hearing from you (see also Romney, Mitt). Normally yr Wonkette would just leave Cooch to his sad future of going on basic cable shows to shrilly denounce the modern world as it passes him by until he is reduced to appearing at Rotary dinners in the middle of nowhere in Iowa with other has-beens like Phyllis Schlafly. But that is in the future. Today we can still watch ol’ Cooch squirm under an epic shitdown like this one from writer and gay rights activist LZ Granderson, who does not mince (no pun intended) words while handing Cooch his own ass. It is a glorious thing to watch. Read more on Nice Time: LZ Granderson Plays “You Might Be A Homophobe If…” With Homophobe Ken Cuccinelli…
  deep in the fart of texas

Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet

So Ted Nugent. We have discussed him and his real purty mouth. (He called Barack Obama a chimpanzee and subhuman mongrel, which didn’t even crack that day’s purty-things Top 10, probably.) The Texas Attorney General, Greg Abbott, who is running against Wendy Davis for Texas Gub, campaigned with the Nugemonster the other day, and then this really weird thing happened: the media kept asking Abbott why he would do that. They were like, no, really, why? even after Greg Abbott refused to answer! That is weird, right? Did any CNN type people ask Mitt Romney the same thing, back when Ted Nugent was campaigning with him while also flapping his big manly jaws about murdering Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton with machine guns? Or that time he kindly offered to blow that CBS dude and rape his producer? That was fun. But now the media isn’t just asking Greg Abbott about his embrace of the Nuge. They’re asking errebody. They are asking Rick Perry, and Ted Cruz, and Newt Gingrich, whether they agree with Ted Nugent that Barack Obama is a “subhuman mongrel.” And then an EVEN WEIRDER THING HAPPENED! Rick Perry and Ted Cruz said no, they do not agree! (Ted Cruz was still a total dick about it, though, because “Ted Cruz.”*) Newt Gingrich, as is his wont, blamed the media. But they didn’t even have to ask Rand Paul whether he agreed, because he was already tweeting about it all by himself, about how “not cool, Ted Nugent,” and this made all the wingnuts :( that Rand Paul was murdering Ted Nugent’s frist amenmunt rights, by disagreeing with him. Read more on Rand Paul Murders Ted Nugents First Amendment Rights With Machine Gun Of Single Mean Tweet…
  free speech for me but not for thee

Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp

We know everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that a conservative christian reality teevee star thinks that gays are super-icky because who would want buttsechs in the bumbum when the sweet sweet vajayjay is RIGHT THERE for the taking?!? In fact, we know many women who completely agree that the vajayjay is, indeed, rather awesome. Read more on Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp…
  that's not racial transcendence

Newt Gingrich So Mad At MSNBC For Forcing Conservatives To Be Racist About Nelson Mandela

Last week, Newt Gingrich put out what he described as a “heartfelt” statement about the passing of Nelson Mandela. (No, you’re not really supposed to describe your own work as “heartfelt,” but in the annals of Gingrichian self-regard, this is probably as minor as it gets.) Back in the ’80s, Gingrich had in fact (for once) been on the right side of history, as he argued the Reagan administration should fight Apartheid instead of lovingly fellating the Afrikaner government that was then stomping on the throats of the black majority. Well, ol Newton got a bit of pushback from people who were very ANGRY that he would have kind words for the Kenyan South African Marxist Muslin Terrorist, and he wrote a second piece explaining “shut up is why.” Which is absolutely not news, any of it. Every Republican who has said anything at all not spitty and lynchy about the father of democratic South Africa has been inundated with a bunch of waaaah und drang. But what is news is whose fault it is that Real Merkins are a-bitchin’ and a-hootin’ about that dastardly old Mandz: it is MSNBC’s fault, of course, just like we said in the headline. Read more on Newt Gingrich So Mad At MSNBC For Forcing Conservatives To Be Racist About Nelson Mandela…
  you ain't seen nothin yet

Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy

So, kids, are we having fun with the government shutdown yet? From dieting kids, to cancer kids, to forced family vacations, isn’t Congress just the best?!? American exceptionalism at its finest! However, the fun is just beginning. Because while a government shutdown only causes headaches and pain for U.S. Americans, Congress is determined to share such misery with the rest of the world with another self-made crisis: the debt ceiling! Because sharing is caring! What’s this debt ceiling, you ask. Well, it is the statutory limit of borrowing for the Treasury Department, kind of like a credit card limit, but a super-platinum one where you get to set your own limit. If we can set our own limit, how can there possibly be a problem? Silly Wonkeroos, we have but one answer for you: House GOP. Let’s wonksplore, shall we?  Read more on Debt Ceiling Dangles Like Giant Turd Over Global Economy…
  must not see tv

Tonight! Crossfire Returns To America’s Airwaves, Twitters, Facebooks, MySpaces, and Sonograms

Oh god so there is a new Crossfire? Apparently there is a new Crossfire. We had remained blissfully unaware of this because we did good things in a former life. The Editrix told us we had to write a thing about it, though, so the first thing we did was head on over to the Google to learn more about this exciting new endeavor that kicks off with Newt Gingrich and some lady that is not Newt Gingrich nor many of the Mrs. Newt Gingriches. OH AND WE JUST FOUND OUT IT STARTS IN 17 MINUTES, AT 6:30 EASTERN. HURRY! HURRY TO THE TEEVEE FOR YOUR CROSSFIRE OH NO YOU ARE GOING TO MISS IT WHAT WILL YOU DOOOOOOOOOO!!1! Read more on Tonight! Crossfire Returns To America’s Airwaves, Twitters, Facebooks, MySpaces, and Sonograms…
  repeal me a grape

BREAKING! HOUSE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE! HISTORIC MOVE PORTENDS FUTURE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE!

So the House voted — for the 38th and 39th times, since there’s two different bills — to strangle Obamacare in its cradle, which pretty much means it was Wednesday. But this time it is Historic, because Newt Gingrich said it is. (Best footnote: Newt’s Twitter page still has a “Newt 2012″ campaign banner on it. History!) Elsewhere, in reality, the Department of Health and Human Services is preparing a report showing that in 11 states where insurance exchanges have been set up, rates for insurance plans will actually be lower than Congressional Budget Office projections. But they would say that, wouldn’t they? Read more on BREAKING! HOUSE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE! HISTORIC MOVE PORTENDS FUTURE VOTES TO KILL OBAMACARE!…
  my primary function is failure

Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President

In deciding to run for President in 2012, Mitt Romney ignored his family’s advice and his own vote in an informal family poll, according to an upcoming campaign book obtained by the Huffington Post. Sam Stein reports that over the 2010 Christmas holiday, the Romney family took a vote on whether he should run for President in 2012. Of the twelve votes, 10 were against the idea, including Mitt himself. Refusing to see this an inevitable foreshadowing of the rest of the country, and unable to override the “% become POTUS” command line in his programming, Romney was left with no choice but to run anyway. Read more on Romney Voted Against Himself In 2010 Family Poll, Still Had To Run For President…
  Washed in the Blood

Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)

Sometimes, we here at Yr Wonkette poke fun at Christianist America, just for funsies. Any nutjob can believe whatever wackadoodle things floats their boat, and Yr Wonkette would never call for the deaths of Christians. Especially if one of their own is going to do it for us. Ed Brayton is on it like a ravenous jungle beast: David Lane, who is running Rand Paul’s outreach to evangelical voters for his potential presidential run, has a completely unhinged column at the Worldnutdaily calling on Christians to become martyrs in order to stop same-sex marriage — how, exactly? because it will destroy America. The entire article is no longer available because — no lie — it was actually TOO NUTTY for WND. Srsly — here is the link. They took it down. No explanation, but the only thing one can imagine is that David Lane managed to expel such nausea-inducing crazy-talk that was too awful for the Internet’s renowned home for all things awful. And maybe WND thought a call for “martyrdom” might somehow be taken as an invitation for nutbags to strap on explosive vests? Happily, Yr Wonkette and everyone else can read snippets preserved at Dispatches From The Culture Wars and The Immoral Minority, who quoted large sections before it was all gone, like tears in rain, or farts in the wind. Let’s explore! Read more on Rand Paul Aide Has Cunning Plan To Stop Gay Marriage, Seeks Lions Willing To Devour Him (Updated)…
  Hint he wants to call it the "Newt"

Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For ‘Cell Phones’

Newt Gingrich is really puzzled, you guys! Seems the smartest, most-forward thinking politician of our time (and former actor – note that that is his actual size) has a giant confuzzle about what exactly to call these newfangled high-powered phone things that are so much more than a phone. Just look at them! It is not just that you can make calls with these phones. You can also take pictures, shoot videos, check email, watch bukkake porn, play video games, update your Twitter and Facebook statuses, find anonymous sex partners within a hundred feet of your current location, do your taxes, watch bukkake porn, calculate a restaurant tip, locate the nearest methadone clinic, start up your car remotely like Knight Rider, pilot a drone to blow up a Pakistani wedding, watch bukkake porn, and did we mention the bukkake porn? The 21st century – it’s just like they always said it would be at those world fairs! Poor Newt does not understand, then, why we continue to call these magic machines “phones.” Isn’t there some other term that captures the sizzle, the razzle, the dazzle, the sizzle and jizzle of these devices that Newt thought would never exist until at least Buck Rogers’ time? He puts it to the public to come up with a fantastic name for the fantastic more-than-a-phone, because a great thinker and leader like Newt Gingrich cannot be bothered to think about anything going on in the country right now that might be a little more pressing. Read more on Newt Gingrich Sticks To The Important Stuff: Imagineering New Names For ‘Cell Phones’…
  nevar forget

Contest! Caption This Sextorter GOP Creep In An Elephant Costume, With The Gingriches!

This morning, we brought you news of Paul Ryan/Newt Gingrich/Mitt Romney threeway victim and utter creepazoid Adam Savader, and how we (ahem) he was (ALLEGEDLY) sextorting all the pretty girls by hacking their nakey selfies and then threatening to release the pictures of their “tits” and “pussies” to their parents, the RNC, their internships, and the world. Indeed, he seems the perfect picture of a fine young man. Well but! He is also the kind of team player who VOLUNTEERED to act out his furry cosplay fantasies wear the Ellie the Elephant costume at Newt Gingriche’s zoophilia festivals. And here, thanks to CNN, he maybe is! Caption away. Read more on Contest! Caption This Sextorter GOP Creep In An Elephant Costume, With The Gingriches!…
 

CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them

CNN, the fallen child prodigy of television journalism, has spent the majority of its time after the Clinton Impeachment periodically re-branding in an increasingly pathetic attempt to stave off the inevitable decline into irrelevance. The most recent iteration of CNN has involved copying their meth-ed out stripper of a sister channel “HLN” because nothing says “respecting your audience” like savaging them with non-stop Casey Anthony updates. However even this effort ended terribly as CNN continually bungled its Boston Bombing coverage to the point where even your mom was getting decent cracks at their expense on Twitter. Obviously this sort of awfulness calls for a desperate attempt at salvation, and since CNN has no confidence in the intelligence of its viewership, the idea of just recycling an older crappy show makes sense. So it was in that vein that CNN announced earlier this year that they are taking full advantage of Jon Stewart’s temporary absence from TV to re-introduce “CROSSFIRE”, a show featuring the same commentators that you hate in other shows but with MOAR SCREAMING. TV Gold right? Well obviously that depends on the hosts that CNN’s new head, Jeff Zucker (aka the man responsible for the war crime of keeping Donald Trump relevant), chooses from “the right and the left.” But judging from the rumors about who these individuals might be, it is apparent that CNN is done trying to woo viewers and is now just going to hate fuck them into compliance with performance art levels of absurdity. So look out world because Newt fucking Gingrich will be scaring your children while grifting from your grandparents on the tee-vee this summer. Read more on CNN Taking Revenge On Snarky Viewers By Inflicting Newt Gingrich On Them…
  red badge of courage

Arizona Fires Veterans’ Administration Secretary Just For Telling Truth About Ladies And The Rag

This fine specimen of Arizonianinity, Terri Proud, knows what is up with ladies on the frontlines, and that is that they get infections in foxholes. Wait, no, that was Newt Gingrich. Right, here is what Terri Proud, executive assistant to the director of Arizona’s Veterans Services department, said: “Women have certain things during the month I’m not sure they should be out there dealing with. I don’t know how to address that topic in a very diplomatic manner.” And now she has been fired, and her boss has resigned, and even Jan Brewer is all up in her lady business, because before Proud was a secretary at some agency, she was a one-term lawmaker who said idiot things about ‘bortions, and Jan Brewer had already told Proud’s boss not to hire her, and just what kind of Wingnut Welfare for idiots who are too stupid to quality for Koch Cash is Arizona running over there? Read more on Arizona Fires Veterans’ Administration Secretary Just For Telling Truth About Ladies And The Rag…