Tag Archives: newsmax

  restoring honor to the white house

Brother Of George W. Bush Simply Does Not Care For Childish Cuss-Monger Barack Obama ‘Coarsening’ Presidency

Jeb Bush, the former Florida governor and brother of greatest US American president in the history of the world, George W. “W.” Bush, thinks one certain current US American president Barack Q. Nobummer is a childish 10-year-old child — a “boy,” if you will — who uses barnyard words like “bullshitter” and thus has demeaned the presidency forever so why would you even tell your kids they could be president someday anymore, what do you want them to do, grow up to be black?! [I]n an interview with Rolling Stone, Obama used a barnyard epithet to refer to Romney. “You know, kids have good instincts,” Obama said. “They look at the other guy and say, ‘Well, that’s a bull***tter, I can tell.’” Asked if the president’s personal attacks demean the office of the presidency, [Jeb] Bush replied: “It does, but here’s the sad reality: We have a temporary time in American history where our culture has been coarsened, where people’s expectations are low. We’re living in a different time. Fuck, you guys, Nobummer said a swear! Read more on Brother Of George W. Bush Simply Does Not Care For Childish Cuss-Monger Barack Obama ‘Coarsening’ Presidency…
  i say she is a witch

Fringe Catholic Nut-Job Says Michelle Obama Got Hillary’s Christmas Tree Decoration Crack Pipes

What is it with these Democratic First Ladies? First Hillary Clinton put dildoes and crack pipes all over the White House Holiday Bush, and now Michelle Obama is decorating her Holiday Bush with pictures of drag queens and Mao Tse Tung! What is next? Jars with rapebortions in them? PROBABLY. From the fever dreams of the “Catholic” League’s fringey nut job, Bill Donohue, and the first installment of his very TL; DR on Obama’s War on Religion: Christmas did not escape without controversy. For reasons never explained, the White House Christmas tree was adorned with ornaments depicting drag queens and mass murderers (Mao Zedong was featured; he killed 77 million of his own people). Read more on Fringe Catholic Nut-Job Says Michelle Obama Got Hillary’s Christmas Tree Decoration Crack Pipes…
  eye of the tiger

Check-Kiting Swindler Newt Gingrich Says He Is Rocky And Reagan On ‘Newsmax.tv’ (VIDEO)

Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud Newt Gingrich has had an embarrassing day. Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers, instead he is busy getting laughed at for bouncing a $500 check for Utah’s ballot filing fee. Newsmax.tv got to EXCLUSIVELY INTERVIEW His Corpulence, but shockingly they did not ask him about this hilarious news. Instead they just let him go on with your typical boilerplate of “drill” and “Etch a Sketch” and “I am Rocky Balboa and Reagan” and “when do my V Lizardoid Queen Consort and I get to go back to Greece.” Well, you could go now, you know. Bet Mitt Romney would even generously pay for the Greyhound tickets! Read more on Check-Kiting Swindler Newt Gingrich Says He Is Rocky And Reagan On ‘Newsmax.tv’ (VIDEO)…
  the king of comedy

Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate

Donald Trump, America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil, has bravely decided to follow all the GOP candidates for president by dropping out of the clown-show Republican debate he was scheduled to host. This is an unmitigated tragedy for political comedy and the “post-Xmas doldrums,” but Trump hates America and he obviously hates comedy, so these are the breaks. According to the Fox News Twitter Channel (?), Trump just put out this statement: “I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.” NOOOOOOOOOO. Read more on Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate…
  vote them off the planet

Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate

Remember a few months ago when the Republicans were excited about … right, Donald Trump? And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.” His multi-million ill-gotten fortune couldn’t have been the problem, because Mitt’s still in. The serial adultery and divorces and tacky new wives? Nope, Newt’s still around. Being mentally ill? Hasn’t stopped Bachmann! What about the basic ignorance and stupidity? Rick Perry hasn’t quit the race, and it’s not what’s making Herman Cain quit, either. Maybe it was his national joke of a hairpiece? Whatever the reason, Donald Trump was at least as qualified as all the other GOP candidates combined, so now he gets the consolation prize of moderating a Republican debate, presumably because Kermit the Frog had a prior commitment (and some morals). Read more on Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate…
  new study proves it

Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear

A new Fox News poll says 71% of Republicans don’t want quitter-grifter Sarah Palin in the 2012 race. But why? Isn’t she still fun? No? Apparently not. She is a worn-out old circus hag, and even teabaggers have noticed that the only thing she cares about is getting media attention for Sarah Palin. Could the Wasilla creep’s celebrity gravy train finally be breaking down? We hope so! We also hope the Palins do what every white-trash lotto-winning family always does, which is piss through the whole insane fortune in a couple of years and wind up destitute. That toothless crone selling meth in the bathroom at the Anchorage train station in 2020 is likely to be one-time vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin! Read more on Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear…
  crash

Right Wing Website Fantasizes About Palin Colliding Into Bachmann

Fun webzine NewsMax mostly sends the Wonkette tips line weird spam about timeshares and sex pills, but it also posts lots of made-up news about middle-aged pinups Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Apparently, there can be only one sexy grandma in the Republican Party — it’s kind of just for old white dudes who completely plan to become rich someday soon, somehow — so the thought of Sarah Palin renting a tour bus in D.C. while Michele Bachmann plans to visit her mythological birthplace beneath a soybean silo in Iowa, well that’s just too much. Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots? Read more on Right Wing Website Fantasizes About Palin Colliding Into Bachmann…
  rat king

Newsmax Says Trump Will Announce On His TeeVee Show He Will Announce

If you wonder whether Donald Trump is serious about running for president, tune in to the finale of “The Celebrity Apprentice” on May 15. Trump plans to say on the NBC show that he will be holding a press conference a few days after the May 15th show. At that press conference in the Trump Tower in New York, Trump will be announcing his candidacy for the presidency. Read more on Newsmax Says Trump Will Announce On His TeeVee Show He Will Announce…
  dept. of i should know

Lying Warmonger Judith Miller Blasts Assange For Not Verifying Info

Disgraced Newsmax “reporter” (government neo-con lie re-spewer) Judith Miller is also on Fox News, it turns out, because they hire commentators based on how many war crimes they’re responsible for. (Even though nobody on Fox & Friends can understand what Genghis Khan is saying.) According to Miller, who yes, blindly spread the lies given her by warmongers in the government in order to explode the Middle East, Julian Assange is a bad journalist “because he didn’t care at all about attempting to verify the information that he was putting out or determine whether or not it would hurt anyone.” Thank God we have this paragon of journalistic ethics to help us judge Julian Assange. Read more on Lying Warmonger Judith Miller Blasts Assange For Not Verifying Info…
  new jeff gannons

Disgraced Iraq-Enabling Reporter Judith Miller Winds Up At Newsmax

Judith Miller was once an important war reporter person at The New York Times, but then she was sent to jail. But not for writing up fake stories about weapons of mass destruction that helped the Bush administration wage an illegal war! No, it was because she protected Scooter Libby’s telling her the name of Valerie Plame, another person from that decade. Anyway, Miller has finally found an actual journalism job, and it’s with Newsmax, which is rather hilarious, because that’s not really quite journalism, especially for a former Times reporter. Let us look at the stupid e-mails those people have sent us recently and use them to make fun of her. Read more on Disgraced Iraq-Enabling Reporter Judith Miller Winds Up At Newsmax…
  oh god give it to us michele

Michele Bachmann Being Coy About Impeaching Obama

The Teabagger Caucus’ Dear Leader Michele Bachmann was on Newsmax.TV (hah!) and was asked about Tom Tancredo’s suggestion that President Obama should be impeached for not securing the border. So obviously she shrieked, “Yea! Yea! He hath betrayed us! Throwen he in ye dungeon!” EXCEPT SHE DIDN’T. “Whether or not this is an impeachable offense is one that the Congress would have to make a determination on.” Oh, stop leading us on, Michele! You know it’s an impeachable offense! Read more on Michele Bachmann Being Coy About Impeaching Obama…
  it's father's day and everybody's wounded

Remind Your Dad Why He Sucks With This Ronald Reagan Father’s Day Outrage

Is your dad an angry old wingnut? Is he also still alive? Well here is a gift for the upcoming “thing after Mother’s Day” occasion, “Father’s Day.” It’s from NewsMax, the great online Internet webzine/old-people newsletter that will soon own Newsweek if the Kaplan School Testing Company is run by people with a sense of the absurd. And nothing says, “Dad, you are a cold, dumb jerk” like giving him a six-year-old copy of the NewsMax newsletter with the cover story by Michael “Reagan,” the unwanted adopted doorstop that Nancy and Ronnie somehow wound up with, following a hilarious mishap while trying to order some Harry & David baskets for their lawyers. Read more on Remind Your Dad Why He Sucks With This Ronald Reagan Father’s Day Outrage…
  almost as glamorous as blogging

It’s Not Too Late To Buy Newsweek!

Are you interested in being “part of the national conversation” and owning a still living relic of a bygone publishing ecosystem? Well, you still have a few hours left to put in a bid on Newsweek, if you have a few million dollars lying around. Don’t worry, Kaplan Test Prep’s unprofitable publishing arm will probably take on most of the thing’s debt, just so its high-level officers don’t have to have the experience of spotting the magazine mouldering in a gutter somewhere and thinking “Fuck, do we still publish that?” But believe it or not, you might have some competition for your bid. Who could possibly want this desiccated magazine-corpse? Read more on It’s Not Too Late To Buy Newsweek!…
  today in newsmax emails

Hurry Up And Buy This Fancy Crank-Gear Radio From Newsmax, Before The Terrorists Kill You

Conservative granny-porn outlet Newsmax has discovered the greatest technological device ever conceived and would like to give it to you for free, because the terrorists are coming, and how else are you going to listen to Rush Limbaugh for crucial security updates from your family’s burrowed hole in the backyard? Just crank this gizmo a few times, one two three, just like that. You’re welcome. Newsmax will return in the near future with even more products from its Comically Indiscreet Attempts To Exploit Stupid Peoples’ Fears line of broken children’s toys. Read more on Hurry Up And Buy This Fancy Crank-Gear Radio From Newsmax, Before The Terrorists Kill You…
  america's greatest heroes

Joe Lieberman Can’t Wait To Get Those Republicans Back In Congress

Beloved Connecticut monster Joe Lieberman is relieved. He hasn’t felt comfortable all year with these massive majorities for the party that nominated him for vice president in 2000, the same party with which he caucuses and which grants him numerous chairmanships and senior positions on valuable committees. And that’s why he’s thankful that the Great Pendulum of American Democracy will swing back towards Republicans — America’s true party — in 2010, in the form of a few dozen house seats and a handful of Senate seats, and Capitalism. Read more on Joe Lieberman Can’t Wait To Get Those Republicans Back In Congress…
  the new titanic

Join Subhuman Scumbag Dick Morris & Some Wingnuts For a Terrible Holiday Cruise!

Want to make sure next year is awful, too? Then why not book your passage today on the March 2010 NewsMax.com Love Boat! For as little as $1,349 per person, you can share a tiny claustrophobic inside cabin for seven fucking days and nights on some hideous cruise ship, and during the day you will be forced out on the deck to suck Dick Morris’ toes. (Could be worse. You could have “anus duty.”) Some other wingnuts you’ve never heard of, they’ll be hanging around, too! And if you just won the lottery and need to get rid of that cash, quick, go ahead and spend $17,598 for a single veranda suite on this Death Boat. [NewsMax Cruise] Read more on Join Subhuman Scumbag Dick Morris & Some Wingnuts For a Terrible Holiday Cruise!…