Tag Archives: newsmax

  crash

Right Wing Website Fantasizes About Palin Colliding Into Bachmann

Fun webzine NewsMax mostly sends the Wonkette tips line weird spam about timeshares and sex pills, but it also posts lots of made-up news about middle-aged pinups Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Apparently, there can be only one sexy grandma in the Republican Party — it’s kind of just for old white dudes who completely plan to become rich someday soon, somehow — so the thought of Sarah Palin renting a tour bus in D.C. while Michele Bachmann plans to visit her mythological birthplace beneath a soybean silo in Iowa, well that’s just too much. Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots? Read more on Right Wing Website Fantasizes About Palin Colliding Into Bachmann…
  rat king

Newsmax Says Trump Will Announce On His TeeVee Show He Will Announce

If you wonder whether Donald Trump is serious about running for president, tune in to the finale of “The Celebrity Apprentice” on May 15. Trump plans to say on the NBC show that he will be holding a press conference a few days after the May 15th show. At that press conference in the Trump Tower in New York, Trump will be announcing his candidacy for the presidency. Read more on Newsmax Says Trump Will Announce On His TeeVee Show He Will Announce…
  dept. of i should know

Lying Warmonger Judith Miller Blasts Assange For Not Verifying Info

Disgraced Newsmax “reporter” (government neo-con lie re-spewer) Judith Miller is also on Fox News, it turns out, because they hire commentators based on how many war crimes they’re responsible for. (Even though nobody on Fox & Friends can understand what Genghis Khan is saying.) According to Miller, who yes, blindly spread the lies given her by warmongers in the government in order to explode the Middle East, Julian Assange is a bad journalist “because he didn’t care at all about attempting to verify the information that he was putting out or determine whether or not it would hurt anyone.” Thank God we have this paragon of journalistic ethics to help us judge Julian Assange. Read more on Lying Warmonger Judith Miller Blasts Assange For Not Verifying Info…
  new jeff gannons

Disgraced Iraq-Enabling Reporter Judith Miller Winds Up At Newsmax

Judith Miller was once an important war reporter person at The New York Times, but then she was sent to jail. But not for writing up fake stories about weapons of mass destruction that helped the Bush administration wage an illegal war! No, it was because she protected Scooter Libby’s telling her the name of Valerie Plame, another person from that decade. Anyway, Miller has finally found an actual journalism job, and it’s with Newsmax, which is rather hilarious, because that’s not really quite journalism, especially for a former Times reporter. Let us look at the stupid e-mails those people have sent us recently and use them to make fun of her. Read more on Disgraced Iraq-Enabling Reporter Judith Miller Winds Up At Newsmax…
  oh god give it to us michele

Michele Bachmann Being Coy About Impeaching Obama

The Teabagger Caucus’ Dear Leader Michele Bachmann was on Newsmax.TV (hah!) and was asked about Tom Tancredo’s suggestion that President Obama should be impeached for not securing the border. So obviously she shrieked, “Yea! Yea! He hath betrayed us! Throwen he in ye dungeon!” EXCEPT SHE DIDN’T. “Whether or not this is an impeachable offense is one that the Congress would have to make a determination on.” Oh, stop leading us on, Michele! You know it’s an impeachable offense! Read more on Michele Bachmann Being Coy About Impeaching Obama…
  it's father's day and everybody's wounded

Remind Your Dad Why He Sucks With This Ronald Reagan Father’s Day Outrage

Is your dad an angry old wingnut? Is he also still alive? Well here is a gift for the upcoming “thing after Mother’s Day” occasion, “Father’s Day.” It’s from NewsMax, the great online Internet webzine/old-people newsletter that will soon own Newsweek if the Kaplan School Testing Company is run by people with a sense of the absurd. And nothing says, “Dad, you are a cold, dumb jerk” like giving him a six-year-old copy of the NewsMax newsletter with the cover story by Michael “Reagan,” the unwanted adopted doorstop that Nancy and Ronnie somehow wound up with, following a hilarious mishap while trying to order some Harry & David baskets for their lawyers. Read more on Remind Your Dad Why He Sucks With This Ronald Reagan Father’s Day Outrage…
  almost as glamorous as blogging

It’s Not Too Late To Buy Newsweek!

Are you interested in being “part of the national conversation” and owning a still living relic of a bygone publishing ecosystem? Well, you still have a few hours left to put in a bid on Newsweek, if you have a few million dollars lying around. Don’t worry, Kaplan Test Prep’s unprofitable publishing arm will probably take on most of the thing’s debt, just so its high-level officers don’t have to have the experience of spotting the magazine mouldering in a gutter somewhere and thinking “Fuck, do we still publish that?” But believe it or not, you might have some competition for your bid. Who could possibly want this desiccated magazine-corpse? Read more on It’s Not Too Late To Buy Newsweek!…
  today in newsmax emails

Hurry Up And Buy This Fancy Crank-Gear Radio From Newsmax, Before The Terrorists Kill You

Conservative granny-porn outlet Newsmax has discovered the greatest technological device ever conceived and would like to give it to you for free, because the terrorists are coming, and how else are you going to listen to Rush Limbaugh for crucial security updates from your family’s burrowed hole in the backyard? Just crank this gizmo a few times, one two three, just like that. You’re welcome. Newsmax will return in the near future with even more products from its Comically Indiscreet Attempts To Exploit Stupid Peoples’ Fears line of broken children’s toys. Read more on Hurry Up And Buy This Fancy Crank-Gear Radio From Newsmax, Before The Terrorists Kill You…
  america's greatest heroes

Joe Lieberman Can’t Wait To Get Those Republicans Back In Congress

Beloved Connecticut monster Joe Lieberman is relieved. He hasn’t felt comfortable all year with these massive majorities for the party that nominated him for vice president in 2000, the same party with which he caucuses and which grants him numerous chairmanships and senior positions on valuable committees. And that’s why he’s thankful that the Great Pendulum of American Democracy will swing back towards Republicans — America’s true party — in 2010, in the form of a few dozen house seats and a handful of Senate seats, and Capitalism. Read more on Joe Lieberman Can’t Wait To Get Those Republicans Back In Congress…
  the new titanic

Join Subhuman Scumbag Dick Morris & Some Wingnuts For a Terrible Holiday Cruise!

Want to make sure next year is awful, too? Then why not book your passage today on the March 2010 NewsMax.com Love Boat! For as little as $1,349 per person, you can share a tiny claustrophobic inside cabin for seven fucking days and nights on some hideous cruise ship, and during the day you will be forced out on the deck to suck Dick Morris’ toes. (Could be worse. You could have “anus duty.”) Some other wingnuts you’ve never heard of, they’ll be hanging around, too! And if you just won the lottery and need to get rid of that cash, quick, go ahead and spend $17,598 for a single veranda suite on this Death Boat. [NewsMax Cruise] Read more on Join Subhuman Scumbag Dick Morris & Some Wingnuts For a Terrible Holiday Cruise!…
  the editing process

Newsmax Changed Its Mind About The Need To ‘Exterminate’ Obama’s ‘Pesty’ Socialist Pals

#1 maximum news place, Newsmax, thought twice—or, you know, once—about its new article today that suggested Obama’s socialist and leftist advisers, or “pests,” should be somehow “exterminated.” The piece has since been removed from the Internet and sent to a camp in Poland. Newsmax has won the morning! Read more on Newsmax Changed Its Mind About The Need To ‘Exterminate’ Obama’s ‘Pesty’ Socialist Pals…
  today in newsmax emails

Newsmax Sees Opportunity For Beloved Coup

Absolutely hysterical right-wing war newsletter Newsmax, which recently opined that a military junta should overthrow the executive branch of the United States Government, because of “spending,” is now very seriously concerned about Barack Obama “declaring war on Fox News.” Read more on Newsmax Sees Opportunity For Beloved Coup…
  great moments in online punditry

Important Newsmax Writer Calls For Military Coup, Gets Censored!

Newsmax contributor John L. Perry, the single most important newsman since Horace Greeley and Keith Olbermann combined, wrote a column yesterday about politics. It began like so: “There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the ‘Obama problem.’ Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic.” But what if we want to dismiss it as unrealistic? It doesn’t matter what we want, though, because the secret “editors” at Newsmax have pulled the article. Read more on Important Newsmax Writer Calls For Military Coup, Gets Censored!…
  internet advertising

Get Your Free Gun Before Shit Goes Bananas!

Whoa, Newsmax, what kind of crazy are you sending us on this lazy summer afternoon? WHAT?! Famous millionaire Doctor Pizza is giving away free guns? For the coming race war? Sign us up, for FREE! Seriously go sign up and get these free guns because guess who will get them if you don’t? Read more on Get Your Free Gun Before Shit Goes Bananas!…
  who?

Elderly Wingnut ‘Teen Idol’ Also Wants Personal Copy of Obama’s Birth Certificate

What happens when you’re super angry about a Negro somehow becoming president, but there are no longer specific laws against a Negro becoming president? Make up something else! Better yet, make up something that can never be disproved, to you, because you can just dedicate yourself to saying, “Nah, that is FAKE somehow!” Perfection. And guess who just joined the “Birther” club? Once-famous right-wing asshole and talentless fruitsack Pat Boone, who made a living half a century ago stealing the black man’s music, that’s who. Read more on Elderly Wingnut ‘Teen Idol’ Also Wants Personal Copy of Obama’s Birth Certificate…
 

OH GOD: “Republican John McCain’s campaign has begun holding regular conference calls with leftwing bloggers and blogs that focus on single issues such as healthcare and the environment.” Hey, do we get a call, or have all the references to Cindy McCain being a pill-popper and John McCain being the Antichrist kind of nixed that? Give us a call, WALLLLLLNUTS! [Newsmax] Read more on …
 

Toe-Sucking Cretin Promises To Leave Country

Forgotten scumbag Dick Morris has finally given us a reason to support Hillary in ’08: He says he’ll leave the country if she wins! A corrupt clown who briefly held some Rovian role in the Clinton White House until his gross whoring habits became public knowledge, Morris apparently just says idiotic nonsense on Fox News these days. Appearing on Hannity & Colmes — now hosted by someone named Karen Hanretty, which is pretty close! — Morris offered this surreal 2008 analysis: Read more on Toe-Sucking Cretin Promises To Leave Country…
 

Reagan and Bush Not Included

Is there a better War On Christmas gift than a remaindered $4.99 copy of Ann Coulter’s latest jabberings? Why yes, there is! NewsMax is now offering these beautiful old-people pajamas — or coats or jogging suits or? — free with a subscription to NewsMax! Read more on Reagan and Bush Not Included…
 

For Just $4.99, Show Someone You Don’t Care

What if you hate your relatives in a more direct way? Then here’s the “War on Xmas” gift that will make your sentiments perfectly clear: an old Ann Coulter book from the remainders warehouse. Plus, this gift totally keeps on giving, because NewsMax will also mail your victim four crazy newsletters about Mexicans. Read more on For Just $4.99, Show Someone You Don’t Care…
 

Goldberg vs. Coulter vs. The Rest of Us

It’s like Godzilla vs. Mothra, only it’s even less clear who to cheer against! When we last glimpsed La Coulter, she was playing panties-peekaboo and flapping the otherwise unflappable Donnie Deutsch with the sort of raw grrl power that only a young Maggie Thatcher could muster. Read more on Goldberg vs. Coulter vs. The Rest of Us…