Tag Archives: newsmax

  Can We Afford To Let Obama Return From Overseas?

Wingnuts Pretty Sure It Was Illegals What Gave Measles To All Our Unvaccinated Kids

Too subtle?
Break out the ominous creepyscary music of your choice — we’re partial to Bernard Hermann ourselves — because it’s time to tell some scary horror stories about the California measles outbreak! So far, at least 78 confirmed cases have been disagnosed across 7 states and Mexico; 48 of those have been traced to Disneyland or Disney California Adventure since the outbreak was first identified, and public health officials say that the large number of unvaccinated people is a main cause of the virus’s widespread transmission. Read more on Wingnuts Pretty Sure It Was Illegals What Gave Measles To All Our Unvaccinated Kids…
  Bill Nye Vs. Stupid Part XLVIII

Bill Nye Weeps For Your Stupid Homeschooled Children

Bill Nye (right) talks to A Idiot (left)
We sure like us some Bill Nye. Following up on his February “debate” at the Creation museum, in which he handily took apart the bad science behind that institution, Nye has a book out, Undeniable: Evolution and the Science of Creation. Which is why he braved the dungeon of derp that is Newsmax TV to explain why creationism is simply not good for kids. What it mostly comes down to, of course, is that creationism is bad science — or not science at all, which is the worst science — and that pushing it on kids for the sake of keeping fundamentalist parents happy will have long-term consequences for kids’ ability to function in a world where reality is valued. Read more on Bill Nye Weeps For Your Stupid Homeschooled Children…
  the doctor is in

Dr. Ben Carson: Stop Demonizing Lady-Beater Ray Rice, He Just Needs Our Help

the kindly doctor
When you are trying to run for president without the benefit of current elected office or pre-existing celebrity, you have to make good use of the news cycle. Would-be Republican candidate Dr. Ben Carson did not hesitate to jump on the Ray Rice streetcar as it lumbered past on Monday but refused to pay the Ray-hating fare, insisting instead that the man who laid out his then-fiancée on the floor of an elevator simply needs our help. Read more on Dr. Ben Carson: Stop Demonizing Lady-Beater Ray Rice, He Just Needs Our Help…
  if money is speech he sure was loud

Richard Mellon Scaife Dies, Gets Chance To Compare Notes With Vince Foster

Richard Mellon Scaife, the guy who made a career of inheriting billions from his banking and oil industry forebears and then blowing it on hating the Clintons in the 1990s, died Friday of cancer. Scaife was a central contributor to rightwing attacks on the Clintons, and gave the American Spectator almost $2 million for the “Arkansas Project,” which found pretty much nothing about Bill Clinton’s non-crimes in the Whitewater real estate scandal, and which expanded into the wackaloon idea that the Clintons murdered Vince Foster. Scaife also was instrumental in founding former Wonkette advertiser Newsmax, so we feel compelled to say “So long, and thanks for all the greasy misspent rightwing moneez.” Read more on Richard Mellon Scaife Dies, Gets Chance To Compare Notes With Vince Foster…
  b-b-b-benny and the derps

Ben Carson Civilly Disagrees With You About Your Filthy Sinning Gross Gay Marriage

Good Christ but 2016 seems relentlessly far away when we realize that we will have so much more of Bobby Jindal lurching to the right. No, righter. Keep going. We will have endless exegeses of the meaning of Hillary’s pantsuits. And worst of all we will have to continue to pretend that Ben Carson is both a serious contender and a serious individual instead of a laughable clown. Fresh off his amazing leap in illogic where he explained that government assistance is bad for everyone except Ben Carson’s mom, we now have Ben Carson’s Grand Compromise about the gays, which is basically STFU about your stupid gay marriage, gays, and in return you get more STFU. Read more on Ben Carson Civilly Disagrees With You About Your Filthy Sinning Gross Gay Marriage…
  see also: kissinger wins nobel peace prize

Oliver North Worried That Bergdahl Swap May Have Financed Terrorists. Yes, That Oliver North.

OK, this is just going to be a shortpost because it is already getting late and we have been typing all day but Holy Blessed Jumped-Up Jesus On A Skateboard ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Oliver North is Very Concerned that a ransom may have been paid for the release of Bowe Bergdahl, which would be terrible because you just NEVER give money — or missiles, or so much cocaine — to terrorists. Read more on Oliver North Worried That Bergdahl Swap May Have Financed Terrorists. Yes, That Oliver North….
  give me some money

Newsmax Decides Giving Thousands Of Dollars To Wonkette Not A Great Use Of Dick Morris’s Money

Some time ago — who can know when, really, without “opening our spreadsheet” and “looking at it” — rightwing nutjob direct mail trillionaires Newsmax started sending your Wonkette many many tens of dollars per month to put their newsfeed over there, in our sidebar. Read more on Newsmax Decides Giving Thousands Of Dollars To Wonkette Not A Great Use Of Dick Morris’s Money…
  cruisin

Why Is Barack Obama Trying To Arrest Beloved White Pop Singer Pat Boone?

Thanks a lot, BARACK NOBAMA and his New Black Panther Attorney General No-Eric Holder! First you came for the Democrats, sure, but Michelle Malkin was right: that was just a smokescreen for when you would eventually try to arrest Pat Boone! Now, we hate to criticize our partner in crime and giving us money, Newsmax, but their story on the imminent arrest of beloved white entertainer / rightwing crackpot Pat Boone does not make a lot of sense. Rather, it makes no sense. But let’s not let that stop us from using it as our only source to try to figure out why the fuck some judge, obviously working for the dastardly Obaministration, wants Pat Boone to go to JAIL. Read more on Why Is Barack Obama Trying To Arrest Beloved White Pop Singer Pat Boone?…
  what will the fox say?

RINOS At Newsmax Starting Cable Channel To Attack Fox From Middle, With This One Weird Trick

Our good friends at Newsmax — please click their linkies on the right side of your screen, to give Yr Wonket moneez — are going to be starting up an exciting and important cable teevee channel in June that we will never ever watch. (Who are we kidding, we will probably find all sorts of fine stories there, as well as some vitamin supplements.) According to BusinessWeek, NewsmaxTV will be aimed at “conservatives who feel Fox has drifted too far to the right,” which should at the very least make for some interesting Free Republic posts about the liberal RINOs at the new network. BusinessWeek devotes about 40 million words to fluffing Newsmax founder Chris Ruddy, who seems nice as long as you bar from your mind his central role in promoting the story that Vince Foster and a bunch of other people were murdered by Hillary Clinton so she could feed on their pineal glands. But now he’s besties with the Clintons, so no harm, no foul. But you know what, if they want to give Yr Wonkette sweet rightwing delusion dollars to advertise their new dumb network, we will take them because free enterprise. And then we will make fun of their anchors’ dumb hair and dumber stories. Read more on RINOS At Newsmax Starting Cable Channel To Attack Fox From Middle, With This One Weird Trick…
  i have a dream that all god's children will shut up and enjoy being americans

Newsmax Guy Wishes Blacks Would Shut Up Already

So here is your big serving of racial transcendence for today: Kevin Jackson, author of a book with the subtle title The BIG Black Lie: How I Learned The Truth About The Democrat Party, explaining to Newsmax’s Ron Christie that he is just sick and tired of whiny American blacks and all their racism and race-baiting against white people, because on a per capita basis, African-Americans are the richest black people on the planet. Mr. Jackson has also announced a corresponding project to end poverty by have Bill Gates occasionally drop by homeless shelters, thus ensuring that everyone there has an average net worth in the millions. Read more on Newsmax Guy Wishes Blacks Would Shut Up Already…
  biting the filthy hand that feeds us redux

Donald Trump Declares Newsmax The Kindest, Bravest, Warmest, Most Wonderful Website He’s Ever Known

All of us here at Yr Wonkette have a singleminded devotion to pursuing the news, finding the truth of the day’s events, sifting the truth from the lies, and then making a bunch of peener jokes about all that. And what better source of news, incidental revenue, and right-wing peeners than Newsmax, with its rich heritage of support from truth-seekers like William Casey, Richard Mellon Scaife, Alexander Haig, and Michael Reagan? But mostly it gets its filthy lucre from Dick Morris? Wait, why DO we have an RSS feed from them again? Oh, yes, the money. The sweet, sweet revenue from people who hate our filthy liberal guts and whose journamalism is always above reproach, even when it’s dead wrong. And you know who else thinks Newsmax is pretty awesome? It was in the headline, did you get it? Read more on Donald Trump Declares Newsmax The Kindest, Bravest, Warmest, Most Wonderful Website He’s Ever Known…
  journamalism

How Is Obama Murdering Ronald Reagan With His Bare Black Hands Today?

Hey, did you guys hear this not at all completely hypothetical and fictional and made up (that is what “fictional” means) story about how Barack Obama is personally going to tear down Ronald Reagan’s childhood home with his bare black hands? So he can put his presidential library on it? Why would he even need a presidential library? What is he, some kind of “celebrity”? Oh, right, the story is hypothetical and fictional and made up and isn’t gonna happen? But Newsmax and Fox News and the conservative guy at Mediaite reported that it is? Imagine that. Here is the lede to Marti Lotman’s story in Newsmax. The University of Chicago Medical Center has announced plans to turn Ronald Reagan’s childhood home in Chicago into a parking lot for President Barack Obama’s library. Would you believe every single word in that lede is wrong? Whaaaaa? Read more on How Is Obama Murdering Ronald Reagan With His Bare Black Hands Today?…
  how is babby formed?

When Dick Morris And Newsmax Love Each Other Very Much …

It has been a month since the Presidential election exposed the rotting flesh of Dick Morris’ underbelly, and he won’t stand by idly while people call him a fool! Morris has just released a super in-depth analysis of why Mitt Romney lost on his ultra snappy website, and it’s not that same old “he got less votes than the other guy” line you’ve heard from pundits who aren’t as good at swimming in their own bullshit. It also isn’t because minorities have increased their share of the vote – no, rest easy good citizens; Dick assures us whites are still important as ever if they’d just GET OUT AND VOTE. (Dick Morris is wrong.) But it is possible — we’re just asking — that Dick Morris’s real purpose in the election wasn’t polling or punditing or whatever it was he thought he was doing, but rather was fleecing people who read Newsmax? People who read Newsmax … like you??? Read more on When Dick Morris And Newsmax Love Each Other Very Much ……
  pix or it didnt happen

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’

By all appearances, Frederick W. Humphries II, 47, has asked his remaining friends in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to reach out to The New York Times and speak as glowingly of his character as certain other people have spoken of certain other people’s maternal love. Wait, what? Oh, don’t worry about it. You guys, we got our SHIRTLESS FBI GUY!!1! (Photo from Seattle Times.) “Fred is a passionate kind of guy,” said one former colleague. “He’s kind of an obsessive type. If he locked his teeth onto something, he’d be a bulldog.” That description would appear to fit his involvement in the current investigation. Oh, New York Times, how we love it when you’re a catty bitch. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’…
  journamalism

Newsmax Reporter: Petraeus Affair Endangered National Security, Per Egregious, Totally Fine FBI Leak

What have our rightwing torture chamber pals at Newsmax been up to lately? Well, according to “chief Washington correspondent” Ronald Kessler, they’ve just cold been getting leaks from disgruntled Fibbies about retired spook-in-chief David Petraeus’s office boffings since October. Ronald Kessler is very outraged about the national security implications of this! Oh wait, no. Ronald Kessler thinks it is fine that an unclearanced person such as himself is getting fed “sensitive” information (just the tip!) about national security from the FBI. On Oct. 10, I was contacted by a longtime FBI source who told me that a bureau investigation had uncovered Petraeus’ affair with a journalist and that it could potentially jeopardize national security. Hmmm, what else might jeopardize national security? Like, maybe leaking serious shit to people from Newsmax? The veteran agent related to me that FBI agents assigned to the case were outraged by what were they were told by senior officials: The FBI was going to hold in limbo their findings until after the election. Oh, right. That’s what endangers national security. Read more on Newsmax Reporter: Petraeus Affair Endangered National Security, Per Egregious, Totally Fine FBI Leak…
  restoring honor to the white house

Brother Of George W. Bush Simply Does Not Care For Childish Cuss-Monger Barack Obama ‘Coarsening’ Presidency

Jeb Bush, the former Florida governor and brother of greatest US American president in the history of the world, George W. “W.” Bush, thinks one certain current US American president Barack Q. Nobummer is a childish 10-year-old child — a “boy,” if you will — who uses barnyard words like “bullshitter” and thus has demeaned the presidency forever so why would you even tell your kids they could be president someday anymore, what do you want them to do, grow up to be black?! [I]n an interview with Rolling Stone, Obama used a barnyard epithet to refer to Romney. “You know, kids have good instincts,” Obama said. “They look at the other guy and say, ‘Well, that’s a bull***tter, I can tell.’” Asked if the president’s personal attacks demean the office of the presidency, [Jeb] Bush replied: “It does, but here’s the sad reality: We have a temporary time in American history where our culture has been coarsened, where people’s expectations are low. We’re living in a different time. Fuck, you guys, Nobummer said a swear! Read more on Brother Of George W. Bush Simply Does Not Care For Childish Cuss-Monger Barack Obama ‘Coarsening’ Presidency…
  i say she is a witch

Fringe Catholic Nut-Job Says Michelle Obama Got Hillary’s Christmas Tree Decoration Crack Pipes

What is it with these Democratic First Ladies? First Hillary Clinton put dildoes and crack pipes all over the White House Holiday Bush, and now Michelle Obama is decorating her Holiday Bush with pictures of drag queens and Mao Tse Tung! What is next? Jars with rapebortions in them? PROBABLY. From the fever dreams of the “Catholic” League’s fringey nut job, Bill Donohue, and the first installment of his very TL; DR on Obama’s War on Religion: Christmas did not escape without controversy. For reasons never explained, the White House Christmas tree was adorned with ornaments depicting drag queens and mass murderers (Mao Zedong was featured; he killed 77 million of his own people). Read more on Fringe Catholic Nut-Job Says Michelle Obama Got Hillary’s Christmas Tree Decoration Crack Pipes…
  eye of the tiger

Check-Kiting Swindler Newt Gingrich Says He Is Rocky And Reagan On ‘Newsmax.tv’ (VIDEO)

Humanesque check-kiting shit-pie fraud Newt Gingrich has had an embarrassing day. Where he should have been eating pouty dick Rick Santorum’s brains to garner his fallen opponent’s powers, instead he is busy getting laughed at for bouncing a $500 check for Utah’s ballot filing fee. Newsmax.tv got to EXCLUSIVELY INTERVIEW His Corpulence, but shockingly they did not ask him about this hilarious news. Instead they just let him go on with your typical boilerplate of “drill” and “Etch a Sketch” and “I am Rocky Balboa and Reagan” and “when do my V Lizardoid Queen Consort and I get to go back to Greece.” Well, you could go now, you know. Bet Mitt Romney would even generously pay for the Greyhound tickets! Read more on Check-Kiting Swindler Newt Gingrich Says He Is Rocky And Reagan On ‘Newsmax.tv’ (VIDEO)…
  the king of comedy

Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate

Donald Trump, America’s leading advertisement for burning all rich people to death in vats of poison waste oil, has bravely decided to follow all the GOP candidates for president by dropping out of the clown-show Republican debate he was scheduled to host. This is an unmitigated tragedy for political comedy and the “post-Xmas doldrums,” but Trump hates America and he obviously hates comedy, so these are the breaks. According to the Fox News Twitter Channel (?), Trump just put out this statement: “I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.” NOOOOOOOOOO. Read more on Parody Human Donald Trump Drops Out of His Own Dumb GOP Debate…
  vote them off the planet

Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate

Remember a few months ago when the Republicans were excited about … right, Donald Trump? And then something happened, we never knew exactly what, and he was “no longer a viable candidate.” His multi-million ill-gotten fortune couldn’t have been the problem, because Mitt’s still in. The serial adultery and divorces and tacky new wives? Nope, Newt’s still around. Being mentally ill? Hasn’t stopped Bachmann! What about the basic ignorance and stupidity? Rick Perry hasn’t quit the race, and it’s not what’s making Herman Cain quit, either. Maybe it was his national joke of a hairpiece? Whatever the reason, Donald Trump was at least as qualified as all the other GOP candidates combined, so now he gets the consolation prize of moderating a Republican debate, presumably because Kermit the Frog had a prior commitment (and some morals). Read more on Donald Trump To Moderate Holiday Republican Debate…
  new study proves it

Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear

A new Fox News poll says 71% of Republicans don’t want quitter-grifter Sarah Palin in the 2012 race. But why? Isn’t she still fun? No? Apparently not. She is a worn-out old circus hag, and even teabaggers have noticed that the only thing she cares about is getting media attention for Sarah Palin. Could the Wasilla creep’s celebrity gravy train finally be breaking down? We hope so! We also hope the Palins do what every white-trash lotto-winning family always does, which is piss through the whole insane fortune in a couple of years and wind up destitute. That toothless crone selling meth in the bathroom at the Anchorage train station in 2020 is likely to be one-time vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin! Read more on Fox News: Americans Overwhelmingly Want Sarah Palin To Disappear…
  crash

Right Wing Website Fantasizes About Palin Colliding Into Bachmann

Fun webzine NewsMax mostly sends the Wonkette tips line weird spam about timeshares and sex pills, but it also posts lots of made-up news about middle-aged pinups Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Apparently, there can be only one sexy grandma in the Republican Party — it’s kind of just for old white dudes who completely plan to become rich someday soon, somehow — so the thought of Sarah Palin renting a tour bus in D.C. while Michele Bachmann plans to visit her mythological birthplace beneath a soybean silo in Iowa, well that’s just too much. Will they collide? And then grunt “Reagan” to each other, while tenderly rubbing Mazola on their liver spots? Read more on Right Wing Website Fantasizes About Palin Colliding Into Bachmann…