#1 maximum news place, Newsmax, thought twice—or, you know, once—about its new article today that suggested Obama’s socialist and leftist advisers, or “pests,” should be somehow “exterminated.” The piece has since been removed from the Internet and sent to a camp in Poland. Newsmax has won the morning!

Absolutely hysterical right-wing war newsletter Newsmax, which recently opined that a military junta should overthrow the executive branch of the United States Government, because of “spending,” is now very seriously concerned about Barack Obama “declaring war on Fox News.” MORE »

Newsmax contributor John L. Perry, the single most important newsman since Horace Greeley and Keith Olbermann combined, wrote a column yesterday about politics. It began like so: “There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the ‘Obama problem.’ Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic.” But what if we want to dismiss it as unrealistic? It doesn’t matter what we want, though, because the secret “editors” at Newsmax have pulled the article. MORE »

Whoa, Newsmax, what kind of crazy are you sending us on this lazy summer afternoon? WHAT?! Famous millionaire Doctor Pizza is giving away free guns? For the coming race war? Sign us up, for FREE! Seriously go sign up and get these free guns because guess who will get them if you don’t?

What happens when you’re super angry about a Negro somehow becoming president, but there are no longer specific laws against a Negro becoming president? Make up something else! Better yet, make up something that can never be disproved, to you, because you can just dedicate yourself to saying, “Nah, that is FAKE somehow!” Perfection. And guess who just joined the “Birther” club? Once-famous right-wing asshole and talentless fruitsack Pat Boone, who made a living half a century ago stealing the black man’s music, that’s who. MORE »

OH GOD: “Republican John McCain’s campaign has begun holding regular conference calls with leftwing bloggers and blogs that focus on single issues such as healthcare and the environment.” Hey, do we get a call, or have all the references to Cindy McCain being a pill-popper and John McCain being the Antichrist kind of nixed that? Give us a call, WALLLLLLNUTS! [Newsmax]

NewsMax just shot out a breaking news e-mail bulletin: USS Gerald Ford Needs Your Help! Of course, there is no USS Gerald Ford, which is why it needs your help so bad. MORE »

Forgotten scumbag Dick Morris has finally given us a reason to support Hillary in ‘08: He says he’ll leave the country if she wins! MORE »

Is there a better War On Christmas gift than a remaindered $4.99 copy of Ann Coulter’s latest jabberings? Why yes, there is! NewsMax is now offering these beautiful old-people pajamas — or coats or jogging suits or? — free with a subscription to NewsMax! MORE »

What if you hate your relatives in a more direct way? Then here’s the “War on Xmas” gift that will make your sentiments perfectly clear: an old Ann Coulter book from the remainders warehouse. Plus, this gift totally keeps on giving, because NewsMax will also mail your victim four crazy newsletters about Mexicans. MORE »