Tag Archives: news

  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  capitalism sheds a tear

America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs

Today is a sad day for Americans because we are losing a quintessentially American dessert, maybe forever. This is mostly the fault of commie liberal “labor” unions who have the NERVE to demand a living wage for their work, which makes the whole thing double plus sad. Of course, it isn’t actually the fault of labor unions but corporate spokespeople the media has SAID it’s the fault of labor unions so CASE CLOSED, no lessons to learn here other than labor unions mean no dessert, ever, for anyone, in Obama’s America. Read more on America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs…
  they heard said and read and then said

Fox News Non-Apologizes For Reporting Individual Mandate Unconstitutional

Fox News tried, it really tried, to make lies true, and to expect something so thoroughly, in the deepest crevasses of its soul, that when hearing the opposite it, it just heard its wish, its dream, namely for the Obamacare individual mandate to be ruled unconstitutional. But it was, oddly, upheld! So now The Worst (CNN and Fox News) feel they have to explain themselves. Not that it wasn’t confusing all around. But Fox’s non-explanation is that it HEARD AND ALSO READ that the mandate was unconstitutional. And anyway, they didn’t suck at accuracy nearly as much as “one other cable network.” Read more on Fox News Non-Apologizes For Reporting Individual Mandate Unconstitutional…
  on steno pool duty

Mitt Romney Says Something, CNN Writes it Down

Can you type? Or if you can’t type, can you tell like an intern or somebody that you need something typed? Because if you do, you might have a shot at becoming a political producer for CNN, given that these skills are a prerequisite for the job, which seems mainly to consist of typing things that other people said, and then connecting them until they look kind of like an article. Read more on Mitt Romney Says Something, CNN Writes it Down…
  puppies of state

North Korea Ramps Up Its Social Media Presence

North Korea is so in touch with the times that it is now your Twitter and YouTube friend! State media outlet Uriminzokkiri will provide you fun and interesting tweets about North Korea news here and informative news video here. We are not exactly sure what news is going on in the news segment above, as we do not read Korean, we just speak it. But obviously our CNNs and MSNBCs and Fox Newses have a lot to learn about making news entertaining, as we are utterly transfixed by this. Read more on North Korea Ramps Up Its Social Media Presence…
  fun with statistics

1.38% of Fox News’ Audience Is Black People, Which Seems a Bit High

It turns out that America’s News Network, Fox News, is not really watched at all by black people, which explains why they are so misinformed that they support this Obama fellow. This “finding” is according to some sort of math or science stuff, however, so it is probably a lie (and also Jesus has provided all of His children a live feed of Fox News in their hearts, so black people maybe just need to believe harder to see it). It just doesn’t make any sense that CNN and MSNBC’s audiences are about 20% black, yet the real news is only watched by 1.38% of Obama’s Chosen People. Read more on 1.38% of Fox News’ Audience Is Black People, Which Seems a Bit High…
  casual encounters

Obama Likes His Reporter-Time to Feel ‘Special’

On the eve of President Barack Obama’s first official press conference since 1972, CBS correspondent and numbers cruncher Mark Knoller has just released a follow-up to his groundbreaking report on Obama’s golf addiction. This time, Knoller and his abacus have come to some Interesting Conclusions about presidential encounters with the press. The numbers not only show but prove — PROVE, ladies and gents — that Obama prefers to “get intimate” with reporters, even more than Bill Clinton did. Read more on Obama Likes His Reporter-Time to Feel ‘Special’…
  i just called to say i hate you

Congress, Apparently Having Just Started College, Was Really Into Jazz For Like Three Weeks

When you, the constituent, called your local congressperson and were subsequently put on hold sometime in the last three weeks, did you notice anything… offensive? Something syncopated? Something Satan might have on his iPod, in case an attractive woman were to ever browse through said iPod? This is called “jazz” and henceforth it is banned—BANNED—from Congress, definitely for right now, when people are actually calling their representatives, and maybe even forever. Read more on Congress, Apparently Having Just Started College, Was Really Into Jazz For Like Three Weeks…
  metro section

C-SPAN Is Financing Terror Cell Training Camp For Tiny Pirates

A guy was caught selling guns from a potato chip stand in a market. It was as easy as catching a gun salesman at a potato chip stand, said police. [Washington Examiner] Read more on C-SPAN Is Financing Terror Cell Training Camp For Tiny Pirates… Read more on C-SPAN Is Financing Terror Cell Training Camp For Tiny Pirates…
  wasilla family values

Levi vs. Sarah, TeeVee’s Longest Running Snowbilly Reality Show

This is going to go on forever — and eventually, it will involve the female participants wrestling in a vat of Taco Bell X-treme ketchup or whatever. Hooray! Now, lest you believe this is somehow “trivial” or “exactly what happens in much of America,” we want to remind you that this woman, Sarah Palin, intends to become President, somehow, and then she will install Trig as “Prince ‘o Peace,” and he will rule the world for 666 years, and then he will nuke it. He is made of nukes, Trig is. Read more on Levi vs. Sarah, TeeVee’s Longest Running Snowbilly Reality Show…
  milestones

Sam Donaldson To Retire

Youngsters know Sam Donaldson as one of the geezers on This Week who’s always yelling at George Will. But those of you over the age 15 might also recall that Sam Donaldson has been in the news business for several centuries and is prone to marvelous, sweeping and generally wrong predictions, like how Bill Clinton would leave office in like minus two seconds if the Monica Lewinsky rumors were true. He also enjoyed shouting at Ronald Reagan a lot. Here is a loving tribute from Cokie Roberts: on an overnight flight to France, Sam Donaldson once “had the flight attendants literally on their knees at his seat.” This American Hero will retire next week at the age of 74. [Washington Post] Read more on Sam Donaldson To Retire…
 

Defiant Clinton Voters Will Stick It To The Media

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). Read more on Defiant Clinton Voters Will Stick It To The Media…
 

BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HILARIOUS:: Never mind the newscast; check out his blogging! The Sunday New York Times is full of bizarre lifestyle crap, Peggy Noonan is “doing the work of her career,” mom’s cocktails in New Jersey were the best, and he skipped the White House Correspondents’ Dinner to watch NASCAR in his kitchen. [Brian Williams’ Daily Nightly] Read more on …
 

Special Time-Wasting 2006 News Quiz!

The Wall Street Journal has kindly made its end-of-year News Quiz available even to you, the person without a WSJ account because it’s not like you’ve got stocks or whatever. This is a way for the Big Money people to reward you for taking an interest in national and world affairs, despite your unenviable position on the Wealth Ladder. Read more on Special Time-Wasting 2006 News Quiz!…
 

Happy No News Day!

July 3, 2006: Top Stories: North Korea: Still have nuclear weapons, still want to bomb the shit out of us. Al-Zarqawi: Still dead, still causing trouble. Sy Hersh: Still concerned about how we want to bomb the shit out of Iran. Read more on Happy No News Day!…
 

The New Press Secretary Tony Snow News Conference

Bush: “Tony already knows most of you, and he’s agreed to take the job anyway.” Hey! Someone finally got around to reading that 50 Tricks to Great Public Speaking book he’s had sitting around for 6 years. Read more on The New Press Secretary Tony Snow News Conference…
 

BREAKING! Bomb Scare Involving Homeless Guy and Trash Bag!

This just in: An officemate told me that there was a bomb scare on the other side of the White House. Traffic and pedestrians were restricted from travelling. Apparently, a homeless guy had left a trash bag filled with his stuff on the sidewalk, and inside the bag was a fire alarm with a dying battery, so the thing was beeping, and people thought it was a bomb. The Bomb squad shot the bag with a water cannon (not sure how that is safe) and later discovered the fire alarm. Read more on BREAKING! Bomb Scare Involving Homeless Guy and Trash Bag!…
 

BREAKING! DON’T CROSS AGAINST THE LIGHT ON 14TH AND EYE

Hell, get in the public service mood every now and again. So here’s an urgent email we just received MERE MINUTES AGO: FYI – Just got an email from our HR dept that there are 3 cops at the corner of 14th and Eye Street (by Franklin Square park and the McPherson Square metro stop) that are issuing jaywalking tickets right now. Glad to see that DC’s finest hard at work at stopping the horrible criminals that make the streets so dangersous (your tax dollars hard at work). Read more on BREAKING! DON’T CROSS AGAINST THE LIGHT ON 14TH AND EYE…
 

Ben Domenech: Fireproofing His Master’s House

Here’s where we stood as of yesterday: * Regnery dismissed blogosphere pariah Ben Domenech before the Post was embarrassed into it because of, so they claimed, simple conflict of interest issues. * Domenech — along with a couple others in positions to know — told us quite clearly that there wasn’t anything more to the story. * But we also heard better, more interesting stuff. What we’ve heard today, along with a little bit o’ reporting, is after the jump: Read more on Ben Domenech: Fireproofing His Master’s House…
 

*BREAKING* SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE IN FRONT OF WHITE HOUSE

FINAL UPDATE: All clear. BOOOOOOO–RRRRIIINNNGGG. In SF and here. Everyone go home. That robot’s on his way to Hollywood for his spin-off. It was fun while it lasted. UPDATE5: SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE IN SAN FRANCISCO SUBWAY! THIS GUY’S GOT AN AMAZING ARM! ROBOT STILL CUTE. Some guy seems to have to like stand by the robot and help it, which defeats the purpose of a robot. Right? “NO DISSASEMBLE!” No one told Fox about the San Fran thing yet. Rather, Fox doesn’t CARE ABOUT HIPPIES. UPDATE4: The “package” may be an “item.” Fox is showing a bunch of bike cops holding a package. Is this the package? Hard to tell. “Anything that is thrown over the fence of the White House is, by definition, suspicious.” This kid is not getting his frisbee back. White House wasn’t evacuated. They’ve sent fucking bike cops. Panic fading… robot sitting there… wait, it’s by the briefcase. The “item” is a briefcase. Robot’s moving again! UPDATE 3: “An individual threw a package over the White House fence.” he has done this before. He is in custody. You know it’s like a fucking screenplay or something. Also, Fox called Fred Barnes for comment. Why? He’s in the bullpen? Also, Fox has just admitted that the static shot they’ve had for 20 minutes of a fence is not actually where the goddam package is. BRING BACK THE ROBOT. UPDATE 2 (formatting thrown to the wind): THIS IS BORING AS HELL. WE HAVE EVEN TRIED SWITCHING TO FOX, BUT ALL WE SEE IS A PARKED CAR BEHIND A FENCE. THERE WAS ANOTHER BLURRY SHOT OF THE ROBOT, BUT WE CAN’T REALLY TELL HOW CUTE IT IS. SOURCES INDICATE THAT IT MAY LOOK LIKE THIS: FOXNEWS: “As for the President’s whereabouts, that’s always a mystery” — uh, NO IT ISN’T. HE’S ON HIS WAY TO WEST VA FOR A FUCKING PLANNED SPEECH YOU BLONDE IDIOT, HE LEFT LIKE AN HOUR AGO. Read more on *BREAKING* SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE IN FRONT OF WHITE HOUSE…
 

A Cause We’d Also Like to See Hitch Orgnize A Rally For

A representative of “The Distilled Spirits Council of the Untied States” (can we please score an invite to one of your council meetings?), guessing (quite correctly) that he’d found a loyal ally in Wonkette, just sent us a press release responding to (or correcting, sort of?) a 20/20 piece that hasn’t actually aired yet. Because we believe very strongly in the mission of the good people at the Distilled Spirits Council, we’d like to point you to their letter to ABC. Read more on A Cause We’d Also Like to See Hitch Orgnize A Rally For…
 

Ports Scandal Over, Hopefully to be Replaced By Something Less Boring

John Warner, on the Senate floor a little while ago: I shall not recount the events that have occurred here in the last few days, but i’ve just been contacted by Edward Bilkey, chief operating officer of DP World, and in an effort to get this message to all interested parties as quickly as possible, I indicated a willingness to read a press release that is now being issued by DP World and Edward Bilkey. It reads as follows, “Because of the strong relationship between the United Arab Emirates and the United States, and to preserve that relationship, DP World has decided to transfer fully the U.S. operation of P&O Ports North America to a United States entity. This decision is based on an understanding that DP World will have time to effect the transfer in an orderly fashion, and that DP World will not suffer economic loss. We look forward to working with the Department of Treasury to implement this decision.” End statement. Read more on Ports Scandal Over, Hopefully to be Replaced By Something Less Boring…