When you, the constituent, called your local congressperson and were subsequently put on hold sometime in the last three weeks, did you notice anything… offensive? Something syncopated? Something Satan might have on his iPod, in case an attractive woman were to ever browse through said iPod? This is called “jazz” and henceforth it is banned—BANNED—from Congress, definitely for right now, when people are actually calling their representatives, and maybe even forever. MORE »

A guy was caught selling guns from a potato chip stand in a market. It was as easy as catching a gun salesman at a potato chip stand, said police. [Washington Examiner] MORE »

This is going to go on forever — and eventually, it will involve the female participants wrestling in a vat of Taco Bell X-treme ketchup or whatever. Hooray! Now, lest you believe this is somehow “trivial” or “exactly what happens in much of America,” we want to remind you that this woman, Sarah Palin, intends to become President, somehow, and then she will install Trig as “Prince ‘o Peace,” and he will rule the world for 666 years, and then he will nuke it. He is made of nukes, Trig is.

Youngsters know Sam Donaldson as one of the geezers on This Week who’s always yelling at George Will. But those of you over the age 15 might also recall that Sam Donaldson has been in the news business for several centuries and is prone to marvelous, sweeping and generally wrong predictions, like how Bill Clinton would leave office in like minus two seconds if the Monica Lewinsky rumors were true. He also enjoyed shouting at Ronald Reagan a lot. Here is a loving tribute from Cokie Roberts: on an overnight flight to France, Sam Donaldson once “had the flight attendants literally on their knees at his seat.” This American Hero will retire next week at the age of 74. [Washington Post]

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). MORE »

BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HILARIOUS:: Never mind the newscast; check out his blogging! The Sunday New York Times is full of bizarre lifestyle crap, Peggy Noonan is “doing the work of her career,” mom’s cocktails in New Jersey were the best, and he skipped the White House Correspondents’ Dinner to watch NASCAR in his kitchen. [Brian Williams' Daily Nightly]

The Wall Street Journal has kindly made its end-of-year News Quiz available even to you, the person without a WSJ account because it’s not like you’ve got stocks or whatever. This is a way for the Big Money people to reward you for taking an interest in national and world affairs, despite your unenviable position on the Wealth Ladder. MORE »

July 3, 2006: Top Stories:

• North Korea: Still have nuclear weapons, still want to bomb the shit out of us.

• Al-Zarqawi: Still dead, still causing trouble.
• Sy Hersh: Still concerned about how we want to bomb the shit out of Iran.
• Space program: Still pointless, dangerous joke.

Bush: “Tony already knows most of you, and he’s agreed to take the job anyway.” Hey! Someone finally got around to reading that 50 Tricks to Great Public Speaking book he’s had sitting around for 6 years. MORE »

This just in: MORE »

Hell, get in the public service mood every now and again. So here’s an urgent email we just received MERE MINUTES AGO: MORE »