Tag Archives: news

  To be fair Millenials ARE the worst

Bill O’Reilly Knows Why Kids These Days Are Stupid And Dumb, And It Is Facebook

News man.
Bill O’Reilly, the world’s greatest news reporter, who has never lied about anything at any time, knows who is stupid, and it is millennials. Why? Because they get their news from these silly sources like The Internet. “Reporting” on a Pew poll that found 61 percent of millennials get political news from Facebook, while others get news from Google News and Yahoo, O’Reilly said, “I don’t know what any of that means.” We know, Bill, it is very confusing: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Knows Why Kids These Days Are Stupid And Dumb, And It Is Facebook…
  Bill O'Reilly is doing field reporting now?

Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind

Doy doy doy doy doy
Journalism-ing is tough! You try to get it right, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you fuck up. Like you misspell the name of Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei (we did that the other day, doy!), or you report that you witnessed a black man getting shot by police in Baltimore, when what you actually witnessed was a black man NOT getting shot by the police! Fox News made this age-old mistake Monday, of seeing a man running and immediately breaking into a national newscast to report that the man had been gunned down by police, without first checking to see if the man had been gunned down at all. Oops! This is why we have editors, GUYS! Read more on Fox News: BREAKING! Black Man Shot By Police! Oh Wait, Never Mind…
  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  capitalism sheds a tear

America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs

Today is a sad day for Americans because we are losing a quintessentially American dessert, maybe forever. This is mostly the fault of commie liberal “labor” unions who have the NERVE to demand a living wage for their work, which makes the whole thing double plus sad. Of course, it isn’t actually the fault of labor unions but corporate spokespeople the media has SAID it’s the fault of labor unions so CASE CLOSED, no lessons to learn here other than labor unions mean no dessert, ever, for anyone, in Obama’s America. Read more on America Mourns Death Of Snack Food Murdered By Union Thugs…
  they heard said and read and then said

Fox News Non-Apologizes For Reporting Individual Mandate Unconstitutional

Fox News tried, it really tried, to make lies true, and to expect something so thoroughly, in the deepest crevasses of its soul, that when hearing the opposite it, it just heard its wish, its dream, namely for the Obamacare individual mandate to be ruled unconstitutional. But it was, oddly, upheld! So now The Worst (CNN and Fox News) feel they have to explain themselves. Not that it wasn’t confusing all around. But Fox’s non-explanation is that it HEARD AND ALSO READ that the mandate was unconstitutional. And anyway, they didn’t suck at accuracy nearly as much as “one other cable network.” Read more on Fox News Non-Apologizes For Reporting Individual Mandate Unconstitutional…
  on steno pool duty

Mitt Romney Says Something, CNN Writes it Down

Can you type? Or if you can’t type, can you tell like an intern or somebody that you need something typed? Because if you do, you might have a shot at becoming a political producer for CNN, given that these skills are a prerequisite for the job, which seems mainly to consist of typing things that other people said, and then connecting them until they look kind of like an article. Read more on Mitt Romney Says Something, CNN Writes it Down…
  puppies of state

North Korea Ramps Up Its Social Media Presence

North Korea is so in touch with the times that it is now your Twitter and YouTube friend! State media outlet Uriminzokkiri will provide you fun and interesting tweets about North Korea news here and informative news video here. We are not exactly sure what news is going on in the news segment above, as we do not read Korean, we just speak it. But obviously our CNNs and MSNBCs and Fox Newses have a lot to learn about making news entertaining, as we are utterly transfixed by this. Read more on North Korea Ramps Up Its Social Media Presence…
  fun with statistics

1.38% of Fox News’ Audience Is Black People, Which Seems a Bit High

It turns out that America’s News Network, Fox News, is not really watched at all by black people, which explains why they are so misinformed that they support this Obama fellow. This “finding” is according to some sort of math or science stuff, however, so it is probably a lie (and also Jesus has provided all of His children a live feed of Fox News in their hearts, so black people maybe just need to believe harder to see it). It just doesn’t make any sense that CNN and MSNBC’s audiences are about 20% black, yet the real news is only watched by 1.38% of Obama’s Chosen People. Read more on 1.38% of Fox News’ Audience Is Black People, Which Seems a Bit High…
  casual encounters

Obama Likes His Reporter-Time to Feel ‘Special’

On the eve of President Barack Obama’s first official press conference since 1972, CBS correspondent and numbers cruncher Mark Knoller has just released a follow-up to his groundbreaking report on Obama’s golf addiction. This time, Knoller and his abacus have come to some Interesting Conclusions about presidential encounters with the press. The numbers not only show but prove — PROVE, ladies and gents — that Obama prefers to “get intimate” with reporters, even more than Bill Clinton did. Read more on Obama Likes His Reporter-Time to Feel ‘Special’…
  i just called to say i hate you

Congress, Apparently Having Just Started College, Was Really Into Jazz For Like Three Weeks

When you, the constituent, called your local congressperson and were subsequently put on hold sometime in the last three weeks, did you notice anything… offensive? Something syncopated? Something Satan might have on his iPod, in case an attractive woman were to ever browse through said iPod? This is called “jazz” and henceforth it is banned—BANNED—from Congress, definitely for right now, when people are actually calling their representatives, and maybe even forever. Read more on Congress, Apparently Having Just Started College, Was Really Into Jazz For Like Three Weeks…
  metro section

C-SPAN Is Financing Terror Cell Training Camp For Tiny Pirates

A guy was caught selling guns from a potato chip stand in a market. It was as easy as catching a gun salesman at a potato chip stand, said police. [Washington Examiner] Read more on C-SPAN Is Financing Terror Cell Training Camp For Tiny Pirates… Read more on C-SPAN Is Financing Terror Cell Training Camp For Tiny Pirates…
  wasilla family values

Levi vs. Sarah, TeeVee’s Longest Running Snowbilly Reality Show

This is going to go on forever — and eventually, it will involve the female participants wrestling in a vat of Taco Bell X-treme ketchup or whatever. Hooray! Now, lest you believe this is somehow “trivial” or “exactly what happens in much of America,” we want to remind you that this woman, Sarah Palin, intends to become President, somehow, and then she will install Trig as “Prince ‘o Peace,” and he will rule the world for 666 years, and then he will nuke it. He is made of nukes, Trig is. Read more on Levi vs. Sarah, TeeVee’s Longest Running Snowbilly Reality Show…
  milestones

Sam Donaldson To Retire

Youngsters know Sam Donaldson as one of the geezers on This Week who’s always yelling at George Will. But those of you over the age 15 might also recall that Sam Donaldson has been in the news business for several centuries and is prone to marvelous, sweeping and generally wrong predictions, like how Bill Clinton would leave office in like minus two seconds if the Monica Lewinsky rumors were true. He also enjoyed shouting at Ronald Reagan a lot. Here is a loving tribute from Cokie Roberts: on an overnight flight to France, Sam Donaldson once “had the flight attendants literally on their knees at his seat.” This American Hero will retire next week at the age of 74. [Washington Post] Read more on Sam Donaldson To Retire…
 

Defiant Clinton Voters Will Stick It To The Media

Despite the fact that he now leads the Democratic nomination race by every conceivable metric, Barack Obama will not be the candidate running against John McCain. Legions of Clinton die-hards will turn out in West Virginia tomorrow to stick it to MSNBC, Robert Reich, non-hard-working white people, and other members of the sexist cabal who want Hillary to throw in the towel before she has humiliated herself in all 50 states (plus Guam, Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and Tatooine). Read more on Defiant Clinton Voters Will Stick It To The Media…
 

BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HILARIOUS:: Never mind the newscast; check out his blogging! The Sunday New York Times is full of bizarre lifestyle crap, Peggy Noonan is “doing the work of her career,” mom’s cocktails in New Jersey were the best, and he skipped the White House Correspondents’ Dinner to watch NASCAR in his kitchen. [Brian Williams’ Daily Nightly] Read more on …
 

Special Time-Wasting 2006 News Quiz!

The Wall Street Journal has kindly made its end-of-year News Quiz available even to you, the person without a WSJ account because it’s not like you’ve got stocks or whatever. This is a way for the Big Money people to reward you for taking an interest in national and world affairs, despite your unenviable position on the Wealth Ladder. Read more on Special Time-Wasting 2006 News Quiz!…