Tag Archives: newark

  Infectious Unease Vectors

Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola

How odd that a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders isn't a Republican
Since Barack Obama stubbornly insists on listening to public health experts instead of Fox News, it’s become quite clear that wingnuts’ favored non-solution, a ban on travel from West Africa, isn’t going to happen. Happily, a few governors figured out that even if they can’t ban travel, they can impose a quarantine order on people who have been in West Africa, so now it’s time to scoop up people with no Ebola symptoms and isolate them all for 21 days. Read more on Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  debt comes for the archbishop

New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors

So here is a fine kettle of Ichthys — as we mentioned a couple weeks back, John J. Myers, the Archbishop of Newark — which is a pretty fun title to say, we’ll admit — is building himself a new wing on the Barbie’s Dream Bishop Retirement Home, to the tune of half a million dollars. This is not going over especially well with parishioners, who are less than thrilled that Myers’s 4500-square-foot residence is getting a brand new wing at a time when the archdiocese has had to close schools because of budget shortfalls, and for that matter, after New Pope’s call for priests to drive boring cars and knock it off already with the luxurious manses. And so, when the “Archbishop’s Annual Appeal” envelopes were handed out last month, a lot of cheesed-off Catholics have been sending the Archbishop a message, loud and clear, in the form of empty contribution envelopes, to which we say, way to go, pissed-off parishioners who aren’t going to give one more cent for this foolishness. Except for the part that kind of sucks, which is that the costs of the new additions to Meyers’s residence came from the sale of other property, so withholding contributions won’t slow down the construction by so much as a nail. It’s almost as if the archdiocese carefully planned the building project to insulate it from pissed-off parishioners, isn’t it? Read more on New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors…
  let's bash this bishop

Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?

Hey, remember the story about the German “Bling Bishop” who got suspended after everybody was outraged by the $55 million cost of renovating his personal residence? Right here in U.S. America, we seem to have our own version of an archbishop who’s a little like that, too, though on a smaller scale. Take a look at this New York Times story about John J. Myers, the archbishop of the Archdiocese of Newark, New Jersey, who’s also getting some home improvements done. Now, it’s not exactly on the scale of the German bishop’s palace — it’s a 3000-square-foot addition to a vacation home that Myers will retire to in two years, not a restoration of an 800-year-old building, and there’s definitely nothing to compare to the German place’s $20,000 bathtub. In fact, it’s almost a bargain at only half a million dollars, which would barely cover the cost of the German residence’s solid gold hamster cages (don’t ask). Read more on Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?…
  champagne glass full of nice time

Cory Booker Marries All The Gays, Destroys Good Christian Heckler In Two-Fer Of Evil (Video)

Here’s your Nice Time video for the day: Newark Mayor and Senator-Elect Cory Booker officiating at the city’s first same-sex weddings, marrying nine couples just after midnight, when New Jersey joined the rest of the 21st century. Did everything go seamlessly? Of course not: some asshat protester decided to Make A Statement, and was crushed beneath Cory Booker’s tyrannical heel. Read more on Cory Booker Marries All The Gays, Destroys Good Christian Heckler In Two-Fer Of Evil (Video)…
  win one for the stripper

Cory Booker Draws Short Straw, Must Serve Minimum One-Year Sentence In U.S. Senate

Well, everyone is saying that there were no winners last night, just because the GOP caused about $24 billion in economic harm so that John Boehner could get more MyFace friends from the Tea Party. Worth it. Well, everyone is WRONG. There was a clear winner last night, and it was the Strippers Union! Per The Hill: Newark Mayor Cory Booker won the New Jersey Senate special election on Wednesday night in an unsurprising finale to a surprisingly contentious race. While most of America was Googling “How To Ship Ted Cruz Back To Canada,” or toasting our Congress for funding the government for a full three months, Cory Booker was taking a break from shoveling snow and rescuing people from burning buildings (OR NOT???) to become New Jersey’s next gay Senator!  Read more on Cory Booker Draws Short Straw, Must Serve Minimum One-Year Sentence In U.S. Senate…
  you too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident

Daily Caller Shocker: Carpetbagging Cory Booker Does Not Even Live In Newark Maybe, Conspiracy Goes All The Way To The Top

Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller, everyone’s favorite home for racists who can’t read good and stuff, has quite the little scoopty scoop, and that is that Cory Booker, who is a better human being than you, is NOT a better human being than you, because of how he is LYING about living in Newark, according to these “neighbors” who have coincidentally been interviewed bitching about Cory Booker in every Daily Caller story about Cory Booker since Cory Booker became a thing, but do NOT call them “anti-Cory Booker activists,” they are NEIGHBORS, the Daily Caller SAYS SO. (Also, one neighbor “James Sharp” does not seem to care for Cory Booker. Isn’t that weird, since the DemocRAT Machine candidate Booker famously defeated was named “Sharpe James”? That is weird right? The Daily Caller would never try to pull one over on us, would they? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE, OF COURSE THEY WOULD.) So the Daily Caller has this scoop, where they go around and look in Cory Booker’s windows and declare the home vacant. And then they are all Zoolander male model style, “AHA! He says he lives here but property records show that it is owned by some lady!” And then Buzzfeed is all, “Earth to Daily Caller, that lady was the landlady and here are some rent checks, and also possibly go to this other home in Newark Cory Booker moved to in late September!” and the Booker campaign was all “orange mocha frappuccino!” And now it is a big spitty mess because the Buzzfeed story declared the neighbors who said Cory Booker didn’t even live there to be “anti-Booker activists” and got one of their names wrong, and then the Daily Caller was all, “AHA Earth to Buzzfeed nice reporting!” and Buzzfeed was all, “Oh okay, here is a correction on the lady’s name,” and the moral of the story is Cory Booker is the worst human being since Josef Mengele gave birth to Nazi Barack Obama. Except for this. Be ready you guys. Are you sitting down? Read more on Daily Caller Shocker: Carpetbagging Cory Booker Does Not Even Live In Newark Maybe, Conspiracy Goes All The Way To The Top…
  man of steel

Cory Booker Refuses To Douse Hopes That Everyone Can Sleep With Him Maybe

OMG you guys, did you hear that Cory Booker might be gay? Well, actually, what he said was that he wasn’t necessarily ruling out the possibility that he may or may not be gay, or straight, or something! In an interview with the Washington Post, Booker said that since he has not yet acquired a “life partner,” some people speculate that he might be gay, and he doesn’t actually say that he isn’t. Now stop that swooning, all of you. Read more on Cory Booker Refuses To Douse Hopes That Everyone Can Sleep With Him Maybe…
  here he is mr. america

Cory Booker Deflects Bullet Of Emo Liberal Peevishness, Will Leap U.S. Capitol In Single Bound

Newark Mayor Cory Booker, the caped-crusading, embattled-cat recovering, amateur fireman, Mr Plow come to life, twitter-master and media darling, won the Democratic primary for New Jersey’s open Senate seat yesterday despite a big ol’ Hate-On from liberal writers everywhere, including our own erstwhile wonkets. But why all the hate, haters? Read more on Cory Booker Deflects Bullet Of Emo Liberal Peevishness, Will Leap U.S. Capitol In Single Bound…
  swiftboat returns

New York Times Cory Booker Takedown Just Got A Lot More Embarrassing For The New York Times

Over the weekend, we told you about a New York Times hit piece on Tall Column of Chocolate Love Cory Booker, and how reporter Kate Zernike did not seem to be doing herself any favors by ending it with a steaming dump of DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Now, thanks to HuffPo, we are almost in awe of Zernike and her proud cuntiness. Let’s review: She said WAAH there is still poverty in Newark! She said HISS Cory Booker raised taxes while also cutting spending! She said BLARGLE Cory Booker spends all his time in New York hobnobbing with Richard Branson instead of in his community! So. About that. Read more on New York Times Cory Booker Takedown Just Got A Lot More Embarrassing For The New York Times…
  journamalism

Cory Booker Is The New York Times’ New Al Gore

We guess Newark Mayor Cory Booker sighed too much in his presidential debate with Texas governor Jorge Boosh, because the New York Times has decided he is a big giant asshole! Meow, says the Times’ Kate Zernike, Cory Booker spends a quarter of his time out of town (getting $100 million grants for his city from famous rich people). Hiss, says Kate Zernike, did you know Newark has poverty and Cory Booker has not even made the people of Newark not poor? Here is a shiv, says Kate Zernike, did you know Cory Booker raised taxes 20 percent even while laying off hundreds of city workers and selling city buildings? Why, it is almost as though he is Simpson-Bowlesing the city of Newark, trying to fix entrenched economic problems with a mixture of revenues and spending cuts. BURN HIM. Is there any reason Kate Zernike might have what amounts to a very unbecoming personal animus toward Newark’s mayor? Read more on Cory Booker Is The New York Times’ New Al Gore…
  this is why we can't have nice things

Newark Tries To Murder Cory Booker

America, have you enjoyed your Cory Booker? He has been your American superhero, your bright shining full-of-integrity star in the awful firmament of American politics. He saves ladies from burning buildings. He has a Gosling-style tumblr dedicated to him. He scored free Hot Pockets for America, or at least for Newark. He’s just like you, if you were much better at everything and people fawned all over you on the twitters. It is with great regret, therefore, that Wonkette must inform you that Cory Booker is just another dirty politician like all the rest! Read more on Newark Tries To Murder Cory Booker…
  cape not pictured

Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr

Those shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING. Only this time, these concepts are being strategically interwoven into a new hawt Tumblr, “Cory Booker Hey Girl” (much more sneaky than two short weeks ago, when Lena Dunham explained the importance of losing one’s virginity to Barack Obama in a polling booth). Perhaps you are familiar with this sort of Tumblr, because like any responsible American citizen, you harbor unrequited romantic feelings for actor Ryan Gosling. This new rendition of “Hey Girl” begs the question, “Sure, Ryan Gosling captured your heart when he ended racism by dancing in the ‘Remember the Titans’ locker room, but did he invite you into his living room to charge your iPhone?” Read more on Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr…
  showboats

Newark Mayor Cory Booker Breaks Into Building, Abducts Woman Inside

Cory Booker may finally have put an end to his reign atop the infamous criminal syndicate of Newark, New Jersey, with a brazen B&E in front of multiple witnesses. The Democrat “mayor” has admitted entering a building without permission of its owners and forcibly carrying out a woman who was inside. He claims the building was “burning,” and that the woman “would die.” “I’m back here, I’m back here,” [the woman] yelled from a back bedroom, [Newark Fire Director Fateen] Ziyad was told by the mayor. After his security detail held him back, he told Ziyad, the mayor then yelled out to his guards to release him. “She is going to die, she’s going to die,” he said, and crossed the smoke and flames before grabbing the woman. Along with the security detail, Booker carried the woman in his arms through the spreading fire and smoke out of the building, Ziyad said. Read more on Newark Mayor Cory Booker Breaks Into Building, Abducts Woman Inside…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe

“Why hello, 2004, we had almost (thankfully) forgotten about you,” was our first reaction to the news that Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign has a new “celebrity” champion in Joseph Antonio “Fat Joe” Cartagena, who at one point made a lot of suburban middle school dance chaperones nervous with his funny lyrics about the act of pulling up one’s pants, as a dance move. Back in those days, Fat Joe was practically a professional obese person, weighing in at over 450 pounds. But today, he is the image of a Let’s Move! victory, having lost over 100 pounds and even curing his own diabetes! We can imagine why someone decided to tap into his street cred and miraculous weight loss story to bring health to the children of Newark, New Jersey. Read more on Michelle Obama’s ‘Let’s Move!’ Receives Critical Endorsement From Fat Joe…
 

Breaking: Now Cory Booker Can Blog Without Fear

This just in, fresh off the AP wire: Mayor Sharpe James said Monday he will not seek a sixth term leading New Jerseys largest city, opening the door to a young rival who lost by fewer than 4,000 votes four years ago. Read more on Breaking: Now Cory Booker Can Blog Without Fear…