DRUNK, ILLEGITIMATE BABY-MAKING CONGRESSMAN IS PITIFUL: According to the New York Daily News, still-active Rep. Vito Fossella of New York, who likes to get drunk and make babies with women who aren't his wife, is "hiding out in a tiny apartment above a garage at his sister's Staten Island house." [NYDN]
FOSSELLA TO RESIGN? Drunken Congressman Vito Fossella, who has a 3-year-old illegitimate child, will apparently resign within 72 hours. And that will be the end of New York City's only Republican congressman. [WNBC 4]
It has not been a very good week or so for Drunk Congressman Vito Fossella (R-NY). Last week he was arrested in Northern Virginia for drunk driving. He was in Northern Virginia to go see his family, he told police — his secret OTHER family, that is! He acknowledged today that he had a child out of wedlock who is now three years old. So apparently he only visits that one while drunk? He has apologized to his wife and three "real" children, who unfortunately live in Staten Island, with him. [AP]
Rudy Giuliani has well-known problems reconciling his Catholic faith with his favorite hobbies: destroying fetuses, living with terrible homosexuals and cavorting around town dressed as an old-fashioned gal. Yet he took High Mass when Pope Ratzi visited New York recently even though the Pope surely hates him. The Archbishop of New York is so upset with Rudy's participation in this ancient pagan ritual that he has issued a statement condemning Giuliani, who was mayor of the city when planes crashed into two of its buildings. Read the "ha-ha funny" statement below.
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Last night after the Elton John concert, Terry McAuliffe — the former DNC chair and current overlord of the Hillary Clinton for President committee — rode a fucking mechanical bull, according to a Wonkette mechanical bull operative. She says it was approximately 1 a.m. after the show at Johnny Utah's bar on West 51st St., "a place famous for having the only mechanical bull in Manhattan and for its regular bull riding challenges." Drunkest man alive? If anyone else was there, please let us know how long he lasted and send photos of him face down on the ground, spitting dirt.
Even though Barack Obama took New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg out to breakfast a few months ago, gave a big fancy speech about Alexander Hamilton in Bloomberg's back yard, and not-so-subtly hinted that he would appreciate at least a steak dinner in exchange for the reacharound, Bloomberg still refuses to go steady with Obama.
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New York's ex-Governor Eliot Spitzer and current Governor David Paterson have brought the state two scandal-friendly governors in only the last few weeks. New Jersey, on the other hand, has not had any hilarious sex governors since James McGreevey, a homosexual, resigned at T.G.I. Friday's in 2004. They are jealous of New York's sudden lead and are considering recalling Governor Jon Corzine. Not that he has had any T.G.I. Friday's gay sex prostitution scandals. He just has that aura of need-to-leave, you see. [KYW]
Barack Obama addressed a packed crowd at Cooper Union today in order to address head on a very difficult subject for most Americans: the economy. It's a sore point, a source of lingering bitterness, resentment, and misunderstanding for many; and St. Barack of Obama has taken it upon himself to clear the air once and for all by addressing the American people as adults.
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SPITZER PATRONIZED BLONDE HOMETOWN HOOKER: Sources say former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was a client of Wicked Models, whose yellow-haired founder, Kristin Davis, was just arrested. Like the other Kristen, this gal is also covered in tattoos, but she seems to have a better head for business. Prosecutors said she made $2 million last year. [NYP]
This David Paterson guy is a real piece of work. First he admits that when his marriage hit a rough patch he dated other women, instead of engaging the services of a high-dollar prostitute like any normal politician. And now instead of vehemently denying he knows anything about drugs he says he did them once, in his impetuous youth!
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Tired of Ashley Kristen Alexandra Dupre yet? Us too! But not US Magazine! The celebrity weekly has about a thousand pictures of Eliot Spitzer's allegedly high-class hooker, and they're all about as bad as this one, and we think the official title of this set is "The Official Seal of the Great State of New Jersey." Remember that picture of a pretty young Ashley/Kristen in a bikini on a yacht? That was apparently taken in 1978. [US Magazine]
As everybody knows, the hedonists in New York frequently find themselves at the mercy of horrible little animals called "bedbugs" who are attracted to the stench of moral impurity. And recently, a swarm of these bloodsucking parasites overtook the Fox News offices in Midtown Manhattan! Yes, ha ha, it took a little while for employees to figure out the latest foul insect pest wasn't just Hannity's weekend replacement. Now we hear rumors that the source of the infestation has been identified and FIRED.
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We are liking this Governor Paterson fellow a whole lot. Not only does he make hilarious cracks about lobbyist whores, he openly admits to having affairs while serving in the New York State Senate. We are only sorry that he and his wife seem to have mended fences and will not be having any more affairs any time soon. But but but! Not one but TWO Spitzer officials say that one of the gals he used to romance now "works under" the new governor of New York.
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Some "secret footage" of pop music star and model Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the former prostitute who brought down ex-New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer 20-odd years ago, has been discovered by the cultural terrorists who produce the boob-flashing Girls Gone Wild series. According to TMZ, which has taken over the New York Times as the news source of record on Dupre, "'GGW' has 'a week's worth' of video of Ashley celebrating her 18th birthday, which she did on the big bus. We're told that 'GGW' plans on releasing an Ashley Dupre-specific video 'shortly.'" Be sure to check out the late-night GGW promos on Comedy Central for an official release date. She. Never. Goes. Away. [TMZ]
David Paterson got off to a hot start to his hours-long New York governorship tonight by telling the New York Daily News that he had an affair with a lady for years. But how could he even know what he was doing — maybe he thought he was meeting Eliot Spitzer at a T.G.I. Friday's, and couldn't tell the difference? Well, he confessed, so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he is not making up this affair. What points will you need for cocktail hour this morning at your job?
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