new york times
Cory Booker Is The New York Times’ New Al Gore
We guess Newark Mayor Cory Booker sighed too much in his presidential debate with Texas governor Jorge Boosh, because the New York Times has decided he is a big giant asshole! Meow, says the Times’ Kate Zernike, Cory Booker spends a quarter of his time out of town (getting $100 million grants for his city [...]
Ladies And Gentlemen, We Present To You: ‘The Shirtless F.B.I. Guy’
By all appearances, Frederick W. Humphries II, 47, has asked his remaining friends in the Federal Bureau of Investigation to reach out to The New York Times and speak as glowingly of his character as certain other people have spoken of certain other people’s maternal love. Wait, what? Oh, don’t worry about it. You guys, [...]
David Brooks Pens Stirring Debate Statement For Imaginary Mitt Romney (Who Is Actually David Brooks)
As we all know (if we are nerds), in the world of fan fiction, a “Mary Sue” is a character who exists solely as a surrogate for the author — it’s the ordinary girl who is a better Quidditch player than Harry Potter, or the super-spy who gets to raid Lara Croft’s secret treasure vault, [...]
Even David Brooks Thinks Mitt Romney’s 47% Comments 100% Dickish
Oh, Mitt Romney, Mitt Romney. You know how you can tell that you’ve really stepped in it? A tiny hint of evidence that your problems go well past not being “elegantly stated”? One big hint would be when Conservative Icon William Kristol calls your comments “stupid and arrogant.” Another might be when the terminally equitable [...]
New York Times Infotainer: Taking Away Unemployment Insurance Will Make You Look All the More Harder For Those Jobs That Don’t Exist
Oh look, the Paper of Record has employed another typist to explain about bootstraps and whatnot, and give us the cold hard truth about why we are all losers who do not have jobs. Is it because of structural unemployment, or maybe something to do with robots? Ha! Ha! Ha! Of course not, says New [...]
GOP Acts Like Total Dems, Whine to New York Times Typist
Hey, here’s a strategy that’s high on wow-factor but lacking in any sort of long-term sustainability: wrapping oneself in the flag to give authenticity to the demonization of gays, the war on caterpillars women, the alienation of Latino/as, the disenfranchisement of African Americans, and the refusal to raise taxes on anyone, ever, in spite of [...]
New York Times Columnist Bravely Defends Fortune 500 Company From Comedian, Grieving Parents
Well thank heavens, the Paper of Record is here to valiantly defend a Fortune 500 company from bereaved parents and the internet, which is exactly why we have the First Amendment, of COURSE –to better enable our press corps to write articles like this one, which is literally called “Progressive’s Side of the Insurance Case [...]
Boston TSA Screeners: Junk Science Failed, So Let’s Try Racial Profiling
In a very limited way, we feel a little sympathy for the Transportation Security Agency workers at Boston’s Logan International Airport: just like any employees in an organization that’s had the latest managerial fad foisted on them, they had to take a ridiculous system’s unrealistic assumptions about the world and apply them in a real-world [...]
NYT’s Mitt Romney Beat-Sweetener Story Curiously Skimpy On Heart-Warmth
Wonkers are all media elites and State Department retirees, so we don’t need to explain to you that a “beat sweetener” is a puff piece about a person, place, or thing meant to guarantee further access down the line. And that seems to be the purpose of this New York Times piece on Mitt Romney [...]
NYPD Has Very Good Reason For Beating Up New York Times Photog: [...]
So! What has New York’s Finest been up to lately? Turns out—quite a lot! We learned a few days ago that the NYPD will be rolling out an all-seeing “Domain Awareness System” sometime this week, which sounds like it would sure keep them busy. But the NYPD is apparently masterful at multitasking, because they have [...]
Exciting New Front In Culture Wars: Ex-Gay, Two-Mommy Child Abductions For Jesus
Here’s a strange indicator that The Gays are moving closer to full marriage equality: In a New York Times story, we learn that gay couples are now able to attain levels of relationship misery that had hitherto been reserved for straights. It is a dubious achievement, to be sure, but now some gay couples who [...]
Mitt Romney Lies About His BFF Bibi
When we were in high school we had a friend who claimed his family was really tight with Morgan Freeman’s, and he’d tell us all kinds of hilarious stories about the good times he’d had, just hanging out with Morgan Freeman and having all kinds of deep talks wherein Morgan would generously give him sage [...]
John McCain Is So Over His Defeat That He Still Won’t Talk to the New York Times
The New York Times has the latest iteration of the beloved media story “What John McCain Is Like Now,” and here’s where it situates the old coot who pretends to be from Arizona along the spectrum: Definitely not the “far-right” monster who ran for Senate reelection in 2010, but also not the liberal fluffer who [...]
Tom Friedman: Something Something, Blah Blah Blah
Oh LOOK, professional centrist Tom Friedman used his position at the “best job in the world,” which we are all “jealous of,” to share with us some deep thoughts on how we should be fixing the economy. See, the whole problem, you guys, is that we haven’t created enough of something called “startups.” If 2,000 [...]
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