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Posts Tagged ‘new york times’

ELITISTS

Obamas Make Terrible New York Fancy Restaurant Choice, Politically

Monday, June 1st, 2009

Frank Bruni, food critic (for now??) at the New York Times and former George W. Bush 2000 campaign reporter, is very upset with the Obamas’ choice of fancy restaurant for their date in New York City over the weekend, where they saw a lite romantic comedy about the horrific aftermath of slavery. Bruni writes, “Well, of course the Obamas went to Blue Hill,” for the five or six humans on Earth, ever, who might understand what he means. Apparently this is what he WOULD do, because he’s too cool & safe or whatever? No one knows. MORE »


BAHHHH

These ‘Distractions’ Are Making The Terrorists Want Terrorism More

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

We have scanned the YouTubes for the snarliest of snarly Dick Cheney quotes this morning, because THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO COVER TODAY, ugh, and decided this part was better than the ones in which he insults the New York Times and the United States Senate and the “left-wing of the president’s party” and whatever else. Cheney argues that these LEGAL DEBATES are making America look like fags to the Terrorists, so we need to stop it with the “distractions,” which do not include mean old Dick Cheney going on the teevee every day, bitching about how Obama won’t release certain documents he needs to spice up his memoirs. [YouTube]


WHITE MAN'S BURDEN

Nicholas Kristof Feeling Kind of Guilty

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

You should probably talk to Bono about this.
Looks like New York Times columnist and globe-trotter Nicholas Kristof is feeling kind of shitty about being so rich and the Africans being so poor. It is a noble (banal) sentiment, but in our limited experience, the spiritual poverty of the wealthy may suck but at least you aren’t fucking hungry all the time, and you can go to the doctor and get some mood pills, and you’re probably not going to die before your twentieth birthday, of AIDS. [Twitter]


IMPORTANT NEW COLUMNISTS

‘New York Neck-Beard’ Douthat Writes Column About Abortion And Gays!

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

In the words of Brian Lamb, the best human being on Earth, “Hey Ross Douthat, you seen this Wonkette thing here?” It’s a post about your New York Times “young lightning rod conservative” opinion column! It is not his debut — maybe second, or third, or fourth — but it’s the first one we’ve read so deal with it okay? It’s not bad! And because he is, again, a “youth,” he throws in many Internet hyperlinks to his sources. Clicky clicky hooray! So this post will be, unfortunately, a Civilized response to one of his points — that the grain of history favors the pro-life movement — which is less fun than just spitting blood at the computer screen, as we did for Bill Kristol. MORE »


NO

Will Barack Obama Save America’s Newspapers, With Money?

Monday, May 4th, 2009

This sure is a swell edition of the NewspaperThe sad saga of America’s important newspapers has taken another downward turn, as it looks like the New York Times Company will maybe, probably, definitely shut down the Boston Globe, which it owns, for not making any money at all. A journalistic reporter at today’s White House press briefing asked Robert Gibbs about the Globe’s demise, and what it all means, and whether Barack Obama will maybe bailout all of these newspapers? With more unicorn money?? Gibbs had one of those “How should I put this…” reactions. MORE »


THERE IS NO CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO PRIVACY

‘New York Times’ Officially Stalking David Souter

Monday, May 4th, 2009

It puts the lotion in the basket.Just imagine our very private and humble Supreme Court justice sitting in his secluded shack in the woods, looking out the window, only to find some nut lurking behind two trees with a macro zoom lens. Next, the NYT will boil his bunny and put him down a well, for fattening purposes. [New York Times]


AMERICA'S PUNDITS

Bono Writing New Larry King Column For NYT

Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

I can't believe the news today. I can't close my eyes and make it go away.Back when newspapers still mattered, and our finest journalists wrote important articles regarding crucial current events and our national conversation in the nation’s better daily periodicals, America knew where to turn for the best columnist covering the subjects all citizens cared about most: Larry King and his USA Today column! But then, inexplicably, about 10 years ago, USA Today killed the finest punditry in U.S. History. The newspaper business has been in free fall ever since. MORE »


NOOOOOOOOOOO

Peggy Noonan Snubbed In Every Pulitzer Category!

Monday, April 20th, 2009

Today is “Oscar Sunday” for newspapers, Pulitzer Day! This is when the various important newspapers vie for the most important prizes in the fields of journalistic news reporting and commentary before returning to their offices to get laid off or fire-sold into slavery. MORE »


PORNOGRAPHY

David Brooks Finds Love In Holy Land

Friday, April 17th, 2009

A terribly immature homophobe sent us this childish nonsense earlier about what he and his girlfriend (Princess Leia) were typing to each other on the Internet: “Me and my girlfriend have been discussing it intensely over gchat for the last 20 minutes and we’ve come to the conclusion that we’ve finally found definitive evidence that David Brooks is gay in today’s nytimes column.” Nonsense, David Brooks is white. It means nothing that his driver in Israel, a “young, hip-looking, alt-rocker dude,” protected him after their car raped another car from the rear. MORE »


FROM THE ARCHIVES

NYT Headlines Used To Be, Uh, Livelier

Monday, April 13th, 2009

COW-NEGRO-DOG would make an excellent band name, in the South.
Whoa hey what’s going on at the liberal New York Times? Let’s take a look at the actual news article, which maybe started that whole “Also.” business …. MORE »


THESE PEOPLE

New York Times Editor Says Thing About Africa That May Be Terrible, Depending On Context

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

This is basically AfricaNevermind, context is overrated, so feel free interpret this nonsense from New York Times executive editor Bill Keller in whichever way feels most comfortable: “Commenting on the keep-the-Times alive movement, Keller said: ‘Saving the New York Times now ranks with saving Darfur as a high-minded cause.’” Ha ha ha. Hmm! No. [Calderone]