In today’s edition of “Things That Are Impossible To Overstate, According To The News Media,” we return to that years-old question of whether Barack Obama either modestly dislikes women, or hates every single woman’s fucking guts. This was a hot topic last year when Barack Obama defeated a woman in a presidential primary, a heinous display of chauvinism. Why not crap on Susan B. Anthony’s grave and punch Lucretia Mott in the boob, while you’re at it? And now Obama has done something far worse: played various sports with coteries of men, instead of women. This is the very definition of being “pro-life.” MORE »

Now New York Times conservo-bot Ross Douthat DOESN’T THINK it was the worst thing ever for Obama to accept that Nobel Peace Prize, like those ideological conservatives do — those conservatives are so crazy and nuts;, he’s not like them! — but he does think, you know, maybe they have a point?? Maybe they’re on to something? It’s another Monday with Ross Douthat! MORE »

JOHN EDWARDS WANTED HIS WIFE TO DIE CONSTANTLY: The New York Times obliterated John Edwards this weekend, with its report about how he’s preparing to FINALLY be like, “yeah that’s mah baby.” Most terrifying part: “In the [book] proposal, which The New York Times examined, [former aide Andrew] Young says that he assisted the affair by setting up private meetings between Mr. Edwards and Ms. Hunter. He wrote that Mr. Edwards once calmed an anxious Ms. Hunter by promising her that after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.” Ace job, bro! [NYT]

SHUT UP, CLOWN-MOOSE: Erratic wingnut Sarah Palin is ready to rehabilitate her comical image! Only 23% of Americans approve of this fame-crazed snowbilly grifter — Hi, Republican base! — so it’s time for Palin to “write” an op-ed for the important neo-con pamphlet The Washington Post. It’s an unfunny collection of super-short paragraphs about how Obama will destroy America by, uh, let’s see, how about that cap-and-trade stuff nobody in this country understands, even though it might help the Earth, as far as the Melting? Thank Allah the entire WaPo copy desk spent a few days on this thing, so it wouldn’t read like Sarah’s late-night dumbass Twitters. [Washington Post]

Ha ha ha, Graydon Carter’s defunct satirical monthly The New Republic has produced a comical slide show titled “Celebrities With Thoughts.” Apropos of Bono’s most recent instant-classic New York Times editorial — a poetic intellectual exercise, the thrilling denouement of which is: “Could it be that all Americans are, in that sense, African-Americans?” — TNR has aggregated some quasi-contextualized gems from the nation’s op-ed pages. Each and every one is absolutely required summer beach reading. [TNR's The Plank]

Frank Bruni, food critic (for now??) at the New York Times and former George W. Bush 2000 campaign reporter, is very upset with the Obamas’ choice of fancy restaurant for their date in New York City over the weekend, where they saw a lite romantic comedy about the horrific aftermath of slavery. Bruni writes, “Well, of course the Obamas went to Blue Hill,” for the five or six humans on Earth, ever, who might understand what he means. Apparently this is what he WOULD do, because he’s too cool & safe or whatever? No one knows. MORE »

We have scanned the YouTubes for the snarliest of snarly Dick Cheney quotes this morning, because THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO COVER TODAY, ugh, and decided this part was better than the ones in which he insults the New York Times and the United States Senate and the “left-wing of the president’s party” and whatever else. Cheney argues that these LEGAL DEBATES are making America look like fags to the Terrorists, so we need to stop it with the “distractions,” which do not include mean old Dick Cheney going on the teevee every day, bitching about how Obama won’t release certain documents he needs to spice up his memoirs. [YouTube]

Looks like New York Times columnist and globe-trotter Nicholas Kristof is feeling kind of shitty about being so rich and the Africans being so poor. It is a noble (banal) sentiment, but in our limited experience, the spiritual poverty of the wealthy may suck but at least you aren’t fucking hungry all the time, and you can go to the doctor and get some mood pills, and you’re probably not going to die before your twentieth birthday, of AIDS. [Twitter]

In the words of Brian Lamb, the best human being on Earth, “Hey Ross Douthat, you seen this Wonkette thing here?” It’s a post about your New York Times “young lightning rod conservative” opinion column! It is not his debut — maybe second, or third, or fourth — but it’s the first one we’ve read so deal with it okay? It’s not bad! And because he is, again, a “youth,” he throws in many Internet hyperlinks to his sources. Clicky clicky hooray! So this post will be, unfortunately, a Civilized response to one of his points — that the grain of history favors the pro-life movement — which is less fun than just spitting blood at the computer screen, as we did for Bill Kristol. MORE »

The sad saga of America’s important newspapers has taken another downward turn, as it looks like the New York Times Company will maybe, probably, definitely shut down the Boston Globe, which it owns, for not making any money at all. A journalistic reporter at today’s White House press briefing asked Robert Gibbs about the Globe’s demise, and what it all means, and whether Barack Obama will maybe bailout all of these newspapers? With more unicorn money?? Gibbs had one of those “How should I put this…” reactions. MORE »

Just imagine our very private and humble Supreme Court justice sitting in his secluded shack in the woods, looking out the window, only to find some nut lurking behind two trees with a macro zoom lens. Next, the NYT will boil his bunny and put him down a well, for fattening purposes. [New York Times]