THE WAY WE LIVE NOW: OMFG some Mexicans are eating tacos for breakfast, in America. Trend piece? [New York Times]

Haha, we almost put “Officially Quits Race” in the headline, but how can a civil rights leader and symbol of hope/change such as David Paterson quit his own race? Anyway, so much for the dream, the dream of America’s first blind black governor. Just 11 months ago, America gathered around its communal browser and held hands and cried, just a little, as it seemed the nation’s old wounds had finally healed in the form of this wonderful man and his magical, appointed-by-somebody rise to the highest office in … Albany. But now it’s over, collapsed in a pile of cocaine and whores and thuggish sidekicks, as so many New York political/entertainment careers have collapsed. MORE »

For weeks now, several hundred people who follow New York state politics have been very excited about a possible BOMBSHELL related to David Paterson, the wacky blind governor who used to do so much blow and bang all these gals at an uptown motel. Paterson only ended up as governor by mistake — Eliot Spitzer’s mistake of loving hookers more than life itself — and nobody really gives a damn about him. Even his racial ally Barack Obama was all, “I really would rather you not run for governor, Democrats kind of have enough trouble.” So the NYT was going to Finish the Job and run this incredible sexytime story about, uh, nobody knows, maybe Paterson doing even more blow, and more girlfriends? But it’s the New York Times, America’s most timid newspaper when it comes to anything beyond DESTROYING SOVEREIGN NATIONS, as long as Washington neo-cons are pulling the trigger, so the Paterson story is an Utter Fail. MORE »

The New York Times is supposedly typey-typing its story that we already know will force David Paterson to resign before having any idea what’s in it. Why won’t David Paterson save the Times the trouble and just resign right now, for whatever? MORE »

For the last few days, hype has been building over a New York Times story of “Vicki Iseman Proportions” about New York Governor David Paterson, and how he has sex with ladies and does corrupt things and will have to resign, for having corrupt sex. The Times was going to run the story today but has delayed it until Wednesday, to work on its adjectives, perhaps. (”Should we keep it as ‘raw-dog,’ boss? Currently we have it as ‘raw-dog sex.’”) MORE »

Gawker has found a short but delicious profile of New York Times misogynist neckbeard holy warrior-columnist Ross Douthat, from his days at mean old Harvard. Here’s a fun pargraph! “His room is adorned with posters of Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe - stars from Hollywood’s glamour heyday - as well as a towering tribute to Gladiator. ‘I think that Russell Crowe’s evocation of manhood is something all men should aspire to,’ he explains, ‘particularly when there are such obvious parallels between Rome and the United States, with the combination of splendor and decadence of Empire.’” Jesus… OH WE GET IT… you were trying to play matchmaker with David Brooks when you hired Ross Douthat, weren’t you, sneaky New York Times? [Harvard Crimson via Gawker]

Poorly executed human mustache Thomas Friedman has a solution to our country’s unpopular “no jobs problem.” It involves like, everyone starting a business, right? But see the incentive (or “moral hazard”) is that everyone’s going to be selling products they invented themselves. “Obama should make the centerpiece of his presidency mobilizing a million new start-up companies that won’t just give us temporary highway jobs, but lasting good jobs that keep America on the cutting edge. The best way to counter the Tea Party movement, which is all about stopping things, is with an Innovation Movement, which is all about starting things.” If you have qualms, though, don’t have qualms! Thomas Friedman has already figured out where we’re going to get the child-aged middle schoolers (?) that are required for all new businesses. MORE »

Jesus, New York Times, if you would just quote the “something vulgar” rather than leave us all guessing, maybe the voters of Massachusetts would know whether Scott Brown is laughing about sodomy or rape or rape-sodomy or whatever. MORE »

We guess New York Times op-ed satirist Thomas Friedman went so broke with the collapse of his wife’s shopping-center fortune that now he’s forced to ride the Metro like a common poor person who doesn’t even understand how playing golf in China explains the miraculous way KFC and Taco Bell often share the same building in an Arizona mini-mall. The world is … dumb? Yes, dumb. Thanks to Wonkette Operative “Chris” for taking this shocking photograph and sharing it with the entire globalized world community.

Joe “Collywobble” Lieberman, the worst human being since Abraham Lincoln, is featured in a terrifying New York Times mini-profile for tomorrow’s edition in which — and maybe this is just us? — we detect a little bit of venom on the reporters’ pens, as their editors force them to speak to and write about this rancid, catastrophic mass of pimple pus, frozen diarrhea, and the cloned membranes and bone marrow of Beelzebub and Pol Pot, respectively. How do you write about this person objectively? How do you sit in a room, watch him grin, and not spontaneously combust? MORE »

C’MON! SINISTER DAVID BROOKS CAN’T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO NOTICED JOHN THUNE (R-SD) IS “SUN-CHAPPED” IN A “PRAIRIE” SORT OF WAY: “The first thing everybody knows about him is that he is tall (6 feet 4 inches), tanned (in a prairie, sun-chapped sort of way) and handsome (John McCain jokes that if he had Thune’s face he’d be president right now). If you wanted a Republican with the same general body type and athletic grace as Barack Obama, you’d pick Thune.” [New York Times]

BLAZING SADDLES IS LIKE OBAMA’S STAR WARS FOREIGN POLICY, YEAH?: So exactly how little power does Obama have over Hamid Karzai?: “‘You know that scene in the movie Blazing Saddles, when Cleavon Little holds the gun to his own head and threatens to shoot himself?’ asked Ronald E. Neumann, a former ambassador to Afghanistan.” [New York Times]

Look kids, this is what 10% unemployment looks like — one Men’s Room sign out of ten is filled with warm piss! The very important New York Times graphic adds, “That’s 15.7 million people. If the unemployed lived in one state, it would be the country’s fifth largest.” Great! Move ‘em all to one state, nuke it a few times, problem solved. [NYT]