Tag Archives: new york times

  all the dicks that're fit to lick

Donald Trump, Who Owns Everything But A Mirror, Called Heidi Klum Ugly

Not yooge. There I was, minding everyone’s business, reading EOnline I guess. “The woman in question this time around was supermodel Heidi Klum. ‘Sometimes I do go a little bit far,’ [Donald Trump] admitted, before adding, ‘Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.'” Read more on Donald Trump, Who Owns Everything But A Mirror, Called Heidi Klum Ugly…
  Why you hatin?

Bernie Sanders Refuses To Answer Sexist Questions About His Luxurious Mane

That's not hair, Madam, it's IDEAS.
That’s not hair, Madam, it’s IDEAS. A reporter got in BIG TROUBLE with Bernie Sanders, in a new interview for The New York Times, and it was the reporter Ana Marie Cox, who USED to be called Wonkette, like during the Truman administration when this mommyblog and recipe hub started, but she isn’t anymore, because WE are your Wonkette, so stop tweeting in our general direction as if we are she, please and thank you. Anyway, why you mad, Bernard? You don’t want to answer questions about your luxurious white locks of love? Why Old Wonkette gotta be so sexist about Bernie’s hair, yo? Read more on Bernie Sanders Refuses To Answer Sexist Questions About His Luxurious Mane…
  LISTEN UP ASSHOLES

Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob

Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS.
Bristol is here with the final word on ALL THIS BUSINESS. Attention, everyone, for Our Lady Of However Many Immaculate Conceptions, Bristol Palin, has taken to the blogotubes to discuss how the media is doing all the liberal censorship crimes to our prince and Palin family hero Donald Trump, just because he said Megyn Kelly did a bad job moderating that debate due to profuse bleeding from her “wherever.” It’s a bad situation because, for one thing, Bristol is way too busy to be commenting on such things, but WHEN HER NATION CALLS, she answers. Today, we will be discussing “decency,” or Bristol’s concept of it at least. Take it away, Mama Morals: Read more on Bristol Palin Takes Break From ISIS Battle To Slob Trump’s Knob…
  Letter to the editor

Hillary Clinton Asks New York Times To F*ck Off And Die, Thanks

That's her 'screw you' smile
It would appear that Madame Mrs. Secretary President-Elect (Almost) Hillz R. Clinton is a tad miffed that the New York Times published a completely not true in any way whatsoever story about her last week, gosh, can’t imagine why! First, the Times reported that the Department of Justice is maybe going to do a criminal investigation into Hillary Clinton using her personal email to forward classified documents to her yoga instructor, or something like that. But then the Times very slowly, over several days, changed its story to say OK, there is no criminal referral, and OK, it’s not about Hillary Clinton doing a bad, and OK, those documents weren’t classified at the time, but how were we supposed to know that? What are we, journalists? We’ll try to journalism better next time, maybe, even though we have no idea how we FUBAR’d this story so bad, oh well, shrug, whatcha gonna do? Read more on Hillary Clinton Asks New York Times To F*ck Off And Die, Thanks…
  Journalism is haaaaard

New York Times Sorry For Sucking At Journalism, Again

Sorry not sorry
Our esteemed newspaper of record told a riveting EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT NEW YORK TIMES! tale last week about a criminal inquiry into Hillary Clinton’s mishandling of classified information with her personal email. And except for how it wasn’t about Clinton mishandling classified information, and the information wasn’t classified at the time, and the inquiry wasn’t criminal, it was all true! Which is why the Times quietly changed its story overnight to be slightly less inaccurate in its telling of this WHOA IF TRUE! story of Clinton criming while Clinton. And then it changed the story again. And then it published a “correction” about how the original headline and story were not exactly right, but it’s all good now, Pulitzers please! Read more on New York Times Sorry For Sucking At Journalism, Again…
  journamalism

New York Times Writes Badass Slash Fiction About Hillary Clinton Criminal Investigation

Delete your account, NYT
In its pathological Liberal Media quest to catch Billary Clinton Doing Some Kind of Bad Thing That Is Bad Maybe, the New York Times published a devastating, campaign-destroying, earth-shattering, game-changing, smoking gun GOTCHA! story late Thursday night, and it was Not Excellent News for Hillary: Read more on New York Times Writes Badass Slash Fiction About Hillary Clinton Criminal Investigation…
  Cooking The Books

Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List

To Grift, or not to Grift...
Oh, see how the liberal New York Times is mistreating and suppressing Ted Cruz! Outrageous! Horrors! His publisher sold a bejillion copies of his new book-shaped object, A Time For Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America, but is the Times giving it the place it deserves on the Bestseller list? Obviously it is not, because the New York Times just hates books by conservatives, like Chris Kyle’s American Sniper (still on the combined book/ebook list after 72 weeks) or David Brooks’s The Road To Character, or Ann Coulter’s Adios, America!, (currently #6 and #11 on Hardcover nonfiction). Read more on Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List…
  Sloppy 50ths

Bobby Jindal Will Protect Straight Marriage The Bestest, He Can Be President Now? (Updated)

Bless his dumbass heart. Or fuck him in the ear. Whatever.
Gov. Bobby Jindal, you petulant little shit. You see, the Supreme Court spoke last week on the subject of marriage equality, and pretty much all the other states are in compliance, or on their way to getting around to doing that. Oh, there are some whiny-ass court clerks and probate judges with martyr complexes, stomping up and down about how they’re going to have to resign their jobs, due to EW GAY, because their dumb fucked-up version of Christianity compels them to put their families at financial risk over them goldurn homosexuals gettin’ hitched up proper. Read more on Bobby Jindal Will Protect Straight Marriage The Bestest, He Can Be President Now? (Updated)…
  Peas

Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole

Not in guac you don't.
Bipartisan unity was at last achieved in these United States on Wednesday after the Grey Lady, the paper of record, suggested something so horrifying that every God-fearing, patriotic American recoiled in disgust, fear and also more disgust. The Times suggested that, this 4th Of July weekend, we ought to all be putting PEAS in our guacamole. Read this blasphemous poppycock: Read more on Things That Do Not Go In Guacamole…
  Fear Of Peter King Perfectly Normal

Muslim-Hatin’ Rep: But Are White Terrorists Even Terrorists, Really?

Damn it, denial IS TOO a strategy
Congressfireplug Peter King (R-NY Somehow) was not at all impressed by last week’s report from the New America Foundation, which found that more Americans have been killed by rightwing terrorism than by Muslim extremists since 9/11. King serves on the House Homeland Security Committee, so he’ll have you know that mere numbers don’t tell the whole story, and also the report was carried in the New York Times, so it’s obviously worthless. There’s just no way that white supremacists and sovereign citizens are more dangerous than jihadis, because Pete King does not believe that. Read more on Muslim-Hatin’ Rep: But Are White Terrorists Even Terrorists, Really?…
  Aren't you jealous of IBM?

IBM Punches Gov. Bobby Jindal In Scrotum Sac Over Gay-Hating Executive Order

Which one is the face he makes when he gets punched in the dick? ALL OF THEM KATIE.
You are probably so excited about this post, because the mere idea of ANY person, place or thing punching Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal in the nuts — metaphorically, of course — brings unfettered joy into the hearts of all patriotic Americans. Last month, Jindal was reeling from the fact that the Louisiana legislature wasn’t willing to heap embarrassment upon the state, by passing a fake “religious freedom” law, similar to the Fuck The Gays laws that passed, and were subsequently gutted by big business and butthurt Republicans, in Arkansas and Indiana. But because Jindal is probably the stupidest governor in US America (and also thinks he has a shot in hell of winning the GOP presidential nomination LOL), he decided to go ahead and issue an executive order, saying that Louisiana is TOO the Fuck The Gays state, and not just in the fun sexy way that happens in New Orleans. Read more on IBM Punches Gov. Bobby Jindal In Scrotum Sac Over Gay-Hating Executive Order…
  sluts sluts sluts

Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup

Actually set in Florida, true story
Let us take a break from the perpetual celebration of the arrival of Editrix Jr., our future overlord, peace be upon her, to remind ourselves that all is not so precious and beautiful in the world, and places like Florida still exist. To wit: Where the fuck else would you find a headline like this? Read more on Oh Hey There’s A Shark In The Middle Of The Road, Guess The State: Your Florida Roundup…
  So long farewell aufwiedersehen fuck off

Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead

Don't get your old dick caught in the door on the way out.
The day you all feared would come is nigh, Wonkers: Rupert Murdoch is stepping down as CEO of 21st Century Fox and giving the company to his son James, though he will reportedly still be executive chairman of the enterprise and, according to CNBC, will likely “still have the final say on whatever goes on at Fox.” WE KNOW, dry your eyes. So many questions! Will Roger Ailes still have a job? Will Fox News continue to suck so hard? (The answers are “probably” and “definitely.”) Read more on Let’s Remember 11 Times Rupert Murdoch Was A Giant Cretinous Sh*thead…
  This is what a feminist looks like we guess?

Some Chicks Like Granny Panties, And The NYT Is ON IT!

Take THAT, patriarchy!
From the august pages of our nation’s newspaper of record, which always keeps us apprised of the national zeitgeist — like how Jeb Bush doesn’t eat enough fatty foods for Real Americans to vote for him, and some little boys don’t like wearing jeans — comes this latest trend watch from the always absurd style section of the New York Times: Read more on Some Chicks Like Granny Panties, And The NYT Is ON IT!…
  document dumps

Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots

Delete your account, NYT
The day has finally come, where we get to begin feasting at the buffet of Hillary Clinton’s emails! Will we find the underage sex slaves and the Russian blackmail? Will we finally find a bad thing for Rand Paul to use against her, because he is too lazy to find one himself? Will we find the email confirmations from Travelocity, for a quick there-and-back trip to Benghazi, so she could personally murder the American ambassador herself??? Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Emails Are Sexplosion Of Benghazi Lies, Betrayal And Glamour Shots…