Tag Archives: new york post

  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole

Listen up, you Messico losers!
Hurray, Donald Trump has finally given America Donald Trump what America Donald Trump has always wanted, by running for president of the United Trumps States of Trump America. Since he is perhaps the most ridiculous person to pretend to run for president since the last time he pretended to run for president, we figured why don’t we all sit around the fireplace (probably built by Donald Trump) and tell some funny stories about the dumbest things Trump has ever said, kinda like we would do if he was dead. Let’s go! Read more on Here Are 12 Of The Stupidest Things Ever To Come Out Of Donald Trump’s Mouth Hole…
  Everybody loses

Wingnut Millennial Picks Dumb Fight With Wingnut Boomer On Fox, Hilarity Ensues

Actual screen shot from Fox episode
So this conservative millennial lady who writes for the National Review picked a fight with this conservative boomer fart guy who “reports” for Fox Business Network, about which of their generations are worse. And we are really struggling because who should we root for? Hahah, trick question, we hope they both lose. Let’s see if we get our wish! Read more on Wingnut Millennial Picks Dumb Fight With Wingnut Boomer On Fox, Hilarity Ensues…
  Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!

Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby

Listen up, you Messico losers!
Put this guy next to the big red nuclear button, everyone! Donald Trump was speaking to some Iowa Republicans at Wartburg College, and there was a baby, and it was crying, and guess what? Trump did not lose his cool. He did not yell. He did not rage. His hair did not shoot right off his head and into neighboring Nebraska, propelled by the smoke coming out of his ears. He didn’t even make fun of the baby! You know why? Because Trump. Trump. TRUMP! Read more on Donald Trump Demonstrates Presidential Restraint By Not Screaming At Crying Baby…
  Take that haters

Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!

He's got his eye on you now, NYP
Fact: Donald Trump gave the very bestest speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit over the weekend. How do we know that’s true? Because Donald Trump says so, duh, even though the New York Post is spreading vicious lies, which we know are vicious lies because Donald Trump said so about that too: Read more on Donald Trump: Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump Trump. TRUMP!…
  Here have some news n stuff

This Iowa Cop Knows Everyone Who Plays Frisbee Golf Smokes Weed

Not so fast, man
There are a lot of stereotypes about people who engage in the inhaling of recreational marijuana, and let’s face it, they’re mostly all true, aren’t they? (Not that we would know, of course. [Okay, yeah we would totally know.]) Red eyes, slower reflexes, a ravenous hunger for whatever crappy pizza will deliver in the middle of the night, perhaps even an involuntary burst of inspiration to write some poetry about the beauty of the universe, man. But that doesn’t mean cops have a right to trick you into waiving your Fourth Amendment rights, does it? Check out this video of Officer Aaron King of the Ankney Police Department in Iowa, maybe crossing the line just a bit. Maybe. Read more on This Iowa Cop Knows Everyone Who Plays Frisbee Golf Smokes Weed…
  Dames These Days

NY Post Writer Wonders Why Dumb Broads Can’t Take A Compliment (Also: Nipples)

The New York Post’s Doree Lewak considers herself a funny gal, with her humor recalling a more enlightened time when “gal” was the preferred nomenclature. So we apologize in advance if Lewak’s paean to wolf whistles, “Hey Ladies — catcalls are flattering! Deal with it,” in yesterday’s Post was a new and highly advanced form of satire that we simply don’t understand. We will allow you to judge for yourselves. Read more on NY Post Writer Wonders Why Dumb Broads Can’t Take A Compliment (Also: Nipples)…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars

Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we turn a pressure-washer on our browser tabs and skim off the weird, just for you. Please read responsibly and do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Derp. Our Lead Derp is one of those things that we didn’t know was a thing until it was banned: the New York legislature voted last week to prohibit people from getting close enough to big cats to take pictures with them, which has the effect of banning “tiger selfies.” Which is a thing that exists, or existed: Dudebros attempting to attract a mate (and perhaps boost their mana stats) by taking a picture with big captive jungle kitties. Stephen Colbert mentioned it last week, and at first we thought it had to be a hoax, but no, this is real. There’s a collection of Tinder dating photos of Bromeos showing their manliness by cuddling with creatures that might decide to make them a snack. So far, the dudebros have only been potential candidates for the Darwin Award, and New York’s interference has now prevented this experiment from proceeding. Ah well — they can still be the control group. Read more on Derp Roundup: Tiger Selfies, Responsible Howitzer Owners, And Open Carry Guitars…
  you ain't heard nothin yet

School Superintendent Is The Very Best At Racially, Sexually Slurring His Employees, Say Employees

Sometimes, we are grudgingly impressed by the lengths that stupid/awful people will go in terms of their behavior in the workplace. Take for example one Mr. Ronald O. Ross, superintendent of the Greenburgh School District in New York, who managed to call his employees “bitch” in a stunning variety of ways, according to a lawsuit filed by said employees. And listen, you may think you know how to use the word “bitch” to slur people you work with, but this dude has modifiers you haven’t even thought of yet. You guys we are totally putting the list after the jump because it contains so many racist ways of saying “bitch” that you do not want to be gazing at this thing accidentally when your (hopefully non-slur-filled) boss walks by. Read more on School Superintendent Is The Very Best At Racially, Sexually Slurring His Employees, Say Employees…
  suck on this

Sadly, Eliot Spitzer Less Of A Horndog Than Recent Media Reports Indicate

Media, media, why hast thou forsaken us? It’s like you can’t pick up a trashy New York tabloid with wildly unfunny headlines and believe a thing they say anymore! It appears that the salacious NY Post story about Eliot ‘Client 9 Inches’ Spitzer sucking the toes of his topless girlfriend while on vacation in Jamaica was FALSE. We expect this kind of slack journalism from the hacks over at 60 Minutes, but the New York Post!?!? What is this world coming to?  Read more on Sadly, Eliot Spitzer Less Of A Horndog Than Recent Media Reports Indicate…
  hot tub slime machine

Eliot Spitzer Does Toe-Sucking To Topless Lady In Hot Tub; New York Post Is *On It*

We are not sure what is ickier: Eliot Spitzer and his girlfriend Lis Smith doing sexxytime in a hot tub in Jamaica, or the New York Post’s description of same: Sleazy Eliot Spitzer turned a resort hot tub into a steamy love cauldron over the weekend — kissing and sucking the toes of his topless mistress, Lis Smith, in front of families with children, mortified witnesses told The Post. The still-married former Love Gov and Smith, Mayor de Blasio’s ex-mouthpiece, were spied frolicking near the family pool at around 4 p.m. Sunday at the Half Moon family resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica We did not know that anyone really wrote like that, even in a tabloid, and quite frankly we think there is no reason to expose innocent readers to that sort of thing. This isn’t purple prose; it’s well into the ultraviolet spectrum. Read more on Eliot Spitzer Does Toe-Sucking To Topless Lady In Hot Tub; New York Post Is *On It*…
  green balloons

Eliot Spitzer’s Hooker Forgot Their Safeword

The New York Post sure does have a hard-on for Eliot Spitzer lately, which is funny because he does not actually hold any elected position, but that is not stopping them from calling for New York Mayor-elect Bill de Blasio to fire some chick for being porked by Spitzer, consensually, and without (presumably) an exchange involving cash, which we did not even cover because it was so fucking weird. Like, Andrea Peyser is sort of beyond mockery at this point, because we do not like to make fun of the mentally ill. :( Well, everyone laughed at them all week about it, like, what is even your damage, HEATHER, but now they are back with more, and at least this one has some sort of relevancy to something we guess, and that relevancy is that there is a hooker and she is saying way worse things about Eliot Spitzer than that he didn’t like to take off his socks. She is saying, in fact, that he liked to choke her, and we think we are supposed to be very OUTRAGED by this? (Spoiler: we are not very outraged by this.) Read more on Eliot Spitzer’s Hooker Forgot Their Safeword…
  journamalism

Tina Brown As Bad At Charity As She Is At Running Magazines And Websites

Former wunderkind editor and Number One Zombie Princess Di Fangirl Tina Brown has had a Very Bad Week. First came Buzzfeed’s report that Barry Diller will finally push her out on her toned and shapely bottom, and now the New York Post has decided to publish a scurrilous report, titled “Tina Brown’s Charity Gave Out Just $10K,” explaining that her charity, the Women in the World Foundation, only gave out a single $10 thousand grant on its $1.2 million in receipts. That is some Sarah Palin-level grifting right there. OR IS IT? Read more on Tina Brown As Bad At Charity As She Is At Running Magazines And Websites…
  hot pixxx

Today In New York Post Journalism: Woman Has Gross Cellulite

The New York Post is so naughty, you guys! Naughty naughty New York Post! What have they done today? Oh, well, they have just taken a 23-year-old woman, one who maybe is unduly sexcited to be the glamorous younger other woman at the center of a disgraced politician’s unending shame, and they have put her on the beach, and wetted her up, and then posted 23 of the most unflattering Hot Pixxx since that time your mom went to Glamour Shots. Also, she is from Indiana, and therefore her bathing suit is the worst. Guys, let’s all laugh at the dumb fat slut! Haw haw, dumb fat slut! You have bad fashion sense, and are dumb, fat and slutty! Read more on Today In New York Post Journalism: Woman Has Gross Cellulite…
  teen pregnancy don't do it!

Andrea Peyser Wants To Knock Up Your Pre-Teen

New York Post harpie-in-residence Andrea Peyser, what are you shrieking and yowling about this morning? Oh, that teen pregnancy has gone down 25 percent in New York City over the past decade, so we should stop teaching sex ed and giving out birth control? Madam, you are genius. Come, let us listen at Peyser’s gentle murmurs, together! They’ve gone too far. City schools routinely provide mandatory lessons in deviant sex to 11-year-olds. But kids can forget about wrapping their little fingers on a fattening, contraband brownie. Now schools are tinkering with young girls’ bodies at an alarming rate. Read more on Andrea Peyser Wants To Knock Up Your Pre-Teen…
  don't you worry your pretty little head

Negging Women Is The Best Way To Get Them To Vote GOP

From the “Too Little Too Late” Division of the Department of DUH, it has occurred to some Republicans that perhaps they should cultivate some lady votes next time. No idea why being absolute dicks to women voters by calling them sluts (which was, to be honest, one of the more…genteel…insults leveled) was not an awesome campaign strategy!  They haven’t come to this conclusion because of some road to Damascus type of enlightenment, some Amazing Grace-level conversion, though – it’s because they got their asses handed to them in the presidential election when all the wimmens chose the Kenyan socialist pretender instead of Mittens. Please commence with explaining your grand plan, Glenn Harlan Reynolds: Read more on Negging Women Is The Best Way To Get Them To Vote GOP… Read more on Negging Women Is The Best Way To Get Them To Vote GOP…