Death, it has been omnipresent this annum. Most humans have expired. This datum is known by Mme. Peggington Noonington, a prosemonger famous to children, and regal oligarch wordsmith for the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet. Peggington did not faceth the Grim Reaper this year. For someone who was born in 1820’s London, in the actual Buckingham Palace, this is rare. It is rare for a human to survive into her ninth score. We know this, we feel this. Peggington: cognizant of this. Now it is Thanks-Giving time. Her Thanks are simple. Puritan. Nay. Catholic. Ahh, Catholicism. To be alive, imbibing the firewater of Bean Extract, moving one’s digits swiftly across the input buttons of a Robot: “I am grateful for a great deal, especially: I’m here. I’m drinking coffee as I write, and the sun is so bright, I had to close the blinds to keep the glare from the computer.” MORE »

Retarded pussy John Shadegg has apologized to Michael Bloomberg for saying, on the House floor, that Bloomberg’s daughter would be kidnapped by Muslim terrorists if another terrorist is given a criminal trial in a New York City court of law: “I apologize for the insensitivity of my remarks with respect to the Mayor or his family, however…” — here we go, the ominous “however” — “…I think it is important to note that this decision involves potential risk to innocent people.” From what we hear, Michael Bloomberg’s daugher ain’t so innocent, oh ho ho… ho ho… we’ll shutup now. [NYDN]

Insane Arizona Rep. John Shadegg has some experience with kidnapping children, so he knows what these Muzzies are thinking: “I saw the mayor of New York said today, ‘We’re tough. We can do it.’ Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it’s your daughter that’s kidnapped at school by a terrorist?” MORE »

• THE WORST DECISION ANY MEMBER OF ANY SPECIES OF ANY GENUS HAS MADE SINCE THE CAMBRIAN EXPLOSION, OR EARLIER: Andy McCarthy is easily the nuttiest wingnut on National Review’s The Corner — the #1 Internet blog — and it was a delight to read his reaction to the announcement of KSM’s trial in New York City: “The decision to bring Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four other top al-Qaeda terrorists to New York City for a civilian trial is one of the most irresponsible ever made by a presidential administration.” He explains that this fits perfectly into Lord Voldemort’s latest scheme to return to full power. [National Review]

THIS MAN WAS NOMINATED TO BE SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: “A judge tossed former NYPD commissioner Bernard Kerik in jail for trying to taint the jury pool via the Internet Tuesday — days before the top cop’s corruption trial starts. Federal Judge Stephen Robinson approved a prosecution request to revoke Kerik’s bail after they discovered non-public documents placed on a Web site affiliated with Kerik’s defense.” Ron Paul Forums? [NYDN]

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani — the only mayor in American history to have commercial airplanes take down his city’s two most prominent buildings — is now “thtumping” for Mayor Bloomberg in New York City in his campaign against Democrat Bill Thompson. Did you know that Bill Thompson is black, old Jewish people? Rudy fears a return to the New York of old — “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” MORE »

• WHITE HOUSE HALF-ASSEDLY ENDORSES WHATEVER DEMOCRAT IS RUNNING AGAINST MICHAEL BLOOMBERG: Ha ha ha someone asked Robert Gibbs whether Barack Obama would endorse guaranteed Democratic loser “Bill Thompson” over Michael Bloomberg in the upcoming New York mayoral election, and Gibbs responded, “The president is the leader of the Democratic Party and as that would support the Democratic nominee.” Can’t “look weak,” you know! [Gawker]

Oh ho ho, a secret human, unearthed? We have found the Third Goldberg: Lucianne, Jonah, and now Joshua — who is running for New York City Council representing the Upper West Side! As a Republican, of course, so… yeah. Just a complete waste of time, this campaign. MORE »

Hey America! Those of you without the “luck” to be in Washington D.C. freezing your balls off while the new president was sworn in still had the wonderful opportunity to freeze your balls off someplace else instead while watching the exact same thing! For example, many people in New York City who could have hung out in warm places, like BARS, instead decided to go to Times Square and stand cheek by jowl with 1.5 billion of their fellow citizens watching the guy on the Jumbotron stuttering through his oath of office. MORE »

It’s no joke, people! Voting lines in New York are just NUTS. But if the Obama campaign supplies “Comfort Teams” like they’re doing in Georgia, you will all get water and hot chocolate soon, and maybe a hand job for your troubles. Two sort of detailed reports after the jump. Send your informations to tips@wonkette, if you have more exciting things to share! MORE »

Here is a very special TO-DO with all the bars in DC and New York (and Arizona and Bangkok) that will be hosting Big Election Night Parties. (More U.S. and Global parties are here!) Go sake o’bombing and see the Yes We Can-Can! dancers because who knew there are so many alcohol-Obama hybrid puns that we can believe in? Also, what’s a party without celebrities? Here we have some gal who used to be on American Idol and star of MTV’s The Hills Jeffrey Rosen. MORE »