THIS MAN WAS NOMINATED TO BE SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: “A judge tossed former NYPD commissioner Bernard Kerik in jail for trying to taint the jury pool via the Internet Tuesday — days before the top cop’s corruption trial starts. Federal Judge Stephen Robinson approved a prosecution request to revoke Kerik’s bail after they discovered non-public documents placed on a Web site affiliated with Kerik’s defense.” Ron Paul Forums? [NYDN]

Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani — the only mayor in American history to have commercial airplanes take down his city’s two most prominent buildings — is now “thtumping” for Mayor Bloomberg in New York City in his campaign against Democrat Bill Thompson. Did you know that Bill Thompson is black, old Jewish people? Rudy fears a return to the New York of old — “You know exactly what I’m talking about.” MORE »

• WHITE HOUSE HALF-ASSEDLY ENDORSES WHATEVER DEMOCRAT IS RUNNING AGAINST MICHAEL BLOOMBERG: Ha ha ha someone asked Robert Gibbs whether Barack Obama would endorse guaranteed Democratic loser “Bill Thompson” over Michael Bloomberg in the upcoming New York mayoral election, and Gibbs responded, “The president is the leader of the Democratic Party and as that would support the Democratic nominee.” Can’t “look weak,” you know! [Gawker]

Oh ho ho, a secret human, unearthed? We have found the Third Goldberg: Lucianne, Jonah, and now Joshua — who is running for New York City Council representing the Upper West Side! As a Republican, of course, so… yeah. Just a complete waste of time, this campaign. MORE »

Hey America! Those of you without the “luck” to be in Washington D.C. freezing your balls off while the new president was sworn in still had the wonderful opportunity to freeze your balls off someplace else instead while watching the exact same thing! For example, many people in New York City who could have hung out in warm places, like BARS, instead decided to go to Times Square and stand cheek by jowl with 1.5 billion of their fellow citizens watching the guy on the Jumbotron stuttering through his oath of office. MORE »

It’s no joke, people! Voting lines in New York are just NUTS. But if the Obama campaign supplies “Comfort Teams” like they’re doing in Georgia, you will all get water and hot chocolate soon, and maybe a hand job for your troubles. Two sort of detailed reports after the jump. Send your informations to tips@wonkette, if you have more exciting things to share! MORE »

Here is a very special TO-DO with all the bars in DC and New York (and Arizona and Bangkok) that will be hosting Big Election Night Parties. (More U.S. and Global parties are here!) Go sake o’bombing and see the Yes We Can-Can! dancers because who knew there are so many alcohol-Obama hybrid puns that we can believe in? Also, what’s a party without celebrities? Here we have some gal who used to be on American Idol and star of MTV’s The Hills Jeffrey Rosen. MORE »

GAHHHHH what the hell, why is this furry with a massive throat cancer oxygen hole thing in its neck allowed to prey on innocent New York CBS anchor Harry Smith? Because it’s a Republican furry, of course! Remember in 2004 how all lobotomized college/young Republicans would walk around like fucktards in FLIP FLOP COSTUMES because of, what, something about that fag peace-slut John Kerry from France? Well this is the 2008 version and yes, be scared, because these furry squirrels are protesting ACORN. GAME OVER n00bama go back to INDOCHINA with your FAKE DAD from OUTER MUSLIM SPACE. The furries have a blog called [Acorns Don't Fall Far From The Tree]

Here’s your “Friday Fun Video” that has nothing to do with politics, thank GOD. This week, Wonkette videographer Liz Glover is wearing her other hat as BlackBook reporter in New York City for Fashion Week, an event to honor 9/11 with fancy clothes. Liz interviews insane “art film” director and actor Vincent Gallo and asks him, comically, if his leather jacket is “pleather.” Gallo loses his shit and threatens to track down Liz and fuck her up. Ha ha! Liz responds that her father was in ‘Nam, which he was. [BlackBook]

All of the week’s partisan bickering and lipstick-related nastiness can’t change the fact that both Barack Obama and John McCain want what’s best for this country, except for Barack Obama. Now we will liveblog the endless string of platitudes and remonstrances to “never forget” that are required of any politician commemorating the day when Rudy Giuliani failed to protect his city from two commercial airliners. CNN informs us that the candidates will not speak together at tonight’s special 9/11 Commemorative Service Forum, which we guess means that one of them will be held in a Silence Cone with a crying bald eagle until the other one is done delivering his canned answers to Judy Woodruff. Let’s roll! MORE »

DOES HIS WIFE KNOW WHERE HE IS?: Yesterday the videographers at TMZ ran into disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, just a-walkin’ the streets of New York City! He was evidently searching for new prostitutes while carrying a tabbed folder, which was also filled with prostitutes. In this 20-second video, Spitzer says that he is “working,” which is black street slang for “being a homeless STD-riddled bum.” Eliot Spitzer is completely naked for this entire video. [TMZ]