Tag Archives: new york city

  location location causation

Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously

parking not included
Were you concerned conservatives would never locate the real “smoking gun” that proves the Great Global Warming Hoax? Well, hold on to your coal, Holy Rollers, because Breitbart LLC finally unearthed definitive proof of the Greenstapo’s climate conspiracy: New York City real estate is really fucking expensive! Read more on Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously…
  We Just Like Saying 'Quinnipiac'

NYPD Making Friends And Influencing People, Except The Opposite Of That

Not actual NYPD officers
New York cops may want to rethink whether they were making friends and influencing people when they turned their backs on Mayor Bill de Blasio at funerals of two murdered NYPD officers. A new Quinnipiac University poll of New York City voters found that on the whole, people disapproved of the act by a margin of 69-27 percent. Only one demographic category approved, and just barely: Republicans were cool with it, 51-47 percent. Even cop-friendly Staten Island residents disapproved, although by the narrowest margin of any borough, with 50 percent disapproving and 47 percent approving. Read more on NYPD Making Friends And Influencing People, Except The Opposite Of That…
  Everybody Say Ewwww

NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation

Everyone in the photos behind me would slap me if they heard what I'm saying. Joke's on them -- theyr'e dead!
This ought to go well. Since the NYPD is still feeling most butthurt indeed that Mayor Bill de Blasio hasn’t yet fired his black son or burned his wife’s wardrobe, some of the city’s finest are looking to other sources for advice on building better relations with the black community. Or at least in the case of the Sergeants Benevolent Association, the NYPD sergeants’ union, they met last week in Washington DC with several “national African-American leaders,” including Alveda King, Martin Luther King’s rightwing niece, and E.W. Jackson, the former Virginia lieutenant-governor candidate who’s OK with segregation, believes that Planned Parenthood has been worse for the black community than the KKK, and that the 3/5 compromise was a pretty good thing since it at least gave slaves some political recognition. No, we did not make that up. Did we mention he’s a Republican? Read more on NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks

Mayor Bill de Blasio, he’s got a problem with the Rank and File because he won’t let them stop all the black men and pat down their genitals for being OBVIOUS CRIMERS. (Yes, we know we have a dangling genital in there. That is because it is the penises doing the crimes.) But did you know his wife, a former lesbian (never forget) went to that NYPD funeral for Officer Liu in a Fuck the NYPD t-shirt, pretty much? (No she didn’t.) Okay, well if she didn’t go to the funeral in a fetching vintage 1988 Straight Outta Compton concert tour number, she WORE JEANS. (She still didn’t.) Read more on NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks…
  Notorious BDB

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It

Thanks to the NYPD’s recent unofficial work stoppage, it’s a great time to be a public urinator in New York. Loiterers are going shockingly unticketed and jaywalkers are free to ply their trade with impunity. There is, however, one suspected criminal in the city who’s getting plenty of police attention: Mayor Bill de Blasio. Read more on NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It…
  Here have some news n stuff

At The Times, A Call For New York Cops To Do Their F*cking Jobs

Take a nap on your own time
It would seem the editorial writers of the usually sedate New York Times are a tad miffed about a thing. And it’s not how hard it is to find good help these days to make organic artisanal vegan food for Little Junior, or how the ladies need to stop being more successful than the menfolk and just marry whatever Tom, Dick, or Harry is interested. Nope, the Times is, in fact, righteously and justifiably a tad miffed — and by “a tad miffed,” we mean AS MAD AS HELL at New York’s “finest” — and they are NOT going to take it anymore: Read more on At The Times, A Call For New York Cops To Do Their F*cking Jobs…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  dept. of oh shut up

Here’s Everything That Killed Eric Garner (Other Than A Cop)

For a bunch of people who forever criticize liberals for “never letting a crisis go to waste,” conservatives sure are trying hard to tie their onerous taxes hobbyhorse (among other things) to Eric Garner’s death. Sen. Rand Paul was the most prominent but by no means the only member of the right to try watering the tree of liberty with the blood of stupid. Here are a few more we have collected for you to read, because we hate you. (Kidding! We love you! Buy our coffee mugs!) Read more on Here’s Everything That Killed Eric Garner (Other Than A Cop)…
  Here have some news n stuff

Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really.

That's one way to teach it
We all know that abstinence-only education and purity balls, where you pledge to save yourself for Daddy and Jesus, do not actually prevent kids from doing sex to each other. (We do all know that, right?) But there’s a new study that suggests real sex ed actually does the very thing that fake sex ed pretends to do: keeps kids from doing sex. Read more on Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really….
  Pants Off Hands Full Can't Lose

Catholic League Guy Worried The Gays Just Can’t Resist ‘Bating During St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Everybody get on the Fap Float
Catholic League President and sole known member Bill “I think more about gay sex than any gay person ever has” Donohue has some Very Serious Concerns about the propriety of allowing gay groups to participate in next year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York City. You see, after 25 years, several of the most recent marked by intense eye-rolling and heavy sighs from people who aren’t raving haters, the parade is finally lifting its ban on openly gay marchers. But wait just a danged minute, says Donohue. In an interview with SiriusXM Progressive Radio’s Michelangelo Signorile, Donahue fretted that gays — you know how those gays are — might simply lose control of themselves and start masturbating furiously all over the parade route, as one does sometimes? Read more on Catholic League Guy Worried The Gays Just Can’t Resist ‘Bating During St. Patrick’s Day Parade…
  bow your heads with great respect and genuflect! genuflect! genuflect!

‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’

George Carlin, like Kurt Vonnegut and Isaac Asimov, is up in heaven now. And he is almost certainly looking down at New York City and preparing twenty minutes of standup for all his fellow atheist angels on this story: after three years of negotiations to name a street after him, “George Carlin Way” is finally a reality. And in a bureaucratic screwup, the section of West 121st Street that was renamed ended up being two blocks, not the single block that had been agreed upon, and so one of the addresses on that two-block stretch is the very Catholic church whose priests opposed honoring Carlin and had negotiated hard to not be on George Carlin Way. Read more on ‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we steam-clean our browser tabs and scrape together all the stories that weren’t worth their own posts, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. We recommend you numb yourself against the dumbassery that is sure to follow. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  when wingnut eyes are not smiling

Bill De Blasio Spurns The Irish To Hang With The Gays And The Drag Queens On St. Patrick’s Day, Impeach

Earlier this month, New York mayor Bill de Blasio said he was going to skip the drunkest parade ever, the NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade, because that parade will let the gays be marchers as long as they don’t in any fashion say that they are gay, because ewwwww. Both Rudy Giuliani and Michael Bloomberg had merrily marched along, so it was a mildly big deal that de Blasio was going to decline the honor of dodging Irish puke all day. Yesterday, de Blasio upped the ante and said not only was he not going to march in the big parade, he was instead going to roll over and hang out with the gays and the drag queens and the degenerates instead. Instead of the 5th Avenue parade, Mayor de Blasio, City Council Speaker Viverito along with countless other notable New York politicians, will be marching in the LGBT inclusive “St. Pat’s For All” Parade in Queens. OH SNAP! YA BURNT, ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE. Read more on Bill De Blasio Spurns The Irish To Hang With The Gays And The Drag Queens On St. Patrick’s Day, Impeach…
  take the disability benefits and run

Former New York Cops Charged With So Much 9/11 Disability Fraud

Over 100 former New York City employees, mostly police, have been charged in a huge scheme to collect undeserved disability benefits, many of them claiming they were suffering from psychological effects of the 9/11 attacks. Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus R. Vance Jr. said “The brazenness is shocking.” More than 100 people were arrested, including 72 city police officers, eight firefighters, five correction officers and one Nassau County Police Department officer. Four ringleaders coached the former workers on how to feign depression and other mental health problems that allowed them to get payouts as high as $500,000 over decades, Vance said. The ringleaders made tens of thousands of dollars in secret kickbacks, he said. Isn’t it reassuring to know that no matter how noble an effort to help people might be, there will always be jerkwads who rush in to swipe stuff that should be going to people who really need it? Read more on Former New York Cops Charged With So Much 9/11 Disability Fraud…
  gin and jews

Peggy Noonan Does Not Care For Living In Red New York With Its Graceless Communist Leader

These were anxious days in the suite of rooms above Manhattan that Peggy Noonan called home. First there was the arctic blast of a snowstorm that swept into the city and shut down everything, the air so cold the gin froze right in the bottle the minute she carried it out of the Upper East Side bodega where she had purchased it. Here she was, a scribe of some importance, a woman who had written speeches for presidents and books for people who moved their lips while reading them, hunched over her kitchen sink using an icepick to chip away at the frozen block of gin clogging the neck of the bottle. Forced into this humiliating position because with public transportation shut down her man-servant could not make it to Manhattan from whatever godforsaken Bronx hellhole he lived in with his nineteen relatives, all of whom were named Manuel. “But Meesus Noonan,” he had whined earlier on the phone, “there is no heat here and I must huddle with my family to keep them warm. The baby, she is so tiny…” Peggy scowled and waved her icepick at the portrait of Robert Taft with which she sometimes conversed. “De Blasio’s New York,” she muttered. “One day that socialist has been the mayor and already the Manuels of this city are turning on us. Next I suppose that commie will tell me I have a moral obligation to pay my man-servant a decent wage so he can at least afford a space heater for his tenement to keep his family from turning into chipotle-flavored popsicles. Oh Mr. Taft!” She threw the icepick aside and dashed the bottle against the edge of the sink. The glass fell away, leaving her with a bottle-shaped ice cube made of gin, which she began to lick greedily as the gin melted and sluiced down her chin. “This used to be a decent city…” Read more on Peggy Noonan Does Not Care For Living In Red New York With Its Graceless Communist Leader…
  viva la revolucion!

Bill De Blasio Sworn In As New York City Mayor, Promises A Banker’s Head In Every Pot

Many of you were probably too hung over on Wednesday to remember that it was the day Bill de Blasio was inaugurated as mayor of New York City. It was a wonderful and festive day, though perhaps tinged with fear at what the city’s future in the grip of this mad Communist dictator may be. For those who missed it, Wonkette presents this transcript of de Blasio’s inaugural address. Greetings, comrades! Today is a glorious day for our revolution, a day we have dreamed of, planned and schemed for since the days when our forefathers and fellow travelers would gather in the back room of Morty Feinbaum’s haberdashery on Pitt just off Delancey to drink Morty’s homemade potato vodka and plot their evisceration of the aristocratic classes! For today is the day that I, Bill de Blasio, take control of the greatest city ever, New York City! (pause for applause, cheers, any dudebros in audience to chant “N-Y-C!”) Proletarians of the heroic working classes! I thank you for investing me with this awesome power. I thank you for ignoring the dire warnings of our fascist capitalist pig-dog enemies who kept telling you that a vote for Bill de Blasio was a vote for socialism, communism, and a return to the New York of the 1970s, when the city was a hellscape of criminality and our only hope lay with one man … a man driven by a thirst for revenge, a man who had only a gun and a Death Wish. (Pause for dudebros to chant “Charlie! Charlie!”) Read more on Bill De Blasio Sworn In As New York City Mayor, Promises A Banker’s Head In Every Pot…
  that's not racial transcendence

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg: Why Must Racist Bill De Blasio Have A Black Wife And Son?

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg is something of a dick. This is not a “new” experience for New Yorkers, who have in their infinite wisdom elected Rudy Giuliani, Ed Koch, and, hrm, other people, we don’t know, LaGuardia seemed nice? ANYHOO. Ol’ Bloomberg up there is just cold runnin’ around, takin’ Sarah Palin’s Big Gulps, explaining why the police stopping and frisking black people based on the color of their skin has nothing to do with the color of their skin … and calling mayoral candidate Bill De Blasio “racist” for having a black son. Oh, New York. Change. Read more on New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg: Why Must Racist Bill De Blasio Have A Black Wife And Son?…
  buttsechs

Eliot Spitzer’s Comptroller Race Just Got A Lot More Frottage

The last time we saw Thomas Lopez-Pierre, he was writing a pretty awesome letter about Jews. He loved boning Jewesses! He once saved some Hasidic kids by going after other black kids with a broken bottle! He remembers that Jews helped out in the ’60s civil rights fights! He just didn’t like it when Jews were greedy. It was a hell of a letter! Well now, Eliot Spitzer — you remember him, he was that guy? — has quite unaccountably been campaigning alongside Thomas Lopez-Pierre. And Spitzer’s opponent for NYC controller comptroller (goddammit), Scott Stringer, was all “eh, maybe not campaigning alongside the BALLS-OUT RACISTS, EH?” (For some reason, in our imaginings, Scott Stringer is Canadian.) And then Scott Stringer held a press conference to denounce and reject, but did not show up at his own press conference? But Thomas Lopez-Pierre did! And that is when, says NYC Assemblywoman Linda Rosenthal, Lopez-Pierre rubbed his penis on her butt like a common subway rider. HOLY FUCK. Read more on Eliot Spitzer’s Comptroller Race Just Got A Lot More Frottage…
  police blotter

Slap-Happy Newspaper Publisher Just Can’t Stop Slapping People In The Face

Ahem: WestView News publisher George Capsis slapped a young man several times across his face during an 11:30 a.m. rally [for New York mayoral candidate Christine Quinn] at the base of St. Vincent’s Hospital, according to witnesses. Well, we are sure that happens all the time, right? Sadly, yes! Read more on Slap-Happy Newspaper Publisher Just Can’t Stop Slapping People In The Face…
  cool story hansel

London Mayor Kills The Malaysian Prime Minister (With ‘Jokes’)

Hey ladies! Are you looking to go to college, Lean In, and really get ahead in this world? Perhaps you are from a predominantly Muslim country and you are trying to break glass ceilings over there so we don’t have to break glass ceilings over here, something something mixed metaphors. Well, if you are one of those women in Malaysia who will make up 68% of the incoming college class, the Mayor of London is so glad that you are looking to the University system to find a suitable husband for yourself. Via Raw Story: The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has been accused of casual sexism after joking that the increase in the number of women attending university in Malaysia was down to their desire to find a husband. HAHAHA, its so funny and awesome to belittle women in foreign countries who may be seeking to make a better life for themselves. Because everyone knows that women only go to college to find husbands who can take care of them, amirite ladies! And who better for Mayor Johnson to say this to than the Malaysian Prime Minister, while also probably inviting him to derelicte … his balls. Let’s sexplore.  Read more on London Mayor Kills The Malaysian Prime Minister (With ‘Jokes’)…
  you got a real durty mouth

NYC Mayoral Hopefuls Totally Cool With You Sucking On Your Baby’s Freshly Snipped Peen

New York Mag has a nice little roundup today of mayoral hopefuls’ reactions to the greatest question facing New York City today: before a mohel completes the “beautiful ancient ritual” of sucking the blood off your baby’s weiner, should you have to sign a consent form acknowledging that this practice has led to babies getting herpes, brain damage, and death? Or is a consent form the greatest type of Tyranny our Great Nation has ever known? Let us put on our Talmudic Scholar cap, and suck on this question for a while. Read more on NYC Mayoral Hopefuls Totally Cool With You Sucking On Your Baby’s Freshly Snipped Peen…