Tag Archives: new york city

  nice time!

Afternoon Nicest Time: The Time Young Handsome Joe Biden Fell In Love With Gay Marriage

evan hurst. just kidding, it's young handsome joe biden!
Old Handsome Joe Biden gives the best speeches ever. They might even be better than Barack Obama’s! Tough call, but at least we can all agree that they’re better than anything that ever slithered out of a Republican’s thin-lipped maw-hole. Thursday night, Vice President Biden spoke at the Freedom To Marry Celebration Of Victory gala in New York, and hoo boy, it was a doozy. For instance, how did Joe Biden stop worrying and learn to love the gay marriages? Well, it was from his Dad Biden, who was obviously very evolved on these issues! Read more on Afternoon Nicest Time: The Time Young Handsome Joe Biden Fell In Love With Gay Marriage…
  nice time!

Chin Up, New York Poors, You No Longer Have To Use Separate-But-Equal Doors

Hey poors, good news about the doors!
Among the many methods we as Americans have to communicate to poorer folks that they’re Less Than, New York’s “poor doors” have to be one of the grossest. If you’re not familiar, developers in the city would get huge tax breaks for including “affordable housing” (by New York standards) in their projects, but because of a loophole, they were allowed to create special entrances, only for the poors, that lead to the residences of the poors. Out of sight, out of mind, right? And they couldn’t use the nice people doors, the ones that led to beautiful swimming pools, rooftop decks and diamond-encrusted blowjob Candy Land parlors or whatever’s hot in The City these days. Why would the poors need that stuff anyway? Read more on Chin Up, New York Poors, You No Longer Have To Use Separate-But-Equal Doors…
  Sad boner :(

If Your Erection Lasts Longer Than 6 Days, Better Hope You’re Not In A New York Jail

They make noise???
So here is a frivolous lawsuit, one that shows just how litigious our society has become and why we need TORT REFORM!!! Rodney Cotton was in jail at the Manhattan Detention Complex in New York, and due to an antidepressant he was taking, Risperdal, he got a boner FOR SIX DAYS. According to his lawsuit, two separate jail doctors decided the best way to treat his priapism (a known side effect of the drugs) was to give him Tylenol and ice packs, which is, science fact, NOT how you treat such a condition. On the fourth day, he finally was taken to Bellevue Hospital for surgery, but it was too late. Cotton’s dick does not work anymore. Read more on If Your Erection Lasts Longer Than 6 Days, Better Hope You’re Not In A New York Jail…
  nice time!

‘Dad’ Gay Marries ‘Son’ In Pennsylvania, But Not In A Gross Kid-Touching Way

Not an exact rendering of the couple.
Oh no, the slippery slope the religious right has been warning us about for decades is real! Boys marrying boys, cowboys marrying horses, cowgirls marrying toasters, and now, in Pennsylvania, a father has gone and married his own son. BUT WAIT, stop running away! This is actually a Nice Time, and heartwarming, and is NOT AT ALL about kid-touching. Read more on ‘Dad’ Gay Marries ‘Son’ In Pennsylvania, But Not In A Gross Kid-Touching Way…
  location location causation

Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously

parking not included
Were you concerned conservatives would never locate the real “smoking gun” that proves the Great Global Warming Hoax? Well, hold on to your coal, Holy Rollers, because Breitbart LLC finally unearthed definitive proof of the Greenstapo’s climate conspiracy: New York City real estate is really fucking expensive! Read more on Pricey New York Real Estate Proves Global Warming Is A Hoax, Obviously…
  We Just Like Saying 'Quinnipiac'

NYPD Making Friends And Influencing People, Except The Opposite Of That

Not actual NYPD officers
New York cops may want to rethink whether they were making friends and influencing people when they turned their backs on Mayor Bill de Blasio at funerals of two murdered NYPD officers. A new Quinnipiac University poll of New York City voters found that on the whole, people disapproved of the act by a margin of 69-27 percent. Only one demographic category approved, and just barely: Republicans were cool with it, 51-47 percent. Even cop-friendly Staten Island residents disapproved, although by the narrowest margin of any borough, with 50 percent disapproving and 47 percent approving. Read more on NYPD Making Friends And Influencing People, Except The Opposite Of That…
  Everybody Say Ewwww

NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation

Everyone in the photos behind me would slap me if they heard what I'm saying. Joke's on them -- theyr'e dead!
This ought to go well. Since the NYPD is still feeling most butthurt indeed that Mayor Bill de Blasio hasn’t yet fired his black son or burned his wife’s wardrobe, some of the city’s finest are looking to other sources for advice on building better relations with the black community. Or at least in the case of the Sergeants Benevolent Association, the NYPD sergeants’ union, they met last week in Washington DC with several “national African-American leaders,” including Alveda King, Martin Luther King’s rightwing niece, and E.W. Jackson, the former Virginia lieutenant-governor candidate who’s OK with segregation, believes that Planned Parenthood has been worse for the black community than the KKK, and that the 3/5 compromise was a pretty good thing since it at least gave slaves some political recognition. No, we did not make that up. Did we mention he’s a Republican? Read more on NYPD Union Seeks Advice On Racism From Terribly Sane Pastor Who Loves Segregation…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks

Mayor Bill de Blasio, he’s got a problem with the Rank and File because he won’t let them stop all the black men and pat down their genitals for being OBVIOUS CRIMERS. (Yes, we know we have a dangling genital in there. That is because it is the penises doing the crimes.) But did you know his wife, a former lesbian (never forget) went to that NYPD funeral for Officer Liu in a Fuck the NYPD t-shirt, pretty much? (No she didn’t.) Okay, well if she didn’t go to the funeral in a fetching vintage 1988 Straight Outta Compton concert tour number, she WORE JEANS. (She still didn’t.) Read more on NYC Mayor’s Wife Wore Old Dungarees To NYPD Funeral, Says Everyone On The Facebooks…
  Notorious BDB

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It

Thanks to the NYPD’s recent unofficial work stoppage, it’s a great time to be a public urinator in New York. Loiterers are going shockingly unticketed and jaywalkers are free to ply their trade with impunity. There is, however, one suspected criminal in the city who’s getting plenty of police attention: Mayor Bill de Blasio. Read more on NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It…
  Here have some news n stuff

At The Times, A Call For New York Cops To Do Their F*cking Jobs

Take a nap on your own time
It would seem the editorial writers of the usually sedate New York Times are a tad miffed about a thing. And it’s not how hard it is to find good help these days to make organic artisanal vegan food for Little Junior, or how the ladies need to stop being more successful than the menfolk and just marry whatever Tom, Dick, or Harry is interested. Nope, the Times is, in fact, righteously and justifiably a tad miffed — and by “a tad miffed,” we mean AS MAD AS HELL at New York’s “finest” — and they are NOT going to take it anymore: Read more on At The Times, A Call For New York Cops To Do Their F*cking Jobs…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  dept. of oh shut up

Here’s Everything That Killed Eric Garner (Other Than A Cop)

You think you're Doing Unto Others? Really, bitch?
For a bunch of people who forever criticize liberals for “never letting a crisis go to waste,” conservatives sure are trying hard to tie their onerous taxes hobbyhorse (among other things) to Eric Garner’s death. Sen. Rand Paul was the most prominent but by no means the only member of the right to try watering the tree of liberty with the blood of stupid. Here are a few more we have collected for you to read, because we hate you. (Kidding! We love you! Buy our coffee mugs!) Read more on Here’s Everything That Killed Eric Garner (Other Than A Cop)…
  Here have some news n stuff

Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really.

That's one way to teach it
We all know that abstinence-only education and purity balls, where you pledge to save yourself for Daddy and Jesus, do not actually prevent kids from doing sex to each other. (We do all know that, right?) But there’s a new study that suggests real sex ed actually does the very thing that fake sex ed pretends to do: keeps kids from doing sex. Read more on Surprise! Real Sex Ed Really Works. No, Really….
  Pants Off Hands Full Can't Lose

Catholic League Guy Worried The Gays Just Can’t Resist ‘Bating During St. Patrick’s Day Parade

Everybody get on the Fap Float
Catholic League President and sole known member Bill “I think more about gay sex than any gay person ever has” Donohue has some Very Serious Concerns about the propriety of allowing gay groups to participate in next year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York City. You see, after 25 years, several of the most recent marked by intense eye-rolling and heavy sighs from people who aren’t raving haters, the parade is finally lifting its ban on openly gay marchers. But wait just a danged minute, says Donohue. In an interview with SiriusXM Progressive Radio’s Michelangelo Signorile, Donahue fretted that gays — you know how those gays are — might simply lose control of themselves and start masturbating furiously all over the parade route, as one does sometimes? Read more on Catholic League Guy Worried The Gays Just Can’t Resist ‘Bating During St. Patrick’s Day Parade…
  bow your heads with great respect and genuflect! genuflect! genuflect!

‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’

George Carlin, like Kurt Vonnegut and Isaac Asimov, is up in heaven now. And he is almost certainly looking down at New York City and preparing twenty minutes of standup for all his fellow atheist angels on this story: after three years of negotiations to name a street after him, “George Carlin Way” is finally a reality. And in a bureaucratic screwup, the section of West 121st Street that was renamed ended up being two blocks, not the single block that had been agreed upon, and so one of the addresses on that two-block stretch is the very Catholic church whose priests opposed honoring Carlin and had negotiated hard to not be on George Carlin Way. Read more on ‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’…