Tag Archives: new york

  nice time!

Chin Up, New York Poors, You No Longer Have To Use Separate-But-Equal Doors

Hey poors, good news about the doors!
Among the many methods we as Americans have to communicate to poorer folks that they’re Less Than, New York’s “poor doors” have to be one of the grossest. If you’re not familiar, developers in the city would get huge tax breaks for including “affordable housing” (by New York standards) in their projects, but because of a loophole, they were allowed to create special entrances, only for the poors, that lead to the residences of the poors. Out of sight, out of mind, right? And they couldn’t use the nice people doors, the ones that led to beautiful swimming pools, rooftop decks and diamond-encrusted blowjob Candy Land parlors or whatever’s hot in The City these days. Why would the poors need that stuff anyway? Read more on Chin Up, New York Poors, You No Longer Have To Use Separate-But-Equal Doors…
  Enjoying the free market?

Whole Foods Busted For Overpriced Organic Vegan Tofu Yuppie Chow

Probably his fault somehow
Stop the recycled paper presses, Whole Foods is gouging its customers! Wait, we knew that, didn’t we? Yes. We mean, more than we even knew! According to an EXCLUSIVE report by NY Daily News, the New York Department of Consumer Affairs has been watching the sneaky way grocery stores throughout the city, especially Whole Foods, have been free marketing customers, with inaccurate labels: Read more on Whole Foods Busted For Overpriced Organic Vegan Tofu Yuppie Chow…
  If Basil Fawlty Ran A School

Teacher Fired For Saying ‘Sandy Hook’ During Safety Drill Inspired By Sandy Hook

May also have mentioned The War
So here’s an important lesson for teachers everywhere: You need to prepare children for emergencies, but never ever tell them why, because it might upset a parent. GiGi Kearns, a supervisor of after-school programs for a private contractor in New York, was let go because she explained what Sandy Hook shooting was during a lockdown drill for elementary school kids. We’ll assume that her former employer, SCOPE Education Services of Suffolk County, Long Island, is also planning to tell instructors who run fire drills not to mention fires. The dismissal of Kearns seems excessive, as she doesn’t appear to have mentioned gay marriage, not even once. Read more on Teacher Fired For Saying ‘Sandy Hook’ During Safety Drill Inspired By Sandy Hook…
  At least she didn't ask for the hot beef injection

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection…
  You Got Your Church In My State!

Dumb Virginia County Can’t Stop Invoking Jesus, Must Pay $74,000, Ha Ha Ha

Take this gavel, and rap it in memory of me
In a court decision that surely must mean the end of Christianity forever, once again, a federal court ruled Friday that a Virginia county board of supervisors can’t start its meetings with explicitly Christian prayers. You astute Wonketteers who are in the know may find yourselves scratching your heads and saying, “But wait, didn’t the Supremes just rule last year that it was hunky-dory-mary-joseph-jebus for some town in New York to start its meetings with a double helping of Jesus-invoking and a side of Amen? And you would be right! Read more on Dumb Virginia County Can’t Stop Invoking Jesus, Must Pay $74,000, Ha Ha Ha…
  sure why not

Former RINO Gov. George Pataki Remembers 9/11, Can He Be President Too?

So George Pataki was governor of New York once upon a time, and he’s always kind of wanted to run for president one day maybe. Being a semi-sentient being with nothing better to do, he figures since he’s a Republican and everyone else is doing it, this is his chance, so on Thursday, he released a video announcing he’s also running too. Sure, he knows he probably (definitely) cannot win, but then, none of the other Republicans in the race can win either, so what the hell. YOLO! But Pataki at least has a special kind of can’t-win quality: he’s not nearly as fire-breathing, Bible-humping INSANE as the rest of the Republican field: Read more on Former RINO Gov. George Pataki Remembers 9/11, Can He Be President Too?…
  with militias intent

Failed Congressional Candidate Planned To Kill Some Muslims As Love Offering To Sean Hannity

Those aren't crazy eyes at all, no sir
Let’s meet Robert Doggart, who ran last year as an independent for Tennessee’s 4th Congressional District (and lost rather badly, getting just 6.4 percent of the vote). But he’s not the sort of guy to just dabble in politics as a fringe candidate; he decided to face America’s problems head on, plotting to lead a militia attack on a Muslim community in New York, a bit of patriotic direct action that could get him five years in prison, which seems maybe a little light for planning an act of terrorism, but it’s not like he’s a jihadi or anything. Besides, we all know there are no rightwing terrorists. Read more on Failed Congressional Candidate Planned To Kill Some Muslims As Love Offering To Sean Hannity…
  Here have some news n stuff

Sore Loser Mitt Romney Loses Again, Like A Loser

Loser. Again.
Shocking news! Perpetual loser Mitt Romney, who swears he’s done losing presidential elections but we’re not sure we believe him because he is Mitt Romney and he loves losing and we love watching him lose, did not win his charity pretend boxing match against actual boxer Evander Holyfield. Holyfield graciously did not grind his bones into dust and even allowed Romney to land a punch, out of pity we guess, before Romney — who has apparently named himself “The Glove,” how original — surrendered, maybe so he could wrap up the night and put his apparently drunk wife to bed. Romney also delivered some “jokes” after the match, we guess because he’s still trying to prove he has a personality, sigh: Read more on Sore Loser Mitt Romney Loses Again, Like A Loser…
  If it sounds too good to be true

Nice Time! New York Gov To Save Manicurists From Your Spa, We Mean ‘Sweatshop’

Fancy ain't free
Do you live in New York and love getting your nails did, but for real cheap, like $10.50? Sure, it’s SUPER awesome that you can pay practically nothing for someone else to spend an hour scraping off your callouses and massaging your aching joints and painting your fingers all pretty, but on the other hand, according to a series of reports by the New York Times — and also math — that bargain price means the person beautifying you all up, often an undocumented immigrant with zero protections, is getting paid practically nothing, or even literally nothing, or even literally negative dollars, since she actually paid her boss to let her work there. Plus, also, they are working with hazardous chemicals 27 hours a day (for real, salon owners make them work pretty much every hour of the day, every day of the week), suffering from respiratory problems, higher risks of miscarriage, and god only knows what else because there has been little research on the effects of long-term exposure to the chemicals used in nail salons. So maybe, like, not so super awesome for them? Read more on Nice Time! New York Gov To Save Manicurists From Your Spa, We Mean ‘Sweatshop’…
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. Read more on New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey…
  E Plebnista Redux

New York School Profanes American Flag With Arabic Pledge, Burn It All Down!

These are Yang worship words! You will not say them!
Remember when you read in your high school history books about the wave of anti-German hysteria in America during the first World War, when publishers of German-language newspapers were hounded out of business, German street names were changed, some schools stopped teaching the German language, and idiots reportedly stoned dachshunds to death for being traitorous foreign doggies? Remember how quaint and provincial and xenophobic those people seemed? Read more on New York School Profanes American Flag With Arabic Pledge, Burn It All Down!…
  A Noun A Verb A Dogwhistle

Rudy Giuliani: Hey, Did You Ever Notice Obama’s Not One Of Us? If You Know What I Mean?

Screw you too, pal
Apparently tired of being associated with competent mayoring on 9/11 and then never shutting up about it, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani seems determined to reframe his legacy. Why he’d decide that acting like the Second Coming of Lester Maddox is a bit of a mystery, though. At a private dinner for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker Wednesday, Giuliani shared his suspicion that Barack Obama doesn’t really love America because he’s a weirdo foreigner. Giuliani was careful to note that he only pointed this out because he cares. Read more on Rudy Giuliani: Hey, Did You Ever Notice Obama’s Not One Of Us? If You Know What I Mean?…
  Don't believe the lies -- or the snow

Rush Limbaugh: Big Government Nanny State Controlling You Through Weather Warnings

His weather is just fine, thanks
While conservatives usually love a good snowstorm because it proves global warming is a hoax and Al Gore is fat, truth-seeking climatologist Rush Limbaugh is too smart to buy into the lies of such lefty media outlets as AccuWeather and the National Weather Service. He’s heard about this so-called Worst Snow Storm Ever, but he’s got a brilliant question about that, which you know is brilliant because he says his own self that “it is a brilliant question.” Are you ready for some brilliance? Brace yourselves: “How in the hell can a snow storm that hasn’t happened be historic?” Read more on Rush Limbaugh: Big Government Nanny State Controlling You Through Weather Warnings…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Snowmageddonghazigate Hits New York, Impeach … Someone

'I can't feel my hands'
Monday’s Rachel Maddow Show was of course all Snowmageddonghazigate, and they started the hour with Rachel freezing outside at Rockefeller Center. Happily, unlike Chris Hayes, who had to do his whole show outside, Rachel has enough star power to get herself back inside after the first commercial break, and so here she is telling us that she can’t feel her hands, and then getting down to the serious business of talking about how the only time one of America’s three biggest cities had a female mayor (Jane Byrne in Chicago) came to office largely because her predecessor just plain couldn’t handle the giant snowstorm of 1978. And so there is much talk of snow and politics, as well as file footage of then-Governor Michael Dukakis in a perfectly darling sweater. “He’s a Von Trapp!” Read more on Morning Maddow: Snowmageddonghazigate Hits New York, Impeach … Someone…
  Nice time except for anti-vaxxers

Second Circuit Court: No, The Devil Did Not Make Your Vaccines

  Well, look who’s all “public health is still a thing!” A three-judge panel of the Second Circuit just upheld a New York state requirement that kids attending public schools must be vaccinated. Nice going, Second Circuit! But it is a tiny bit obnoxious that we are still discussing this issue, so let’s please grab onto some science and hang on to it really tightly! Read more on Second Circuit Court: No, The Devil Did Not Make Your Vaccines…
  Notorious BDB

NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It

Thanks to the NYPD’s recent unofficial work stoppage, it’s a great time to be a public urinator in New York. Loiterers are going shockingly unticketed and jaywalkers are free to ply their trade with impunity. There is, however, one suspected criminal in the city who’s getting plenty of police attention: Mayor Bill de Blasio. Read more on NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio Does The Pot Like A Common Jazz Criminal, And The NYPD Is On It…
  Time to hide under the bed again

You’ll Never Guess Who Fox News Thinks Is Guilty Of Terrorisming The United States Of Paris

Wimpy tyrant dictator doormat Obama is refusing to call the terrorist attack in Paris a terrorist attack — except for how he did do that — but the omnipotent experts at Fox “News” know better. Not only was it a terrorist attack, but it was political correctness and New York Mayor Bill de Blasio what done it, because of political correctness and communism, THANKS OBAMA. Read more on You’ll Never Guess Who Fox News Thinks Is Guilty Of Terrorisming The United States Of Paris…
  Quiet Dignity Redux

NYPD Cop Peeved At Reporter Disrespectfully Covering Cops’ Solemn, Funereal Disrespect

The quiet dignity of a political stunt
Photo by Aymann Ismail, Animal New York Hundreds of NYPD police officers came together Sunday for the noble purpose of very publicly giving the finger to Mayor Bill de Blasio again, and we suppose they were also there for the funeral of murdered officer Wenjian Liu, too. As they had done last week at the funeral of Liu’s partner Rafael Ramos, large numbers of police standing outside the funeral hall turned their backs to video monitors as de Blasio began his eulogy. Police have decided that they hates the nasty de Blasio, hates him, because he personally ordered the deaths of Ramos and Liu by telling his son, who is black, to be very, very careful around police. Read more on NYPD Cop Peeved At Reporter Disrespectfully Covering Cops’ Solemn, Funereal Disrespect…
  Here have some news n stuff

Farewell To Democrats’ Favorite Imaginary Presidential Candidate Mario Cuomo

Mario Cuomo, the former governor of New York and the Cuomo Democrats actually really like, died on Thursday at the age of 82. He was from what kids these days might call the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party, before that was officially a thing: Read more on Farewell To Democrats’ Favorite Imaginary Presidential Candidate Mario Cuomo…
  If You Love Someone Let Them Go Wild

Fox News ‘Psychiatrist’ Keith Ablow: COPS DON’T NEED TO CALM DOWN YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!!!1!

Fox & Klanz
Fox News resident Psychopath psychiatrist Keith Ablow has Thoughts on the murder of two policemen in New York City this weekend. (We’re quite certain you were waiting to hear from him before deciding what you think of the horrific killings.) In addition to calling on New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio to admit his personal responsibility for the murders, Ablow also insightfully diagnosed calls for police to be equipped with body cameras and to be trained in methods for de-escalating tense situations as signs of a sick society, calling it insulting to the good judgment of Our Protectors, who have done such an excellent job of protecting us from whatever criminals aren’t in blue uniforms. Read more on Fox News ‘Psychiatrist’ Keith Ablow: COPS DON’T NEED TO CALM DOWN YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!!!1!…