new study proves it
Report: Congress Using Smaller Words to Yell at Each Other This Year
Here is an important Monday newsflash to cruelly ruin any budding sense of optimism you may have had about the week: Congress is talking more dumber, new study proves it. The somewhat ironic-sounding “Sunlight Foundation” fished through the daily mosh pits of word battle waged in Congress from 2005 to the present and found that [...]
66% of Americans Cannot Even Guess Approximate Population of USA
What better occasion than the nation’s first caucus/primary thing of 2012 to remember that Americans are mouth-breathing idiots. The new Vanity Fair/CBS survey of U.S. dumbness has been released, and it proves that two-thirds of this nation’s adults have no idea that the population of the USA is approximately 300 million people. You didn’t even [...]
Americans Ready To Swap 1% Bald Eagle For … Grizzly Bear?
The new Vanity Fair/60 Minutes/Dadaist survey is out! What random assortment of inanities will the American People opine on, this time? They would like to vote for Obama over George W. Bush, for one, and they also would like to replace the National Animal, the Bald Eagle, with maybe a Grizzly Bear or a catfish. [...]
Half of Republicans Don’t Know What ‘G.O.P.’ Means
It’s time for the greatest scientific barometer of America’s intellect, the Vanity Fair/CBS News poll of dingbat potpourri questions thrown at a representative sample of Americans who haven’t had their phone lines turned off by Verizon yet. What did our pollsters ask this time? To be weird, instead of asking a series of completely random [...]
Record 81% of Americans Hate America
A shocking new Gallup poll proves that 81% of Americans — an all-time record — are against the American Government, while 82% are against Congress specifically. And 49% of Americans believe the U.S. Government is “an immediate threat to the rights and freedoms of ordinary citizens.” But to read POLITICO, you’d think we’re just in [...]
Liberals Eat Fancy Healthy Food, Conservatives Eat Awful Garbage
According to a scientific survey of some people on the Internet somewhere, liberals eat the fanciest of fancy foods — while conservatives literally eat filthy garbage, mostly from fast-food anusburger chains. See if you can tell which meals were far more likely to be enjoyed by left-leaning humanists: coconut curry lamb and rice, fresh fruit, [...]
America Decides 2010: What Does IHOP Stand For, Anyway?
On the eve of the most important midterm election of the year, the combined cultural powers of teevee’s 60 Minutes and the movie-star magazine Vanity Fair have again delivered a poll that tells us not only what Americans think, but what they are.
Lady Gaga vs. Nancy Pelosi, Who Will Win? (Not Nancy Pelosi)
Every campaign season in our increasingly retarded nation, potential voters are presented with many important survey and poll battles such as “What celebrity of the moment is better/worse than a completely unrelated government official?” For example: This person Lady Gaga, who seems to be mentioned a lot more than actually heard, could she defeat San [...]
Americans Have Important Opinions Regarding Jennifer Aniston, Iran
Americans are talking about what’s happening! For example: “Men and women agreed that Jennifer Aniston is the most eligible single woman in the world, with 29 percent of the total votes. Halle Berry received 21 percent, while Elin Nordegren received 15 percent, followed by Betty White (11 percent), Lady Gaga (5 percent), and Elena Kagan [...]
Happy 50th Day of the BP Oil Spill, Everybody!
Today’s Dirty Dozen American Primary Election is also the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill’s 50th Day. Did you get BP a present? It’s a testament to the constant spastic churn of the news cycle that this oil disaster already feels really old, like something from last summer or maybe even 2005. But the spill began [...]
blog advertising is good for you
