Wonkette

Oh god that horrible imitation of a human laugh. “Well, heh heh heh, at least no Arabian horses died. Heh heh heh heh.” HILARIOUS. Only thousands of poor black people died, after Katrina. And McCain made a super funny joke about how doomed flunkie Michael Brown — the FEMA chief who previously worked for an Arabian horse club — at least hadn’t killed any precious horses owned by billionaires!

GOD’S NOT DEAD: “Gustav closes all but one strip club on Bourbon Street.” [NOLA.com]

Last night, your “Polaroid Liz” Glover went to some party in Denver called like, “James Carville’s Cajun Bayou Bash!” No but really: it was some hokey New Orleans stereotype-athon, hosted by James Carville, to show support for HURRICANE KATRINA. Here’s how Liz describes Carville at his own creepy party: “I got a contact high from the bourbon coming out of his pores.” And here they are in gritty ’70s porn lighting.

So Iowa is underwater forever, and to the nation’s shock, FEMA has sent out emergency response teams — to help! This is only the second time in world history that FEMA has helped anyone, the other being the time they released that “How To Deal With Satellites That Crash Into Your Skull” manual. Perhaps they could create a follow-up manual now called “How To Deal With FEMA Emergency Contractors Who Arbitrarily Beat The Shit Out Of You With Golf Clubs, In Iowa, After Trying To Hit You With Their Cars.” Because! An Incident! MORE »

John McCain’s speech last night — the kickoff to his general election campaign — was, simply, constipated. Whenever he tried to make one of his “zingers,” he started giggling or, as the still to your left shows, he whipped out the ol’ gun-slinger gesture to recognize his four supporters (1:28 into the below clip). There was no Gravitas to his terrible lies this time, and everything was green, and he questioned the government’s need to solve problems while speaking in New Orleans. Did “Cougs” Cindy slip him a percocet, or did old WALNUTS! just spend 10 minutes too long with his ether rag yesterday afternoon? Anyway, check out the comical highlight reel below, which ends with a crescendo of “Th-that’s not ch-ange we can be-ee-lieve in.” MORE »

Louisiana state senators have been hard at work recently drafting legislation to honor the Sazerac — a drink containing “whiskey, sugar, bitters and absinthe, or a substitute anise-flavored liquor” — as the official state cocktail. New Orleans is in such great shape, see, that they can spend their time writing all sorts of fun legislation celebrating drinks! MORE »

Ray Nagin, the crazy gun-toting mayor of New Orleans, told horrified reporters last Friday that he was “a vagina-friendly Mayor.” Why the sudden revelation? He was promoting some sort of festival that includes Eve Ensler, the writer of one of the worst plays ever (we have not seen it) that features maybe a talking vagina. MORE »

Is New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin threatening to kill Wonkette with his various automatic weapons? Check out this interview with a local New Orleans news station, where he yells at The Internet for making fun of that photo where he’s being silly, with firearms. He says that because he was criticized for this photo, the “blogs” are now putting his family at risk. Silly Ray, the blogs love you and your “rugged individual” approach towards governance. Besides, bloggers don’t have any weapons with which to inflict harm, since you own every weapon in the country. [WWLTV]

The above AP photo of America’s New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin, is very similar to a Times-Picayune photo that is causing huge controversy in New Orleans! Nagin and his Chief of Police were showing off the new police assault rifles, and it seems that this photo has been taken out of context. Says the mayor’s office, “The photo was taken out of context, was selected by our own local media and is now showcased across the nation as a mockery of all this city’s recovery efforts.” Yes, mayor’s office, that would be how photography works. Maybe next time don’t go flailing guns everywhere. [Fox News]

Look, it’s the Mayor of Hurricane Katrina, Ray Nagin, showing off the New Orleans Police Department’s new guns! He’s setting a good example for the city he cannot control. [AP Photo]

John Edwards gave his withdrawal speech today from New Orlean’s Lower Ninth Ward — where he first announced his campaign, and where everyone is voting for Barack Obama because, well, you know. On his way to the speech, Edwards even abandoned the media to visit the homeless in New Orleans’ tent city. I guess that was a nice thing to do. MORE »