Tag Archives: new orleans

  lol

Bobby Jindal Is The Wingnut Presidential Candidate Nobody’s Been Waiting For

Not presidential material. Not Bobby Jindal either.
BREAKING NEWS! Gov. Bobby Jindal, who has basically ruined Louisiana, declared his candidacy for president of US America Wednesday afternoon, far too close to the city of New Orleans for anyone who actually loves that city. He had started off the week getting punched right in his junk by IBM, which had been nice enough to choose Baton Rouge for its new National Service Center. The company’s mood soured when Jindal decided he had to prove he was the gay-hatin’-est homophobe in all the land, by issuing an executive order giving Louisiana business owners the right to discriminate against gay people. That might work on the set of “Duck Dynasty,” but not in the grown-up world of big business. So IBM decided to cancel the big ribbon-cutting photo-op, the one Jindal could have used to show just how GOOD he’s been for Louisiana business. Read more on Bobby Jindal Is The Wingnut Presidential Candidate Nobody’s Been Waiting For…
  Aren't you jealous of IBM?

IBM Punches Gov. Bobby Jindal In Scrotum Sac Over Gay-Hating Executive Order

Which one is the face he makes when he gets punched in the dick? ALL OF THEM KATIE.
You are probably so excited about this post, because the mere idea of ANY person, place or thing punching Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal in the nuts — metaphorically, of course — brings unfettered joy into the hearts of all patriotic Americans. Last month, Jindal was reeling from the fact that the Louisiana legislature wasn’t willing to heap embarrassment upon the state, by passing a fake “religious freedom” law, similar to the Fuck The Gays laws that passed, and were subsequently gutted by big business and butthurt Republicans, in Arkansas and Indiana. But because Jindal is probably the stupidest governor in US America (and also thinks he has a shot in hell of winning the GOP presidential nomination LOL), he decided to go ahead and issue an executive order, saying that Louisiana is TOO the Fuck The Gays state, and not just in the fun sexy way that happens in New Orleans. Read more on IBM Punches Gov. Bobby Jindal In Scrotum Sac Over Gay-Hating Executive Order…
  fuck this guy

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Will Screw The Gays All By Himself, You’ll See

Bless his dumbass heart.
On Tuesday, a Fuck The Gays bill, HB 707 — similar to the Religious Freedom Restoration Acts (RFRAs) that passed, and were subsequently “fixed” like common dachschunds, in Indiana and Arkansas — died in a Louisiana House committee in a 10-2 vote. Gov. Bobby Jindal will not stand for this act of gay activist democracy, so he decided that if the House won’t do its duty, to Jesus and America, and pass the bill, he will just write his own version of the bill and pass it with an executive order, like a common power-grabbing tyrant: Read more on Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal Will Screw The Gays All By Himself, You’ll See…
  Letters from a jilted lover

Bobby Jindal Is Being Bullied By The Gaywads, And He’s Not Gonna Take It Anymore!

Not presidential material. Not Bobby Jindal either.
Bobby Jindal, wingnut governor of Louisiana, is whining in a very public way. Why? Gays. Where? The New York Times. Jindal has penned an op-ed to let everybody know that, unlike those Republican pussies in Arkansas and Indiana, who caved to the unholy alliance of Big Business and Big Sodomy and signed watered-down Religious Freedom Restoration Acts (RFRA’s, as the kids call them on Snapchat) that don’t explicitly allow people with Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs to discriminate against gays and lesbians any old damn way they choose, he will be “holding firm against gay marriage.” In fact, that is the headline of his piece! Show us on the doll where the gays are bullying you, Governor Jindal: Read more on Bobby Jindal Is Being Bullied By The Gaywads, And He’s Not Gonna Take It Anymore!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Conservatives Aren’t Happier Than Liberals After All, But They Are Liars. It’s Science!

Typical conservative
We all know what the studies say, right? Conservatives get dumber every time they watch Fox News. Liberals get unhappier every time they roll out of bed in their mom’s basement and smoke a bowl for brunch. If conservatives would stop praying for whores outside abortion clinics, they might know some things that are actually true. And if liberals would embrace Ronald Reagan as their personal lord and savior, they’d be all smiley faces and happy dancing. But oh! What is this? It’s another study, and it does not bode well for our conservative “friends,” bless their sad shriveled hearts: Read more on Conservatives Aren’t Happier Than Liberals After All, But They Are Liars. It’s Science!…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  weird fetus fetish

Cheery ‘Operation Save America’ Folks Stage Fun-Times Open-Casket ‘Wake’ For Aborted Fetus

You can pet the fetus, Jimmy. Go ahead, pet the fetus.
Oh, those fun-loving merry tricksters from “Operation Save America!” Last Sunday, the little scamps invaded a Unitarian church to interrupt the service and yell the Gospel at the congregation. And they continued to let the Grim Times roll in New Orleans Tuesday, staging a public “wake” for what they claimed was an actual aborted fetus in an open coffin. Because there is absolutely nothing too weird for these people, except of course letting women make their own decisions about pregnancy. Read more on Cheery ‘Operation Save America’ Folks Stage Fun-Times Open-Casket ‘Wake’ For Aborted Fetus…
  in christ's name we prey

Fun-Loving Anti-Abortion Pals Making New Friends! (Invading Unitarian Church, Calling Them Satan)

Gimme a L-I-V-I-N-G-W-A-G-E
Just in case you thought that going to your own church might be a good way to avoid fundagelical nonsense, we learn today that some nice people from “Operation Save America,” an offshoot from the radical anti-abortion “Operation Rescue,” would like you to know that they are taking their campaign of Christian Love to minister to people all over the place — and even in churches where they’re not welcome! Last Sunday in New Orleans, some volunteers from the group invaded a Unitarian church service so they could set those godless Unitarian-Universalist heathens straight and let them know they were all bound for Hell. And they brag on their webpage about what a great job they did of witnessing to the sinners right there in that “Synagogue of Satan.” Read more on Fun-Loving Anti-Abortion Pals Making New Friends! (Invading Unitarian Church, Calling Them Satan)…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  they're tryin' to wash us away

Hey, New Orleans, You Probably Shouldn’t Have Fired Those 7000 Teachers After Katrina. #Payup

So it turns out that Louisiana’s attempt to “remake” public education after Katrina — which mostly consisted of opening up the state’s coffers to grifty charter schools and handing out vouchers for religious schools, regardless of their quality — has run into just a teensy bit of a problem: in their zeal to screw teachers’ unions, they also fired over 7000 teachers without due process, and a court in the teachers’ class-action suit has found that the teachers are entitled to damages. Not the full 5 years’ back pay and benefits the teachers sought, but 2-3 years’ pay, plus benefits for those who were enrolled in them before being fired: Read more on Hey, New Orleans, You Probably Shouldn’t Have Fired Those 7000 Teachers After Katrina. #Payup…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Aggregation Of Aggravation

Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Derp Roundup, where we smoosh up a bunch of stuff that fell to the floor of the Wonket Sekrit Chatcave that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite rise to the level of full-length Wonkenpost. This being the traditional feast month of Cocktober, we feel compelled to lead off with this inspiring story of Trace McNutt, the winner of the “Courage Award” from Voice of the Voiceless, that brave band of “ex-gay” activists whose big Ex-Gay Pride rally in Washington drew almost a dozen proud demonstrators. Mr. McNutt is a former “Satanic Drag Queen” and drug abuser who is now hooked on Jesus and being an ex-gay activist, and Now he is a happily straight person, except for the part where he’s still attracted to men, what with falling in love with the bassist in his Christian rock band. In an interview with Christianist podcaster Janet Parshall Monday, McNutt acknowledged that he’s not quite as ex-gay as he’d like to be: “We know God heals some and others he doesn’t,” he told Parshall. “For me, the thorn remains…. Not all homosexuals get delivered of the same-sex attraction.” Of the many things that have gone badly in Mr. McNutt’s life — drug addiction, a messy family life, sex addiction, Christian Rock — we have a feeling that the “being gay” part is the least of them. Wouldn’t it be nice if he’d found a counselor who didn’t ascribe all of his problems to that? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Aggregation Of Aggravation…
  no really never read the comments

Terrible New Orleans Prosecutors Behave Terribly And Ensure That Terrible New Orleans Cops Get New Trial

Would you rather start your day out with sadness or rage? Fortunately, thanks to the New Orleans Police Department and the United States Department of Justice, you can have both! Yay? Back in 2011, five of NOPD’s not-finest were finally FINALLY convicted for stone cold murdering unarmed people for the extreme crime of heading to the grocery store during Hurricane Katrina. Not only did they go all murder-y, they also engaged in an immediate and epic coverup. They were first prosecuted at the state level, which ended up being a ginormous cock-up. The feds took over and finally secured the convictions, all of which were tossed Tuesday on account of just how badly the DOJ attorneys behaved during the whole thing. Read more on Terrible New Orleans Prosecutors Behave Terribly And Ensure That Terrible New Orleans Cops Get New Trial…
  wonksplainer

BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp

This wonksplainer by DDM was brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spill Blogging. Let’s travel back in time to April, 2010. After years of stroking and massaging from federal and state tax cuts, BP blows a huge oily load into New Orleans’ backyard. BP looks around, says, “Sorry about the mess.  Here’s a few million for your inconvenience.” Ahhh, memories. Hey, whatever happened to that money? We trust you to put that money to good use! What’s that?  You have a mad crush on Padma Lakshmi and that bald guy from celebratainment tee-vee program Top Chef? Are you thinking what I am thinking? Eyeless shrimp challenge! Read more on BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Are You Smarter Than These Gun-Toters?

With the astronomical amounts of derp spewing into the atmosphere over the IRS, the AP, and BENGHAZI!!!!11!!!!, it is easy to forget that Americans continue every day to shoot each other with guns in ever more inventive ways. Lucky for you that yr Wonkette is here to remind you that every time you think the great American Experiment has dug deep enough down the mineshaft of Stupid to hit rock bottom, we can always break through the rocks to find another layer. Take this particular specimen of dumbassery. What was that about arming more school employees, Wayne LaPierre? Fantastic idea. We can’t wait for the first time some police department reject working armed security accidentally kills a first-grader and the school district gets sued into oblivion. Hmmm, Aurora, why does that sound familiar? Has that place been in the news for a gun-related incident recently? There is no word on how significant this high schooler’s significant injury might be. Hopefully the kid doesn’t lose his leg. Maybe this is all a secret plot to get us to home-school our children? Yr Wonkette is going to seriously consider it for this reason alone, should we ever be lucky enough to settle down and start a family, or accidentally knock up some floozy, whatever. Read more on Are You Smarter Than These Gun-Toters?…
  daily caller's deep throat

Joe Biden, Done Killing That Dog, Now Murdering Small Businesses With His Very Existence

WELL WELL WELL, Mean Ugly Joe Biden! Not only have you murdered a Secret Service dog just to watch it die — do you really want to be Hillary Clinton that bad?? — but now you are SCANDALOUSLY ruining small business owners’ parking garage takes during Mardi Gras, by not-actually-closing-down the parking garage at all. Luckily, the Daily Caller is on the case to inform us of this shanda and your coldhearted ways! [W]hen the carnival season kicked off last weekend in southern Louisiana, one business failed to bring in the expected cash from the influx of revelers. That business, a parking garage company, says the blame lies with Vice President Joe Biden and the Secret Service agents who were protecting him Saturday during a visit to the city. “It was a big loss over the weekend,” Sterling Chauvin, the chief operating officer of the Premium Parking Service, explained in an interview with The Daily Caller. Oh yes, the Daily Caller will get to the bottom of this! Read more on Joe Biden, Done Killing That Dog, Now Murdering Small Businesses With His Very Existence…
  We Bet Fox News Messes Up His Name All The Time Too

Drudge Sirens! Former NOLA Mayor Ray Nagin Charged With Taking Bribes Just Like In Treme!

In an unprecedented instance of a Louisiana politician being accused of corruption, former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has been charged by a federal grand jury with 21 counts of corruption as foreseen by David Simon in his documentary Treme! Tell us more about the details, not-quite-a-newspaper-anymore Times-Picayune! (If you’d like, you can try to sing this to “The Twelve Days of Christmas”). Charges include: six counts of bribery, one count of conspiracy, one count of money laundering, nine counts of deprivation of honest services through wire fraud and four counts of filing false tax returns, alleging that while in office, Nagin took cash bribes and gifts from two city contractors. Nagin’s long-expected indictment arrived more than two and a half years after he left City Hall and relocated to the Dallas area. Read more on Drudge Sirens! Former NOLA Mayor Ray Nagin Charged With Taking Bribes Just Like In Treme!…
  Q: Are We Not Men? A: We are DEVO

Equivalencies: NOLA School District Embraces Evolution; Tenn. Preacher Says It Caused School Shootings

In the one step forward, one step back department, we have the heartening news that the school board for Orleans Parish, Louisiana, has voted to explicitly bar schools from teaching creationism or adopting “revisionist” history standards. On the other hand, a Tennessee pastor told his church last Sunday that mass shootings are the inevitable result of “government schools” which are nothing more than “mind-control centers” teaching little more than “junk about evolution” and “how to be a homo.” Still, the pastor is not (yet) running a school district, so maybe America came out slightly ahead on this one. Read more on Equivalencies: NOLA School District Embraces Evolution; Tenn. Preacher Says It Caused School Shootings…
  Lazy Jeebus

God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time

Do you guys remember the good old days? Things were so much simpler then, when we could identify the homosexualista menaces in our midst, at which point the wind would start to a-blowin’ on account of “come a cloud!” and we could tie all those things together in order to fulfill the holy wrath of “Goddidit!” Sexy gayness + New Orleans = poor black people being destroyed and sent to random places in Texas and Tennessee, while all kinds of white upper-middle class denizens of the area could resettle happily in other Southern cities, knowing that their Jeebus had done did what had needed to be done. Everybody wins, right? Praise Him, Lord I Lift Your Name On High, etc., etc. Read more on God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time…
  deficits don't matter

Oh Look Who Wants the Government’s Help Now (Hint: It Is Bobby Jindal)

Why HELLO Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Hypocrisy), how is it going down there with that big storm barreling through your state and all? Battening down the hatches and whatnot? Letting the American People provide for themselves without suckling from the government’s teat, because of Liberty and all that? No, of course not! Bobby Jindal is UPSET seeing as how the government has not given him enough help, and by help, he means that the government is not spending enough money. No, not the “bad” kind of money that comes from when the federal government spends money to make health care affordable or educate children; this is the “good” kind of spending money that helps protect property and lives (unless the lives are in peril from lack of access to health care, in which case, see what we said about “bad” money above). Read more on Oh Look Who Wants the Government’s Help Now (Hint: It Is Bobby Jindal)…
  sure uh huh

Gingrich Claims Nothing Happened During Secret Hotel Tryst With Romney

Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney have had a meeting, you guys! It took place in the way that all such Republican meetings take place: In secret, in a hotel room, full of angry feelings. But now it’s not a secret anymore, because Newt Gingrich had to open his fat mouth to let everyone know there was “no agreement of any kind.” There, that’s all Newt wanted you to know. Why was no deal reached? Newt did not say, but we are guessing it was because Romney declined to agree to Newt’s terms of, “You concede all your delegates to me, and I will take them.” Read more on Gingrich Claims Nothing Happened During Secret Hotel Tryst With Romney… Read more on Gingrich Claims Nothing Happened During Secret Hotel Tryst With Romney…
  stupid cracker says what?

NOPD Suspends Racist Cop for Proving It With Invite to ‘Join Trayvon Martin in Hell’

Hi, racist New Orleans cop? The Fifth Amendment called and wanted to remind you of your right to not incriminate yourself by posting comments, on Facebook, under your name, while on desk duty for your role in another shooting, about Trayvon Martin being “in Hell,” YOU STUPID FUCKING RACIST CRACKER. Read more on NOPD Suspends Racist Cop for Proving It With Invite to ‘Join Trayvon Martin in Hell’…
  wedding announcements

Corrupt Former Louisiana Governor Marries Nice Young Lady He Met In Prison

It’s nice to hear a story once in a while about things finally working out for the world’s corrupt career politicians, isn’t it? Four-time Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards, now 83, was serving an 8-year sentence on bribery and extortion charges when he made a prison pen pal who turned out to be a very attractive blond 32-year-old lady who mysteriously fell in love with him. And now for some reason they are married. Fun history fact: Edwards was convicted on charges from crimes during his final term served in office, which he won in 1991 against KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. The AP article notes that Duke did not win because “business leaders feared Duke’s election would be devastating for the state’s convention business because of his extremist views.” Which is a reminder that somehow David fucking Duke made it onto a GOP gubernatorial ticket as recently as 1991. Jesus. Christ. Read more on Corrupt Former Louisiana Governor Marries Nice Young Lady He Met In Prison…