Tag Archives: new orleans

  Here have some news n stuff

Conservatives Aren’t Happier Than Liberals After All, But They Are Liars. It’s Science!

Typical conservative
We all know what the studies say, right? Conservatives get dumber every time they watch Fox News. Liberals get unhappier every time they roll out of bed in their mom’s basement and smoke a bowl for brunch. If conservatives would stop praying for whores outside abortion clinics, they might know some things that are actually true. And if liberals would embrace Ronald Reagan as their personal lord and savior, they’d be all smiley faces and happy dancing. But oh! What is this? It’s another study, and it does not bode well for our conservative “friends,” bless their sad shriveled hearts: Read more on Conservatives Aren’t Happier Than Liberals After All, But They Are Liars. It’s Science!…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  weird fetus fetish

Cheery ‘Operation Save America’ Folks Stage Fun-Times Open-Casket ‘Wake’ For Aborted Fetus

You can pet the fetus, Jimmy. Go ahead, pet the fetus.
Oh, those fun-loving merry tricksters from “Operation Save America!” Last Sunday, the little scamps invaded a Unitarian church to interrupt the service and yell the Gospel at the congregation. And they continued to let the Grim Times roll in New Orleans Tuesday, staging a public “wake” for what they claimed was an actual aborted fetus in an open coffin. Because there is absolutely nothing too weird for these people, except of course letting women make their own decisions about pregnancy. Read more on Cheery ‘Operation Save America’ Folks Stage Fun-Times Open-Casket ‘Wake’ For Aborted Fetus…
  in christ's name we prey

Fun-Loving Anti-Abortion Pals Making New Friends! (Invading Unitarian Church, Calling Them Satan)

Gimme a L-I-V-I-N-G-W-A-G-E
Just in case you thought that going to your own church might be a good way to avoid fundagelical nonsense, we learn today that some nice people from “Operation Save America,” an offshoot from the radical anti-abortion “Operation Rescue,” would like you to know that they are taking their campaign of Christian Love to minister to people all over the place — and even in churches where they’re not welcome! Last Sunday in New Orleans, some volunteers from the group invaded a Unitarian church service so they could set those godless Unitarian-Universalist heathens straight and let them know they were all bound for Hell. And they brag on their webpage about what a great job they did of witnessing to the sinners right there in that “Synagogue of Satan.” Read more on Fun-Loving Anti-Abortion Pals Making New Friends! (Invading Unitarian Church, Calling Them Satan)…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  they're tryin' to wash us away

Hey, New Orleans, You Probably Shouldn’t Have Fired Those 7000 Teachers After Katrina. #Payup

So it turns out that Louisiana’s attempt to “remake” public education after Katrina — which mostly consisted of opening up the state’s coffers to grifty charter schools and handing out vouchers for religious schools, regardless of their quality – has run into just a teensy bit of a problem: in their zeal to screw teachers’ unions, they also fired over 7000 teachers without due process, and a court in the teachers’ class-action suit has found that the teachers are entitled to damages. Not the full 5 years’ back pay and benefits the teachers sought, but 2-3 years’ pay, plus benefits for those who were enrolled in them before being fired: Read more on Hey, New Orleans, You Probably Shouldn’t Have Fired Those 7000 Teachers After Katrina. #Payup…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Aggregation Of Aggravation

Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Derp Roundup, where we smoosh up a bunch of stuff that fell to the floor of the Wonket Sekrit Chatcave that was too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that didn’t quite rise to the level of full-length Wonkenpost. This being the traditional feast month of Cocktober, we feel compelled to lead off with this inspiring story of Trace McNutt, the winner of the “Courage Award” from Voice of the Voiceless, that brave band of “ex-gay” activists whose big Ex-Gay Pride rally in Washington drew almost a dozen proud demonstrators. Mr. McNutt is a former “Satanic Drag Queen” and drug abuser who is now hooked on Jesus and being an ex-gay activist, and Now he is a happily straight person, except for the part where he’s still attracted to men, what with falling in love with the bassist in his Christian rock band. In an interview with Christianist podcaster Janet Parshall Monday, McNutt acknowledged that he’s not quite as ex-gay as he’d like to be: “We know God heals some and others he doesn’t,” he told Parshall. “For me, the thorn remains…. Not all homosexuals get delivered of the same-sex attraction.” Of the many things that have gone badly in Mr. McNutt’s life — drug addiction, a messy family life, sex addiction, Christian Rock — we have a feeling that the “being gay” part is the least of them. Wouldn’t it be nice if he’d found a counselor who didn’t ascribe all of his problems to that? Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Aggregation Of Aggravation…
  no really never read the comments

Terrible New Orleans Prosecutors Behave Terribly And Ensure That Terrible New Orleans Cops Get New Trial

Would you rather start your day out with sadness or rage? Fortunately, thanks to the New Orleans Police Department and the United States Department of Justice, you can have both! Yay? Back in 2011, five of NOPD’s not-finest were finally FINALLY convicted for stone cold murdering unarmed people for the extreme crime of heading to the grocery store during Hurricane Katrina. Not only did they go all murder-y, they also engaged in an immediate and epic coverup. They were first prosecuted at the state level, which ended up being a ginormous cock-up. The feds took over and finally secured the convictions, all of which were tossed Tuesday on account of just how badly the DOJ attorneys behaved during the whole thing. Read more on Terrible New Orleans Prosecutors Behave Terribly And Ensure That Terrible New Orleans Cops Get New Trial…
  wonksplainer

BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp

This wonksplainer by DDM was brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spill Blogging. Let’s travel back in time to April, 2010. After years of stroking and massaging from federal and state tax cuts, BP blows a huge oily load into New Orleans’ backyard. BP looks around, says, “Sorry about the mess.  Here’s a few million for your inconvenience.” Ahhh, memories. Hey, whatever happened to that money? We trust you to put that money to good use! What’s that?  You have a mad crush on Padma Lakshmi and that bald guy from celebratainment tee-vee program Top Chef? Are you thinking what I am thinking? Eyeless shrimp challenge! Read more on BP Pays Top Chef To Come To New Orleans, Do Something With All These Eyeless Shrimp…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Are You Smarter Than These Gun-Toters?

With the astronomical amounts of derp spewing into the atmosphere over the IRS, the AP, and BENGHAZI!!!!11!!!!, it is easy to forget that Americans continue every day to shoot each other with guns in ever more inventive ways. Lucky for you that yr Wonkette is here to remind you that every time you think the great American Experiment has dug deep enough down the mineshaft of Stupid to hit rock bottom, we can always break through the rocks to find another layer. Take this particular specimen of dumbassery. What was that about arming more school employees, Wayne LaPierre? Fantastic idea. We can’t wait for the first time some police department reject working armed security accidentally kills a first-grader and the school district gets sued into oblivion. Hmmm, Aurora, why does that sound familiar? Has that place been in the news for a gun-related incident recently? There is no word on how significant this high schooler’s significant injury might be. Hopefully the kid doesn’t lose his leg. Maybe this is all a secret plot to get us to home-school our children? Yr Wonkette is going to seriously consider it for this reason alone, should we ever be lucky enough to settle down and start a family, or accidentally knock up some floozy, whatever. Read more on Are You Smarter Than These Gun-Toters?…
  daily caller's deep throat

Joe Biden, Done Killing That Dog, Now Murdering Small Businesses With His Very Existence

WELL WELL WELL, Mean Ugly Joe Biden! Not only have you murdered a Secret Service dog just to watch it die — do you really want to be Hillary Clinton that bad?? — but now you are SCANDALOUSLY ruining small business owners’ parking garage takes during Mardi Gras, by not-actually-closing-down the parking garage at all. Luckily, the Daily Caller is on the case to inform us of this shanda and your coldhearted ways! [W]hen the carnival season kicked off last weekend in southern Louisiana, one business failed to bring in the expected cash from the influx of revelers. That business, a parking garage company, says the blame lies with Vice President Joe Biden and the Secret Service agents who were protecting him Saturday during a visit to the city. “It was a big loss over the weekend,” Sterling Chauvin, the chief operating officer of the Premium Parking Service, explained in an interview with The Daily Caller. Oh yes, the Daily Caller will get to the bottom of this! Read more on Joe Biden, Done Killing That Dog, Now Murdering Small Businesses With His Very Existence…
  We Bet Fox News Messes Up His Name All The Time Too

Drudge Sirens! Former NOLA Mayor Ray Nagin Charged With Taking Bribes Just Like In Treme!

In an unprecedented instance of a Louisiana politician being accused of corruption, former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin has been charged by a federal grand jury with 21 counts of corruption as foreseen by David Simon in his documentary Treme! Tell us more about the details, not-quite-a-newspaper-anymore Times-Picayune! (If you’d like, you can try to sing this to “The Twelve Days of Christmas”). Charges include: six counts of bribery, one count of conspiracy, one count of money laundering, nine counts of deprivation of honest services through wire fraud and four counts of filing false tax returns, alleging that while in office, Nagin took cash bribes and gifts from two city contractors. Nagin’s long-expected indictment arrived more than two and a half years after he left City Hall and relocated to the Dallas area. Read more on Drudge Sirens! Former NOLA Mayor Ray Nagin Charged With Taking Bribes Just Like In Treme!…
  Q: Are We Not Men? A: We are DEVO

Equivalencies: NOLA School District Embraces Evolution; Tenn. Preacher Says It Caused School Shootings

In the one step forward, one step back department, we have the heartening news that the school board for Orleans Parish, Louisiana, has voted to explicitly bar schools from teaching creationism or adopting “revisionist” history standards. On the other hand, a Tennessee pastor told his church last Sunday that mass shootings are the inevitable result of “government schools” which are nothing more than “mind-control centers” teaching little more than “junk about evolution” and “how to be a homo.” Still, the pastor is not (yet) running a school district, so maybe America came out slightly ahead on this one. Read more on Equivalencies: NOLA School District Embraces Evolution; Tenn. Preacher Says It Caused School Shootings…
  Lazy Jeebus

God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time

Do you guys remember the good old days? Things were so much simpler then, when we could identify the homosexualista menaces in our midst, at which point the wind would start to a-blowin’ on account of “come a cloud!” and we could tie all those things together in order to fulfill the holy wrath of “Goddidit!” Sexy gayness + New Orleans = poor black people being destroyed and sent to random places in Texas and Tennessee, while all kinds of white upper-middle class denizens of the area could resettle happily in other Southern cities, knowing that their Jeebus had done did what had needed to be done. Everybody wins, right? Praise Him, Lord I Lift Your Name On High, etc., etc. Read more on God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time…
  deficits don't matter

Oh Look Who Wants the Government’s Help Now (Hint: It Is Bobby Jindal)

Why HELLO Gov. Bobby Jindal (R-Hypocrisy), how is it going down there with that big storm barreling through your state and all? Battening down the hatches and whatnot? Letting the American People provide for themselves without suckling from the government’s teat, because of Liberty and all that? No, of course not! Bobby Jindal is UPSET seeing as how the government has not given him enough help, and by help, he means that the government is not spending enough money. No, not the “bad” kind of money that comes from when the federal government spends money to make health care affordable or educate children; this is the “good” kind of spending money that helps protect property and lives (unless the lives are in peril from lack of access to health care, in which case, see what we said about “bad” money above). Read more on Oh Look Who Wants the Government’s Help Now (Hint: It Is Bobby Jindal)…
  sure uh huh

Gingrich Claims Nothing Happened During Secret Hotel Tryst With Romney

Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney have had a meeting, you guys! It took place in the way that all such Republican meetings take place: In secret, in a hotel room, full of angry feelings. But now it’s not a secret anymore, because Newt Gingrich had to open his fat mouth to let everyone know there was “no agreement of any kind.” There, that’s all Newt wanted you to know. Why was no deal reached? Newt did not say, but we are guessing it was because Romney declined to agree to Newt’s terms of, “You concede all your delegates to me, and I will take them.” Read more on Gingrich Claims Nothing Happened During Secret Hotel Tryst With Romney… Read more on Gingrich Claims Nothing Happened During Secret Hotel Tryst With Romney…
  stupid cracker says what?

NOPD Suspends Racist Cop for Proving It With Invite to ‘Join Trayvon Martin in Hell’

Hi, racist New Orleans cop? The Fifth Amendment called and wanted to remind you of your right to not incriminate yourself by posting comments, on Facebook, under your name, while on desk duty for your role in another shooting, about Trayvon Martin being “in Hell,” YOU STUPID FUCKING RACIST CRACKER. Read more on NOPD Suspends Racist Cop for Proving It With Invite to ‘Join Trayvon Martin in Hell’…
  wedding announcements

Corrupt Former Louisiana Governor Marries Nice Young Lady He Met In Prison

It’s nice to hear a story once in a while about things finally working out for the world’s corrupt career politicians, isn’t it? Four-time Louisiana Governor Edwin Edwards, now 83, was serving an 8-year sentence on bribery and extortion charges when he made a prison pen pal who turned out to be a very attractive blond 32-year-old lady who mysteriously fell in love with him. And now for some reason they are married. Fun history fact: Edwards was convicted on charges from crimes during his final term served in office, which he won in 1991 against KKK Grand Wizard David Duke. The AP article notes that Duke did not win because “business leaders feared Duke’s election would be devastating for the state’s convention business because of his extremist views.” Which is a reminder that somehow David fucking Duke made it onto a GOP gubernatorial ticket as recently as 1991. Jesus. Christ. Read more on Corrupt Former Louisiana Governor Marries Nice Young Lady He Met In Prison…
  supreme court pranks

Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row

Fringe-right corporate lackey Clarence Thomas has famously kept his mouth shut during most of his 20 years on the Supreme Court, because how could anyone improve upon Antonin Scalia’s insane bullshit? But on Tuesday, Clarence Thomas cheerfully took the opportunity to read the conservative majority’s decision against an innocent black man in New Orleans who had been framed by the district attorney and was very nearly executed. The man, John Thompson, won a $14 million judgment against the crooked New Orleans prosecutors — a million dollars for every year he was wrongfully imprisoned, often in solitary confinement. And now that judgment has been overturned by our sorry excuse for a high court. Clarence Thomas really got a kick out of reading this to the Supreme Court. Read more on Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row…
  surprise!

Anti-Gay Activist Pastor Allegedly Caught Masturbating At Public Park

Rev. Grant Storms is apparently well known in New Orleans for wearing stupid Bible-American-flag t-shirts, donning ridiculous 1980s pedophile/hipster glasses, and walking through Southern Decadence, the city’s annual gay festival, with a broom. Apparently, though, he does not do this during the city’s annual boob festival, Mardi Gras, so it’s the gays he has a problem with, not sex in general. Unfortunately for this preacher man, he was arrested at a public park Friday after two witnesses say they saw him sitting in his van “looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down,” masturbating. An alternate lifestyle, if you will. Read more on Anti-Gay Activist Pastor Allegedly Caught Masturbating At Public Park…
  it's morning in america

GOP: Cut Basic Human Services, Increase Funding For Pentagon

Washington’s decadent spending spree is over, motherfuckers! There’s a new House Budget Committee Chairman in town, and his name is Paul Ryan. Maybe you’ve heard of him before, since he is the world’s most famous money-saving wizard? (When cleaning his bunghole, Paul Ryan always uses both sides of a piece of toiler paper — and if he doesn’t have to wipe twice, he’ll use the poop-less side to blow his nose. This is just one example of his incredible thriftiness, according to Wikipedia.) And here is more proof that Paul Ryan is magic: He believes the best way forward is to allocate an extra $8 billion to Homeland Security and the Pentagon, and then cut $40 billion from domestic agencies that waste valuable taxpayer dollars on transportation, housing, science programs, financial services and other things taxpayers are in constant need of. Haha, Paul Ryan just violently tongue-punched our collective fart box. [WaPo] Read more on GOP: Cut Basic Human Services, Increase Funding For Pentagon… Read more on GOP: Cut Basic Human Services, Increase Funding For Pentagon…
  it's morning in america

New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers

From the noble Brownstones of Brooklyn to the hilltop villas of Malibu that fall onto incoming traffic whenever there’s a mudslide, America is full of architectural gems. So it’s rather worrisome that New Orleans officials are planning to rid their city of the last remaining FEMA trailers — national treasures which are widely recognized as horrible and “all the proof you need that George W. Bush hates black/poor people.” Christ, these are probably the same vintage trailers (circa 2006) that contain obscene levels of toxic formaldehyde gas. Are people really still living in these poisonous tin cans? And is there any remaining doubt that we are a Failed State? Good grief, “Happy New Year.” [AP] Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers… Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers…