The so-called media elites in this godforsaken country got it all wrong yesterday, playing up that “Beltway Rumble” between Barack Obama and Dick Cheney. They should’ve been paying attention to the day’s most important speech from OH WE DON’T KNOW maybe the current President of the United States, George Bush Junior? He’s alive! And while his former intern Dick Cheney was cackling about death and carnage and sadism in Washington, Bush was cold talkin’ dog shit with a bunch of high school kids in the alien concentration camp of Roswell, New Mexico. MORE »

There is a special rule in politics: only Republicans can be actors (Reagan, Schwarzenegger, Thompson). Republican actors are “serious,” whereas the Democrats are just a bunch of hippie slobs who want to make North Korea our 51st state. That is why Val Kilmer cannot run for governor of New Mexico. MORE »

He was the Democratic presidential candidate with the funniest ads, and maybe the most experience. And then he was going to be, maybe, secretary of state. But Hillary got that prize. Then he was going to Commerce, but there was some investigation of his office in New Mexico. Now, Bill Richardson just dances and dances and dances to the Mexican turbo-polka, as this secret May 4 video makes so terrifyingly clear. [YouTube via Wonkette Operative "Ellen D."]

There’s some corruption in New Mexico! (Allegedly.) A California business got a contract maybe through some agency (?) in New Mexico, and this is tied to the Governor’s Department, and Bill Richardson is (still) the governor of N.M., so now he is bowing out of the Commerce Department cabinet post because of the Great Cloud of Scandal, which could get its Taint on Big Bill, and that’s it for Hispanics in Politics, the end. This is all Rod Blagojevich’s fault! [Washington Post/Top of the Ticket]

Now that he’s the President of Global Business, Bill Richardson is on the A List! People are interested, maybe, in what he has to say! So it’s a good thing Esquire just posted some random stuff from an interview with the de-bearded New Mexican. He named his horse after some country music jackass! Barack Obama helped him out at a debate! MORE »

Jeez, that media whore Barack Obama is on the teevee again! Let’s liveblog it. He is introducing the Commerce Secretary, who was announced what, two weeks ago? Slow news day, Barry, MMMHMMM? Every big supporter of Obama gets their own press conference which probably takes over The View or Ellen or something, which angers American women. Anyway, Mr. Talky is already talking so let’s do this thing. MORE »

• Join the Young Eagles! It is a decadently homoerotic symposium for young boys under the age of 45 and the older conservative gentleman who get off on mentoring them, consensually. [Daily Kos]
• This is the lady that Obama and Bill Ayers tried to abort with ecstasy tablets in the 60s. Why won’t Obama just apologize instead of voting against giving this lady health care every day of his life? [The Corner]
• Arabic-language socialist pamphlet the New Mexico Sun News has called the election for Obama. [CNN Political Ticker]
• In the dead of night, Barack Obama will sneak into your house in a Trojan terror horse, built with white people’s taxes. He will then take all of your possessions and pass them out randomly, to the populace, in a sort of Marxist Yankee Swap. [Crooks and Liars]
• Someone pointed out to Palin that “McCain” rhymed with “brain.” So pleased was she with this fancy word learnin’ that she welcomed it as a new campaign slogan. [Top of the Ticket]
• Oh, and NYU Scientists want to know how you make all your decisions about voting and the like. [Survey Fun!]

Even though the Internet has already concluded that Barack Obama lost the election after some unknown wingnut vice president lady gave one surly speech last week, we couldn’t help but check out the electoral map anyway, just for kicks. Above is the fun Pollster map, and then you’ve got your FiveThirtyEight map, and this is a good thing to read also. Now play around with this stuff for exactly two minutes, preferably while drinking, and after those two minutes you’ll realize that Barack Obama still has this shit safely locked up. MORE »

AMERICAblog has posted the comical tale of a New Mexico resident who went to a popular local restaurant yesterday and saw the Republican candidates, in the flesh, who both basically ignored him even though he had a cute baby with him. Why do Republicans hate cute babies and men with liberal elitist iPhones asking insolent questions? MORE »

It’s strange, sort of, that New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson would endorse Barack Obama right now. True, Richardson is a psychotically ambitious career-builder who likes to keep his name in the papers. And someone like Richardson only sees an endorsement as a bargaining chip for an appointed position, because he loves nothing more than bragging about his resume. Job, jobs, jobs, look at all the jobs I’ve had, blah blah, make me President because of my jobs, so then I can get more new jobs. So what job did kindly Obama throw his way, and can Richardson’s job experience help undecided voters trust Obama? MORE »

Barack’s win streak is over at eight! In a sense! After a long, winding, self-indulgent speech, a New Mexico Democratic official — Brian “Listening To You Is Worse Than Having Cancer Of The” Colon — just declared Hillary Clinton the winner of the state’s caucuses, which were held on Super Tuesday. So it actually happened before Barack’s eight-state win streak, but who’s counting! Expect a huge Hillary spin rally in the near future, with lots of mariachi children gently strumming in the background. [CNN]