Tag Archives: new mexico

  Going Back To Kali

Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts.

Danger Yoga!
Pat Robertson reminded his viewers (we assume he has some) on Tuesday that the world is beset with traps and snares for the unwary Christian, like the prospect that a simple exercise class could trick your innocent child into speaking in foreign tongues and invoking strange Hindoo devil-gods! Read more on Pat Robertson Has Thoughts On Devil’s Yoga. They Are Bad Thoughts….
  Our Cold Merely Wounded Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves

Nobody wearing a 'take responsibility' shirt would ever act irresponsibly!
Time for another roundup of just a few exciting stories of Responsible Gun Owners keeping themselves safe from crime and from the threat of tyrannical government overreach! We’ll ease into our Gun Fun with a story that’s happily non-lethal — so far, at least. Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Improve Safety Record, Only Maim Selves…
  Your Lump Of Christmas Clean Coal

Dumb New Mexico Hippies Refusing To Burn Their Fair Share Of Coal

Princess Celestia is going to be SO pissed about this...
Image by Daniel Nadelbach, Mother Earth Living In what’s just the latest of several similar moves to make customers who have rooftop solar electricity systems “pay their fair share” for being less polluting, the largest utility in New Mexico, PNM Resources, has proposed a surcharge on home solar customers, aimed at keeping those damned greenies from getting a free ride for the cost of their connection to the power grid. Read more on Dumb New Mexico Hippies Refusing To Burn Their Fair Share Of Coal…
  From the Producers of Naked and Afraid

Senators Survive Stupid Reality TV Show, Don’t Even Kill Each Other

Photo Courtesy of Discovery Channel Most members of Congress use their long August recess to get back home and load up on their favorite regional food that no one can make the right way in DC, while being photographed appearing to reconnect with voters. Added bonus: They get to escape the swamptacular weather in America’s damp, sweaty seat of power. For two members of the Senate, this summer’s five-week paid vacation “district work period” was a chance to sneak away on a top-secret, death-defying adventure in the Marshall Islands for a new reality show. It’s C-SPAN 2 meets Naked and Afraid, and it’s coming to your favorite ostensibly educational cable network this fall! Read more on Senators Survive Stupid Reality TV Show, Don’t Even Kill Each Other…
  No Weh

GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution

Let’s say you are a Republican running for Senate in New Mexico against the current and quite popular Democratic Sen. Tom Udall, and your chances of winning are slightly better than a snowstorm in hell. What do you do? If you are Allen Weh, you run the most disgusting ad your campaign brain trust can imagine because YOLO, apparently. Read more on GOP Senate Hopeful Totally Not Sorry For Despicable Ad Exploiting James Foley’s Execution…
  edgy political satire

Hilarious O’Reilly Pal Jesse Watters Gets Dainty Fashionable Boot Up Ass At N.O.W. Convention

Insufferable smugbunny Jesse Watters, who does innovative comedy clips involving record-scratch sound effects for The O’Reilly Factor, scored some major ha-has at the 2014 National Organization for Women (NOW) conference in Albuquerque before he was booted by security for not having a press pass. Get this: he offended one lady by calling her a “gal!” Watters also scored major points against the silly little “feminist” movement by starting the segment with Helen Reddy’s embarrassingly-dated 70’s anthem “I Am Woman,” because come on, do women even NEED an organization anymore? And then he made some hilarious jokes about so-called “War on Women,” asking if any of the ladies at the convention had been wounded, or if he’d be issued a weapon if he signed up, and even asking NOW president Patricia Ireland to feel his manly bicep muscle to see if he’s tough enough to fight. Get it? That there is some high-concept comedy riffing. Why don’t feminists just lighten up and stop being such man-hating sourpusses, huh? Read more on Hilarious O’Reilly Pal Jesse Watters Gets Dainty Fashionable Boot Up Ass At N.O.W. Convention…
  giddy-up cowboy

Nice Time: Texas Judge Seeks To Cram Gay Marriage Down Rick Perry’s Throat

If everything is bigger in Texas, then we can’t wait to attend a big ol’ Texas-sized Gay Wedding. And pretty soon that could happen, per the NYT: A federal judge in Texas struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage on Wednesday, ruling that the laws restricting marriage to a man and a woman violated the United States Constitution and handing gay-rights advocates a major legal victory in one of the nation’s biggest and most conservative states. Given that Texas joins the likes of Utah, Virginia, Oklahoma, Kentucky*, and New Mexico in overturning anti-gay marriage statutes, this is almost becoming a ‘dog bites man’ story. In any case, we hope that there were all sorts of unnatural celebrations culminating in gayed up reverse cowboy positions all over the Lone Star State.  Read more on Nice Time: Texas Judge Seeks To Cram Gay Marriage Down Rick Perry’s Throat…
  thoughts on bondage and discipline unknown

GOP Congressman Has Thoughtful Plan To End War On Women: Have The Women Surrender Unto Him

Ever since the GOP lost 183% of the non-penis vote in 2012, we have been pleasantly surprised at the abrupt turnaround of the Republican Party. Who would have imagined a pro-choice GOP that fights tooth and nail for equal pay for women! But for every two steps forward, there is the inevitable step backwards, this time courtesy of “back-bench member of Congress” Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM), per the Washington Post: A Republican member of Congress [Pearce] says in a recently released book that a wife is to “voluntarily submit” to her husband, but that it doesn’t make her inferior to him. Oh yes, that most favorite passage of the Bible that conservatives super-promise is totally cool and DEMAND that we not take out of context, because thinking of submitting to the husband as leader of the family has nothing at all to do with him being superior and you being inferior. To think about it THAT WAY is just being all emotional, and you know how you ladies get when you think with your emotions, which are always running your world especially when you are PMSing, which is all the time, so don’t worry your pretty little head over this, because that’s the job of your husband, who is your leader, your guiding star, and your commander-in-chief. But not in a superior way.  Read more on GOP Congressman Has Thoughtful Plan To End War On Women: Have The Women Surrender Unto Him…
  it's the most wonderful time of the year

New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013

Thanks to a 9th-grade teacher in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, America now has its Official Stupidest Meme for the 2013 holiday season. Megyn Kelly’s teevee contribution to the idiocy was certainly the first and loudest, but an unnamed teacher at Cleveland High School gave “Don’t you know Santa Claus is white?” its definitive real-world test drive last week, mocking (ironically?) an autistic black kid wearing a Santa hat & beard to school. As far as we’re concerned, that’s all the tipping point needed: 2013 is now the Year Of White Santa. Now let’s all go make some children cry! Read more on New Mexico Teacher Helps Make ‘Santa Is White’ Official Stupidest Meme For Christmas 2013…
  government small enough to fit deep inside your colon

Unless You Like Traffic Stops With Cartman-Style Anal Probes, Do Not Roll Through Stop Signs In New Mexico

We’ll just warn you up front: Please clear the room of breakables before reading — this is one of those stories where you’re going to want to throw things. Following a January traffic stop, Sheriff’s deputies, police officers, and hospital personnel in Deming, New Mexico all joined together to (ALLEGEDLY) inflict what became an hours-long torture session on a man they suspected was smuggling narcotics. A judge issued a warrant for a cavity search, but what followed was the kind of nightmare that we’re supposed to think only happens in bad horror movies and conspiracy-theory emails. For chrissakes, law enforcement, how are we supposed to mock people like Basil Marceaux and his weird obsession with “slavery at traffic stops” when you go and act like the goddamn 1977 Paraguayan Secret Police All-Stars? Read more on Unless You Like Traffic Stops With Cartman-Style Anal Probes, Do Not Roll Through Stop Signs In New Mexico…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup

Welcome to a special Labor Day edition of picked-up pieces, a baggy collection of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but that we couldn’t quite manage a full post on. Or just didn’t wanna. At the top of the list, Tucker Carlson snoozing on the set of Fox & Friends, because there’s really not much more to say about it, other than “Hey, look at this professional teevee idjit sleeping on a couch!” Carlson’s thoughts on the matter were limited to “Is this honestly live?” and “I was having these happy thoughts and I dozed off … Is this honestly on TV?” There’s probably a metaphor here, we think.  Stay in school, kids. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Derp: Your Labor Day Loonworld Roundup…
  do you know the way to santa fe?

The Wonked-Out Brains Of Santa Fe

We are really really sorry Albuquerque that we did not stop in and buy you beers. HOWEVER. Skipping you in favor of Santa Fe seems to have been the correct choice. Did you know everyone there is beautiful? Are YOU beautiful? Then perhaps you should shut your whineholes. (Speaking of whineholes, the nipples above belong to Miss Lisa Wines. You are welcome, America.) Probably 25 wonkdaddies and their Special Ladies arrived at Del Charro to let us buy them margaritas and platters of fried things. IndiePalin and DahBoner were there! Many lurkers were there! A guy who used to work for Bill Richardson was there, and invited us to stop into his girlfriend’s family’s Greek restaurant once we get to Chicago, where, he assured us, once we drop her name we will be such honored princesses, they will burn a Turk for us right there on the table! Now let’s see some Hot Pixxx. Read more on The Wonked-Out Brains Of Santa Fe…
  wonk your brains out

A Gentle Reminder To Get Your Ass To Santa Fe Tonight, And Also Scottsdale Party Pix Of Girls Girls Girls

See those nice young ladies? They were performing at some biker bar what we went at after we got tired of line dancing with Olds at Handlebar J’s in Scottsdale, Arizona, and Miss Lisa Wines got all of one picture before a goon smashed her camera and yelled NO PITCHERS or whatever. What will happen TONIGHT, at Del Charro in Santa Fe? Well, hopefully not more of the same, because seriously, we are classier than that. Aren’t we? Maybe? Read more on A Gentle Reminder To Get Your Ass To Santa Fe Tonight, And Also Scottsdale Party Pix Of Girls Girls Girls…
  Important Programming Notes

Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest Orgy And World Tour Rolls Through Scottsdale Arizona Tonight! Renegade Unofficial Meetup In Albuquerque Thursday!

Hey there, Wonkezonans and New Wonkicans! The 2013 Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest Orgy And World Tour kicks things off in Scottsdale, Arizona tonight! There will be line dancing, and perhaps later, dancing lines of blurred vision! Meet Yr Editrix and travel pal Lisa Wines for fun & frolix! Ask Rebecca what kind of highway mileage that new used Prius gets! Wednesday, June 5:  6 PM at Handlebar J, 7116 E Becker Ln., Scottsdale, AZ 85254, (480) 948-0110. Read more on Wonk Your Brains Out Midwest Southwest Orgy And World Tour Rolls Through Scottsdale Arizona Tonight! Renegade Unofficial Meetup In Albuquerque Thursday!…
  eat your beets or you're going to jail

Mommyblogging! New Mexico Jailers Send Man To His Room For Two Years, By Accident!

Well, here is a terrible story out of New Mexico that is about as funny as a feminist: A 59-year-old man jailed (BUT NEVER PROSECUTED OR CONVICTED) for alleged DUI was dumped into solitary confinement to keep him away from other prisoners due to his history of mental illness — and left there for almost two years! We are sure we will think of a joke to say about this … hmmm … welllll … a little help here, guys? Read more on Mommyblogging! New Mexico Jailers Send Man To His Room For Two Years, By Accident!…
  shmashmortion

New Mexico Will Prosecute You for Borting Your Rape Baby, Because You Are Borting ‘The Evidence’

Ladies, ladies, stop your hysterical caterwauling in that shrill way you do that you do! It is okay that a Republican lawmaker in New Mexico has introduced you to carry your Rape Baby to term “to use the fetus as evidence” (carrying a sentence of up to three years!) in your raper’s trial! It is okay because the lawmaker in question is a woman. Read more on New Mexico Will Prosecute You for Borting Your Rape Baby, Because You Are Borting ‘The Evidence’…
  all he wanted was a pepsi

Hi Dad You’re In Jail, And Other GOP Vote Frauders ‘Testing The System’

After hearing ad nauseam about how Dumbocrats were totally going to ACORN it up this year — and Pundit Press, among others, thinks they totally did — it seems the only three people who actually tried to in-person vote fraud this year were Republicans. So weird! One was a sad idiot lady in sad, idiot Nevada. The other two were some jerkoffs in New Mexico — one of whom, naturally, was a GOP poll watcher. Two of the three gave the same excuse for trying to vote two times each: they were “testing the system,” because of course they were. The third was just stealing his own son’s vote. Read more on Hi Dad You’re In Jail, And Other GOP Vote Frauders ‘Testing The System’…
  vote early and often

Destroying Democracy Thirty-Five Days Early: Ohio Voting Edition

Who’s got two thumbs and voted yesterday? THIS GUY. Ohio allows early voting (sort of maybe if the Secretary of State allows it?) thirty-five days before the election. Because I am a shameless political hack, I knew exactly who I was voting for when the 2012 presidential race began in 2009. (Mitt Romney, obviously.) I voted in Dayton, which Lewis Black once called “Detroit’s little brother.” That is unfair, because Detroit is kind of awesome and has Miguel Cabrera, and Dayton is the birthplace of the Incredible Hulk. Well, Bruce Banner; the Hulk was borne out of Banner’s psychological trauma and exposure to a massive dose of gamma radiation, which kind of happened in multiple places but mainly New Mexico. I did not vote in New Mexico. Yet. Read more on Destroying Democracy Thirty-Five Days Early: Ohio Voting Edition…
  dumb horrible people everywhere

RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians

Today is Wonkette Manifest Destiny history day! Well, there was this General Custer once who got himself and all his men killed after killing a ton of Indians himself. New Mexico GOP lobbyist and prominent local RNC official Pat Rogers remembers this well. It sears his every moment of consciousness. And he is absolutely furious that New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez agreed to meet with American Indians. “The state is going to hell,” Rogers wrote in an email. “Col. Weh [Martinez’s 2010 primary opponent] would not have dishonored Col. Custer in this manner.” Uhhh… Read more on RNC Official Furious At New Mexico Gov Disrespecting General Custer, By Meeting Indians…
  shake it like a polaroid picture

Hero Photographer Fighting For Right Not To Deal With Icky Gays

In an upside-down world where girls want to marry girls and Christians are suddenly not allowed to be jerks about it, Elaine Huguenin is a crusader. She’s a wedding photographer from New Mexico who’s been fighting discrimination charges since 2008 over an incident in which a gay couple tried to hire her for their commitment ceremony and Huguenin responded by telling those heathen she-bastards to hit the road and buy a Polaroid, ’cause this picture-clicker ain’t snappin’ no homos. Unfortunately for Huguenin, New Mexico has a law about that, and it says she’s SOL. It stipulates businesses can’t discriminate based on sexual orientation, and the courts — several of them — have ruled that’s exactly what Huguenin did, on account of that’s what she says she did but IT WAS BECAUSE OF JESUS YOU GUYS COME ON. Read more on Hero Photographer Fighting For Right Not To Deal With Icky Gays…
  filmed before a live studio audience

New Mexico Cop Has Explosive Situation On His Hands (VIDEO)

Sergeant Mike Eiskant, a Santa Fe police officer, was caught utilizing his inch high private eye while on duty. Luckily for him, he will be able to put it behind him once the video stops going viral. Officer Eiskant is a private man, which is why he chose a marked police car with a dash cam. Although the dash cam was pointed in another direction, the audio is clear. Almost a dozen hours of the video was obtained, but only a sample of audio was released. Seargant Eiskant is actually for real badge #69. He is considered to be armed and relaxed. His dedication to masturbation in public and being a police officer has caused him recognition in the past according to former officer Shannon Brady. The former officer recalls his bad reputation as a stalker of women and a ‘creeper’. Brady claims to have been harassed by Sgt. Eikant and even filed a complaint with Human Resources. Nothing seems to have come of the complaint other than having been used as a napkin during Officer Eikant’s ‘lunch hour’. Wonkette has gathered enough masturbation resources over the years and was able to reconstruct the missing transcripts: Read more on New Mexico Cop Has Explosive Situation On His Hands (VIDEO)…