Tag Archives: New Jersey

  Infectious Unease Vectors

Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola

How odd that a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders isn't a Republican
Since Barack Obama stubbornly insists on listening to public health experts instead of Fox News, it’s become quite clear that wingnuts’ favored non-solution, a ban on travel from West Africa, isn’t going to happen. Happily, a few governors figured out that even if they can’t ban travel, they can impose a quarantine order on people who have been in West Africa, so now it’s time to scoop up people with no Ebola symptoms and isolate them all for 21 days. Read more on Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  senioritis

Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose

Image via YouTube With a little over a week to go before Election Day, Scott Walker is increasingly a man in need of a helping hand. His once-certain re-election as King of Wisconsin has taken up residence in every pollster’s “no idea, don’t ask us” box, the U.S. Supreme Court cruelly dashed his hopes of excluding thousands of largely Democratic voters from the polls, a new batch of documents just dropped from the investigation that’s taken down a half-dozen of his underlings and cronies, and his opponent Mary Burke has been landing punches (with ads) and drawing big crowds with visits from a string of Democratic superstars. Read more on Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose…
  born to run

Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents

This fucking guy
Human meatball Chris Christie, governor of the Turnpike Exit State, is gearing up for his inevitable presidential run in 2016. Which means giving America a glimpse of that fabulously warm personality type that once made Tony Soprano the most popular murdering sociopath in America. Read more on Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla

“So Todd just comes beepin’ up — be-boppin’ on up stairs, right? Um…interrupted me a little bit…and he says, ‘Hey, Sarah, there’s these two really nice guys from New Jersey, they’re in the dri–.’ C’mere, Todd!” Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla…
  clipbait

Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You

Chris Christie, communist who would save New Jersey if he would allow price gouging
Just because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R-Bridgegate) makes Bruce Springsteen sick to his stomach because Christie stands for everything The Boss stands against is no reason why The Boss doesn’t want Christie pretending they are total besties. Take that, silly lady who thinks otherwise: Read more on Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…
  where at least i know i'm free

Responsible Gun Owner Kills Nephew With ‘Unloaded’ Gun While Showing Off Laser Sight

In yet another tale of Responsible Gun Owners who were perfectly law-abiding citizens who practiced excellent firearms safety right up until they didn’t, a 34-year-old New Jersey Pennsylvania* man shot his 11-year-old nephew to death over the weekend while demonstrating the cool red dot the laser sight made on the kid’s forehead. We’re guessing he may be having some second thoughts about how secure his home is now. Read more on Responsible Gun Owner Kills Nephew With ‘Unloaded’ Gun While Showing Off Laser Sight…
  yes we cannabis

New Jersey Airs Network TV Commercial For Jazz-Cigarette Medicine, World Maybe Does Not End?

Good job on this ad, Medical Cannabis Network! It is actually funny! Reader, watch it! If you can’t, here is the SPOILER: We join a swarthy fellow with an Orson Welles mustache who is trying to sell us some black market sushi, and being real shady about it, like “Yo. You want sushi? I got sushi.” Then a woman says “You wouldn’t buy your sushi from this guy,” and you are like “Finally! A safe and confidential means of obtaining sushi!” But you have been fooled because there is a TWIST: The sushi is a metaphor for your filthy cannabis weeds! Read more on New Jersey Airs Network TV Commercial For Jazz-Cigarette Medicine, World Maybe Does Not End?…
  today in terrible teens

Entitled Monster Files Lawsuit To Get Daddy To Pay For College Even Though She Is 18, Is Literally The Worst

Sometimes we like to check in on what entitled little monster teenagers are up to, and oh dear lord this is the best rotten teenager ever until we find a worse one. Let’s go read about Rachel Canning, who is suing her parents to try to force them to pay for her college tuition. All together now: SHE SEEMS NICE. Read more on Entitled Monster Files Lawsuit To Get Daddy To Pay For College Even Though She Is 18, Is Literally The Worst…
  debt comes for the archbishop

New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors

So here is a fine kettle of Ichthys — as we mentioned a couple weeks back, John J. Myers, the Archbishop of Newark — which is a pretty fun title to say, we’ll admit — is building himself a new wing on the Barbie’s Dream Bishop Retirement Home, to the tune of half a million dollars. This is not going over especially well with parishioners, who are less than thrilled that Myers’s 4500-square-foot residence is getting a brand new wing at a time when the archdiocese has had to close schools because of budget shortfalls, and for that matter, after New Pope’s call for priests to drive boring cars and knock it off already with the luxurious manses. And so, when the “Archbishop’s Annual Appeal” envelopes were handed out last month, a lot of cheesed-off Catholics have been sending the Archbishop a message, loud and clear, in the form of empty contribution envelopes, to which we say, way to go, pissed-off parishioners who aren’t going to give one more cent for this foolishness. Except for the part that kind of sucks, which is that the costs of the new additions to Meyers’s residence came from the sale of other property, so withholding contributions won’t slow down the construction by so much as a nail. It’s almost as if the archdiocese carefully planned the building project to insulate it from pissed-off parishioners, isn’t it? Read more on New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors…
  morning boehner

John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick

You know what a fate worse than death would be? Paying the fry cook at your local McBurgerQueen slightly more than the shitty wage she is earning today. Weeper of the House John Boehner would rather kill himself than see hardworking Americans be able to earn a living wage. Per The Hill: Speaker John Boehner is so against raising the minimum wage that he once said he would rather commit suicide than vote for a “clean” increase. Okay, so “once” was in 1996, but we haven’t heard that he’s taken his head out of the oven this time around. And we kind of agree. No, not with killing himself because WE VALUE ALL HUMAN LIFE HERE. (Wonkers, no ideating on his death — or dismemberment — in the comments, thank you.) But because who would want to live in a world where someone working two part-time jobs is able to afford food for their ENTIRE family?!? *Shudder* Oh, did we mention that Boehner just bought an $835k vacation home in Florida? Haha, fuck you poor people.  Read more on John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick…
  let's bash this bishop

Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?

Hey, remember the story about the German “Bling Bishop” who got suspended after everybody was outraged by the $55 million cost of renovating his personal residence? Right here in U.S. America, we seem to have our own version of an archbishop who’s a little like that, too, though on a smaller scale. Take a look at this New York Times story about John J. Myers, the archbishop of the Archdiocese of Newark, New Jersey, who’s also getting some home improvements done. Now, it’s not exactly on the scale of the German bishop’s palace — it’s a 3000-square-foot addition to a vacation home that Myers will retire to in two years, not a restoration of an 800-year-old building, and there’s definitely nothing to compare to the German place’s $20,000 bathtub. In fact, it’s almost a bargain at only half a million dollars, which would barely cover the cost of the German residence’s solid gold hamster cages (don’t ask). Read more on Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?…
  At This Rate We May Never Forget

Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11

Last night, Malcolm Smith of the Colorado Seabirds won the Super-Ball Much Vaunted Person Certificate for his outstanding achievements in hitting, catching, and running. This gave Malcolm Smith something that somebody else wanted. The something was a microphone, and the somebody else was Matthew Mills, an “independent” “journalist” from Brooklyn, NY. As real journalists gathered around Smith to ask him questions about his mood, Mills saw his chance. He grabbed the microphone from Smith like a sportsball man doing a sweet move, and managed to say “Investigate 9/11; 9/11 was perpetrated by people within our own government” before not saying that anymore and something else happening. It looks like he darted away after a confused man touched him, but someone must have roughed him up at some point, right? Today, we are all never forgetting. Read more on Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11…
 

Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It

When Chris Christie’s Best Friend Forever (Forever), this guy David Wildstein whom he’d never met, went before the hearings on Chris Christie’s shitty petty bullshit nonsense of closing the lanes to the George Washington Bridge as shitty petty bullshit nonsense political payback, he (David Wildstein) pleaded his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself. Like, a lot. “Oh hey fellas,” he said, “I might know some stuff about some things if’n you wanna quid pro quo me some whatchamacallit, amnesty or immunity or whatever the one is that you get for crimes, not for being Mexican.” (Direct quote.) Well, perhaps he did know some stuff about some things! Perhaps he did! Because now his lawyer is releasing letters that are incredibly not exciting, and also crap-written, but they seem to intimate some stuff! About some things! And everybody is mighty excited! Read more on Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It…
  deep thoughts

Peggy Noonan No Longer Finds Chris Christie A Caring And Attentive Lover, Thanks Obama!

She had known heartbreak, had Peggy Noonan. Oh yes, the beloved Sister of Our Lady of the Bottomless Julep had known the glorious touch of a lover sullied by the pain of betrayal when it was withheld. She had loved fully, ravenously, had taken up the cup Eros set before her, touched her lips to the rim of this magic goblet and drunk deeply of the nectar within. And it had been good, at least through election season. Until the nectar curdled in her belly and her lover left her bereft, wandering her penthouse with only her memories and her portraits of good Republican men to keep her company. There had been a place for him too, her love, in her Hall of Heroes. Even now an empty frame hung on the wall, awaiting only the day when she would commission a portraitist to take his brush to canvas and commit her lover’s image to immortality, a bulwark against the void of obscurity, gracelessness, and publicly funded teachers pensions. And then – O tempora! O mores! – the swift realization that he was like the others of his age, a self-centered politician only looking out for Number One. She had thought him better than that. “Oh Peggy,” she crooned softly as she stared mournfully at the empty gilded frame, ice clinking against the glass she swirled in her hand. “Help me mend my broken heart…and let me live agaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn….” Read more on Peggy Noonan No Longer Finds Chris Christie A Caring And Attentive Lover, Thanks Obama!…