Tag Archives: New Jersey

  yes we cannabis

New Jersey Airs Network TV Commercial For Jazz-Cigarette Medicine, World Maybe Does Not End?

Good job on this ad, Medical Cannabis Network! It is actually funny! Reader, watch it! If you can’t, here is the SPOILER: We join a swarthy fellow with an Orson Welles mustache who is trying to sell us some black market sushi, and being real shady about it, like “Yo. You want sushi? I got sushi.” Then a woman says “You wouldn’t buy your sushi from this guy,” and you are like “Finally! A safe and confidential means of obtaining sushi!” But you have been fooled because there is a TWIST: The sushi is a metaphor for your filthy cannabis weeds! Read more on New Jersey Airs Network TV Commercial For Jazz-Cigarette Medicine, World Maybe Does Not End?…
  today in terrible teens

Entitled Monster Files Lawsuit To Get Daddy To Pay For College Even Though She Is 18, Is Literally The Worst

Sometimes we like to check in on what entitled little monster teenagers are up to, and oh dear lord this is the best rotten teenager ever until we find a worse one. Let’s go read about Rachel Canning, who is suing her parents to try to force them to pay for her college tuition. All together now: SHE SEEMS NICE. Read more on Entitled Monster Files Lawsuit To Get Daddy To Pay For College Even Though She Is 18, Is Literally The Worst…
  debt comes for the archbishop

New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors

So here is a fine kettle of Ichthys — as we mentioned a couple weeks back, John J. Myers, the Archbishop of Newark — which is a pretty fun title to say, we’ll admit — is building himself a new wing on the Barbie’s Dream Bishop Retirement Home, to the tune of half a million dollars. This is not going over especially well with parishioners, who are less than thrilled that Myers’s 4500-square-foot residence is getting a brand new wing at a time when the archdiocese has had to close schools because of budget shortfalls, and for that matter, after New Pope’s call for priests to drive boring cars and knock it off already with the luxurious manses. And so, when the “Archbishop’s Annual Appeal” envelopes were handed out last month, a lot of cheesed-off Catholics have been sending the Archbishop a message, loud and clear, in the form of empty contribution envelopes, to which we say, way to go, pissed-off parishioners who aren’t going to give one more cent for this foolishness. Except for the part that kind of sucks, which is that the costs of the new additions to Meyers’s residence came from the sale of other property, so withholding contributions won’t slow down the construction by so much as a nail. It’s almost as if the archdiocese carefully planned the building project to insulate it from pissed-off parishioners, isn’t it? Read more on New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors…
  morning boehner

John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick

You know what a fate worse than death would be? Paying the fry cook at your local McBurgerQueen slightly more than the shitty wage she is earning today. Weeper of the House John Boehner would rather kill himself than see hardworking Americans be able to earn a living wage. Per The Hill: Speaker John Boehner is so against raising the minimum wage that he once said he would rather commit suicide than vote for a “clean” increase. Okay, so “once” was in 1996, but we haven’t heard that he’s taken his head out of the oven this time around. And we kind of agree. No, not with killing himself because WE VALUE ALL HUMAN LIFE HERE. (Wonkers, no ideating on his death — or dismemberment — in the comments, thank you.) But because who would want to live in a world where someone working two part-time jobs is able to afford food for their ENTIRE family?!? *Shudder* Oh, did we mention that Boehner just bought an $835k vacation home in Florida? Haha, fuck you poor people.  Read more on John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick…
  let's bash this bishop

Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?

Hey, remember the story about the German “Bling Bishop” who got suspended after everybody was outraged by the $55 million cost of renovating his personal residence? Right here in U.S. America, we seem to have our own version of an archbishop who’s a little like that, too, though on a smaller scale. Take a look at this New York Times story about John J. Myers, the archbishop of the Archdiocese of Newark, New Jersey, who’s also getting some home improvements done. Now, it’s not exactly on the scale of the German bishop’s palace — it’s a 3000-square-foot addition to a vacation home that Myers will retire to in two years, not a restoration of an 800-year-old building, and there’s definitely nothing to compare to the German place’s $20,000 bathtub. In fact, it’s almost a bargain at only half a million dollars, which would barely cover the cost of the German residence’s solid gold hamster cages (don’t ask). Read more on Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?…
  At This Rate We May Never Forget

Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11

Last night, Malcolm Smith of the Colorado Seabirds won the Super-Ball Much Vaunted Person Certificate for his outstanding achievements in hitting, catching, and running. This gave Malcolm Smith something that somebody else wanted. The something was a microphone, and the somebody else was Matthew Mills, an “independent” “journalist” from Brooklyn, NY. As real journalists gathered around Smith to ask him questions about his mood, Mills saw his chance. He grabbed the microphone from Smith like a sportsball man doing a sweet move, and managed to say “Investigate 9/11; 9/11 was perpetrated by people within our own government” before not saying that anymore and something else happening. It looks like he darted away after a confused man touched him, but someone must have roughed him up at some point, right? Today, we are all never forgetting. Read more on Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11…
 

Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It

When Chris Christie’s Best Friend Forever (Forever), this guy David Wildstein whom he’d never met, went before the hearings on Chris Christie’s shitty petty bullshit nonsense of closing the lanes to the George Washington Bridge as shitty petty bullshit nonsense political payback, he (David Wildstein) pleaded his Fifth Amendment right not to incriminate himself. Like, a lot. “Oh hey fellas,” he said, “I might know some stuff about some things if’n you wanna quid pro quo me some whatchamacallit, amnesty or immunity or whatever the one is that you get for crimes, not for being Mexican.” (Direct quote.) Well, perhaps he did know some stuff about some things! Perhaps he did! Because now his lawyer is releasing letters that are incredibly not exciting, and also crap-written, but they seem to intimate some stuff! About some things! And everybody is mighty excited! Read more on Nice Denial About Knowing You Shut Down That Bridge, Chris Christie, Shame If Anything Were To Happen To It…
  deep thoughts

Peggy Noonan No Longer Finds Chris Christie A Caring And Attentive Lover, Thanks Obama!

She had known heartbreak, had Peggy Noonan. Oh yes, the beloved Sister of Our Lady of the Bottomless Julep had known the glorious touch of a lover sullied by the pain of betrayal when it was withheld. She had loved fully, ravenously, had taken up the cup Eros set before her, touched her lips to the rim of this magic goblet and drunk deeply of the nectar within. And it had been good, at least through election season. Until the nectar curdled in her belly and her lover left her bereft, wandering her penthouse with only her memories and her portraits of good Republican men to keep her company. There had been a place for him too, her love, in her Hall of Heroes. Even now an empty frame hung on the wall, awaiting only the day when she would commission a portraitist to take his brush to canvas and commit her lover’s image to immortality, a bulwark against the void of obscurity, gracelessness, and publicly funded teachers pensions. And then – O tempora! O mores! – the swift realization that he was like the others of his age, a self-centered politician only looking out for Number One. She had thought him better than that. “Oh Peggy,” she crooned softly as she stared mournfully at the empty gilded frame, ice clinking against the glass she swirled in her hand. “Help me mend my broken heart…and let me live agaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn….” Read more on Peggy Noonan No Longer Finds Chris Christie A Caring And Attentive Lover, Thanks Obama!…
  clipbait

Born To Just Sit There Idling: Jimmy Fallon & Bruce Springsteen Team Up For Awesome Bridgeghazi Parody

Chris Christie has lost the Boss, not that he ever really had him. Here for your morning clipbait are Jimmy Fallon and Bruce Springsteen, two broken heroes on a last chance power drive…but mostly just stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge. With the lanes out of Fort Lee closed, Wendy had better just not get her hopes up, is what they’re saying: Read more on Born To Just Sit There Idling: Jimmy Fallon & Bruce Springsteen Team Up For Awesome Bridgeghazi Parody…
  can't you take a choke?

Rudy Giuliani Calls Christie’s 4-Day Traffic Gridlock A ‘Prank,’ 9/11 Now Downgraded To ‘Horseplay’

Former NYC 9/11 Mayor 9/11 Rudy 9/11 Giuliani is defending his old pal Chris Christie, saying that the New Jersey governor and future former Republican front-runner is definitely not a bully, and that the closure of lanes on the George Washington Bridge last September was merely a “stupid political prank that backfired.” Stuff happens, and once in a while, when you leave a bucket of water perched on a cracked-open door, it snarls traffic for four days and delays paramedics from getting to a 91-year-old woman who dies later. God, people, have you no sense of humor? Read more on Rudy Giuliani Calls Christie’s 4-Day Traffic Gridlock A ‘Prank,’ 9/11 Now Downgraded To ‘Horseplay’…
  a bridge too farcical

Who Really Closed Chris Christie’s Bridge? We Will Give You One Guess And It Is Barack Obama

In what has to be the easiest wingnut editorial ever written, the online remnants of the New York Sun declared that if Chris Christie’s bridge of sighs was a case of political retribution, then Barack Obama is a bully to put Christie to shame, because he shut down parts of the government during the government shutdown. Yeah, we know. See, the idea — and we use the term loosely — is that once again, the liberal Powers That Be are doing a double standards dance: Let’s see if we get this right. Governor Christie is engulfed in scandal because several of his aides conspired without his knowledge to close approaches to the George Washington Bridge and tie up traffic in order to make a political point and embarrass the mayor of Fort Lee, a Democrat … Forgive us, but are we the only ones who think this is absurd? Maybe not in the abstract. But in comparison to the stunts the Obama administration pulled during the budget fight. A verb, guys. You need a verb. And yes, sure, the government shutdown in October happened when the Obama administration “didn’t get its way from the Republicans on Capitol Hill,” because in wingnutland, that is an accurate description of a shutdown that Ted Cruz was planning since last spring. Read more on Who Really Closed Chris Christie’s Bridge? We Will Give You One Guess And It Is Barack Obama…
  bridge to nowhere

Chris Christie Takes Full Responsibility For Underlings’ Terrible Vengeful Bullying

Now that the dust is starting to settle on the Biggest Press Conference of His Political Career, let’s see whether Governor Chris Christie saved his political bacon (mmmm, bacon). He did the necessary moves, started out with apologies to the people of New Jersey, the people of Fort Lee, and to the state lege, as well as (eventually) the press, the mayor of Fort Lee, the 1979 Jets, and the financial backers of Waterworld. And then he said that he was “embarrassed and humiliated by the conduct of some of the people on my team,” because of course he was absolutely unaware of any wrongdoing, and only learned yesterday that lanes on the busiest bridge in the country were closed as part of a political vendetta. We completely believe everything he said, except for the parts where his trousers literally burst into flame. Read more on Chris Christie Takes Full Responsibility For Underlings’ Terrible Vengeful Bullying…
  the bully's pulpit

Chris Christie To Explain Why He Really Didn’t Murder His Enemy…This Time

Oh, hey, hurry up and turn on the teevee right now to catch Chris Christie’s big press conference in which he takes full responsibility for blames subordinates for all that George Washington Bridge unpleasantness. And you might also want to take a gander at this New York Times piece about all the nastiness that has happened to people who have gotten in the way of the New Jersey governor. You may be completely astonished to learn that in addition to yelling at people a lot, Christie has a long history of petty revenge against his perceived enemies — who woulda thought! Read more on Chris Christie To Explain Why He Really Didn’t Murder His Enemy…This Time…
  no father-land for you

Nazi Dad Just Wants His Parental Reichs

Heath Campbell, the neo-Nazi asshat who made headlines a few years back when a supermarket refused to inscribe the name of his then-3-year-old son, “Adolf Hitler Campbell,” on a birthday cake, is back in business being a free speech martyr, contending that his brand-new baby daughter, Eva Braun Campbell, was taken by New Jersey child protection workers immediately after birth because of his political beliefs. Campbell, who has nine children by five different women — and has custody of none of them — told the New York Daily News of his constant victimization: “I’m not allowed to have children because I’m a Nazi … That’s what they’re saying. Well, I’ll stop making them when they stop taking them.” In reality, despite his insistence that the state took custody of his other children — Adolf Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, Honzlynn Jeannie, and Heinrich Hons — solely because of his political beliefs, state officials have denied that Campbell’s politics are an issue in his custody case; while privacy laws prevent release of family court details, a 2010 appeal of one case indicated that the children were placed in state care because of alleged domestic violence. But with the state unable to say anything about why the children haven’t been returned, Campbell is free to say whatever he wants about his unjust persecution while he dresses up in his pretend Nazi uniform. Read more on Nazi Dad Just Wants His Parental Reichs…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  Trouble Over Bridged Waters

Chris Christie? A Petty, Vengeful Monster? Could It Be?

When we first learned that Gov. Chris Christie was being accused of ordering the closure of two of Fort Lee, New Jersey’s access lanes to the George Washington Bridge because the town’s Democratic mayor had refused to endorse his re-election, we were like “Eh, maybe, seems far-fetched.” But then we kept reading. Read more on Chris Christie? A Petty, Vengeful Monster? Could It Be?…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible

Welcome to yet another Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we hose off our browser and serve up a cocktail of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Mission Implausible…
  do you fear what i fear?

The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)

So here’s some high-octane Nightmare Fuel — you may want to remove any kids from the room before viewing — from something calling itself “St. Mary’s At Large.” The ad’s producers claim it has been airing on MSNBC and Fox News in the New York/New Jersey region. In it, a vaguely Burl-Ives-ish voice intones, “This is Amy. She lives in America. She’s free to smile to show she’s happy. Everyone’s OK with this. Amy is a Christian. She’s also free to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ to show she’s happy. But not everyone is OK with this. We are one nation under God. No man owns Amy’s happiness, and no man will define how she shows it” And then “Amy” screams (it could be dubbed in), and giggles, as an ornament behind her falls and shatters. Oh, and as we learn that “Amy” is a Christian and not everyone is OK with that, “Amy” turns her head and we see that her face has a couple of cuts on it — or maybe that’s jam.  This is the most thoroughly WTF ad we’ve seen since a strange Minnesota man stepped out of a lake holding a coffee cup. But at least that one didn’t end with a sudden piercing scream. Why are the atheists beating Amy for being a Christian? Will this ad truly “end the war on Christmas” as the producer hopes? Will someone please wash the jam/makeup off Amy’s face? Read more on The War On Christmas Just Got Surreal With This Screaming Nightmare Fuel Ad (Updated)…
  kneel before zod

New Ms. Marvel Is A Muslim Teen Girl From Jersey City. Can America Handle A New Jersey Superhero?

Marvel, the comics company that has built its franchise on superheroes with human problems — like Peter Parker’s lonesome quest to find something good on TV — will build a new comic book around a 16-year-old Pakistani-American girl named Kamala Khan, who has to balance superheroics with being a high school student and a first-generation daughter of Muslim immigrants who’d prefer she concentrate on getting into a good college instead of messing around with mutant supervillains. A big fan of Carol Danvers, the current Captain Marvel — the Marvel Captain Marvel, not the DC Captain Marvel, who everybody except Comic Book Guy just calls “Shazam” anyway — Kamala takes Danvers’ previous nom de spandex, Ms. Marvel, after she discovers her mutant superpower, the ability to morph her body. Which explains the big weird fist in the promo art, although nobody’s explained that porcupine with the Hulk Hands. Unless the critter is a mutant as well, we assume this means that characters in Marvel comics can buy licensed Marvel merch, too, though the royalties probably go to S.H.I.E.L.D. Read more on New Ms. Marvel Is A Muslim Teen Girl From Jersey City. Can America Handle A New Jersey Superhero?…
  minnetonka sewer commission race too close to call

Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff

Election 2013 is all over but the shouting, which is mostly Chris Christie’s job anyway, so let’s review: New Jersey: Christie reelected, and a bunch of other people won elections, too. Have you heard of any of them? Neither have we. Should we care? We have a nagging feeling that we probably should. Virginia: Not sure we can say the good guys won, but the terrible guys lost, hooray! New York City: Bill DeBlasio wins Mayor, possibly because novelist Jonathan Franzen voted for him. (Really, WSJ? You led with that?) Detroit: White dude wins job with no power; Sean Hannity will find a way to make that Obama’s fault. Boise: Bond elections fail, fire department will not build new training facility. Read more on Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff…
  share and enjoy

Despite ‘Don’t Panic’ Cufflinks, Chris Christie Has No Idea Where His Towel Is

Chris Christie was spotted today by CNN’s Jake Tapper and photographer Eric Marrapodi wearing cufflinks imprinted with “Don’t Panic,” the signature slogan from Douglas Adams’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. However, one should not necessarily assume from this that the New Jersey Governor is a hoopy frood or that he has the slightest idea what to do with a pan-galactic gargleblaster. See our shocking photographic evidence after the jump! Read more on Despite ‘Don’t Panic’ Cufflinks, Chris Christie Has No Idea Where His Towel Is…