Tag Archives: New Jersey

  a candidate for shouty-americans everywhere

Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good

Siddown. Shaddup.
Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016. There are so many reasons why Christie is likely undertaking this utterly doomed effort: ego, pride, galactically outsized ambition, the fact that everyone in his state hates him so much he might as well spend even less time there than he already does. Yr Wonkette couldn’t make it to this announcement in person like last time, but we could commandeer the TV in our brother’s living room to watch and write a live-blog. Read more on Chris Christie Announces Presidential Campaign By Yelling At America For Its Own Good…
  65% of new jersey voters can't be wrong

New Jersey Loves Chris Christie Too Much To Share Him With America

America needs him.
According to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, there is just not enough of him to go around, and New Jersey residents would be very upset and jealous if he betrayed them by running for president of U.S. America. In an interview with Fox News lady Megyn Kelly, Christie said that the little fact that 65 percent of New Jersey voters think he would be a bad president is of absolutely no consequence. Because, you see, New Jersey voters are just lying, because they would be far too upset if he left them to be the governor of all the Americas: Read more on New Jersey Loves Chris Christie Too Much To Share Him With America…
  Farwell To The Keystone Kops Panzer Division

Mean Obama Won’t Let Cops Play With All Their Badass Military Toys

First they came for that camo, and I said nothing...
Just like some mean federal consumer agency taking away all the lawn darts, Killjoy-In-Chief Barack Obama has ended the practice of sending high-end surplus military equipment to local police departments, which is going to put a real damper on the Mayberry P.D.’s plans for an armored assault on Miss Jennifer and Miss Clarabelle’s still. The restrictions were recommended by a task force Obama created in January, which determined that police departments didn’t really need certain types of military-grade equipment, such as “tracked armored vehicles, the highest-caliber firearms and ammunition, and camouflage uniforms.” Read more on Mean Obama Won’t Let Cops Play With All Their Badass Military Toys…
  So THAT'S where that money went

Chris Christie Eated All The Snacks

And I'll take 115 of those beers
Chris Christie is your average, regular guy — why, he’s not even rich, only worth a mere $5 million or so — who just happens to enjoy the perks and privileges that come with being governor of New Jersey. Like having a state police helicopter to haul his ass to his kid’s baseball games, and then a car to further haul his ass 100 yards across the baseball field. Also? Snack foods. Lots of snack foods: Read more on Chris Christie Eated All The Snacks…
  The Poor Little Rich Governor

Poor Chris Christie Is Not A Rich Man. He’s Barely A Five-Millionaire!

And I'll take 115 of those beers
So here’s a nice little thinky piece on income disparities and how the merely wealthy see themselves as not especially rich, particularly not when compared to their obscenely wealthy friends. It takes as its focus New Jersey Gov. Christie, whose family income came to a mere $698,838 in 2013 ($160,054 from his job as governor, and $475,854 from his wife’s income at an investment bank), according to his taxes. And yet, even though that’s definitely enough to put him into the top 1 percent of earners, Chris Christie doesn’t feel rich, as he explained in New Hampshire Friday. Read more on Poor Chris Christie Is Not A Rich Man. He’s Barely A Five-Millionaire!…
  Won't somebody think of the racists?

Deli Owner: No One Liked My White History Month Celebration, Please Send Bigot Bucks Now!

Hello, it is your Wonkette, and we are here to report to you that this whole “I’m a bigot, give me all the cash on GoFundMe” thing is no longer a random occurrence, nor is it a pattern, it’s a damned INDUSTRY. Meet your new grifter, Jim Boggess of Flemington, New Jersey! What act of bigotry and subsequent backlash has beset poor Jim? Oh, just that he put a sign in the window of his establishment, Jimbo’s Deli, asking people to celebrate their “white heritage” for the month of March. Apparently Boggess never got the memo that ALL THE MONTHS are White History Month, including the one where Americans perfunctorily make note of famous black Americans through history. Read more on Deli Owner: No One Liked My White History Month Celebration, Please Send Bigot Bucks Now!…
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. Read more on New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey…
  The Thin Blue Lyin'

BREAKING: Cop Actually Stopped Other Cops From Beating Guy Up! (Then Got Fired.)

Why would you ever want to stop a good beatdown?
It took a couple of years, but there’s finally been a bit of justice done in Bogota, New Jersey, where a judge has ordered the police department to reinstate, with back pay, Regina Tasca, a genuinely good cop who was fired in 2012 after stopping two fellow officers, who were fellows, from beating the living crap out of a mentally ill man who only needed to be taken to a hospital. Instead of getting a commendation for excellence in serving the community, Tasca was suspended and ultimately fired for being “psychologically unfit.” Here’s what happened back in 2012: Read more on BREAKING: Cop Actually Stopped Other Cops From Beating Guy Up! (Then Got Fired.)…
  Misty Watercolored Memories Of The Way We War

Brian Williams Takes Break From Nightly News, Will Try To Remember Not To Show Up Anyway

Williams definitely remembers that trench coat
After apologizing for saying he’d been aboard a helicopter that was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade in 2003, Brian Williams announced this weekend that he is taking himself off the NBC Nightly News for several days because “it has become painfully apparent to me that I am presently too much a part of the news, due to my actions.” Yes, maybe just a little. Our favorite part of the whole brouhaha is seeing Williams called an outrageous liar by rightwing blogs that have spent years insisting Barack Obama is a probably-Muslim illegal alien who instituted a socialist government takeover of health care that includes death panels. The real question, of course, is whether it was Brian Williams who gave the stand-down order in Benghazi. Read more on Brian Williams Takes Break From Nightly News, Will Try To Remember Not To Show Up Anyway…
  Who Would Jesus Punch?

Pastor Remembers That Time He Punched Jesus Right Into A Kid

We all have our right cross to bear
Pastor Eric Dammann has an inspirational story about the time he punched a smart-aleck kid right in the chest, bringing him to the Lord. You know, like when Jesus said, “Let your left hand not know what your right hook is doing.” Read more on Pastor Remembers That Time He Punched Jesus Right Into A Kid…
  Homophobia in the first degree

New Jersey To Consider Not Letting You Murder Someone Because You Were Scared Of Their Gay

They're coming right for him!
Hey, you know what seems like a real bad defense for killing people? Being afraid of their gay. While it’s not the most commonly invoked “self-defense” — certainly not as common as “I had to kill that unarmed black teenager because I was afraid of his black,” for example — it has been used more than zero times, which is more than zero times too many. Read more on New Jersey To Consider Not Letting You Murder Someone Because You Were Scared Of Their Gay…
  Time to start offending people who don't live in Iowa

Chris Christie Throws New Jersey Lady-Pigs Under 2016 Campaign Bus

Christie smash
Photo by Beth Ethier Chris Christie is a master of pre-presidential innovation. Having spent the 2014 midterm season hitting key states to campaign for Republican candidates, Christie has moved on to a bold new tactic: inviting Iowans to decide which laws are best for New Jersey where he is, at least nominally, still governor. Read more on Chris Christie Throws New Jersey Lady-Pigs Under 2016 Campaign Bus…
  Shut up today shut up tomorrow shut up forever!

Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
Lovable cuddly soft-spoken goofball Gov. Chris Christie (R-Joisey) appeared on the “Today Show” to vow that he will never give up, never surrender, when it comes to being a raging screamaholic jerk-faced jerk. Read more on Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick…
  Get Christie Loathe!

Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding

Oh, PLEASE run for president. Your nation's comedy bloggers need you.
Ugly bag of mostly bile Chris Christie did some brave yelling at a guy during an appearance in Belmar, New Jersey, to mark the second anniversary of Hurricane Sandy on Wednesday. Where sometimes your Barry Bamz politely says he respects protesters’ rights to free speech (usually before they get escorted out), Chris Christie knows that anyone challenging him is just plain wrong. So he yelled a few choice insults at one guy who dared to challenge him. Read more on Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding…
  Infectious Unease Vectors

Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola

How odd that a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders isn't a Republican
Since Barack Obama stubbornly insists on listening to public health experts instead of Fox News, it’s become quite clear that wingnuts’ favored non-solution, a ban on travel from West Africa, isn’t going to happen. Happily, a few governors figured out that even if they can’t ban travel, they can impose a quarantine order on people who have been in West Africa, so now it’s time to scoop up people with no Ebola symptoms and isolate them all for 21 days. Read more on Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  senioritis

Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose

Image via YouTube With a little over a week to go before Election Day, Scott Walker is increasingly a man in need of a helping hand. His once-certain re-election as King of Wisconsin has taken up residence in every pollster’s “no idea, don’t ask us” box, the U.S. Supreme Court cruelly dashed his hopes of excluding thousands of largely Democratic voters from the polls, a new batch of documents just dropped from the investigation that’s taken down a half-dozen of his underlings and cronies, and his opponent Mary Burke has been landing punches (with ads) and drawing big crowds with visits from a string of Democratic superstars. Read more on Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose…
  born to run

Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents

This fucking guy
Human meatball Chris Christie, governor of the Turnpike Exit State, is gearing up for his inevitable presidential run in 2016. Which means giving America a glimpse of that fabulously warm personality type that once made Tony Soprano the most popular murdering sociopath in America. Read more on Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
“So Todd just comes beepin’ up — be-boppin’ on up stairs, right? Um…interrupted me a little bit…and he says, ‘Hey, Sarah, there’s these two really nice guys from New Jersey, they’re in the dri–.’ C’mere, Todd!” Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla…
  clipbait

Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You

Chris Christie, communist who would save New Jersey if he would allow price gouging
Just because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R-Bridgegate) makes Bruce Springsteen sick to his stomach because Christie stands for everything The Boss stands against is no reason why The Boss doesn’t want Christie pretending they are total besties. Take that, silly lady who thinks otherwise: Read more on Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…