Tag Archives: New Jersey

  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. Read more on New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey…
  The Thin Blue Lyin'

BREAKING: Cop Actually Stopped Other Cops From Beating Guy Up! (Then Got Fired.)

Why would you ever want to stop a good beatdown?
It took a couple of years, but there’s finally been a bit of justice done in Bogota, New Jersey, where a judge has ordered the police department to reinstate, with back pay, Regina Tasca, a genuinely good cop who was fired in 2012 after stopping two fellow officers, who were fellows, from beating the living crap out of a mentally ill man who only needed to be taken to a hospital. Instead of getting a commendation for excellence in serving the community, Tasca was suspended and ultimately fired for being “psychologically unfit.” Here’s what happened back in 2012: Read more on BREAKING: Cop Actually Stopped Other Cops From Beating Guy Up! (Then Got Fired.)…
  Misty Watercolored Memories Of The Way We War

Brian Williams Takes Break From Nightly News, Will Try To Remember Not To Show Up Anyway

Williams definitely remembers that trench coat
After apologizing for saying he’d been aboard a helicopter that was hit by a rocket-propelled grenade in 2003, Brian Williams announced this weekend that he is taking himself off the NBC Nightly News for several days because “it has become painfully apparent to me that I am presently too much a part of the news, due to my actions.” Yes, maybe just a little. Our favorite part of the whole brouhaha is seeing Williams called an outrageous liar by rightwing blogs that have spent years insisting Barack Obama is a probably-Muslim illegal alien who instituted a socialist government takeover of health care that includes death panels. The real question, of course, is whether it was Brian Williams who gave the stand-down order in Benghazi. Read more on Brian Williams Takes Break From Nightly News, Will Try To Remember Not To Show Up Anyway…
  Who Would Jesus Punch?

Pastor Remembers That Time He Punched Jesus Right Into A Kid

We all have our right cross to bear
Pastor Eric Dammann has an inspirational story about the time he punched a smart-aleck kid right in the chest, bringing him to the Lord. You know, like when Jesus said, “Let your left hand not know what your right hook is doing.” Read more on Pastor Remembers That Time He Punched Jesus Right Into A Kid…
  Homophobia in the first degree

New Jersey To Consider Not Letting You Murder Someone Because You Were Scared Of Their Gay

They're coming right for him!
Hey, you know what seems like a real bad defense for killing people? Being afraid of their gay. While it’s not the most commonly invoked “self-defense” — certainly not as common as “I had to kill that unarmed black teenager because I was afraid of his black,” for example — it has been used more than zero times, which is more than zero times too many. Read more on New Jersey To Consider Not Letting You Murder Someone Because You Were Scared Of Their Gay…
  Time to start offending people who don't live in Iowa

Chris Christie Throws New Jersey Lady-Pigs Under 2016 Campaign Bus

Christie smash
Photo by Beth Ethier Chris Christie is a master of pre-presidential innovation. Having spent the 2014 midterm season hitting key states to campaign for Republican candidates, Christie has moved on to a bold new tactic: inviting Iowans to decide which laws are best for New Jersey where he is, at least nominally, still governor. Read more on Chris Christie Throws New Jersey Lady-Pigs Under 2016 Campaign Bus…
  Shut up today shut up tomorrow shut up forever!

Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
Lovable cuddly soft-spoken goofball Gov. Chris Christie (R-Joisey) appeared on the “Today Show” to vow that he will never give up, never surrender, when it comes to being a raging screamaholic jerk-faced jerk. Read more on Chris Christie Promises He Will Never Stop Being A Dick…
  Get Christie Loathe!

Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding

Oh, PLEASE run for president. Your nation's comedy bloggers need you.
Ugly bag of mostly bile Chris Christie did some brave yelling at a guy during an appearance in Belmar, New Jersey, to mark the second anniversary of Hurricane Sandy on Wednesday. Where sometimes your Barry Bamz politely says he respects protesters’ rights to free speech (usually before they get escorted out), Chris Christie knows that anyone challenging him is just plain wrong. So he yelled a few choice insults at one guy who dared to challenge him. Read more on Chris Christie Has Civil Conversation With Citizen, Just Kidding…
  Infectious Unease Vectors

Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola

How odd that a volunteer for Doctors Without Borders isn't a Republican
Since Barack Obama stubbornly insists on listening to public health experts instead of Fox News, it’s become quite clear that wingnuts’ favored non-solution, a ban on travel from West Africa, isn’t going to happen. Happily, a few governors figured out that even if they can’t ban travel, they can impose a quarantine order on people who have been in West Africa, so now it’s time to scoop up people with no Ebola symptoms and isolate them all for 21 days. Read more on Left-Wing Nurse Knows Too Much About Ebola To Have Opinions About Ebola…
  Nuke The Healthcare Workers From Orbit. It's The Only Way To Be Sure

Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her

Thank goodness you can't get Ebola from spittle
With no teachers immediately available to yell at, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has taken up yelling at nurses, we guess. In the latest twist on Chris Christie’s War On Health Care Workers Who Volunteer To Fight Deadly Diseases, the New Jersey Department of Health announced this morning that Kaci Hickox, a still-healthy nurse who returned to the U.S. and was clapped in irons for her own good Friday night, would be allowed to return home to Maine: Read more on Chris Christie Wants To Play Doctor With Nurse Lady, Mostly By Yelling At Her…
  senioritis

Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose

Image via YouTube With a little over a week to go before Election Day, Scott Walker is increasingly a man in need of a helping hand. His once-certain re-election as King of Wisconsin has taken up residence in every pollster’s “no idea, don’t ask us” box, the U.S. Supreme Court cruelly dashed his hopes of excluding thousands of largely Democratic voters from the polls, a new batch of documents just dropped from the investigation that’s taken down a half-dozen of his underlings and cronies, and his opponent Mary Burke has been landing punches (with ads) and drawing big crowds with visits from a string of Democratic superstars. Read more on Scott Walker Gets Some Chris Christie All Over Him, On Purpose…
  born to run

Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents

This fucking guy
Human meatball Chris Christie, governor of the Turnpike Exit State, is gearing up for his inevitable presidential run in 2016. Which means giving America a glimpse of that fabulously warm personality type that once made Tony Soprano the most popular murdering sociopath in America. Read more on Chris Christie Will Win Presidency With New Jersey Charm And Probably Whacking His Opponents…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
“So Todd just comes beepin’ up — be-boppin’ on up stairs, right? Um…interrupted me a little bit…and he says, ‘Hey, Sarah, there’s these two really nice guys from New Jersey, they’re in the dri–.’ C’mere, Todd!” Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Two Jews Walk Into Wasilla…
  clipbait

Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You

Chris Christie, communist who would save New Jersey if he would allow price gouging
Just because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R-Bridgegate) makes Bruce Springsteen sick to his stomach because Christie stands for everything The Boss stands against is no reason why The Boss doesn’t want Christie pretending they are total besties. Take that, silly lady who thinks otherwise: Read more on Chris Christie Will Fight Some Dumb Lady About Bruce Springsteen, Boss Of You…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…
  where at least i know i'm free

Responsible Gun Owner Kills Nephew With ‘Unloaded’ Gun While Showing Off Laser Sight

In yet another tale of Responsible Gun Owners who were perfectly law-abiding citizens who practiced excellent firearms safety right up until they didn’t, a 34-year-old New Jersey Pennsylvania* man shot his 11-year-old nephew to death over the weekend while demonstrating the cool red dot the laser sight made on the kid’s forehead. We’re guessing he may be having some second thoughts about how secure his home is now. Read more on Responsible Gun Owner Kills Nephew With ‘Unloaded’ Gun While Showing Off Laser Sight…
  yes we cannabis

New Jersey Airs Network TV Commercial For Jazz-Cigarette Medicine, World Maybe Does Not End?

Good job on this ad, Medical Cannabis Network! It is actually funny! Reader, watch it! If you can’t, here is the SPOILER: We join a swarthy fellow with an Orson Welles mustache who is trying to sell us some black market sushi, and being real shady about it, like “Yo. You want sushi? I got sushi.” Then a woman says “You wouldn’t buy your sushi from this guy,” and you are like “Finally! A safe and confidential means of obtaining sushi!” But you have been fooled because there is a TWIST: The sushi is a metaphor for your filthy cannabis weeds! Read more on New Jersey Airs Network TV Commercial For Jazz-Cigarette Medicine, World Maybe Does Not End?…
  today in terrible teens

Entitled Monster Files Lawsuit To Get Daddy To Pay For College Even Though She Is 18, Is Literally The Worst

Sometimes we like to check in on what entitled little monster teenagers are up to, and oh dear lord this is the best rotten teenager ever until we find a worse one. Let’s go read about Rachel Canning, who is suing her parents to try to force them to pay for her college tuition. All together now: SHE SEEMS NICE. Read more on Entitled Monster Files Lawsuit To Get Daddy To Pay For College Even Though She Is 18, Is Literally The Worst…
  debt comes for the archbishop

New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors

So here is a fine kettle of Ichthys — as we mentioned a couple weeks back, John J. Myers, the Archbishop of Newark — which is a pretty fun title to say, we’ll admit — is building himself a new wing on the Barbie’s Dream Bishop Retirement Home, to the tune of half a million dollars. This is not going over especially well with parishioners, who are less than thrilled that Myers’s 4500-square-foot residence is getting a brand new wing at a time when the archdiocese has had to close schools because of budget shortfalls, and for that matter, after New Pope’s call for priests to drive boring cars and knock it off already with the luxurious manses. And so, when the “Archbishop’s Annual Appeal” envelopes were handed out last month, a lot of cheesed-off Catholics have been sending the Archbishop a message, loud and clear, in the form of empty contribution envelopes, to which we say, way to go, pissed-off parishioners who aren’t going to give one more cent for this foolishness. Except for the part that kind of sucks, which is that the costs of the new additions to Meyers’s residence came from the sale of other property, so withholding contributions won’t slow down the construction by so much as a nail. It’s almost as if the archdiocese carefully planned the building project to insulate it from pissed-off parishioners, isn’t it? Read more on New Jersey Parishioners Will Teach Bling Bishop A Lesson By Slapping Poors…
  morning boehner

John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick

You know what a fate worse than death would be? Paying the fry cook at your local McBurgerQueen slightly more than the shitty wage she is earning today. Weeper of the House John Boehner would rather kill himself than see hardworking Americans be able to earn a living wage. Per The Hill: Speaker John Boehner is so against raising the minimum wage that he once said he would rather commit suicide than vote for a “clean” increase. Okay, so “once” was in 1996, but we haven’t heard that he’s taken his head out of the oven this time around. And we kind of agree. No, not with killing himself because WE VALUE ALL HUMAN LIFE HERE. (Wonkers, no ideating on his death — or dismemberment — in the comments, thank you.) But because who would want to live in a world where someone working two part-time jobs is able to afford food for their ENTIRE family?!? *Shudder* Oh, did we mention that Boehner just bought an $835k vacation home in Florida? Haha, fuck you poor people.  Read more on John Boehner Would Rather Kill Himself Than Raise Minimum Wage Because He Is A Dick…
  let's bash this bishop

Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?

Hey, remember the story about the German “Bling Bishop” who got suspended after everybody was outraged by the $55 million cost of renovating his personal residence? Right here in U.S. America, we seem to have our own version of an archbishop who’s a little like that, too, though on a smaller scale. Take a look at this New York Times story about John J. Myers, the archbishop of the Archdiocese of Newark, New Jersey, who’s also getting some home improvements done. Now, it’s not exactly on the scale of the German bishop’s palace — it’s a 3000-square-foot addition to a vacation home that Myers will retire to in two years, not a restoration of an 800-year-old building, and there’s definitely nothing to compare to the German place’s $20,000 bathtub. In fact, it’s almost a bargain at only half a million dollars, which would barely cover the cost of the German residence’s solid gold hamster cages (don’t ask). Read more on Could New Pope Please Cancel This American Remake Of ‘Bling Bishop’?…
  At This Rate We May Never Forget

Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11

Last night, Malcolm Smith of the Colorado Seabirds won the Super-Ball Much Vaunted Person Certificate for his outstanding achievements in hitting, catching, and running. This gave Malcolm Smith something that somebody else wanted. The something was a microphone, and the somebody else was Matthew Mills, an “independent” “journalist” from Brooklyn, NY. As real journalists gathered around Smith to ask him questions about his mood, Mills saw his chance. He grabbed the microphone from Smith like a sportsball man doing a sweet move, and managed to say “Investigate 9/11; 9/11 was perpetrated by people within our own government” before not saying that anymore and something else happening. It looks like he darted away after a confused man touched him, but someone must have roughed him up at some point, right? Today, we are all never forgetting. Read more on Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11…