Tag: new hampshire

Stories Of Customers Who Ate Things They Really Weren’t Supposed To

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. This week, we've got more stories of customers who ate the weirdest stuff possible. As always, these are real...
Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...

Deleted Comments: Teen Savant Tells Insane Libtarted Communists, ‘YOUR SICKOS!’

Our Deleted Comments cup fairly runneth over with Derp this week, largely thanks to the efforts of one particularly verbose moron who figured out that once his account was banhammered, he could create a new one. SO CLEVER. All...

Fox News Invades PBS Debate, Begs Democrats To Drown Big Government In Bathtub

In between desperately begging for money and plugging its report on the ancient art of Albanian Weevil Calligraphy, PBS took some time out of its busy debate schedule Thursday night to ask both candidates the question Democratic primary voters surely care about...

Ben Carson Vows To Continue Winning Streak In South Carolina Primary

Oh, to have the utter confidence of Ben Carson. This is a confidence that surpasseth understanding. It is a confidence completely unrelated to any external indicators. In short, it is a confidence completely divorced from reality. You may remember...

Chris Christie Tells Himself To Sit Down And Shut Up

Remember when New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was going to bully his way to the White House with his stellar platform, "It's time to start offending people"? Boy did that get shut down faster than you can say "George...

Jeb Bush So Grateful He Won New Hampshire, If You Don’t Count Everyone Else

Here is Jeb Bush on Tuesday night, thanking the voters for his stunning victory in New Hampshire: We need -- we need a president with a steady hand, with a proven record. Who has a servant's heart. Who doesn't believe...

New Hampshire Really, REALLY Loves That Racist Jerkhole Donald Trump

Donald Trump finally redeemed himself after his humiliating weak-baby L-O-S-E-R loser defeat in corn mazes of Iowa last week, by winning the holy OMG hot dayum bejesus out of the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night. He whoop-assed the eleventeen other Republican...
That IS his smile!

Here Is Your Bernie Sanders New Hampshire Victory-Palooza Speech, For You To Fap To

Big news out of New Hampshire, like they rarely say! With 92 percent (and updating!) of precincts reporting, Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary by a 60-38 margin to become America's first Jewish president of...

Liveblogging The Epic Battle For Better Than Last Place In New Hampshire Primary

Hello New Hampshire! Y'all done voting early and often for the guy or the other guy or the lady guy or the other lady guy or that punchy-faced pouty-assed Canadian? Oh, probably not him. Cool. We cannot wait to find out which...
Yeah, HE'S the idiot

Obama Refuses To Say How He Rigged New Hampshire Primary

Oooh, that devilish Obama! New Hampshiritiantonians are holding their FIRST!!!!1! in the nation primary right now -- like, right now now -- and the president refuses to tell the American people The Truth about just how he and his jackbooted New Black Panther ACORN...

Ben Carson Graciously Agrees To Hot Date With Ted Cruz For Make-Up Sex

Everyone knows the best part of having a lovers' quarrel is the making up. Whether the tiff is about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, or why Ted Cruz is a lying cheating sleazebag som'bitch who stole the Iowa...
Caramba!

NH Primary Down To Donald Trump’s Watermelon-Sized Balls, Ted Cruz’s Vagina

In Manchester, New Hampshire, Monday night, Donald Trump continued an unbroken string of getting away with crap that would have sunk any other campaign in history, enthusiastically repeating a supporter's shout that Ted Cruz is a pussy for hesitating...
Mayor Bloomberg

Batrillionaire Michael Bloomberg Might Like To Buy New House That Is White

You've probably been wondering if former mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg has found himself a new gig yet. Which is really stupid of you, because he has so many dozens of billions of dollars, he could buy and sell...

Jeb Mad, Bro

Jeb Bush is mad about a thing. Whatcha mad about this time, J.E.B. Jeb? The usual? Yep: He’s angry at Marco Rubio, thoroughly disgusted with Donald Trump, aggravated with the grubby, profane, uncivil tone of the Republican primary — and,...
Never should have installed that Romney2012 emulator

Marco Rubio Will Pay You To Make Fun Of Him Forever And Ever

You may have missed it in all the excitement over that thrilling sportsball contest where the team with the one bunch of guys beat the team with the other bunch of guys, and there were lots of poop commercials,...

Fine, Here Is Your Bernie Sanders On SNL Already. Are You People Happy Now?

As everyone knows, there are two objectives for any political candidate appearing on Saturday Night Live: Get your face on SNL, and do it without embarrassing yourself too badly. And don't even try to match the performance of Jesse...