Tag: new hampshire

Chris Christie Tells Himself To Sit Down And Shut Up

Remember when New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was going to bully his way to the White House with his stellar platform, "It's time to start offending people"? Boy did that get shut down faster than you can say "George...

Jeb Bush So Grateful He Won New Hampshire, If You Don’t Count Everyone Else

Here is Jeb Bush on Tuesday night, thanking the voters for his stunning victory in New Hampshire: We need -- we need a president with a steady hand, with a proven record. Who has a servant's heart. Who doesn't believe...

New Hampshire Really, REALLY Loves That Racist Jerkhole Donald Trump

Donald Trump finally redeemed himself after his humiliating weak-baby L-O-S-E-R loser defeat in corn mazes of Iowa last week, by winning the holy OMG hot dayum bejesus out of the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night. He whoop-assed the eleventeen other Republican...
That IS his smile!

Here Is Your Bernie Sanders New Hampshire Victory-Palooza Speech, For You To Fap To

Big news out of New Hampshire, like they rarely say! With 92 percent (and updating!) of precincts reporting, Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary by a 60-38 margin to become America's first Jewish president of...

Liveblogging The Epic Battle For Better Than Last Place In New Hampshire Primary

Hello New Hampshire! Y'all done voting early and often for the guy or the other guy or the lady guy or the other lady guy or that punchy-faced pouty-assed Canadian? Oh, probably not him. Cool. We cannot wait to find out which...
Yeah, HE'S the idiot

Obama Refuses To Say How He Rigged New Hampshire Primary

Oooh, that devilish Obama! New Hampshiritiantonians are holding their FIRST!!!!1! in the nation primary right now -- like, right now now -- and the president refuses to tell the American people The Truth about just how he and his jackbooted New Black Panther ACORN...

Ben Carson Graciously Agrees To Hot Date With Ted Cruz For Make-Up Sex

Everyone knows the best part of having a lovers' quarrel is the making up. Whether the tiff is about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, or why Ted Cruz is a lying cheating sleazebag som'bitch who stole the Iowa...
Caramba!

NH Primary Down To Donald Trump’s Watermelon-Sized Balls, Ted Cruz’s Vagina

In Manchester, New Hampshire, Monday night, Donald Trump continued an unbroken string of getting away with crap that would have sunk any other campaign in history, enthusiastically repeating a supporter's shout that Ted Cruz is a pussy for hesitating...
Mayor Bloomberg

Batrillionaire Michael Bloomberg Might Like To Buy New House That Is White

You've probably been wondering if former mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg has found himself a new gig yet. Which is really stupid of you, because he has so many dozens of billions of dollars, he could buy and sell...

Jeb Mad, Bro

Jeb Bush is mad about a thing. Whatcha mad about this time, J.E.B. Jeb? The usual? Yep: He’s angry at Marco Rubio, thoroughly disgusted with Donald Trump, aggravated with the grubby, profane, uncivil tone of the Republican primary — and,...
Never should have installed that Romney2012 emulator

Marco Rubio Will Pay You To Make Fun Of Him Forever And Ever

You may have missed it in all the excitement over that thrilling sportsball contest where the team with the one bunch of guys beat the team with the other bunch of guys, and there were lots of poop commercials,...

Fine, Here Is Your Bernie Sanders On SNL Already. Are You People Happy Now?

As everyone knows, there are two objectives for any political candidate appearing on Saturday Night Live: Get your face on SNL, and do it without embarrassing yourself too badly. And don't even try to match the performance of Jesse...
Oh Jeb. What did she do to you?

Jeb Bush LOLs About How His Mom Used To Beat Him

What up, Jeb? Besides losing for president and trying to win supporters who will never come, because you are so pathetic? Oh, we see, you're kiddin' around at a "campaign event" about how terrible and horrible your mother Barbara...
That's you right now.

Do Not Be A Dummy And Forget How We Are Liveblogging Tonight’s Democratic Debate

What's shakin', DUMMIES? Just sittin' around, bein' DUMMIES? Just fooling, you are not so dumb after all. Because obviously (OBVIOUSLY) you are planning to meet us late this evening here at Ye Olde Wonkette News Tyme Webbe Page, as...
They ain't smilin' no more.

Let’s Watch Hillary And Bernie Scrap Like Jilted Lovers. Your Democratic Debate Preview

Good morning, Wonkers! Did you watch the super exciting whoa-gazi jam session CNN did with the Democratic candidates last night? Did it send a thrill up your leg and leave a wet spot on your Down Theres? No? OK,...
I promise I'll be gentle

Jeb Bush Would Like Your Electoral Cherry, Young Man

After performing well below even his own pitifully low expectations in the Iowa caucuses and spending roughly $2,884 for every one of the pitifully few votes he won there, Jeb! Bush continued on to New Hampshire, where he headed...