Tag Archives: new hampshire

  You May Not Say He's A Dreamer

Jeb Bush Asks Media For Help Slurring Brown Babies

Might need changing, might just be gassy
Might need changing, might just be gassy Jeb! Bush continued a family tradition this week: say something stupid, then say something even MORE stupid in an attempt to explain the first stupid thing. Read more on Jeb Bush Asks Media For Help Slurring Brown Babies…
  People different from us

Alleged Prep School Rapist Only Did It Because There Was A School Sex Contest, Probably

What you're SUPPOSED to do in boarding school.
What you’re SUPPOSED to do in boarding school. Oh, to be back at boarding school! Mumsy and Popsy would seldom visit, and even then, only to meet with the headmaster about which one of our family names would christen the new Humanities building. And what fun we all had! Pulling pranks down by the old river bend, Spirit Week contests where we’d all dress up like cheerleaders, and best of all, the Senior Fucking Contest, where all the senior boys would engage in a mighty endurance competition to see who could do the most fucking to the underclassmen. Oh how St. Paul’s School in New Hampshire did prepare us for storied careers in finance, industry, government and WAIT A MINUTE, did we just type “Senior Fucking Contest”? Read more on Alleged Prep School Rapist Only Did It Because There Was A School Sex Contest, Probably…
  busted

Dr. Ben Carson Was Big Fan Of Using Baby Parts Back In His Doctorin’ Days

Dumb at doctoring.
Dumb at doctoring. OOH! OOH! BREAKING FETUS PARTS NEWS! You know how “pro-life” Ben Carson is running for president, but before that, he was the BEST doctor in all the land, and the first person ever to separate twins conjoined at the head? And know how Carson, as a doctor, recently offered his very medical opinion that not only is Planned Parenthood chopping up babies and auctioning them off on eBay (no it’s not), but it also does racist genocide to the blacks, racistly, because this one time Margaret Sanger, blah blah blah bullshit? Yes well, Dr. Jen Gunter, a ladyparts doctor-blogger who specializes in “wielding the lasso of truth,” uncovered a fun little nugget of information, which is that the very same Ben Carson not only did research on fetal tissue, but also wrote papers about it like he’s not even ashamed of it! Who’s the racist genociding Planned Parenthood baby parts secret shopper now, HUH? Read more on Dr. Ben Carson Was Big Fan Of Using Baby Parts Back In His Doctorin’ Days…
  Bern Noticed

Bernie Sanders Surging In New Hampshire Poll, So You Should Buy This Mug

Great Scott!
Bernie Sanders continues to be the under-the-radar, populist wild-haired guy from the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party, drawing enormous crowds (a record-stomping 28,000 in Portland, Oregon, on Sunday: 19,000 inside a sportsball arena, and the proverbial “over 9000” in an overflow area). He’s even ahead of Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire in a poll released Tuesday evening. The Franklin Pierce University/Boston Herald poll shows Sanders leading Clinton 44-37 percent among likely Democratic primary voters, which is the first time Bernie has actually outpolled Hillz in the Granite State. Read more on Bernie Sanders Surging In New Hampshire Poll, So You Should Buy This Mug…
  You know who doesn't love a parade? Hitlery!

Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect

Must be campaign season!
On Saturday some nice elderly grandmother managed to set off a media conniption fit by using a rope to keep reporters away from her while she marched in a New Hampshire Fourth of July parade. Of course the grandmother was Hillary Clinton and New Hampshire is the most important state in the Union, at least until next February when we can go back to just thinking of it as that really cold shithole that isn’t Vermont. Hence the conniption. Read more on Media That Writes About Hillary Clinton’s Shoes Demands She Show Them More Respect…
  Bernie Desire

Total Joke Bernie Sanders Draws Ten Thousand For Wisconsin Rally, LOL What A Joke

Screencaps of Bernie smiling are a bit difficult to find
Senator Bernie Sanders had a record crowd at a rally Wednesday in Madison, Wisconsin, drawing nearly 10,000 people to yet another packed event. It’s just the latest huge crowd for Sanders, who has been polling surprisingly well against Hillary Clinton in Iowa and in New Hampshire. We like Bernie so much that we’re even willing to put up with people yelling “Feel the Bern!” Maybe. We’re almost starting to think that all this Bernie enthusiasm is catching on — and for once, we’re looking forward to the Democratic primary debates. Read more on Total Joke Bernie Sanders Draws Ten Thousand For Wisconsin Rally, LOL What A Joke…
  Bwahahahahahahaha

Scott Brown Senator Of Bike Shop Now, LOL

You will be seduced.
Remember that loser Scott Brown? Man, we miss making fun of that guy — for being a Masshole, and then a “virtually born” there phony from New Hampshire, and also pimping his daughters, and partying with the pumpkin riot bros, and then hahahahahahaha getting his butt kicked by New Hampshire Lady Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, even though she’s just a dumb lady who doesn’t know what real people care about. (Not chick stuff. Obviously.) Read more on Scott Brown Senator Of Bike Shop Now, LOL…
  Don't Pass Don't Help

Senate Republicans Love All Veterans Except Gay Kind

Things were a lot more carefree in WW II
It’s great to know how much Republicans love The Troops, as long as The Troops are about to go blow some stuff up somewhere and keep the world safe for whatever it is we’re keeping safe this month. Once they get home, or if they’re not about to go blow anything up, well, then things get more complicated. Which is why Senate Republicans blocked an amendment to the 2016 National Defense Authorization Act that would have provided gay veterans’ spouses and families what’s already Defense Department policy for active duty service members: completely equal benefits regardless of their spouse’s gender. The amendment, offered by New Hampshire Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, was supported by all 45 Senate Democrats and eight Republicans, but the 53-42 vote fell short of the 60 votes needed to pass. Read more on Senate Republicans Love All Veterans Except Gay Kind…
  yes but does he eat arugula?

New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President

The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush’s turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can’t because he’s not a big fatso anymore, which means he won’t be able to relate to Trans Fat-Americans. You see, Jeb Bush has lost weight, because he has gone on the trendy Paleo diet, and also he does crunches or something: Read more on New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President…
  The MOST SHOCKING STORY You'll Read Today

Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!

Fun's over, fellas
In what could be the most shocking political sex scandal of the day, or at least the midafternoon lull, a top aide to Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-New Hampshire) has resigned after being caught in a disappointingly embarrassing, sad prostitution sting. There weren’t even any real prostitutes, for heaven’s sake! David Wihby, which is a really fun name to say, was Ayotte’s state director in New Hampshire and also a member and vice chair of the Manchester School board; he got caught this weekend in what sounds like the lamest sting operation ever: Read more on Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!…
  Another Casualty Of Causality

New Hampshire Rep. Just Asking: Does Medicaid Expansion Make You Shoot Heroin?

Does a large legislature bring more idiots into government?
Here’s some unconventional thinking from New Hampshire state Rep. Dan McGuire: maybe the reason that New Hampshire has so much heroin addiction is that Medicaid has been expanded in the state, and hence more people have access to addiction treatment. So maybe more people are getting hooked on heroin, knowing they can get treatment from Mama Welfare State. It’s nice to see that our state legislators are thinking about the unintended consequences of well-intentioned actions, isn’t it? Read more on New Hampshire Rep. Just Asking: Does Medicaid Expansion Make You Shoot Heroin?…
 

President Scott Walker Will Overwhelm ISIS With Sheer Weight Of His Flip Flops

flippin' ain't easy
Scott Walker, Wisconsin’s governor and yet another 2016 presidential hopeful, is once again groovin’ to the sweet sounds of the Immigration Metronome. According to the Wall Street Journal, while at a private dinner with a group of New Hampshire Republicans, Walker floated the possibility of a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. If this is really the case, it could be a pretty bold move for a Comic Sans candidate who, as recently as this month, is on the record against “amnesty” in any form. Read more on President Scott Walker Will Overwhelm ISIS With Sheer Weight Of His Flip Flops…
  Participatory Democracy Is For The Birds

New Hampshire Lege Tells Kids To Shove Their ‘State Raptor’ Bill Right Up Their Butts

What's a raptor gotta do to get a little respect around here?
In yet another instance of state lawmakers taking a perfectly nice idea proposed by some civic-minded kids and teaching them a wholly dispiriting lesson about how government really works, several members of the New Hampshire House went out of their way last Thursday to be personally dickish to a group of fourth graders who had written to their state representative to propose a bill. The kids had proposed that the red-tailed hawk be named the official State Raptor, and the bill initially made it through the Environment and Agriculture committee. But when the kids and their teacher, James Cutting, took a field trip Lincoln Akerman School in Hampton Falls to see their bill pass in the full House, they got a civics lesson they hadn’t expected. Read more on New Hampshire Lege Tells Kids To Shove Their ‘State Raptor’ Bill Right Up Their Butts…
  Still Better With Kids Than Cheney. The Screams Haunt Us To This Day

Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person

This is not the disco inferno we were looking for
Watch out, Wonkers, it may very well be Ted Cruz day at Yr Wonkette. No, come back! We’ll have kittens later, maybe. Old Bile and Backpfeifengesicht was doing a Town Hall thing in New Hampshire Sunday when he used a metaphor that was just a little scary to a small girl in the audience. We’re talking little child, being held by her mom. Read more on Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person…
  He'll be here all week ... unfortunately

President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)

What a jokester
Supposedly, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham would like to be president, at least of the rich white penis parts of America. Ha, just kidding, that was a joke! But he keeps telling “jokes” that don’t work out well for him — on account of how they are not funny and make him look like A Asshole — and then he has to be all, like, “Ha, just kidding, that was a joke!” One time, he even said he was sorry for making a “joke,” when he called Nancy Pelosi an ugly old over-surgeried hag. Ha. Ha. Ha. Read more on President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own

Yes, it's the same photo we used the first time. Get it?
Remember when Sarah Palin said Paul Revere embarked on his midnight ride in order to warn the British? Or when her teleprompter broke in Iowa, and the resulting word salad was so rancid that even the Daily Caller sent it back to the kitchen? Well, Sarah Palin doesn’t. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own…