Tag Archives: new hampshire

  Bernie Desire

Total Joke Bernie Sanders Draws Ten Thousand For Wisconsin Rally, LOL What A Joke

Screencaps of Bernie smiling are a bit difficult to find
Senator Bernie Sanders had a record crowd at a rally Wednesday in Madison, Wisconsin, drawing nearly 10,000 people to yet another packed event. It’s just the latest huge crowd for Sanders, who has been polling surprisingly well against Hillary Clinton in Iowa and in New Hampshire. We like Bernie so much that we’re even willing to put up with people yelling “Feel the Bern!” Maybe. We’re almost starting to think that all this Bernie enthusiasm is catching on — and for once, we’re looking forward to the Democratic primary debates. Read more on Total Joke Bernie Sanders Draws Ten Thousand For Wisconsin Rally, LOL What A Joke…
  Bwahahahahahahaha

Scott Brown Senator Of Bike Shop Now, LOL

We missed you, Cosmo centerfold picture
Remember that loser Scott Brown? Man, we miss making fun of that guy — for being a Masshole, and then a “virtually born” there phony from New Hampshire, and also pimping his daughters, and partying with the pumpkin riot bros, and then hahahahahahaha getting his butt kicked by New Hampshire Lady Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, even though she’s just a dumb lady who doesn’t know what real people care about. (Not chick stuff. Obviously.) Read more on Scott Brown Senator Of Bike Shop Now, LOL…
  Don't Pass Don't Help

Senate Republicans Love All Veterans Except Gay Kind

Things were a lot more carefree in WW II
It’s great to know how much Republicans love The Troops, as long as The Troops are about to go blow some stuff up somewhere and keep the world safe for whatever it is we’re keeping safe this month. Once they get home, or if they’re not about to go blow anything up, well, then things get more complicated. Which is why Senate Republicans blocked an amendment to the 2016 National Defense Authorization Act that would have provided gay veterans’ spouses and families what’s already Defense Department policy for active duty service members: completely equal benefits regardless of their spouse’s gender. The amendment, offered by New Hampshire Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, was supported by all 45 Senate Democrats and eight Republicans, but the 53-42 vote fell short of the 60 votes needed to pass. Read more on Senate Republicans Love All Veterans Except Gay Kind…
  yes but does he eat arugula?

New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President

The New York Times is such a lovable whackjob sometimes. They apparently are having all kinds of fun doing profiles of the GOP presidential candidates! Wednesday, we learned that smug prick Ted Cruz was also a smug prick when he was in college, and that he gets all defensive when you make jokes about him. Today, it is Jeb Bush’s turn. What jewels of knowledge does the Times have for us, about Jeb? Oh, just that he really wants to be president, but he can’t because he’s not a big fatso anymore, which means he won’t be able to relate to Trans Fat-Americans. You see, Jeb Bush has lost weight, because he has gone on the trendy Paleo diet, and also he does crunches or something: Read more on New York Times Very Concerned Jeb Bush Isn’t A Gross Enough Fatty To Be President…
  The MOST SHOCKING STORY You'll Read Today

Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!

Fun's over, fellas
In what could be the most shocking political sex scandal of the day, or at least the midafternoon lull, a top aide to Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-New Hampshire) has resigned after being caught in a disappointingly embarrassing, sad prostitution sting. There weren’t even any real prostitutes, for heaven’s sake! David Wihby, which is a really fun name to say, was Ayotte’s state director in New Hampshire and also a member and vice chair of the Manchester School board; he got caught this weekend in what sounds like the lamest sting operation ever: Read more on Top Staffer For Republican Senator Resigns In Ginormous Sexxytimes Scandal!…
  Another Casualty Of Causality

New Hampshire Rep. Just Asking: Does Medicaid Expansion Make You Shoot Heroin?

Does a large legislature bring more idiots into government?
Here’s some unconventional thinking from New Hampshire state Rep. Dan McGuire: maybe the reason that New Hampshire has so much heroin addiction is that Medicaid has been expanded in the state, and hence more people have access to addiction treatment. So maybe more people are getting hooked on heroin, knowing they can get treatment from Mama Welfare State. It’s nice to see that our state legislators are thinking about the unintended consequences of well-intentioned actions, isn’t it? Read more on New Hampshire Rep. Just Asking: Does Medicaid Expansion Make You Shoot Heroin?…
 

President Scott Walker Will Overwhelm ISIS With Sheer Weight Of His Flip Flops

flippin' ain't easy
Scott Walker, Wisconsin’s governor and yet another 2016 presidential hopeful, is once again groovin’ to the sweet sounds of the Immigration Metronome. According to the Wall Street Journal, while at a private dinner with a group of New Hampshire Republicans, Walker floated the possibility of a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. If this is really the case, it could be a pretty bold move for a Comic Sans candidate who, as recently as this month, is on the record against “amnesty” in any form. Read more on President Scott Walker Will Overwhelm ISIS With Sheer Weight Of His Flip Flops…
  Participatory Democracy Is For The Birds

New Hampshire Lege Tells Kids To Shove Their ‘State Raptor’ Bill Right Up Their Butts

What's a raptor gotta do to get a little respect around here?
In yet another instance of state lawmakers taking a perfectly nice idea proposed by some civic-minded kids and teaching them a wholly dispiriting lesson about how government really works, several members of the New Hampshire House went out of their way last Thursday to be personally dickish to a group of fourth graders who had written to their state representative to propose a bill. The kids had proposed that the red-tailed hawk be named the official State Raptor, and the bill initially made it through the Environment and Agriculture committee. But when the kids and their teacher, James Cutting, took a field trip Lincoln Akerman School in Hampton Falls to see their bill pass in the full House, they got a civics lesson they hadn’t expected. Read more on New Hampshire Lege Tells Kids To Shove Their ‘State Raptor’ Bill Right Up Their Butts…
  Still Better With Kids Than Cheney. The Screams Haunt Us To This Day

Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person

This is not the disco inferno we were looking for
Watch out, Wonkers, it may very well be Ted Cruz day at Yr Wonkette. No, come back! We’ll have kittens later, maybe. Old Bile and Backpfeifengesicht was doing a Town Hall thing in New Hampshire Sunday when he used a metaphor that was just a little scary to a small girl in the audience. We’re talking little child, being held by her mom. Read more on Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person…
  He'll be here all week ... unfortunately

President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)

What a jokester
Supposedly, South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham would like to be president, at least of the rich white penis parts of America. Ha, just kidding, that was a joke! But he keeps telling “jokes” that don’t work out well for him — on account of how they are not funny and make him look like A Asshole — and then he has to be all, like, “Ha, just kidding, that was a joke!” One time, he even said he was sorry for making a “joke,” when he called Nancy Pelosi an ugly old over-surgeried hag. Ha. Ha. Ha. Read more on President Lindsey Graham Will Literally Invade Congress, With An Army (But Not Literally)…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own

Yes, it's the same photo we used the first time. Get it?
Remember when Sarah Palin said Paul Revere embarked on his midnight ride in order to warn the British? Or when her teleprompter broke in Iowa, and the resulting word salad was so rancid that even the Daily Caller sent it back to the kitchen? Well, Sarah Palin doesn’t. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own…
  Have some more oops

Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again

You’d think, given the spectacular FAIL that was the presidential campaign of the now former but still indicted Texas governor, Rick Perry might want to reconsider another attempt at the White House. But nope! Yee haw, he is going to do this thing again, because he sure as heck didn’t buy those smart glasses for nothin’. Read more on Rick Perry Apparently Serious About Trying To Be President Again…
  there can be only one

Scott Walker Addresses People Of Iowa? New Hampshire? Wait. Wisconsin? Yeah, Wisconsin

Good evening, Des Moines!
It’s a new year, which means government executives all over the country are in the midst of self-congratulatory presentations of cherry-picked accomplishments and passive-aggressively reading lists of future demands. It’s mostly trite and zzzzzzzz but some of them are worth your attention. Well, our attention anyway. You should spend time with the people you love. Read more on Scott Walker Addresses People Of Iowa? New Hampshire? Wait. Wisconsin? Yeah, Wisconsin…
  hey everybody! we're all gonna get laid!

Scott Brown Down To Party, Get Elected Senator, Whatever, It’s Cool, Brah

Scott Brown is the bro-iest bro who ever bro-ed his way across multiple states in search of a Senate seat, and Benny Johnson, digital director at National Review whose job description also involves giving verbal handies to Scott Brown, has the scoop. Read more on Scott Brown Down To Party, Get Elected Senator, Whatever, It’s Cool, Brah…
  wave of mutilation

NH Republican Takes ‘Wave Election’ Metaphor A Bit Far, Wants To Drown Democrats

Metaphor? Why did you think Grover Norquist's 'government small enough to drown in a bathtub' was a metaphor?
Hey, remember that one time Barack Obama repeated a line from The Untouchables and wingnuts all freaked out about his violent thuggish rhetoric? In today’s Civility Update, we have real gem from New Hampshire GOP Chair Jennifer Horn, who got a Manchester audience fired up for Scott Brown with some particularly vivid rhetoric. It’s sort of half come-to-Jesus revival, half Al Capone giving a motivational speech with a baseball bat: Read more on NH Republican Takes ‘Wave Election’ Metaphor A Bit Far, Wants To Drown Democrats…
  It Could Happen

How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not

The first time I set eyes on Nate Silver, I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone him.
It looks like Republicans are probably going to control the Senate next year despite how people don’t like them, according to Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight blog and other respected nerds. In 2012, Silver famously predicted the winner of every Senate race, which was an impressive achievement for him but so boring for us. It was like finding your Christmas/”holiday” presents early. You’ll go through the motions of unwrapping your Regrets Her Abortion Barbie and Nature Despoiled II: The Warmening For Sega SexBox, but there’s no climax. The moment is flaccid; that is to say, unsuited to penetrating intercourse, never mind entertainment. Read more on How Every Endangered Senate Democrat Will Win In November, Because Why Not…
  smashing pumpkins

Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot

insert something
Journalists! They are always trying to smear their journa-poo on every last good thing, like Keene, New Hampshire’s, Pumpkin Fest, or Sarah Palin! Here we have one “Jared” “Goodell,” who’d broadcast live from the Pumpkin Fest for eight hours, because we guess there is not a lot else going on in Keene, New Hampshire. But for 20 minutes of those eight hours, he “reported” (AS IF) on the WHITE RIOT that was taking place just outside the Pumpkin Fest’s gates. This is why we can’t have nice things! Because when perfectly nice young white people smash stuff everywhere and overturn dumpsters and cars and rip street signs out of the ground, and there are injuries and dozens of arrests, ALL DAY, some “journalist” has to go “self-promote” himself, by mentioning it! Read more on Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot…
  An Orgy Of White-On-Orange Violence

It’s The Great Pumpkin Riot, Scott Brown

Now that he’s running for Senate in New Hampshire, former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown is totally A Guy From New Hampshire who would never miss the New Hampshirest of all possible events, the Pumpkin Festival in Keene. Even though this folksy college town was a powder keg of white rage just waiting to explode into pumpkin-splattered violence. While Scott was connecting with law-abiding harvest revelers, mobs of angry white youth wreaked havoc just around the corner. Read more on It’s The Great Pumpkin Riot, Scott Brown…
  bqhatevwr

Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President

Nope, wrong again
Roll your eyes with us, won’t you please, at the latest steaming pile of stupid from former Sen. Scott Brown (R-Whatever State Will Take Him): “Gosh can you imagine if Mitt was the president right now?” Brown said. “He was right on Russia, he was right on Obamacare, he was right on the economy. And I guarantee you we would not be worrying about Ebola right now and, you know, worrying about our foreign policy screw ups.” Gosh, Scott, we really can’t imagine that. Because Mitt can’t get himself elected president no matter how many time he tries. Hell, he can’t even get himself elected dogcatcher. In fact, he especially can’t get himself elected dogcatcher. Read more on Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President…
  How's that GOP outreach workin' for ya?

Ugly As Sin Republican Dude Finds N.H. Congresslady Not Hot Enough To Win Re-Election

This guy thinks someone else is ugly
It’s a good thing feminists have killed patriarchy forever, or else we might be subjected to hideously ugly men insisting that elections are only for hot chicks. Oh wait! New Hampshire state Rep. Steve Vaillancourt (R-OF COURSE) didn’t get that memo. He recently took to his blog to share his electoral insights on the House race in his states 2nd Congressional District between Republican Marilinda Garcia and Democratic incumbent Ann McLane Kuster. Read more on Ugly As Sin Republican Dude Finds N.H. Congresslady Not Hot Enough To Win Re-Election…