Wonkette

Did you have some sort of plans Tuesday night? Were you crushed by the Terrorist Ice Strom? Well here’s some of what your Wonkette cooked up for you during our nation’s only Maryland-Virginia-DC primary: MORE »

According to Shepard Smith, terrible ice-traffic problems exclusively targeted John McCain voters in Maryland on Tuesday night. Never has such horror been visited upon America since September 11, 2001. Thank god Shep was there to talk us through it all. [FOX News]

These are the Top Ten “most memorable TV moments of the past 50 years,” according to a new British poll: 1. 9/11. 2. Princess Di’s funeral. 3. First lunar landing. 4. Berlin Wall knocked down. 5. Bob Geldof cursing at Live Aid. 6. “The Two Ronnies’ famous ‘Four Candles’ comedy sketch.” 7. “The dance performed by Ricky Gervais in his role as manager David Brent in The Office.” 8. Monty Python’s “Dead Parrot” sketch. 9. England winning the World Cup. 10. JFK’s assassination. [Reuters]

On this solemn day a half-dozen years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world that has killed some 700,000 people while finally making energy and defense stocks the solid dividend payers favored by long-term investors. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation, along with some truly stomach-turning old-fashioned American Huckersterism.

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One of Diaperman David Vitter’s other hookers, in New Orleans — but not the Diaper Gal, apparently — took a lie detector test administered by the President of Lie Detectors and the test proves she had “safe sex” with David Vitter, all the time, in New Orleans, and her pimp was named “Jonathan.” [Times-Picayune]

“Nixon received a lot of goodwill because of Tricia’s wedding. I’ve said before that President Bush’s best chance to come out of his term well is if they capture Osama bin Laden and one of the twins gets married.” [IndyStar]

Today, flags are at half mast — including Ronnie’s, in this undated publicity photo — and America is mourning as we say a fond farewell to America’s First Lady, actress Jane Wyman. Ms. Wyman was one of the wives of our greatest president, Ronald Reagan, before he replaced her with Nancy “Reagan” Davis. MORE »

“A little over three years after Pan Am Flight 103 blew up over Lockerbie, Scotland, Fred D. Thompson provided advice to a colleague about one of his law firm’s new clients: The man representing the two Libyan intelligence officials charged in the terrorist bombing.” [New York Times]

Turner Classic Movies puts the “classic” aside tomorrow, when it airs 15 shitty Ronald Reagan movies in a row. [TCM]

“Kanye West And 50 Cent Set For Epic Battle: Both Releasing Albums On September 11.” [MTV]

The space agency best known for crazy diaper-wearing vengeance-killing astronauts, crazy drunken astronauts and a fleet of crippled old space vehicles likely to explode upon takeoff or landing has beaten the odds today and actually brought a broken space shuttle home without being destroyed in the process. MORE »

Because the whole Terrorist Submarine Time Machine thing is the funniest fuck-with-the-media story since those Boston Terror Lite-Brite Mooninite guys did a press conference about their haircuts, we will just continue posting updates all day long, forever. Here, pictured, is “Mango,” the lovable sea-going terrier mascot of the 1776 American Turtle crew. MORE »

A whimsical Victorian submersible was captured today beneath the Brooklyn Steamship Terminal, and three top-hatted gentlemen were escorted to the constable for rigorous questioning regarding the undersea adventure. The captain was apparently seeking a “sea monster” or narwhal that had damaged a passenger ship off Long Island, officials said today. MORE »

Rudy Giuliani took a break from forcing abortions upon Christian women today and issued an exciting “Ten Commandments” for America — but Rudy thinks he’s better than God, so he had to make Twelve Commandments. MORE »