LIVEBLOGGING THE BEST EVER PRIMARY: Oh hey, are they still doing those primary elections? Yes, yes they are! In North Carolina and Indiana, we hear. Join us at ... let's see, about 7 p.m. Eastern time? Sure, why not. Our reporters will be "on the ground" in North Carolina at Bob Jones University, and with John Cougar Mellencamp in the heartland of Indiana, and your editor will be in Guam doing "sex tourism." DON'T FORGET TO BUY EXTRA LIQUOR & GUNS ON THE WAY HOME.
Sweet Japanese Jesus: "A Japanese civil servant was demoted for logging more than 780,000 hits on pornographic Web sites on his office computer over nine months, an official said Friday." 780,000, divided by nine months, divided by 22 workdays in a month... carry the zero... he looked at four billion Internet pornography boobs a day, every day. [AP/Raw Story]
OH YEAH IT'S ALSO 'LAW DAY': What, there's another made-up anti-May Day holiday today? Would you like to read something sad & hilarious? Here's Bush's "Law Day Proclamation" for May 1, 2008. [White House]
Here's where we are: If you have any trace amount of "metal" on your person, or in your luggage, or anywhere in your life, you are a terrorist and cannot board airplanes. Did you forget, Average American? You are never supposed to do that. Some lady did forget, however, and was forced to remove her nipple piercings with a pair of pliers at airport security. She is very upset, too!
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Now she's getting nasty: Hillary is lashing out against America's Funnyman, "Sinbad," which is basically political suicide. Do you know how many presidents were elected after criticizing Sinbad? Zero, that's how many.
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Only seven years after terrorists didn’t hijack passenger trains, Amtrak is finally getting the post-9/11 security it so desperately needs to continue pointlessly delaying trains and ruining the lives of Americans who stupidly rely upon the industrialized world’s lamest national rail service.
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Did you have some sort of plans Tuesday night? Were you crushed by the Terrorist Ice Strom? Well here’s some of what your Wonkette cooked up for you during our nation’s only Maryland-Virginia-DC primary:
These are the Top Ten “most memorable TV moments of the past 50 years,” according to a new British poll: 1. 9/11. 2. Princess Di’s funeral. 3. First lunar landing. 4. Berlin Wall knocked down. 5. Bob Geldof cursing at Live Aid. 6. “The Two Ronnies’ famous ‘Four Candles’ comedy sketch.” 7. “The dance performed by Ricky Gervais in his role as manager David Brent in The Office.” 8. Monty Python’s “Dead Parrot” sketch. 9. England winning the World Cup. 10. JFK’s assassination. [Reuters]
On this solemn day a half-dozen years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world that has killed some 700,000 people while finally making energy and defense stocks the solid dividend payers favored by long-term investors. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation, along with some truly stomach-turning old-fashioned American Huckersterism.
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One of Diaperman David Vitter’s other hookers, in New Orleans — but not the Diaper Gal, apparently — took a lie detector test administered by the President of Lie Detectors and the test proves she had “safe sex” with David Vitter, all the time, in New Orleans, and her pimp was named “Jonathan.” [Times-Picayune]
“Nixon received a lot of goodwill because of Tricia’s wedding. I’ve said before that President Bush’s best chance to come out of his term well is if they capture Osama bin Laden and one of the twins gets married.” [IndyStar]
Today, flags are at half mast — including Ronnie’s, in this undated publicity photo — and America is mourning as we say a fond farewell to America’s First Lady, actress Jane Wyman. Ms. Wyman was one of the wives of our greatest president, Ronald Reagan, before he replaced her with Nancy “Reagan” Davis.
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“A little over three years after Pan Am Flight 103 blew up over Lockerbie, Scotland, Fred D. Thompson provided advice to a colleague about one of his law firm’s new clients: The man representing the two Libyan intelligence officials charged in the terrorist bombing.” [New York Times]
The space agency best known for crazy diaper-wearing vengeance-killing astronauts, crazy drunken astronauts and a fleet of crippled old space vehicles likely to explode upon takeoff or landing has beaten the odds today and actually brought a broken space shuttle home without being destroyed in the process.
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Because the whole Terrorist Submarine Time Machine thing is the funniest fuck-with-the-media story since those Boston Terror Lite-Brite Mooninite guys did a press conference about their haircuts, we will just continue posting updates all day long, forever. Here, pictured, is “Mango,” the lovable sea-going terrier mascot of the 1776 American Turtle crew.
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