Wonkette

LIVEBLOGGING THE BEST EVER PRIMARY: Oh hey, are they still doing those primary elections? Yes, yes they are! In North Carolina and Indiana, we hear. Join us at … let’s see, about 7 p.m. Eastern time? Sure, why not. Our reporters will be “on the ground” in North Carolina at Bob Jones University, and with John Cougar Mellencamp in the heartland of Indiana, and your editor will be in Guam doing “sex tourism.” DON’T FORGET TO BUY EXTRA LIQUOR & GUNS ON THE WAY HOME.

Sweet Japanese Jesus: “A Japanese civil servant was demoted for logging more than 780,000 hits on pornographic Web sites on his office computer over nine months, an official said Friday.” 780,000, divided by nine months, divided by 22 workdays in a month… carry the zero… he looked at four billion Internet pornography boobs a day, every day. [AP/Raw Story]

OH YEAH IT’S ALSO ‘LAW DAY’: What, there’s another made-up anti-May Day holiday today? Would you like to read something sad & hilarious? Here’s Bush’s “Law Day Proclamation” for May 1, 2008. [White House]

Wonkette tipster “M.K.” sends this ridiculous screenshot from CNN.com, with a note: “The attached Word doc has a lovely screen capture of their late-breaking news (bird stuck in tree) …. Please, for the sweet love of Jeebus, make fun of these troglodytes who have managed to dumb down what seemed already pretty dumb.” Listen, “M.K.,” if that is your real name, if you can’t appreciate the importance of the pelican-in-a-tree story, we may well have to ask if you’re wearing a little flag pin.

Here’s where we are: If you have any trace amount of “metal” on your person, or in your luggage, or anywhere in your life, you are a terrorist and cannot board airplanes. Did you forget, Average American? You are never supposed to do that. Some lady did forget, however, and was forced to remove her nipple piercings with a pair of pliers at airport security. She is very upset, too! MORE »

Now she’s getting nasty: Hillary is lashing out against America’s Funnyman, “Sinbad,” which is basically political suicide. Do you know how many presidents were elected after criticizing Sinbad? Zero, that’s how many. MORE »

This is real, right? There’s a place where policemen dress like this, in our space-time continuum? Well then, relax and enjoy this sobering report of what happens when somebody sends themselves (maybe?) a stupid “political gag item” and then the Bomb Squad comes in and then the Mountie talks about Hillary’s serrated blade thighs around the Walnuts. [YouTube]

Only seven years after terrorists didn’t hijack passenger trains, Amtrak is finally getting the post-9/11 security it so desperately needs to continue pointlessly delaying trains and ruining the lives of Americans who stupidly rely upon the industrialized world’s lamest national rail service. MORE »