never forget
Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something
Hello and welcome to “We must now do (name irrelevant thing) to prevent the next Boston Marathon tragedy” week here in America. Fresh from the fine American political tradition that brought you the Iraq War as a nationally-supported response to 9/11, Senators Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are calling for — not war, as this [...]
U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims
Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving!
Ever Since Arafat Turned Him Down, Newt Swears Palestinians Don’t Exist
A long time ago, when amoral sperm whale Newt Gingrich was simultaneously banging another extramarital bimbo and prosecuting Bill Clinton for an extramarital sexytime, Newt was also deeply in love with Palestinian heartthrob Yasser Arafat.
Happy 10th Birthday, TSA! Thanks For, Uhh, Nothing?
Have you been celebrating the tenth anniversary of the Transportation Security Administration? We sure have! We’ve been doing all kinds of crazy stuff, like feeling up old cripples and making babies take their shoes off and doing the Naked X-Ray on some crying nuns and pouring out little kids’ milk and sticking our hands into [...]
America Stuck With All These Guy Fawkes Masks, We Guess
As this photo from our #OWS correspondent KenLayIsAlive makes clear, the guys with the Guy Fawkes masks are well represented at Occupy Wall Street and many other Protest Occupations around the country. The cultural trajectory of this mask is sometimes hard to follow, but here’s our attempt to explain it, and also explain why it [...]
Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives
Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate [...]
Happy Entire Decade of Failed U.S. War In Afghanistan
It’s Yom Kippur, everybody! Happy solemn Day of Atonement! And in the “anti-day of atonement,” it’s also the 10th Anniversary of the Endless Fucked-up Failed Loser War In Afghanistan Against Who-the-Fuck-Even-Knows. Hooray for that?! Of course, the utterly random Afghanistan Occupation has been a huge success for the military contractors from Blackwater to Pepsi, and [...]
Drone Terror Attack Thwarted Because Only Pentagon Is Allowed To Do That
What could be wrong about a robot-drone plane raining death and destruction upon the Enemy? Everything, when a Muslim wants to do it! (Otherwise, this is called “10 years of U.S. war in Afghanistan.”) Somehow, the FBI found an angry young Islamic dude in America who was, for some reason, angry about the endless murder [...]
Dumb NASA Names Frozen Gas Giant Planet ‘Tatooine’ (Because It Has Two Suns)
The Kepler planet-hunting telescope has discovered something amazing 200 light years from our own dumb planet: a frozen gas giant about the size of Saturn, which orbits dual stars. So, other than it being a frozen gas giant the size of Saturn, the planet is exactly like the baked desert world of Tatooine from the [...]
French Nuclear Waste Dump Explodes, Kenyan Oil Pipeline Explodes
How is the world of energy going, today? Not so well! In the non-German, still-nuke-having European land of France, a nuclear waste dump in Marcoule exploded. At least one person is dead and several are injured and of course there is “no danger” until, like every recent nuclear disaster, the entire province is pronounced off [...]
Here Is Your Wonkette Refuge From the 9/11/11 Internet Madness
We did not want to post anything, on this Day of Dread when we are supposed to forget about the awful industrial savagery and Crushed Freedumbs of the past decade, but you nice people keep sending us “tips” asking for some kind of refuge, shelter from the storm, what have you. Well!
Raccoons Begin To Cleanse Suburbs of Humans
Raccoons — “Nature’s Night Bear” — have long lived in proximity to humans and the garbage cans that are the primary symbol of human habitation. But the masked beasts have suddenly decided to kill everyone instead of just eating pizza crusts and tipping over Weber grills. This is happening now in Sacramento, and will soon [...]
Texas Lawmakers Notice Wildfires, Slash Funding To Firefighters
Some teabagger Republicans in the Texas legislature noticed on Newsmax or whatever that Texas is currently on fire, the whole state. And then they heard something about firefighters apparently trying to fight these catastrophic fires, which is communistic, so the Texas Forest Service will have its current low budget slashed by another third — $34 [...]
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