Tag Archives: never forget

  Definitely Not Safe For Work

You Need This Sex Toy To Never Forget 9/11

Never forget BRANDS
How are you Never Forgetting that today is the 13th anniversary of the worst crime committed on American soil (not counting American history before 2001, but shhhhhh, un-American America-haters, we shall not discuss that)? Read more on You Need This Sex Toy To Never Forget 9/11…
  At This Rate We May Never Forget

Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11

Last night, Malcolm Smith of the Colorado Seabirds won the Super-Ball Much Vaunted Person Certificate for his outstanding achievements in hitting, catching, and running. This gave Malcolm Smith something that somebody else wanted. The something was a microphone, and the somebody else was Matthew Mills, an “independent” “journalist” from Brooklyn, NY. As real journalists gathered around Smith to ask him questions about his mood, Mills saw his chance. He grabbed the microphone from Smith like a sportsball man doing a sweet move, and managed to say “Investigate 9/11; 9/11 was perpetrated by people within our own government” before not saying that anymore and something else happening. It looks like he darted away after a confused man touched him, but someone must have roughed him up at some point, right? Today, we are all never forgetting. Read more on Super Bowl Press Conference Crasher Just Wants NFL To Admit It Did 9/11…
  all we want for christmas is everything

Make Sure We Never Forget Coffee Or Benghazi With These Practical And Stylish And Stackable Mugs

As we get closer to the actual day of our Lord’s birth — yeah, we went there! Merry Christmas Jesus Birthday, America! None of this mealy-mouthed “Happy Holidays” for us, dammit — we’ve been thinking a lot about what we’re grateful for. Oh wait, that’s Thanksgiving. This is Christmas. We’ve been thinking a lot about presents, because that is what Jesus cared most about — stacking fat wads of cash and gifts under the Christmas tree. Read more on Make Sure We Never Forget Coffee Or Benghazi With These Practical And Stylish And Stackable Mugs…
  Selective never forgetting

Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)

What is it we’re supposed to never forget again? George W. Bush, August 6, 2001: Bush listened to the briefing [Bin Laden determined to strike in US], Suskind says, then told the CIA briefer: “All right. You’ve covered your ass, now.” George W. Bush, March 13, 2002: Read more on Never Forget (Except For The Stuff They Wish We’d Forget, You Can Go Ahead And Forget That Stuff)…
  dept. of heroic political theater

Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something

Hello and welcome to “We must now do (name irrelevant thing) to prevent the next Boston Marathon tragedy” week here in America. Fresh from the fine American political tradition that brought you the Iraq War as a nationally-supported response to 9/11, Senators Chuck Schumer and Lindsey Graham are calling for — not war, as this is John McCain’s beat — immigration reform, to prevent the next terrorist attack on the United States. Sure, why not. Can Lindsey Graham explain how immigration reform will also prevent climate change and diabetes, too? Read more on Immigration Reform Could Have Prevented 9/11 or Something…
  and a happy 9/11 to you!

Dick Cheney Bombshell: Barack Obama Caused 9/11 By Ignoring All His Daily Briefings

Good 9/11 Day to you, Wonkers, and May We Never Forget! Here is your ritual 9/11 gift, consisting of the retelling of the traditional 9/11 story by the Daily Caller explaining how Barack Obama never bothers with his PDBs — his Presidential Daily Briefings — and that is why he did the greatest Terror Attack on American soil, with his best friend Osama Bin Laden. Inpeach! Read more on Dick Cheney Bombshell: Barack Obama Caused 9/11 By Ignoring All His Daily Briefings…
  sweets and flowers

U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims

Everybody supporting the troops a lot? Here they are “finishing the job,” with the primary job being “killing Muslims everywhere” and the finish being “ritually urinating on the bloodied bodies.” Afghanistan, the war that keeps on giving! Read more on U.S. Soldiers Changing Hearts & Minds By Urinating On Dead Muslims…
  just like that dumb girl in 'twilight' we bet

Ever Since Arafat Turned Him Down, Newt Swears Palestinians Don’t Exist

A long time ago, when amoral sperm whale Newt Gingrich was simultaneously banging another extramarital bimbo and prosecuting Bill Clinton for an extramarital sexytime, Newt was also deeply in love with Palestinian heartthrob Yasser Arafat. Read more on Ever Since Arafat Turned Him Down, Newt Swears Palestinians Don’t Exist…
  happy grab-ass birthday

Happy 10th Birthday, TSA! Thanks For, Uhh, Nothing?

Have you been celebrating the tenth anniversary of the Transportation Security Administration? We sure have! We’ve been doing all kinds of crazy stuff, like feeling up old cripples and making babies take their shoes off and doing the Naked X-Ray on some crying nuns and pouring out little kids’ milk and sticking our hands into everybody’s business. For freedom! Read more on Happy 10th Birthday, TSA! Thanks For, Uhh, Nothing?…
  a children's history of catholic terrorism

America Stuck With All These Guy Fawkes Masks, We Guess

As this photo from our #OWS correspondent KenLayIsAlive makes clear, the guys with the Guy Fawkes masks are well represented at Occupy Wall Street and many other Protest Occupations around the country. The cultural trajectory of this mask is sometimes hard to follow, but here’s our attempt to explain it, and also explain why it creeps us out. Read more on America Stuck With All These Guy Fawkes Masks, We Guess…
  jesusween

Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives

Oh oh what to “be” for Halloween this year, tomorrow, when the big party happens somewhere? This is an annual problem for America’s infantile, sexually repressed adults — when you aren’t “being anything” during the rest of the year but a consumer schlub scared to death of getting fired from a job you deeply hate — so we are here to help. For example, here’s a super easy “Sexy Newt Gingrich Behind the Zoo” costume you can put together with a real-hair Newt Gingrich full-head mask from the surgery supply store and a bunch of stuffed animals you can easily find behind any hospital. Read more on Last Minute ‘Sexy Halloween Politics’ Costumes To Ruin Parties and Lives…
  almost forgot!

Happy Entire Decade of Failed U.S. War In Afghanistan

It’s Yom Kippur, everybody! Happy solemn Day of Atonement! And in the “anti-day of atonement,” it’s also the 10th Anniversary of the Endless Fucked-up Failed Loser War In Afghanistan Against Who-the-Fuck-Even-Knows. Hooray for that?! Of course, the utterly random Afghanistan Occupation has been a huge success for the military contractors from Blackwater to Pepsi, and a massive WIN for the death-machine & drone industry. And we guess it has given otherwise unemployable youth something to do with their time, and also it’s been good for the global slavery business and opium trade. So, uh, bright side? Read more on Happy Entire Decade of Failed U.S. War In Afghanistan…
  happy 9/11 month

Drone Terror Attack Thwarted Because Only Pentagon Is Allowed To Do That

What could be wrong about a robot-drone plane raining death and destruction upon the Enemy? Everything, when a Muslim wants to do it! (Otherwise, this is called “10 years of U.S. war in Afghanistan.”) Somehow, the FBI found an angry young Islamic dude in America who was, for some reason, angry about the endless murder of Muslims committed by the U.S. Department of Defense under orders from the Defense Contractors and their primary lobbyists, the U.S. Congress. And then the FBI did the usual thing of giving this dude a bunch of “fake” military explosives and assault weapons, so they could arrest him for having these things they just gave him, so they could say, “Terror Averted! (Please double our anti-terrorism budget, for freedom.)” Read more on Drone Terror Attack Thwarted Because Only Pentagon Is Allowed To Do That…
  cold-ass jawas

Dumb NASA Names Frozen Gas Giant Planet ‘Tatooine’ (Because It Has Two Suns)

The Kepler planet-hunting telescope has discovered something amazing 200 light years from our own dumb planet: a frozen gas giant about the size of Saturn, which orbits dual stars. So, other than it being a frozen gas giant the size of Saturn, the planet is exactly like the baked desert world of Tatooine from the Star Wars movies. Read more on Dumb NASA Names Frozen Gas Giant Planet ‘Tatooine’ (Because It Has Two Suns)…
  wonkette world o' books

Remembering America’s ‘Remembering 9/11′ Columns

Just one day over a decade ago, 9/11 changed everything. It did. But we got through it, because after all are we not Americans — that’s what we do, “get through” a constant sewage stream of economic and moral disasters. It was 10 years ago. Certain authors remember it well. “9/11,” they say, sitting down to tap out think pieces about that fateful day, “I remember it well. It changed everything. But is not America still, after all, America?” Let’s skim through some of these poignant “remembering 9/11” columns and incisive “how has this horrible decade affected Things on Earth?” essays, and compare and contrast, as a terrible beauty is born. Read more on Remembering America’s ‘Remembering 9/11′ Columns…
  energy in the news

French Nuclear Waste Dump Explodes, Kenyan Oil Pipeline Explodes

How is the world of energy going, today? Not so well! In the non-German, still-nuke-having European land of France, a nuclear waste dump in Marcoule exploded. At least one person is dead and several are injured and of course there is “no danger” until, like every recent nuclear disaster, the entire province is pronounced off limits to humanity for the next 10,000 years. (The Fox News-esque British deadpan comedy blog Daily Mail marks the explosion with the headline, “Marcoule explosion: Is the tide of anti-nuclear irrationality on the turn?”) And in Barack Obama’s socialist “Aloha State” of Kenya, a gigantic oil pipeline exploded in a heavily populated slum of Nairobi, killing at least a hundred. Read more on French Nuclear Waste Dump Explodes, Kenyan Oil Pipeline Explodes…