By the Comics Curmudgeon

Have you been enjoying your negative campaigning so far, citizens? Probably not! Some might say that the mud-slinging we’ve been subjected to is corroding our democracy from the inside out, but you and I both know that the real problem is that the candidates haven’t been negative enough. Oh, sure, Obama will raise your taxes and hangs out with ex-terrorists, McCain is an angry, violent old man who’s out of touch with the middle class, blah blah blah BORING. In order to really spice up the final days of this campaign, we are offering some truly negative campaign messages, which, being mostly ideology free, are open to whichever side can throw together an ad with ominous-sounding music first. MORE »

If you’re going to do a 30-second spot about John McCain going to Bermuda to defend offshore tax shelters, you should show like FRUITY DRINKS and Bo Derek prancing in the surf and joyful black people playing steel drums. Oh wait is that all Jamaica? Anyway, in this ad all you see is creepy photos of John McCain in his creepy sunglasses, which morph like the Terminator. Just … ick. ["Destination" ad via Ben Smith]

This is why John McCain will win the presidency: All of his exciting sex scandals happened 50 years ago, and since then he’s pretty much confined his misdoings to dull and complicated campaign finance/influence peddling bullshit that nobody cares about. We defy you to watch this very informative attack ad without falling asleep 15 times. How boring is this ad? So boring that in spite of the fact that it’s called “Tainted” we could only manufacture one tiny joke about Ralph Reed’s monstrous, world-devouring taint. Please Jesus let Vicki Iseman be knocked up with a little walnut-cheeked hellion so the DNC can make better ads. [YouTube]

This ad about John McCain’s 26 years servicing Washington has funny olde-tyme flapper music and lots of clips of John McCain debasing himself by hugging people and going on the Jay Leno show. The most shocking part is the outtakes from his sex tape with Paris Hilton: he is not known as the “White Tornado” for nothing. [Ben Smith]

Both presidential candidates released some angry shit-talking commercials today. Apparently Barack Obama promises your family fewer jobs, while John McCain lives in a tiny black-and-white television with George Bush. The question is, which candidate more stealthily removed the other candidate’s balls and replaced them with harmless Neuticles? View and assess, after the jump. MORE »

Last week all the Obamatards hated Andrea Mitchell for complaining about how Barack Obama didn’t invite the press to his basketball games in Iraq. This week they will love Andrea Mitchell for saying this McCain attack ad is “literally not true.” You know, the one about how Showboat Barry wouldn’t visit the troops in Germany because he couldn’t bring along cameras. (The truth is that he gave the troops the brushoff because he was busy inventing man-made AIDS.) [YouTube via Huffington Post]