Wonkette

Our good friend Jon Tester writes to us (and everybody else on his email list) to ask us to donate to the campaign of Scott Kleeb, who is running for the Senate “Tractor Caucus.” Who is this cutie with the terrible name? MORE »

President Barack Obama has won everything, but mostly Nebraska and Washington’s state caucuses tonight. But how? Look at that invigorated Nebraskan Hillary supporter lady above! How could Hillary lose with that energy on her side? Somehow, she very much did lose — Barack’s earned about two-thirds of the vote in both states. [CNN]

Ha ha, did you think there might be a single weekend off after the deeply unsatisfying Super Tuesday Spectacle? Saturday features five more contests, including caucuses in Kansas, Nebraska and Washington state, a full primary election in Louisiana, some kind of “pretend to vote” conference in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and finally a Sunday caucus for the Maine Democrats. We’ll have weekend updates as polls close. [TIME/The Page]

America is doomed. The Nebraska Supreme Court — probably “loaded” with gay Democrats — ruled today that “electrocution is cruel and unusual punishment, outlawing the electric chair in the only state that still used it as its sole means of execution.” Jesus, where’s the Soviet Union when you need it? MORE »

While Hillary Clinton’s youth and virility make the college kids swoon during campus visits, grumpy, senile daughter Chelsea Clinton — the oldest person on earth — doesn’t possess her mom’s hippie prowess. We have empirical evidence! A Wonkette “student” operative found Chelsea on the University of Nebraska campus today. “I think she was lost,” the operative — who is a total stitch — says. Check out how she invigorated that very youthful demographic: MORE »

Wacky Nebraska-state Senator Ernie Chambers sued God for being a terrorist, and the court in Omaha has already received two responses from two different Gods making the usual Cheney-esque claims of immunity from prosecution. [My Fox]

In order to make the point that there is no such thing as a “frivolous” lawsuit, Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers has filed the most fivolous lawsuit ever, suing God himself. Chambers “seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats.” While his confused political point is pretty much impossible to understand, Chambers’ suit itself is hilarious. Seriously, look at the details from the filing, it’s like a Randy Newman song come to life: MORE »

Nebraska Senator and cranky old anti-war Republican Chuck Hagel has finally made that big announcement he promised us months ago. Turns out that instead of running for President he’s going to make good on his term limit promise and retire from electoral politics forever or until he gets bored and decides to run for something again in a couple years. This leaves the Senate in utter disarray with only Senators Grassley and Schumer representing the all-important “Chuck” constituency. MORE »