Tag Archives: nebraska

  In Which We Fact-Check A Sermon

Fox’s Todd Starnes Will Save America With Smoked Pork Butt, Just Like Jesus

Secret admirer, secret admirer!
Fox News anchor, still-living Christian martyr, and legendary urine-drinker Todd Starnes treated the congregation of Abilene Baptist Church in Augusta, Georgia, to one beautiful “sermon” Sunday, with lots of terrifying examples of just how bad Christians have it in America today. Never mind that it was less a sermon than a collection of half-true stories from his dumb book God Less America — Starnes talked about the imminent government crackdown on faith, and that was all he needed to accomplish. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Will Save America With Smoked Pork Butt, Just Like Jesus…
  this won't work

Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy

Nah, the cat didn't join ISIS, we just wanted to use this pic.
You know that thing where you’re really mad at your local Humane Society, because those tyrants took your kitty cat away, because you were maybe abusing it, and you really need to teach them a lesson? Sure, we’ve all been there! (No we haven’t.) But this one Nebraska dude has been there, and he knows just what to do to avenge his lost pussy. He is going to join ISIS! Take THAT, Nebraska Humane Society! Read more on Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy…
  death death death death death!

Wingnut Nebraska Governor: Fine, Repeal The Death Penalty, I’ll Just Murder Folks Myself!

Mean, taking away the governor's fun like that.
  Last week, we said “Hurray!” and “Nice time!” because Nebraska repealed the death penalty, and that is a big deal for a conservative state. Republican Gov. Pete Ricketts had vetoed the legislature’s repeal bill, LB268, but lawmakers decided to tell him to suck it, voting overwhelmingly to override his veto. Well, guess who is having a himself a little temper tantrum now! That’s right, it is Gov. Pete Ricketts. He is so mad, he’s just going to have to execute the 10 inmates sitting on death row ALL BY HIMSELF: Read more on Wingnut Nebraska Governor: Fine, Repeal The Death Penalty, I’ll Just Murder Folks Myself!…
  Criminal Justice Nice Time!

Congratulations, Nebraska, Your Governor Isn’t Allowed To Kill You Anymore

Maybe it can be repurposed as a nice chaise.
Know that civilized thing that some states in this great nation do, where they exact retribution for murder crimes by murdering the murderer right back, because we are bloodthirsty monsters? Well yay, because Nebraska has decided to stop doing that! The conservative legislature has executed the death penalty entirely, and managed to stick its fingers in the wingnut Nebraska governor’s eyes in the process, by overriding his veto: Read more on Congratulations, Nebraska, Your Governor Isn’t Allowed To Kill You Anymore…
  see you in court bitch

Totally Normal Nebraska Lady Would Like To See ALL GAYS In Court Right Now!

Yep, totally guilty of gayness. Not sorry.
Oh, our litigious society! Here is a lady you will want to get to know very well, named Sylvia Driskell, resident of Auburn, Nebraska, and if you are a gay homosexual, she’s gonna need you to appear in court and answer to her charges against you, because she has filed a federal lawsuit against ALL GAYS. She was probably sitting at the dinner table with her family and bitching about all ‘dem lezbo-fags for the eleventy-millionth time, when one of her weary family members was like “Well, why doncha make a federal case out of it, SYLVIA?” And she replied, “OKAY I WILL!” Read more on Totally Normal Nebraska Lady Would Like To See ALL GAYS In Court Right Now!…
  the effluent society

Nebraska Guy To Regulators: Here, Have A Cold Glass Of Delicious Fracking Juice!

I'm so sorry I forgot to bring a bag of dicks to go with this...
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, fracking, and mystery fluids Public hearings don’t generally make for exciting video, short of the occasional outburst by fans of black helicopters or people worried about buttsex enzymes, but they can also be enlivened by an activist with a good visual aid. For example, here’s a Nebraska man inviting members of the state’s Oil and Gas Conservation Commission to drink glasses full of a mystery chemical mix, to make the point that he’s not so crazy about a proposal to pump other states’ fracking wastewater into wells in Nebraska. Read more on Nebraska Guy To Regulators: Here, Have A Cold Glass Of Delicious Fracking Juice!…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  Call of Fruity

Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage

The threat is real.
The Nebraska legislature, in its zeal to give as many guns to as many people as fast as possible, may have inadvertently left the Cornholer State vulnerable to the oncoming onslaught that is gay marriage, thanks to a bill that grants concealed carry permits to the spouses of current military members, who as you may know can be totally homo for each other now, ew! Read more on Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage…
  buzzkills

Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man

Colorado is coming up on its one-year weediversary! In keeping with the paper gift traditionally given on first anniversaries, two of its neighbors went in on a lovingly handcrafted lawsuit. In the most serious legal challenge to date against Colorado’s legalization of marijuana, two neighboring states have asked the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down the history-making law. Read more on Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man…
  Here have some news n stuff

GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement

Convicted killers for Lee Terry
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins, from a Lee Terry ad Rep. Lee Terry of Nebraska is a real piece of work. He’s one of the charming fellas who insisted, during the government shutdown, that he was special and, unlike the rest of America, he really needed his paycheck because he, unlike the rest of America, had “a nice house and a kid in college.” Then he said he was sorry for saying that, he didn’t mean to seem like a total jerkwad, it’s not how he was raised.Being a jerk in all the other ways, however, is how he was raised, it seems, because he’s never apologized for his long voting record of being an anti-woman, anti-children, anti-gay, anti-healthcare, anti-everything jerk. Or for running some disgusting ads this election cycle, blaming his Democratic opponent, Brad Ashford, for the four murders committed by Nikko Jenkins after being released early from prison under the state’s “good time” policy. According to Terry’s campaign, there was nothing wrong with suggesting that it was basically Ashford’s fault that four people were dead — a charge so despicable, even former Republican National Chairman Michael Steele condemned the campaign.So it’s quite fitting that this week, during a competency hearing to determine whether none other than convicted Nikko Jenkins is competent to be sentenced to the death penalty (which is a whole other discussion for a whole other day), Jenkins endorsed, that’s right, Lee Terry: Read more on GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Good News, Ladies, Your Bra Won’t Give You Cancer And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Will not cause cancer probably
Good news, bad news, old news, new news — Yr Wonkette has it all, for all your news needs. In case you were worried that your over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder was doing cancer to your lady lumps, breathe a sigh of relief because apparently, that’s not true after all: Read more on Good News, Ladies, Your Bra Won’t Give You Cancer And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  You know who else didn't sell Tic Tacs in schools?

Now Michelle Obama Has Stolen All The Pop-Tarts

Let them eat dirt
Thanks to Michelle Obama’s ongoing war on your children’s Eleventeenth Amendment right to shove all the junk food they want into their chubby faces — try reading the Constitution sometime, Michelle — Westside High School in Omaha, Nebraska, is scrambling to figure out how to comply with the tyrannical 2010 Healthy Hunger-Free Act, which took effect in July. Read more on Now Michelle Obama Has Stolen All The Pop-Tarts…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Scott Brown Will Sue You So Hard, Geek Pizza, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's so sensitive
Do you want some news? We have some news! Food news, bad idea news, and Dick Cheney is still a dick news. (Okay, that’s not exactly news, but we have yet another example for you.) Come on in, the water’s fine. And the pizza’s pretty good too. Read more on Scott Brown Will Sue You So Hard, Geek Pizza, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  clip and save!

Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted

You know that we are very public service minded here at Wonkette, which is why we’re bringing you this handy-dandy column that you can cut out and put in your wallet for the next 1001th time that some idjit tries to explain to you that they don’t really hate the gays, but they just don’t see a need for gay marriage because you can totally just make a contract for all the rights marriage confers upon you. Next time that happens, and it will happen, because there is no known cure for terminal stupid, just whip this bad boy out and show ’em whatcha got. Read more on Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted…
  parade of horribles

Cool Obama Presidential Library Outhouse Parade Float Is What America Is All About

How was your Fourth of July? Did you celebrate ‘Merica? Maybe you attended a small-town parade, because those are always a testament to joy and open-mindedness. You probably wish you’d gone to this cool parade in Norfolk, Nebraska, that featured an “Obama Presidential Library” float where the “library” was an outhouse, because that is some quality humor. Read more on Cool Obama Presidential Library Outhouse Parade Float Is What America Is All About…