Tag Archives: nebraska

  the effluent society

Nebraska Guy To Regulators: Here, Have A Cold Glass Of Delicious Fracking Juice!

I'm so sorry I forgot to bring a bag of dicks to go with this...
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, fracking, and mystery fluids Public hearings don’t generally make for exciting video, short of the occasional outburst by fans of black helicopters or people worried about buttsex enzymes, but they can also be enlivened by an activist with a good visual aid. For example, here’s a Nebraska man inviting members of the state’s Oil and Gas Conservation Commission to drink glasses full of a mystery chemical mix, to make the point that he’s not so crazy about a proposal to pump other states’ fracking wastewater into wells in Nebraska. Read more on Nebraska Guy To Regulators: Here, Have A Cold Glass Of Delicious Fracking Juice!…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  Call of Fruity

Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage

Too bad, so sad
The Nebraska legislature, in its zeal to give as many guns to as many people as fast as possible, may have inadvertently left the Cornholer State vulnerable to the oncoming onslaught that is gay marriage, thanks to a bill that grants concealed carry permits to the spouses of current military members, who as you may know can be totally homo for each other now, ew! Read more on Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage…
  buzzkills

Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man

Colorado is coming up on its one-year weediversary! In keeping with the paper gift traditionally given on first anniversaries, two of its neighbors went in on a lovingly handcrafted lawsuit. In the most serious legal challenge to date against Colorado’s legalization of marijuana, two neighboring states have asked the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down the history-making law. Read more on Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man…
  Here have some news n stuff

GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement

Convicted killers for Lee Terry
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins, from a Lee Terry ad Rep. Lee Terry of Nebraska is a real piece of work. He’s one of the charming fellas who insisted, during the government shutdown, that he was special and, unlike the rest of America, he really needed his paycheck because he, unlike the rest of America, had “a nice house and a kid in college.” Then he said he was sorry for saying that, he didn’t mean to seem like a total jerkwad, it’s not how he was raised.Being a jerk in all the other ways, however, is how he was raised, it seems, because he’s never apologized for his long voting record of being an anti-woman, anti-children, anti-gay, anti-healthcare, anti-everything jerk. Or for running some disgusting ads this election cycle, blaming his Democratic opponent, Brad Ashford, for the four murders committed by Nikko Jenkins after being released early from prison under the state’s “good time” policy. According to Terry’s campaign, there was nothing wrong with suggesting that it was basically Ashford’s fault that four people were dead — a charge so despicable, even former Republican National Chairman Michael Steele condemned the campaign.So it’s quite fitting that this week, during a competency hearing to determine whether none other than convicted Nikko Jenkins is competent to be sentenced to the death penalty (which is a whole other discussion for a whole other day), Jenkins endorsed, that’s right, Lee Terry: Read more on GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Good News, Ladies, Your Bra Won’t Give You Cancer And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Will not cause cancer probably
Good news, bad news, old news, new news — Yr Wonkette has it all, for all your news needs. In case you were worried that your over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder was doing cancer to your lady lumps, breathe a sigh of relief because apparently, that’s not true after all: Read more on Good News, Ladies, Your Bra Won’t Give You Cancer And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  You know who else didn't sell Tic Tacs in schools?

Now Michelle Obama Has Stolen All The Pop-Tarts

Let them eat dirt
Thanks to Michelle Obama’s ongoing war on your children’s Eleventeenth Amendment right to shove all the junk food they want into their chubby faces — try reading the Constitution sometime, Michelle — Westside High School in Omaha, Nebraska, is scrambling to figure out how to comply with the tyrannical 2010 Healthy Hunger-Free Act, which took effect in July. Read more on Now Michelle Obama Has Stolen All The Pop-Tarts…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Scott Brown Will Sue You So Hard, Geek Pizza, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He's so sensitive
Do you want some news? We have some news! Food news, bad idea news, and Dick Cheney is still a dick news. (Okay, that’s not exactly news, but we have yet another example for you.) Come on in, the water’s fine. And the pizza’s pretty good too. Read more on Scott Brown Will Sue You So Hard, Geek Pizza, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  clip and save!

Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted

You know that we are very public service minded here at Wonkette, which is why we’re bringing you this handy-dandy column that you can cut out and put in your wallet for the next 1001th time that some idjit tries to explain to you that they don’t really hate the gays, but they just don’t see a need for gay marriage because you can totally just make a contract for all the rights marriage confers upon you. Next time that happens, and it will happen, because there is no known cure for terminal stupid, just whip this bad boy out and show ‘em whatcha got. Read more on Here Is Your Helpful Post About Gay Marriage And Federalism, Just Like You Always Wanted…
  parade of horribles

Cool Obama Presidential Library Outhouse Parade Float Is What America Is All About

How was your Fourth of July? Did you celebrate ‘Merica? Maybe you attended a small-town parade, because those are always a testament to joy and open-mindedness. You probably wish you’d gone to this cool parade in Norfolk, Nebraska, that featured an “Obama Presidential Library” float where the “library” was an outhouse, because that is some quality humor. Read more on Cool Obama Presidential Library Outhouse Parade Float Is What America Is All About…
  sasse-y!

This Nice Nebraska Tea Party Fella Is Your New Ted Cruz, America

Don’t throw out those tricorn hats quite yet, people. The Tea Party is on the comeback trail. This is good news for America, as our strategic snark reserve might otherwise have fallen to historic lows this campaign cycle. In what is either a sign of a conservative wave this fall or an indication that Republican voters in Nebraska have chocolate pudding where their brain stems should be, Tea Party favorite Ben Sasse won Tuesday’s primary for the GOP nomination for Senate. He now moves on to the general election, where he will be favored over the Democratic nominee David Domina. Sanity, running as an independent, is polling a distant third. We have met Ben Sasse before, back when he announced he wants to move the U.S. Capitol to Nebraska so all those decadent politicians can spend their time around decent, hard-working, salt-of-the-earth, churchgoing, god-fearing people. People like Ben Sasse, with his Nebraska upbringing and his Ivy League degrees from Harvard and Yale and his years spent in Washington working in the Dubya administration. You know, the common clay. Read more on This Nice Nebraska Tea Party Fella Is Your New Ted Cruz, America…
  big shot

Wannabe Nebraska Governor Will Beat Up Obama Doll For Freedom

As political satirical fun time bloggers, we applaud the new ease with which any candidate anywhere can make themselves a YouTube and spit out a campaign ad, because that really has been comedy gold for us over the past few years. Even the big folks have used YouTube to get weird, like Ted Cruz with his David Dewhurst = Chupacabra ad in 2011, and our most beloved ad of all time, Carly Fiorina’s demon sheep. But you don’t need to be a big budget type to get yourself a viral video sort of thingy, as evidenced by this obamahead-slapping fellow, Nebraska state senator Beau McCoy, who is running for governor of the Plains State or the Flat State or whatever they call themselves. Cornhuskers? Or is that Iowa?? Read more on Wannabe Nebraska Governor Will Beat Up Obama Doll For Freedom…
  salt of the derp

GOP Senate Candidate Ben Sasse Has Genius Plan To Move Nation’s Capital To Nebraska, Fix America Forever

It’s been about ten seconds since we had some nonsense person declare that he’s a salt of the earth man o’ the people tax-hatin’ rootin-tootin’ kinda guy, so let’s meet Ben Sasse. Mr. Sasse is running for Senate in corn-fed Nebraska, and he has a super smart idea we’re sure you’ll all dig: In a campaign advertisement released last week, Ben Sasse says that he wants to “cure the incredible ineffectiveness and dysfunction of both parties in Washington” by moving “the Capitol to Nebraska where they can experience family, conservative values, living within a budget, and pulling together, not pulling apart.” Oh, ok. That’s some thinking outside the box, where the box equals rational thought. Read more on GOP Senate Candidate Ben Sasse Has Genius Plan To Move Nation’s Capital To Nebraska, Fix America Forever…
  when you care enough to make an empty gesture

Nebraska Rep. Lee Terry Sings The Very Sorry Song For Liking His Gummint Money So Much

Nebraska congresscritter Lee Terry,* who last week defiantly explained that unlike other people, he needs his congressional paycheck even during the government shutdown, has seen the light, thanks to the help of the Omaha World-Herald in sharing with the world his belief that he was entitled to full pay because he has “a nice house and a kid in college” that he had to pay for. For some reason, people didn’t care for that. And so yesterday, the paper reports, Terry issued an apology: “The other day I made a statement that I would put my needs above others in crisis,” Terry said in his Sunday statement. “I’m ashamed of my comments. It was not leadership. It is not how I was raised. It is not the nature of my character. It is not what I want to teach my sons. I apologize for my hurtful remarks when so many others are feeling the pain of Washington’s dysfunction.” Translation: I made it clear just how contemptuous I am of you people, but the Internet Was Not Pleased, so I will make the politically appropriate gesture. Read more on Nebraska Rep. Lee Terry Sings The Very Sorry Song For Liking His Gummint Money So Much…
  she works hard for the money

GOP Representatives Need Their Gummint Money, So Stop Your Whining (Updated!)

(Breaking: See Schadenfreude-Filled Update at end of post) Welcome to all our Wonkettarian brothers and sisters. Our Inspirational Verse today comes from the Book of Chuck Jones and the Testament of Daffy, who sayeth, “After all, it was me or him, and obviously, it couldn’t be me. It’s a simple matter of logic. I’m not like other people. I can’t stand pain. It hurts me.” Friends, let us keep in mind this wisdom from a little black duck before we too harshly judge sister Renee Elmers of the 2nd Congressional District of North Carolina. Even though some 70 members of the House and Senate are either donating their pay to charity or refusing a paycheck during the government shutdown, Rep. Elmers has a far more practical approach to the question: “I need my paycheck. That’s the bottom line,” Rep. Ellmers told ABC affiliate WTVD. “I understand that there may be some other members who are deferring their paychecks, and I think that’s admirable. I’m not in that position.” Read more on GOP Representatives Need Their Gummint Money, So Stop Your Whining (Updated!)…
  at least no one was compared to hitler

Iowa Congresscritter Steve King Says Illegal Immigrants Doing 9/11 To America All The Time

Canteloupe-calved hate machine Steve King told an anti-immigration rally in Omaha, Nebraska, last Friday that illegal immigrants are a murderous mob of murdery evil: Recalling a conversation he had with a former INS agent, Mike Cutler, during a congressional hearing, King said he asked Cutler, “How many Americans have died at the hands of [illegal immigrants] who did make it into America? What’s the price Americans are paying for an open door policy?” King claims that Cutler responded, “‘I don’t know the answer to that, but I can tell you it will be in multiples of the victims of September 11th.’ Now that hits home doesn’t it?” he asked … “Three thousand times something,” King said. “Three thousand times something, three thousand times X, is the magnitude of individual tragedies here in America.” So these out of control immigrants have murdered at least 6,000 Americans. Or 9,000. But just to be on the safe side, let’s say it was 12,000, because that’s a good scary number. Read more on Iowa Congresscritter Steve King Says Illegal Immigrants Doing 9/11 To America All The Time…
  Mysterious Creatures

What Do Ladies Want, If They Even Know? A Debate By Two Republican Gentlemen

Nebraska and Oklahoma: Two neighboring states that proudly embrace their independent pioneer heritage, their rival university f’ball teams with silly names, and their domination by agribusiness interests — they are like power bottoms for Archer Daniels Midland! Both states also share a near-complete stranglehold on state politics by the GOP. (Oh sure, Nebraska’s weirdass unicameral legislature is officially nonpartisan, but they aren’t fooling anybody.) And yet, even though they spring from the same rich prairie soil, not all legislators in the two states are cut from the same cloth or march to the same drummer! And we’re not just whistling “Dixie!” Submitted for your approval: Oklahoma can boast that it is home to State Rep. Doug Cox, who, following up on his brush with Wonket fame, recently published an op-ed in which he wonders just why the modern GOP is home to so many people who think women are exotic alien beings from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. People like State Sen.* Bill Kintner (R-Nebraska), who answered a newspaper questionnaire by saying that his “biggest mystery” is women, because who knows what they’re about? And so, Yr. Wonket proudly presents a Prairie State Debate between Sen. Kintner, our newest nominee for our coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, and Rep. Cox, a human being. Read more on What Do Ladies Want, If They Even Know? A Debate By Two Republican Gentlemen…
  modern jeremiahs

Nebraska Sen. Goes On Amazing Hours-Long Filibuster, Calls Out Fellow Pols’ Crimes By Name, With Wrath Of God And Black Jesus

kotanow.com, KDUH, Scottsbluff, News, Weather and Sports First of all, there is a black legislator from Nebraska. Second of all, he spent yesterday going Wrath of God on his fellow leggies, whether Dem or Republican, and specifically called them out (by name) for their gambling and fornicating and homosexing. Third of all, he told them all to shut up because Black Jesus. And fourth of all, the guy whose bill he was filibustering at the time — which would have allowed nonprofits to contract with prison work camps and which actually sounds okay, if you are all right ethically with the concept of prison work camps in general — had a rilllly good comeback, and that comeback was that looks like SOMEBODY’S not going to Heaven because he doesn’t have a proper relationship with our lord and savior Jesus Christ! (We guess he wasn’t listening during the Black Jesus part.) And that, United States Senate, is how you do a filibuster! Read more on Nebraska Sen. Goes On Amazing Hours-Long Filibuster, Calls Out Fellow Pols’ Crimes By Name, With Wrath Of God And Black Jesus…
  fabulous celebrities

Bob Kerrey Nabs King Tut Endorsement

Achtung! Achtung! Important Hollywood Celebrity Endorsement News! But maybe Bob Kerrey’s opponent — whom Google tells us is one state Sen. Deb Fischer? — can get Janine Turner to cut her some crazy-ass vid. [PoliticalWire] Read more on Bob Kerrey Nabs King Tut Endorsement…
  wow very subtle guys

EPA Drones Terrorizing Ranchers Because the EPA Hates the Heartland

Some folks out in Real America who probably have no problem with President Obama’s unchecked expansion of the drone war to kill children in 500 countries or its use of drones to survey the Mexican border or its use of domestic drones everywhere else because this is something we’ve allowed to happen have finally come up with a tangentially related complaint line that fits their fancy: Obama’s liberal EPA is using drones to spy on hard-workin’ ranchers, in Nebraska. “A Nebraska cattlemen’s group is pushing the Environmental Protection Agency to stop pollution-control flights over ranches, claiming it amounts to spying on citizens,” MSNBC reports. “EPA, meanwhile, says the flights are an effective way to quickly spot — and stop — pollution from manure lagoons and other waste at large livestock operations.” Wow, it almost seems like this Nebraska cattlemen’s group is cynically using contentious “privacy” grounds to stop the EPA from monitoring all of their violations of the Clean Water Act, doesn’t it? But let’s just say that liberals hate the Heartland instead. Read more on EPA Drones Terrorizing Ranchers Because the EPA Hates the Heartland…
  bone bone's connected to the mouth bone

‘P-E-N-I-S Goes Into The Anus To Rupture Intestines’ Says Nebraska Lady, Nobody Sure Why

WELL! Thank you Wonkette operative “OkieDokieDog,” for passing along this film of great beauty and poetry. It is of a Nebraska lady getting all hot and nasty about Gay Sex Orgiers, with their P-E-N-I-S-es. They are Homiciders. And the UN/UNESCO, somehow. We do not know. But it should certainly have more than 313 views, so click where it says “READ MORE” and read more! Read more on ‘P-E-N-I-S Goes Into The Anus To Rupture Intestines’ Says Nebraska Lady, Nobody Sure Why…