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Tag: nebraska

Wonkagenda: Wednesday, October 12, 2016

You get in here and read your news brief, RIGHT NOW!
Professional cum-sock.

Texas Attorney General Will Save North Carolina From Transgender Pee-Pee Monsters

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton is sticking his dumb nose in where it doesn't belong, again.
President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)

Ted Cruz Finally Made A Friend In The Senate, Sort Of

We've been having a rollicking good time pointing and laughing at friendless foreigner Ted Cruz, whose guts are hated by every single Republican, especially the U.S. Senate kind, past AND present. Or so we thought.  But check it out! Here is one Republican...
Nothing's more American than an anime girl in a flag bikini

Finally, A Real Plan To Rid Nebraska Schools Of Commie Infiltrators

Hooray! The spirit of McCarthyism is alive and well in Hastings, Nebraska, where for the first time in ages, the local school district has asked all its teachers to comply with a 1951 state law requiring all teachers to...
Secret admirer, secret admirer!

Fox’s Todd Starnes Will Save America With Smoked Pork Butt, Just Like Jesus

Fox News anchor, still-living Christian martyr, and legendary urine-drinker Todd Starnes treated the congregation of Abilene Baptist Church in Augusta, Georgia, to one beautiful "sermon" Sunday, with lots of terrifying examples of just how bad Christians have it in...
Nah, the cat didn't join ISIS, we just wanted to use this pic.

Nebraska Guy Wishes To Join ISIS, To Win Back Confiscated Pussy

You know that thing where you're really mad at your local Humane Society, because those tyrants took your kitty cat away, because you were maybe abusing it, and you really need to teach them a lesson? Sure, we've all been...
Mean, taking away the governor's fun like that.

Wingnut Nebraska Governor: Fine, Repeal The Death Penalty, I’ll Just Murder Folks Myself!

  Last week, we said "Hurray!" and "Nice time!" because Nebraska repealed the death penalty, and that is a big deal for a conservative state. Republican Gov. Pete Ricketts had vetoed the legislature's repeal bill, LB268, but lawmakers decided to tell him...
Maybe it can be repurposed as a nice chaise.

Congratulations, Nebraska, Your Governor Isn’t Allowed To Kill You Anymore

Know that civilized thing that some states in this great nation do, where they exact retribution for murder crimes by murdering the murderer right back, because we are bloodthirsty monsters? Well yay, because Nebraska has decided to stop doing that!...
Yep, totally guilty of gayness. Not sorry.

Totally Normal Nebraska Lady Would Like To See ALL GAYS In Court Right Now!

Oh, our litigious society! Here is a lady you will want to get to know very well, named Sylvia Driskell, resident of Auburn, Nebraska, and if you are a gay homosexual, she's gonna need you to appear in court...
I'm so sorry I forgot to bring a bag of dicks to go with this...

Nebraska Guy To Regulators: Here, Have A Cold Glass Of Delicious Fracking Juice!

This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for coverage of oil spills, fracking, and mystery fluids Public hearings don't generally make for exciting video, short of the occasional outburst by fans of black helicopters or...
Screw you, huddled masses.

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who've already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no,...
The threat is real.

Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage

The Nebraska legislature, in its zeal to give as many guns to as many people as fast as possible, may have inadvertently left the Cornholer State vulnerable to the oncoming onslaught that is gay marriage, thanks to a bill...

Nebraska and Oklahoma Harshing Colorado’s Mellow With Totally Uncool Lawsuit, Man

Colorado is coming up on its one-year weediversary! In keeping with the paper gift traditionally given on first anniversaries, two of its neighbors went in on a lovingly handcrafted lawsuit. In the most serious legal challenge to date against Colorado's legalization of...
Convicted killers for Lee Terry

GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement

Rep. Lee Terry of Nebraska is a real piece of work. He's one of the charming fellas who insisted, during the government shutdown, that he was special and, unlike the rest of America, he really needed his paycheck because...
Blue feathers? Do we know anyone with blue feathers?

Texas Won’t Let Lesbian Get Driver’s License, Because Jesus And Shut Up Is Why

A woman who recently moved to Texas from California can't get a Texas driver's license under her married name, because she's married to another lady, and Texas just don't think that's respectable. Connie Wilson and her partner Aimee relocated to the...
Will not cause cancer probably

Good News, Ladies, Your Bra Won’t Give You Cancer And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Good news, bad news, old news, new news -- Yr Wonkette has it all, for all your news needs. In case you were worried that your over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder was doing cancer to your lady lumps, breathe a sigh of relief because...