• REGARDING THE FAT DUMB SWANS OF MARYLAND: This is the only important news story of the day, or year: “Everyone loves swans in Maryland! They’re very pretty. But some of them are mute! Those ones… well they are not so pretty and must be killed immediately… That means shooting adults or snapping their necks, and coating eggs with vegetable oil to suffocate embryos.” [NBC Washington]

FIST BUMPS CELEBRATE THE VULGARIZATION OF AMERICAN CULTURE: “How we greet each other says who we are. A firm handshake says, ‘I am well nourished, energetic, vigorous, and in possession of most of my fingers.’ A hug says, ‘I am an oversexed idiot with no self restraint.’ And a fist bump says, ‘I might not have any fingers at all, and if I do, I am too lazy to use them.’” [Sara's NBC gig]

A long time ago, American treasure Tim Russert died, leaving an opening at America’s most important teevee chat program, Meet the Press. Goateed numbers nerd Chuck Todd was maybe going to take over, because why not, but then the Higher Ups at GE/NBC decided David Gregory should be the new host, because David Gregory can dance and dance, on teevee, which is the whole point of Meet the Press. MORE »

• ASSHOLES FROM POLITICAL BLOG RUIN JOURNALISM, AMERICA: People go so insane over words, on the Internet. [DCist]

SARA K. SMITH IS PRESIDENT OF DRUDGE REPORT: Your favorite Wonkette editrix is also writing comical blog posts serious journalism for NBC in, uh, New York. And Los Angeles. And she got a DRUDGE LINK for her very first piece, about how lonely puritanical Democrats don’t have any Sexy Scandals — it’s right there in bold, italic and underline in the right-hand column. This is the equivalent of winning the Pulitzer/Nobel/Oscar times 1 billion on your first day at work. [NBC New York/NBC Los Angeles/Drudge Report]

• LAMERS: The Huffington Post hears from secret NBC people that America’s Safe Pick, David Gregory, has been tapped to host Meet The Press, replacing interim host Tom Brokaw, who can finally retire and fulfill his lifelong dream of fighting in World War II. If Gregory ends up being the official pick, then… then this really won’t affect our lives much at all. [HuffPo]

One of your favorite pretend secret boyfriends, NBC News “Math Fraud” Chuck Todd, thinks that — get this — the DEMOCRAT, the nominee of the party that always loses presidential elections due to horrible gayness, will win the current presidential election. Oh, “okay.” He lists Florida, Indiana, Montana, Missouri, Nevada, North Carolina, North Dakota and Ohio as the only toss-up states, and Obama can lose them all and still come out with 286 electoral votes. Do you think that Chuck Todd knows that Barack Obama is Indonesian? [First Read]

After demonstrating her ability to flub an interview with literally anyone, including third graders, Sarah Palin made sure she had some backup in her talk with NBC’s Brian Williams. She took along her running mate, John McCain! But still, when Williams asked her, “What, in your mind, is a ‘precondition’?” as it pertained to meeting with dictators, she went all woogly about those who would seek to destroy America, blah blah blah. In other words, SHOCKER, she does not know what a precondition is. MORE »

Ha ha ha Luke Russert, NBC’s Official Young Persons Correspondent, apparently made a terrible slip this morning and said “the smartest kids in the state go [to UVA], so it’s leaning a little bit towards Obama,” which was a terrible insult to all the remedial readers at the University of Virginia who will also vote for Obama. Naturally, an apology was in order. MORE »

Well then here it is. [NBC]

So who is this mysterious “David Gregory” who will replace Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews for MSNBC’s election coverage, ushering a nation of despairing libtards through the Debate Nightmares before dropping them off at the Tunnel of Doom on election day? A “seasoned political journalist” and known tall person, Gregory made his reportorial bones the old fashioned way: by dancing, repeatedly and embarrassingly, on television. A beautiful retrospective after the jump. MORE »