Wonkette

POPE FEVER! Do you have the Pope Fever? Well next time wear a condom! Meanwhile learn about all the popes who were even worse than Joseph Ratzinger. [Brightest Young Things]

HEY DRUDGE THAT’S NOT FUNNY: “Death by suicide robot,” is that what you call that old “Hitler Youth” Pope looking at you, these days? NOT COOL MAN, not cool. Anyway, happy “Good Friday,” everybody. It’s the day Rome finally killed Jesus so He would never bother us again. [DRUDGE REPORT]

Beloved anti-Nazi pope John Paul II is back, according to Vatican TV. And this time, he is a terrible fire monster! We know about this because we accidentally had CNN Headline News on the other day, with the sound off, for some reason we can no longer remember, and suddenly there’s a terrible picture of the dead pope next to another picture of the Fire Pope. (It was on that douchesack Glenn Beck’s show that nobody has ever intentionally watched.) MORE »

Just as the United States is finally getting tolerant enough to briefly consider electing a scientologist dog torturer, the “former” Nazi and current pope Joseph Ratzinger today announced that non-Catholic Christians aren’t really Christians because their churches aren’t really churches and lack the “means of salvation.” Because of this, according to Ratzinger, you are going to Hell forever if you are a Born Again or Evangelical or Fundamentalist or Seventh Day Adventist or Baptist or Gnostic or Episcopalian or Lutheran or Methodist or Anglican or (especially) Mormon or (obviously) Jewish. MORE »