JOHN McCAIN cut himself (”down the highway” not “across the street”) after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can’t even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy to a game of MARIO KART? … MORE »

Political wife person Cindy McCain is summering at her home in Coronado (”fancy San Diego”)… right next a huge base of sexy sexy Navy boys! Miss Cindy posted this naughty pic on her Twitter with the message, “The Navy Seals running on my beach. They look great!” PRRR, kitty. Watch out SEALs! [Twitter]

Impossibly enough, this post isn’t about teabag protests but is about Ron Paul. That’s right, you guessed it, it is instead about whether Congress should distribute “letters of marque and reprisal” to stop pirates and stuff. This is one of those old-timey things that, to people in 1789, was a pretty clutch inclusion in the Constitution — kind of like assigning an accurate fractional electoral value to slaves. Ron Paul wants Congress to start using this power to send forth Privateers to the high seas. Back in the halcyon days of Mercantilism, the king or queen or dauphin would send private aristocratic warships out to sea to steal other countries’ ships and their booty, for Royal Profit. Sometimes those victimized countries would get so upset that they might retaliate with, say, A SPANISH ARMADA. This is all Ron Paul wants now, and that’s why he can’t have it. [TPM]

Over Easter weekend while the rest of America was busy gaining 10 pounds eating ham and Peeps, President Obama occupied himself authorizing military action that left three Somali pirates dead and one kidnapped American captain alive. This feat of daring means that nobody can call Obama a pussy anymore. MORE »

Just four short years ago, John Kerry loved John McCain so much he repeatedly implored the angry little fraud to be his running mate in his ultimately failed bid for president. And John McCain said no, because he wanted to lose on his own, four years later! This caused irreparable damage to their wonderful fairytale friendship. MORE »

While Hillary Clinton has all but lost the nomination, she raised about $20 million in March. John McCain, on the other hand, has already won his nomination and should have the entire Republican base of Fat Cats giving him money, forever. And that brings him to a grand March total of… $15 million. To someone as old as John McCain, that’s like $120 billion in fresh new Confederate scrip! “Hotcakes and fritters for all you trollops,” McCain was overheard saying to his family. [Marc Ambinder]

Way back in 1957 — when John McCain was failing in college, the one that he visited today — he and some boys “sailed to Rio de Janeiro aboard a destroyer” in order to destroy Brazil. As John McCain wrote in his 1999 memoir, “My imagination could not have embellished the good time we made of our nine days in port.” That’s because he got laiiiiiiiiid! And then he went back to Brazil later to shtup her again, this Brazilian model. And then he went back yet again for even more sex. Does John McCain still go to Brazil to make this Brazilian gal? MORE »

SAFE … FOR NOW: The Pentagon claims it shot down the Satellite of Death about an hour ago, somewhere west of Hawaii (coincidence?), and now we will not die, at least not tonight, because it’s pretty much tomorrow already. ALSO: Did you people see that Blood Red Lunar Eclipse? Awesomeness. [CNN/AP}

It was so scary when little Iranian motorboats did loops around American warships in the Persian Gulf last week. The U.S. ships were apparently seconds away from blasting the tiny speedboats, all because of a threatening radio message assumed to be from the scary Iranians. Now the Navy says the scary transmission could have come from a well-known “radio prankster” called the Filipino Monkey. MORE »

Kids today: what’s the matter with them? According to the Navy, they are actually aliens. Danger Room found a Navy recruiting powerpoint presentation and apparently these nutty “millennials” have crazy ideas about not joining the Navy. Why? Because they are “coddled” and “narcissistic praise junkies,” of course! Oh, and because of Iraq. Also did you know they have complicated text messaging codes? And if you want to convince them to sign their life away to Uncle Sam, you’ll need to crack that code. MORE »

The Navy is apparently out of purple hearts, so now no one in Iraq will get hurt anymore! [Houston Chron]