One day in the future, we will all sit around and tell our grandchildren where we were on December 13, 2013, the day that some wingnut bloggers realized was the anniversary of Al Gore’s 2008 prediction that the North Pole ice cap would be gone in five years. (Gore has consistently said the ice cap […]

Remember November, when there were like one million gun tragedies in a row and we kept writing about them until we had horrible gun tragedy fatigue and said fuck it, because there’s only so many times you can write about dead kids before your soul hurts? That was…what is the opposite of fun? But hey! […]

Join the armed forces you guys! We cannot stop counting the perks! You’ll maybe get to travel to foreign and exotic places, shoot Bin Laden in the face and kill him, and then come home a hero! Movies will be made about you, people will sing your praises, the world will be your oyster! Until […]

The Navy has a new class of aircraft carriers coming out! The new versions still have runways for planes and still float on the sea and are still big old boats. Beyond that, however, these new ones are decidedly liberal aircraft carriers. For the first time, the bathrooms won’t feature urinals. Women have served on […]

Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by […]

Whoa hey, check out the kewl electric rainbow boat photo. What the hell? This must be how Jesus sees the world when he peers down from the clouds. Is this an Instagram from Jesus? “The U.S. Navy is deploying robot helicopters” – SHIT – “that can spot pirate boats — even when they’re in a […]

For absurdity, how about those four Navy F-18s flying over the stadium – with its retractable roof closed? Everybody inside could only see the planes on the stadium’s video screens. It was strictly a two-second beauty shot. Know what it cost taxpayers? I’ll tell you: $450,000. (The Navy justifies the expense by saying it’s good […]

According to news reports, Navy Captain Owen Honors, that guy who made all those dumb gay-joke videos with the mock masturbation and butt probes and some kind of stuffed toy parrot sidekick and Glenn Close (?), is apparently still in charge of the USS Enterprise. But he will not be for long, according to a […]

As Wonkbot (the dean of the military masturbation-joke press corps) first reported, the Navy has opened an investigation into a series of instructional videos made by the former Executive Officer of the USS Enterprise, Captain Owen Honors, after The Virginian-Pilot got its hands on this guy’s clip show of favorite moments. And wow, this guy […]

Merry Christmas Eve, unless you’re a non-believer, in which case “may Satan have mercy on your tortured soul.” Let’s pray that this year Joseph finds a nice Howard Johnson or something so that he doesn’t have to spend another Christmas trapped in a manure stable with his manipulative teenage bride who cheated on him with […]

TODAY IN CUM  3:48 pm March 10, 2010

by Jim Newell

SNORKEL? “When you’re on ship, you’re almost exhausted 24-7. So a lot of times you sleep with your uniform on. Tom and Massa shared a stateroom together. Massa climbed up on the top of his bunk, which is hard to do–you never crawl up on somebody else’s bunk. He wakes up to Massa undoing his […]

The new Missile Defense Agency logo looks exactly like one of those terrible muslin moon things. Coincidence or BARACK OBAMA? [Big Government] No fewer but probably no more than two conservative bloggers agree that Jeb Bush should definitely run for president. [The Corner] Don’t pretend like you’re too busy or something: Take this fun political […]

JOHN McCAIN cut himself (“down the highway” not “across the street”) after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can’t even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy […]

Political wife person Cindy McCain is summering at her home in Coronado (“fancy San Diego”)… right next a huge base of sexy sexy Navy boys! Miss Cindy posted this naughty pic on her Twitter with the message, “The Navy Seals running on my beach. They look great!” PRRR, kitty. Watch out SEALs! [Twitter]

Impossibly enough, this post isn’t about teabag protests but is about Ron Paul. That’s right, you guessed it, it is instead about whether Congress should distribute “letters of marque and reprisal” to stop pirates and stuff. This is one of those old-timey things that, to people in 1789, was a pretty clutch inclusion in the […]