Tag Archives: navy

  The Price Of Liberty Is Eternal Dipshittery

Military Recruiters Not Thrilled With Militia ‘Protecting’ Them, By Accidentally Shooting Stuff

Not feeling a lot safer, nope
After the Chattanooga shootings, a whole bunch of armed militia loons took it upon themselves to do for the military what the Pentagon was too pussy to do for itself: dress up like they’re ready for World War Z and stand around outside recruiting centers, just in case any more 24-year-old Muslim guys with depression and drug problems decide to go on a murder spree. But is the military grateful? No, the ingrates at the U.S. Army and other branches of the military have asked them to please just go away, and advised recruiters to treat armed people milling around outside their offices as a security threat. Read more on Military Recruiters Not Thrilled With Militia ‘Protecting’ Them, By Accidentally Shooting Stuff…
  What year is it again?

NBC Affiliate Decides Republican Navy Doctor Too Gay For Delicate Tennessee Viewers

So controversial.
Did you know marriage equality is a mainstream thing these days? Polling released Monday shows that fully 56 percent of Americans are more than ready for the Supreme Court to do gay marriage to the entire country, and those numbers grow every single year. So you’d think a commercial featuring a gay Republican military doctor who really wants to marry his boyfriend wouldn’t be considered “controversial.” OH BUT IT IS! At least for WRCB, an NBC affiliate in Chattanooga, Tennessee: Read more on NBC Affiliate Decides Republican Navy Doctor Too Gay For Delicate Tennessee Viewers…
  Followed by Faghatin' Fridays and Sexist Saturdays

Army Unit Has ‘Racial Thursdays’ Tradition To Relieve Stress Of Not Being Racist The Other Days

Come to serve your country, stay for the constant racial denigration!
Who is in trouble for racism this time? Oh, hello, it is a platoon of soldiers at Fort Wainwright in Alaska who have allegedly been holding an unauthorized “Racial Thursdays” event, where everybody gets to say all the awful racist shit that they’ve been thinking the whole week, but have had to swallow, due to the pressures of being civilized human beings: Read more on Army Unit Has ‘Racial Thursdays’ Tradition To Relieve Stress Of Not Being Racist The Other Days…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Here’s Rachel Saying ‘Shtupping.’ Also, Maybe A Murder At Gitmo?

Shtup Making Sense
Rachel Maddow leads into this developing story about the firing of the head of the Navy’s base at Guantanamo Bay with a quick overview of the David Petraeus affair, noting that Petraeus lost his job as CIA director only after an investigation into what seemed an unrelated matter, and also noting that we still don’t know whether Petraeus “will be criminally charged with disclosing classified information to the woman he was shtupping while he was head of the CIA.” We think that usage might be a first for cable news, but some smartass with Nexis/Lexis will probably correct us. Read more on Morning Maddow: Here’s Rachel Saying ‘Shtupping.’ Also, Maybe A Murder At Gitmo?…
  Sins Of The Son

Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine

Having the Royal Navy bring him the stuff was probably a mistake on his part
Vice President Joe Biden’s son Hunter was discharged from the Navy Reserve in February of this year after failing a drug test for cocaine, according to the Wall Street Journal. It’s a sad story, and pretty unremarkable, but thank god, the Stupidest Guest Blogger on the Internet, Gateway Pundit’s Kristinn Taylor, was able to find a way to make it a symptom of Joe Biden’s duplicity: Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden’s Son Hoovering Up All The Cocaine…
  global warming all over your face

Al Gore Forgot To Add ‘To Seven’ About A Thing So Climate Change A Hoax Haw Haw

One day in the future, we will all sit around and tell our grandchildren where we were on December 13, 2013, the day that some wingnut bloggers realized was the anniversary of Al Gore’s 2008 prediction that the North Pole ice cap would be gone in five years. (Gore has consistently said the ice cap would be gone in “five to seven years,” and “in as little as seven years.” They did find one video where he said “in five years,” and forgot to add “to seven” in the middle, so obviously Al Gore is a pathological liar.) But there is still ice at the North Pole so INPEACH!!!! and so forth. (Presumably we’ll be telling our grandchildren this story while huddled around a sun lamp deep within the abandoned salt mine we retreated to when global climate change made the planet’s surface an inhospitable hellscape with an atmosphere made up mostly of carbon dioxide and solar radiation.) Okay, the computer models Al Gore was referencing were off (or not!), and since this story was brought to us by the Stupidest Man on the Internet (who we really hope will #payup before humanity retreats underground to be enslaved by the Mole People) we would have just ignored it. Then we opened our Internet browser and read this piece about the challenges rising sea levels attributed in part to melting polar ice caps pose to our semi-beloved hometown of Norfolk, Virginia. And we remembered that oh yeah, the Stupidest Man on the Internet is a wingnut grifter making his living selling derp and derp-related accessories to morons. Meanwhile… Read more on Al Gore Forgot To Add ‘To Seven’ About A Thing So Climate Change A Hoax Haw Haw…
  who watches the watchmen

Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault

Remember November, when there were like one million gun tragedies in a row and we kept writing about them until we had horrible gun tragedy fatigue and said fuck it, because there’s only so many times you can write about dead kids before your soul hurts? That was…what is the opposite of fun? But hey! We’re getting that same opportunity for repetitive sadness and outrage fatigue thanks to the military’s parade of horribles that they placed in charge of sexual assault initiatives. Lucky! 10 days ago, the Air Force kicked off the party with Mr. Sexually-Assaults-Ladies-In-Parking-Lots. Many people noted at the time, yr Wonkette included, that maybe this just wasn’t a good career path for this dude, seeing as how he was in charge of sexual assault prevention for the entire military branch. Fast forward a whole whopping week and we had some sexual assault prevention officer for the Army crawl out from under a rock so he could be charged with not only sexually assaulting some (as in “more than one”) ladies but also, too, forcing one of his subordinates into prostitution. Take that, you fucking wussy Air Force guys! Army guys sexually assault AND pimp ladies out. The Army sexual assault prevention fellows are so utterly bad at preventing themselves from assault that an entirely different guy did an entirely different bad thing! Read more on Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault…
  takers

Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance

Join the armed forces you guys! We cannot stop counting the perks! You’ll maybe get to travel to foreign and exotic places, shoot Bin Laden in the face and kill him, and then come home a hero! Movies will be made about you, people will sing your praises, the world will be your oyster! Until you decide you want to retire, and then things may not go so great! This is how things have turned out for the guy who shot Osama bin Laden in the face — literally, the exact guy on SEAL Team 6 who shot Bin Laden in the face. He has decided to retire and can’t find a job and thought he didn’t have access to health care (only to find out later that he has health care for five years and his family isn’t covered). According to a profile on Esquire that is so amazing you should have read it yesterday: But the Shooter will discover soon enough that when he leaves after sixteen years in the Navy, his body filled with scar tissue, arthritis, tendonitis, eye damage, and blown disks, here is what he gets from his employer and a grateful nation: Nothing. No pension, no health care, and no protection for himself or his family. Read more on Join The Navy, See New Places, Meet New People, And Return To Broken Dreams And Limited Health Insurance…
  walnuts is gonna lose it

The Latest End of America: No Urinals On Navy’s New Gender-Neutral Carriers

The Navy has a new class of aircraft carriers coming out! The new versions still have runways for planes and still float on the sea and are still big old boats. Beyond that, however, these new ones are decidedly liberal aircraft carriers. For the first time, the bathrooms won’t feature urinals. Women have served on combat ships since 1994 and, well, maybe at this point it would be easier to put in toilets that everyone can use in the new fleet’s bathrooms, the deciders decided. Just aim a few degrees lower, boys, then hit flush, and it’s not so bad. Just kidding, it’s officially the end of America again. Read more on The Latest End of America: No Urinals On Navy’s New Gender-Neutral Carriers…
  (not) in the navy

Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay

Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by invoking the Golden Rule, and also that animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them, like when Jesus cast an evil spirit into some pigs. Hello, it is called science, why don’t you look it up! RawStory has the raw story on dude just laying down the cold homo FACTS. Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), for starters, turn people who were born straight into icky queers. This is when you perform gay and lesbian exorcisms, obviously. Except that then the gay goes into the animals, and that is why 4000 species do gay stuff to each other. Read more on Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay…
  we're defecting to the robot helicopters

Robot Helicopters Will Only Be Used To Spy On Pirates, We Swear

Whoa hey, check out the kewl electric rainbow boat photo. What the hell? This must be how Jesus sees the world when he peers down from the clouds. Is this an Instagram from Jesus? “The U.S. Navy is deploying robot helicopters” — SHIT — “that can spot pirate boats — even when they’re in a crowded sea lane.” And if the robot helicopter, dare we say, somehow fucks up and targets a non-pirate boat for destruction, then… look, these things happen. Those people probably were going to turn pirate at some point anyway. Read more on Robot Helicopters Will Only Be Used To Spy On Pirates, We Swear…
  worth as much as a-rod being fed popcorn?

Defense Spends $450,000 On Flying Over Football Stadium Closed Off To Sky

For absurdity, how about those four Navy F-18s flying over the stadium – with its retractable roof closed? Everybody inside could only see the planes on the stadium’s video screens. It was strictly a two-second beauty shot. Know what it cost taxpayers? I’ll tell you: $450,000. (The Navy justifies the expense by saying it’s good for recruiting.) Read more on Defense Spends $450,000 On Flying Over Football Stadium Closed Off To Sky…
  play him out styx cat

Gay Wank Joke Navy Commander Likely To Be Relieved of Duty

According to news reports, Navy Captain Owen Honors, that guy who made all those dumb gay-joke videos with the mock masturbation and butt probes and some kind of stuffed toy parrot sidekick and Glenn Close (?), is apparently still in charge of the USS Enterprise. But he will not be for long, according to a source who says he’s being relieved of his duty today. How nice of them to take that load off! The Navy denies that a decision has been made about this straight man and his gripping, accurate portrayal of a nerdy gay sailor (with acting), but to whom are we supposed to listen: the Navy, or reports of reports of reports of reports of something an unnamed source supposedly said? We’ll take the latter, though sadly, it means the END OF HUMOR in our armed forces. Where will Reader’s Digest get their material now that Navy people aren’t being forced to (mock) shower naked and (mock) have stuff shoved up their butts by a superior officer? Read more on Gay Wank Joke Navy Commander Likely To Be Relieved of Duty…
  in the navy

USS Enterprise Commander Stars In Series of Gay-Joke Wank Videos

As Wonkbot (the dean of the military masturbation-joke press corps) first reported, the Navy has opened an investigation into a series of instructional videos made by the former Executive Officer of the USS Enterprise, Captain Owen Honors, after The Virginian-Pilot got its hands on this guy’s clip show of favorite moments. And wow, this guy really is the world’s greatest sketch comedian! Why did he ever decide to be in the military? He could have created the world’s best selling line of “these two Navy ladies are pretending to take a shower together but aren’t really!” DVDs. Sailors on this important Iraq-shooting boat were audience to the best in comedy, from mock masturbation to mock sodomy to mock dick shots to mock donkey sex to mock semen (seamen semen!). Comedy gold after the jump! Read more on USS Enterprise Commander Stars In Series of Gay-Joke Wank Videos…
  it's morning in america

And Now You Can Visit the Virgin Mary In Wisconsin

Merry Christmas Eve, unless you’re a non-believer, in which case “may Satan have mercy on your tortured soul.” Let’s pray that this year Joseph finds a nice Howard Johnson or something so that he doesn’t have to spend another Christmas trapped in a manure stable with his manipulative teenage bride who cheated on him with God. But if you’re “into” that kind of stuff (cheating virgins giving birth in animal poop sheds), you should definitely visit “a little chapel among the dairy farms” in Wisconsin, one of the few places on Earth where “apparitions of the Virgin Mary have been officially validated by the Roman Catholic Church.” So basically the Virgin Mary is haunting some poor chapel in Real America, according to the Pope. “Catholic leaders described the decree in Wisconsin as a bolt of joy at a trying time for the Catholic church, which is troubled by revelations of sex abuse.” Ha ha, “bolt of joy.” Is that what they’re calling boners now? [NYT] Read more on And Now You Can Visit the Virgin Mary In Wisconsin… Read more on And Now You Can Visit the Virgin Mary In Wisconsin…