Wonkette

Just four short years ago, John Kerry loved John McCain so much he repeatedly implored the angry little fraud to be his running mate in his ultimately failed bid for president. And John McCain said no, because he wanted to lose on his own, four years later! This caused irreparable damage to their wonderful fairytale friendship. MORE »

While Hillary Clinton has all but lost the nomination, she raised about $20 million in March. John McCain, on the other hand, has already won his nomination and should have the entire Republican base of Fat Cats giving him money, forever. And that brings him to a grand March total of… $15 million. To someone as old as John McCain, that’s like $120 billion in fresh new Confederate scrip! “Hotcakes and fritters for all you trollops,” McCain was overheard saying to his family. [Marc Ambinder]

Way back in 1957 — when John McCain was failing in college, the one that he visited today — he and some boys “sailed to Rio de Janeiro aboard a destroyer” in order to destroy Brazil. As John McCain wrote in his 1999 memoir, “My imagination could not have embellished the good time we made of our nine days in port.” That’s because he got laiiiiiiiiid! And then he went back to Brazil later to shtup her again, this Brazilian model. And then he went back yet again for even more sex. Does John McCain still go to Brazil to make this Brazilian gal? MORE »

SAFE … FOR NOW: The Pentagon claims it shot down the Satellite of Death about an hour ago, somewhere west of Hawaii (coincidence?), and now we will not die, at least not tonight, because it’s pretty much tomorrow already. ALSO: Did you people see that Blood Red Lunar Eclipse? Awesomeness. [CNN/AP}

It was so scary when little Iranian motorboats did loops around American warships in the Persian Gulf last week. The U.S. ships were apparently seconds away from blasting the tiny speedboats, all because of a threatening radio message assumed to be from the scary Iranians. Now the Navy says the scary transmission could have come from a well-known “radio prankster” called the Filipino Monkey. MORE »

Kids today: what’s the matter with them? According to the Navy, they are actually aliens. Danger Room found a Navy recruiting powerpoint presentation and apparently these nutty “millennials” have crazy ideas about not joining the Navy. Why? Because they are “coddled” and “narcissistic praise junkies,” of course! Oh, and because of Iraq. Also did you know they have complicated text messaging codes? And if you want to convince them to sign their life away to Uncle Sam, you’ll need to crack that code. MORE »

The Navy is apparently out of purple hearts, so now no one in Iraq will get hurt anymore! [Houston Chron]

* Paul and Shaha rock each other’s worlds like a bomb-belt in a crowded market. [Liberal Avenger]
* Republican bloggers “declare war on the Republican Leadership of the United States House of Representatives.” [Red State]
* Hilary is stealing all Barry’s best zingers. And by zingers we mean pointless clichés. [Election Central]
* Sam Brownback ends up in tears when his memorized sports analogy backfires. Stick to the show tune metaphors, Sam. [AP]
* Navy still thinks Muslim pilot is dangerous, but will let him be a wingman anytime. [Blackfive]
* White dudes run shit, jam up your teevee on Sundays talking about it. [Media Matters]

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The Navy’s crazed researchers can only perform “severe or unusual intrusions” on human brains and bodies with approval of the undersecretary of the Navy, according to a new Pentagon memo — and that covers the usual “consciousness-altering drugs or mind-control techniques,” too. MORE »