Tag Archives: native americans

  Teach A Man To Bloviate And He'll Eat For A Lifetime

Bryan Fischer Was Not Fired From Wingnut Central For Saying Any Of The Following

How can we miss you if you won't go away?
When we heard the news last night that Bryan Fischer was fired by the American Patriarchy Association, our first thought was that it couldn’t have happened to a nicer wingnut. Our second thought was that this could be really bad for Yr. Wonkette, as a casual search through the archives shows that Mr. Fischer is a near-endless source of stupid hilarity. And our third thought had something to do with beer, as per usual. Read more on Bryan Fischer Was Not Fired From Wingnut Central For Saying Any Of The Following…
  clipbait

John Oliver Wonders Why We’re Still Bothering With Columbus Day (Video)

We actually remember this part
Happy Native American Genocide Day, Blame-America-First crowd! John Oliver and Last Week Tonight have this happy little video asking the important question: How is Columbus Day still a thing? It’s a solemn commemoration of mattress sales and “turning up to an unexpectedly closed post office and going, ‘Oh yeah. It’s Columbus Day. Shit.'” Read more on John Oliver Wonders Why We’re Still Bothering With Columbus Day (Video)…
  Leave sportsball alooooonnnnne!

68% Of Americans Know Offensive Sportsball Team Name Is Not Offensive, Shut Up

Stop being so sensitive
We are shocked (shocked!) to learn that a majority of Americans — 71 percent — are terrible people, according to a new poll conducted for ESPN. What, you may ask, are we U.S. Americans being terrible about today, and isn’t 71 percent sort of a low number when you think about it? We are definitely not being terrible about racism, because we are post-racial now and Democrats are the REAL racists anyway, with their war on whitey, and Real Americans don’t even see race anyway, and Santa is white, kids!, and … where were we? Oh yes. ESPN’s new poll on whether the name of Washington Sportsball Team is offensive and should be changed. The answers will in no way amaze you! Read more on 68% Of Americans Know Offensive Sportsball Team Name Is Not Offensive, Shut Up…
  Fire Water Burn

Completely Sane Colorado Republican Explains Fracking Perfectly Fine, Since Water Has Always Caught Fire

Frack you and frack your whole aquifer
Colorado state Senator Randy Baumgardner and his epic Mustache of Justice may have failed in their quest to unseat U.S. Sen. Mark Udall — as it turns out, Baumgardner didn’t even qualify for the primary — but that doesn’t mean that the man and the mustache have any intention of letting liberals run rampant with their fakey stories about fracking being bad for children or other living things. In fact, he told Wonkette’s favorite disgraced former chaplain Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, there is nothing unusual about tapwater smelling like an oil well or catching on fire, because according to Science Facts that he happens to know real good, it’s all perfectly natural. Read more on Completely Sane Colorado Republican Explains Fracking Perfectly Fine, Since Water Has Always Caught Fire…
  lucky us

Finally, Dennis Prager Is Here To Share His Dumb Feels About The Redskins

One of the weirdest things about the whole Redskins brouhaha/fiasco/nightmare is how so many people on the right are willing to make this their line in the sand, the hill they will die upon. Haha that is not weird at all, because it gives them an opportunity to be straight up racist assholes but cloak it in FREE SPEECH, which is most likely their favorite thing to do in the whole world, save perhaps for being straight homophobic and/or sexist assholes but cloaking it in FREE SPEECH. So we probably shouldn’t be surprised that illustrious big thinker Dennis Prager finally got around to weighing in on how if you can’t call a football team by a Native American slur, then what good is living anyway? Read more on Finally, Dennis Prager Is Here To Share His Dumb Feels About The Redskins…
  you'll just sing about jesus and drink wine all day

Dinesh D’Souza Wishes The Blacks Appreciated What Slavery Did For Them

Just like the great philosopher Pollyanna, Dinesh D’Souza has a relentlessly cheerful message to minority types who may feel that they somehow got some kind of a “raw deal” from American history: Stop being such a gloomy Gus, think about how lucky you are that your ancestors were brought to America in chains or driven off their lands, and turn that frown upside down! Read more on Dinesh D’Souza Wishes The Blacks Appreciated What Slavery Did For Them…
  what are words for?

Virginia Legislators Want ‘Redskins Pride Caucus’ Because They Are Terrible And Stupid

We’ve made no secret of the fact that we think the name “Washington Redskins” is some straight up racist bullshit, mainly because it is some straight up racist bullshit. But there are many people who feel pretty proud and pretty wedded to the name, which might — MIGHT — be forgivable if the proud wedded people were actual factual Native Americans that were into reclaiming the slur or whatever. Instead, this is just a pile of not Native American people who live in the surrounding states and are apparently sad they lack a football team — racist named or otherwise — and are going to be all homer proud about a team NAMED AFTER A RACIAL SLUR. In fact, they’re so proud that they’ve started a Redskins Pride Caucus, which is so dumb as to be almost unbelievable. Read more on Virginia Legislators Want ‘Redskins Pride Caucus’ Because They Are Terrible And Stupid…
  don't know much about history

Dana Loesch All In A Bother About Redskins Or Something (Unclear)

We saw some hilarious reactions yesterday to the Patent Office’s decision to revoke the Washington Redskins trademark. (Note to #tcot: private citizens using the legal system to convince the Patent Office to revoke a trademark is not communism by any stretch of even the most fevered imaginations besides yours.) But by far the weirdest and most hilarious came from Wonkette favorite Dana Loesch, who nearly had a coronary ranting on Twitter about the decision. What exactly was the human-shaped puddle of monkey vomit so worked up about? Let’s ragesplore. Read more on Dana Loesch All In A Bother About Redskins Or Something (Unclear)…
  honky honky!

‘Redskins’ Is Actually Repectful Term, Explains Cracker On Fox Panel

We guess this is a new one. Sure, the old argument goes that team names like that of the Washington sportsball franchise somehow “honor” Native Americans, but on Outnumbered Monday, Fox’s Pete Hegseth went one better and insisted that the term “Redskins” was itself a pretty nice thing to call your noble savages: Read more on ‘Redskins’ Is Actually Repectful Term, Explains Cracker On Fox Panel…
  little big lies

Sundays With The Christianists: Smallpox-Infested American History Textbooks For Your Homeschooled Savages

Hey, history buffs, or historians in the buff as the case may be. After a brief detour into the novelistic sludge of America’s Greatest Artist, we’re back to our American History textbooks for the Christian school and homeschooling market. This week, once again, we’ve got a real contrast: someone seems to have let a real historian write the section on westward expansion in our 11th/12th-grade text from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools. For starters, it acknowledges that the “story of the American West” was not simply one of courageous settlers overcoming the obstacles they faced in order to build a new and better land. Unfortunately, there is a darker side to the story. As white men moved west, they clashed with the Indians, just as they had done since the days of the Jamestown colony in Virginia. It’s pretty much the equal of what you’d find in a secular textbook, with no attempt to whitewash the murderous realities, and a decided lack of oversimplifying. Great for kids reading this textbook, but sadly, pretty much nothing for us to mock here. Happily for our purposes, our other textbook, A Beka’s 8th-grade-level America: Land I Love, steamrolls over all the ickiness of the Indian Wars in a short section ingeniously headed “Problems of the Plains Indians.” You might get more accurate history from a random episode of F-Troop. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Smallpox-Infested American History Textbooks For Your Homeschooled Savages…
  take one cup of racism and then ad hominem

Daily Caller Exposes Native American Activist As Total White Guy Or Something, Rendering DC Sportsball Team’s Name Inoffensive

Wow, today must be Daily Caller Debunks Everything Badly Day! Not only has Tucker Carlson’s Home For Angry White Men exposed Cory Booker as a carpetbagging friend of predatory raccoons, it has also completely blown the credibility of “The American Indian leader spearheading the campaign to change the name of the Washington Redskins” (see what they did there?) by revealing that Ray Halbritter, who has made numerous media appearances to call for the name change, is “not a legitimate member of the tribe he leads,” but rather “an Obama crony who is raking in casino money and paying back only small stipends to his tribe members.” We’re still trying to puzzle out how those two categories are mutually exclusive, and why the uber-capitalists at Daily Caller suddenly don’t like an exploitative jerb creator, but we mostly just wanted to call attention to the hilarious heading that the DC used to promote this story in their morning email: “RED-Handed! Documents: Anti-Redskins Indian leader not a legitimate member of his tribe.” Excellent work, Daily Caller – glad to see you won’t stand for these fake Injuns and their outrageous race-bating. Read more on Daily Caller Exposes Native American Activist As Total White Guy Or Something, Rendering DC Sportsball Team’s Name Inoffensive…
  teaching that old time religion

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books To Shield Homeschoolers From Heresy

We have to admit that we are getting quite an education from our American History textbooks for Christian schools. Last week, for instance, we learned that slavery was unpleasant but had its benefits, like those pretty spirituals. This week, we’ll look at the Second Great Awakening, a period of evangelical growth in the early 19th century, and at other popular religious enthusiasms of the time, which were nothing but twisted heresies. Be sure to take notes, because your immortal soul will be on the quiz. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books To Shield Homeschoolers From Heresy…
  total eclipse of the smarts

Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing

After all the sex and excitement of the Revolutionary War and the writing of the Constitution, our American History textbooks for Christian schools present us with something of a challenge: there’s just not all that much crazy for them to say about the following few decades of history. Sure, there’s a lot of stuff that has to go on the test, but when’s the last time you got wrapped up in an argument about the Monroe Doctrine or the X Y Z Affair? And so our Christian textbooks manage to get through stuff like the Louisiana Purchase and the War of 1812 without any particular fuss. Still, when comparing these books to secular textbooks, you develop a Vincent Vega-like appreciation of the little differences, like their discussion of Thomas Jefferson’s heresies, or their condemnation of Native Americans’ being led astray by “superstition.” Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Homeschooled American History That’s Almost Like The Real Thing…
  bewitched bibled and bewildered

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschooled Witch-Finders

Welcome, time tourists! Ready for some Colonial American fun? This week, we continue our autopsy of two American History texts for homeschoolers and Christian schools: a high school text from Bob Jones University Press, United States History for Christian Schools, and an 8th-grade text from A Beka Book, America: Land I Love. As we’ve noted throughout this series, these books don’t necessarily “lie” about history so much as they promote a highly selective version of it, which is of course a necessary corrective to the liberal bias of public education, just like Fox News is fair and balanced. This week, we’ll learn how colonial Americans rejected communism and promoted religious freedom by driving out heretics. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Homeschooled Witch-Finders…
  dances with heathens

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Wonder Why God Let Pagans Get Here First

Greetings, Wonkademics! So glad you could roll up for our magical history tour! This week, we continue our look at two textbooks for homeschoolers and Christian schools, the 8th-grade text from A Beka Book, America: Land I Love, and Bob Jones University Press’s backpack-burster for 11th/12th graders, United States History for Christian Schools. This time around, we’ll look at how these books approach the story of how a just and merciful God brought civilization and smallpox to the original inhabitants of North America. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Wonder Why God Let Pagans Get Here First…
  war on women? it's all in your pretty little head

Eric Cantor, Rest Of Cavalry, Put Hammer Down On Injuns Prosecuting White Men For Beating Their Squaws

America has called, and Eric Cantor has answered. He and his compatriots in the GOP Cavalry will block the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (stilllllll) until one little bit of total nonsense, which nobody would miss, is removed. So which of the LIEBERALS’ poison pills is holding up VAWA? Is it the stuff about making it easier for immigrants to testify against abusive citizen-husbands? Is it the part where lesbians are treated as if they are human beings, in human relationships? You would think so, but it is not! Nope, it’s just a small piece of legislative terror whereby Native Americans would be able to prosecute white men (WHITE MEN!!!) for domestic abuse on tribal lands. FUCK THAT NOISE! Read more on Eric Cantor, Rest Of Cavalry, Put Hammer Down On Injuns Prosecuting White Men For Beating Their Squaws…
  one little two little three little debate preps

Tonight At 7PM: Hunk With Truck Faces Professor With Dresser

Tonight at 7PM EST, Miss Lady Rebecca will be live-blogging Massachusetts Senate debate between war-whoopin’ Scott Brown and getting rapidly more pissed off about this whole thing Elizabeth Warren. Be here! Be attentive! Listen for the not-at-all-veiled racism! Read more on Tonight At 7PM: Hunk With Truck Faces Professor With Dresser…
  the professor and mary anne

Scott Brown: Did I Mention Elizabeth Warren Said She Is Indian?

Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown has a second ad out accusing Elizabeth Warren of being totally Indian or something — we can’t remember quite what the accusation is since we’re still a little gobsmacked that in The Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twelve, someone in the US of A is specifically running a campaign based on someone’s skin color with his own mouth instead of, like, Teabagger signs and anonymous robocalls. There must be some kind of polling showing that this attack is working, right? Somewhere? Because otherwise, continuing to beat the issue when the only person it’s hurting is you … well, that would be something Scott Brown would do probably! (WHAT WE ARE SAYING IS HE IS NOT VERY BRIGHT.) Read more on Scott Brown: Did I Mention Elizabeth Warren Said She Is Indian?…
  sure let's talk about this some more

Cherokee Nation Chief Would Like Brown’s Staff To Can It With The War Whoops

Hey, everybody, settle in and let’s hear a story about the great American state of Oklahoma. See, once upon a time there were Native Americans living in the Southeastern United States, and they said, “Hey, these white people moving in have some good ideas about society, maybe let’s live more like them!” And the white people were like “Ha, nice try, we’d actually prefer that you live more like us … in Oklahoma, maybe? Don’t worry, it’s not too far to walk. Then like 70 years later they said, “Well, could we maybe have our own state at least?” And Teddy Roosevelt was like “Nah, man, you should, uh, have a state with the white people living next door to you, and increasingly right there on the land we promised that was yours, yeah, that’ll work too.” Then a lot of the Native Americans were like “Fuck this noise” and married white people and stopped participating in tribal political life and such. But their kids and grandkids remembered they were Native Americans! Even though they had a lot of white ancestors too! But there still are tribal governments in Oklahoma, and every once in a while one of their leaders has to say “OK, Massholes, can it with the casual racism, please.” Read more on Cherokee Nation Chief Would Like Brown’s Staff To Can It With The War Whoops…
  the natives are restless

Scott Brown Sorry Elizabeth Warren Forced His Staffers To Do Indian War Whoops By Being Indian

Hey, remember when Scott Brown was all about being a “nice,” “bipartisan” guy, one whom Massholes could send to the US Senate — even though he was a Republican — because when confronted with, say, a starving homeless child, he didn’t automatically light that starving homeless child on fire? Yeah, that’s not really how he’s playing it now. Now he’s more of a “guy who’s flat out running a campaign based on the color of a person’s skin” type guy, aka “the type of guy who is losing.” See those awesome dudes above, doing tomahawk chops and Indian war cries? Yeah, those are all his top staffers. Read more on Scott Brown Sorry Elizabeth Warren Forced His Staffers To Do Indian War Whoops By Being Indian…
  rumors on the internets

Google Thinks We’re Dumb And Lets Glenn Beck Take Over the Internet

Happy day after a long weekend! Here’s a list of news items that’ll likely bring upon a series of existential questions upon you — do you care what Google thinks of you? Would you sell your soul for coal? Are you going to watch Glenn Beck’s series for the laughs? Think hard on that one. It costs money now. Read more on Google Thinks We’re Dumb And Lets Glenn Beck Take Over the Internet…
  he is a disney princess!

AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Pocahontas Shows What Could Have Been’

Woah woah woah, you guys thought Bryan Fischer hates Native Americans? Why would you ever think that? Would it be from all the columns he’s written about how they’re disgusting drunken savages with no morals who don’t deserve to live in this country? You’re an idiot. You know why? Bryan Fischer likes one (1) whole Indian: Pocahontas. Pocahontas, who was kidnapped by the English and converted to Christianity, is great because she got about as white as a brown person could get. So white she even took on a white name! “Rebecca, the former Pocahontas, showed us what could have been.” Yeah, if the settlers of America had simply kidnapped the Indians and forced them to convert and assimilate, they wouldn’t have had to murder almost all of them! Oh wait, no, the white people never did anything wrong, remember. Murdering was fine. It was the Indians’ fault. Read more on AFA’s Bryan Fischer: ‘Pocahontas Shows What Could Have Been’…