Thursday, August 20: Womenfolk don’t like baseball, so to lure them to a game, the Nats are hosting a women-friendly pre-game tomorrow night. Recognizing that ladies may be frightened by this unnatural habitat, the Nats are offering things only women love: massages and manicures. And because all women love to shop, jewelry, handbags, cosmetics and more will be offered for sale, to women. Will women stay for game? Or will they be overwhelmed by their perfect nails and new handbags and leave before the, uh, “kickoff”?
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Well crap. Somehow it’s almost the end of July. This is when you start thinking, “what the hell have I been doing with my summer?” DON’T LET YOUR SUMMER GO TO WASTE. Our political leaders have traveled, had affairs, and resigned; stars have died; Iran blew up; Honduras went all crazy. You deserve to have just as fulfilling and scandalous a summer as the rest of the world. MORE »

While the economy continued to melt down over the weekend, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke spent a few hours hiding from his life at a Washington Nationals baseball game! Alas, he could not escape his horrible, horrible sadness: “Like at every other professional sporting event, a couple minutes is devoted to throwing out free t-shirts and Ben went after a free t-shirt last night like a man possessed. I have rarely seen such intensity in the eyes of a human being. …Yet, the look of agony upon Ben’s face when the t-shirt slipped through his finger tips struck me as odd.” It’s just one thing after another for this guy, right? [The Foodandbeermonger]

And here is George W. Bush, America’s best president, getting wildly booed at the first regular season baseball game in Washington’s brand new Nationals Park the other night. As a fairly reserved Keith Olbermann says, the catcher for this “ceremonial” first pitch was not the usual Nationals catcher, who takes steroids. The attendees at this game were all locked in the stadium after the game and ceremonially waterboarded, and later killed. [YouTube]

HELP D.C. KIDS FIGHT EVIL NATIONALS BASEBALL PARK: Positive Nature over at 1017 New Jersey Avenue SE is a place for the poor troubled DC kids to hang out and not be shot and to have Hope. But the baseball industry hate kids with problems, so Positive Nature is being forced out of its nice place because of the crazy new property taxes around the new Nationals Park. You could maybe do something good for a change and help ‘em out. [Positive Nature]

* Reliable Source: Everyone skipped work and went to the Nats opener yesterday, except you, sucker. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Yoko Ono said some stuff about peace, cherry blossoms, etc… Tammy Haddad is having her 10th-annual pre-WHCD brunch. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: “Ron Kaufman - the Chairman of Dutko Worldwide and a top Mitt Romney advisor” — forced by rowdy Nats crowd to kiss some poor woman for their amusement… PETA writes Karl Rove a sarcastic letter about how bad his animal-killing joke bombed… The damn WHCD coverage and previewing is here. [Politico]
* Page Six: Sheryl Crow showed up to Dick Durbin’s office wearing an elephant. [NYP]

* Under the Dome: Reuters will compete with Bloomberg for the hottest White House Correspondents’ Association after-party; theirs will be held at Kstreet. . . Tim Russert, David Gregory, and Sen. Kent Conrad attended the Nationals’ home opener. . . Harper’s taps the Los Angeles Times’ Ken Silverstein as its Washington editor. . . Fred Thompson endorses Sen. Chafee. [The Hill]
* Reliable Source: James Carville, Mary Matalin, Tony Williams, and Eleanor Holmes Norton were also on deck for the Nationals’ opener. . . Steve Carell was in town filming scenes for the sequel of “Bruce Almighty”. . . Jack Valenti is working on his memoirs. [WP]
* Page Six: New documentary aims to take Giuliani down a notch. [NYP]