Wonkette

While Wonkette partied their way through a long Friday night, there was much discussion of that cuddly cutie-pie that fills the gaping hole in our heart that’s chewed out daily by cynicism. We speak, of course, of the Stick, and we will not stop speaking of the Stick until the day of his birth — Stickmas — is a Federal holiday. There is, by the way, a growing fifth column already plotting to thwart the dastardly plan to take Butterstick to China, with talk of human shields and prank calls. Ground zero of the plan to save the Stick could be right here.

Today, the folks at the National Zoo describe Butterstick as a “wild child.” He’s chewing shoelaces, playing in his water bowl, and he isn’t taking any crap from moms: “He grabs a mouthful of her hair along with the skin, and pulls and chews relentlessly.” That sentence sounds like it’s straight out of one of the Steinbuch v. Cutler depositions!

Elsewhere in the panda enclosure, Tian Tian is going bananas as well:

MORE »

OMG THEY’RE GOING TO EAT HIM! With bamboo shoots, no less! The irony is cruel, very cruel. MORE »

FONZ has JUST announced additional Stick sighting slots. You have to be a member of the Zoo to snag a space, but, guys: $40. It beats — heh– giving someone a hand job. MORE »

Where is Drudge with that fucking siren!?! Okay, everyone: Deep breath. The panda cam (at Animal Planet, where they don’t LIMIT YOU to 15 minutes like some Zoos I know) is down. What is Butterstick doing? We don’t know! Is he tumbling down his rock pile? Contemplating his paws? Humping the cage bars? Possibly pushing cute beyond previously known boundaries? THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL. FUCK YOU NATIONAL ZOO WHAT KIND OF MONSTERS ARE YOU!!!!! MORE »

[Jason Reed/Reuters]

It’s true: Everyone looks cooler smoking. We knew the pressures of early fame would push Butterstick into bad habits. On the plus side: He could stunt his growth, rendering him adorably pint-sized for years to come. MORE »

• Washington Whispers: Turns out many modern presidents don’t like the Oval Office. . . Springsteen for Senate? In Sen. Jon Corzine’s dream. . . “International incident” may result when the National Zoo must turn over panda Tai Shan to China in two years. . . Sen. Barbara Boxer: “If liberals read [my novel] and it makes them happy, then I consider it a success.” [USN&WR]
• Inside the Beltway: Bush’s trip to the southwest includes fundraising stops for Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ) and Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-CO). [WT]
• Rush & Molloy: Jayson Blair on Judith Miller: “[A] lot of reporters there live by special rules. What scares people at The Times is how quickly you can switch from being a star to being vilified.” [NYDN]

In an highly dubious post, but perhaps serious offer, a Craigslister seeks out another very Washington-specific form of gratification:

If you can get me a ticket to see Tai Shan between now and December 30, I will (I can’t believe I am saying this) give you a handjob, with my hands. Maybe, if you are cute, a BJ. I am serious about this. I really want to see this panda.

Supposedly, she’s a graduate student at a “major” zoological organization so we’re not sure why she needs some average but early-rising Joe to get them for her. Maybe that’s just her “thing.” Though, rest assured: “I am not a ‘psycho’. I just love pandas! I really, really, really want to see Tai Shan.” MORE »

• If you didn’t get your Stick tix today, you’re stuck with the PandaCam. The National Zoo’s Stick showings are booked through Jan. 2. [FONZ]
• On last week’s porn hearings: “One of Brownback’s witnesses apparently testified that masturbation ‘lights up your brain like a parade.’ Which makes me think I need to get to more parades.” [The Agitator]
• Vividblurry’s semi-annual Metro rant: Look at “the ton of banners and posters and placards urging Metro riders to report ’suspicious behavior’ to the station manager. Yeah, have fun with that. You’ll be greeted with a resentful if not vacant stare, assuming she looks up from her copy of Express to take notice of you.” [Vividblurry]
• Bored PandaCam? Stinky plant time! Sort of stinky. Some are disappointed. [WP]