Tag Archives: national zoo

 

Democrats Also Hate Zoo Patrons

We can’t prove the incoming Democratic leadership has anything to do this — nobody will return e-mails today, for some reason — but it’s likely the National Zoo’s new total ban on smoking has Nancy Pelosi’s meddling fingerprints all over it. Read more on Democrats Also Hate Zoo Patrons…
 

Lame Atlanta Panda Gives Birth To Non-Butterstick Panda Baby

What else do you need to know? Some zoo down in CNN-ville has some low-level pandas that make even average pandas seem like Lindsey Lohan. But the incompetent mama panda was somehow inseminated — artificially, like all panda moms, even in the wild — and now there’s a baby panda that experts say is ugly and dumb and obviously no match for Butterstick. Read more on Lame Atlanta Panda Gives Birth To Non-Butterstick Panda Baby…
 

Senate Majority Leader Shirks Duty, Two Gorillas Die

The National Zoo has seen two sudden gorilla deaths in 3 short days. Mopie, 34, died Monday doing what he loved best — joylessly enduring his captivity and suffering through a forced introduction to another (dead) ape’s artificially-assembled “family group.” That other dead gorilla, Kuja, died last Saturday during heart surgery. Read more on Senate Majority Leader Shirks Duty, Two Gorillas Die…
 

Metro Section: The Urban Jungle

* The lion meat sold at Alexandria’s 2941 was a one time offer, however; side orders of giraffe dung are available daily at the zoo. [Freeride] * If you think the potholes on your way to work are a hassle, maybe you should start commuting around some Unexploded Ordnance. [DCist; Crazy Girl City] Read more on Metro Section: The Urban Jungle…
 

Butterstick Goes Wild!

While Wonkette partied their way through a long Friday night, there was much discussion of that cuddly cutie-pie that fills the gaping hole in our heart that’s chewed out daily by cynicism. We speak, of course, of the Stick, and we will not stop speaking of the Stick until the day of his birth — Stickmas — is a Federal holiday. There is, by the way, a growing fifth column already plotting to thwart the dastardly plan to take Butterstick to China, with talk of human shields and prank calls. Ground zero of the plan to save the Stick could be right here. Today, the folks at the National Zoo describe Butterstick as a “wild child.” He’s chewing shoelaces, playing in his water bowl, and he isn’t taking any crap from moms: “He grabs a mouthful of her hair along with the skin, and pulls and chews relentlessly.” That sentence sounds like it’s straight out of one of the Steinbuch v. Cutler depositions! Elsewhere in the panda enclosure, Tian Tian is going bananas as well: Read more on Butterstick Goes Wild!…
 

Dining Out on Butterstick

OMG THEY’RE GOING TO EAT HIM! With bamboo shoots, no less! The irony is cruel, very cruel. Those assholes on the Post message board are going to pay.
 

BREAKING: MORE BUTTERSTICK VIEWING TIMES

FONZ has JUST announced additional Stick sighting slots. You have to be a member of the Zoo to snag a space, but, guys: $40. It beats — heh– giving someone a hand job. Read more on BREAKING: MORE BUTTERSTICK VIEWING TIMES…
 

BREAKING: PANDA CAM DOWN

Where is Drudge with that fucking siren!?! Okay, everyone: Deep breath. The panda cam (at Animal Planet, where they don’t LIMIT YOU to 15 minutes like some Zoos I know) is down. What is Butterstick doing? We don’t know! Is he tumbling down his rock pile? Contemplating his paws? Humping the cage bars? Possibly pushing cute beyond previously known boundaries? THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL. FUCK YOU NATIONAL ZOO WHAT KIND OF MONSTERS ARE YOU!!!!! Read more on BREAKING: PANDA CAM DOWN…
 

Cancer Stick

[Jason Reed/Reuters] It’s true: Everyone looks cooler smoking. We knew the pressures of early fame would push Butterstick into bad habits. On the plus side: He could stunt his growth, rendering him adorably pint-sized for years to come. Read more on Cancer Stick…
 

Gossip Roundup: Falling Stars

• Washington Whispers: Turns out many modern presidents don’t like the Oval Office. . . Springsteen for Senate? In Sen. Jon Corzine‘s dream. . . “International incident” may result when the National Zoo must turn over panda Tai Shan to China in two years. . . Sen. Barbara Boxer: “If liberals read [my novel] and it makes them happy, then I consider it a success.” [USN&WR] • Inside the Beltway: Bush‘s trip to the southwest includes fundraising stops for Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ) and Rep. Marilyn Musgrave (R-CO). [WT] • Rush & Molloy: Jayson Blair on Judith Miller: “[A] lot of reporters there live by special rules. What scares people at The Times is how quickly you can switch from being a star to being vilified.” [NYDN] Read more on Gossip Roundup: Falling Stars…
 

What Would You Do for the Stick?

In an highly dubious post, but perhaps serious offer, a Craigslister seeks out another very Washington-specific form of gratification: If you can get me a ticket to see Tai Shan between now and December 30, I will (I can’t believe I am saying this) give you a handjob, with my hands. Maybe, if you are cute, a BJ. I am serious about this. I really want to see this panda. Supposedly, she’s a graduate student at a “major” zoological organization so we’re not sure why she needs some average but early-rising Joe to get them for her. Maybe that’s just her “thing.” Though, rest assured: “I am not a ‘psycho’. I just love pandas! I really, really, really want to see Tai Shan.” Read more on What Would You Do for the Stick?…
 

Metro Section: Stinky Panda Porn

• If you didn’t get your Stick tix today, you’re stuck with the PandaCam. The National Zoo’s Stick showings are booked through Jan. 2. [FONZ] • On last week’s porn hearings: “One of Brownback’s witnesses apparently testified that masturbation ‘lights up your brain like a parade.’ Which makes me think I need to get to more parades.” [The Agitator] • Vividblurry’s semi-annual Metro rant: Look at “the ton of banners and posters and placards urging Metro riders to report ‘suspicious behavior’ to the station manager. Yeah, have fun with that. You’ll be greeted with a resentful if not vacant stare, assuming she looks up from her copy of Express to take notice of you.” [Vividblurry] • Bored PandaCam? Stinky plant time! Sort of stinky. Some are disappointed. [WP] Read more on Metro Section: Stinky Panda Porn…
 

Butterstick Live

Butterstick tickets are available online now, but good luck getting onto the National Zoo website. Even as we speak, hordes of PandaCam addicts and Stickheads are clogging up the joint. We couldn’t even get the page to load. Luckily, the Wonkette household snagged a set of “preview” tickets and last Saturday — with two borrowed children in tow as cover — we caught a glimpse of His Butteriness in person. In panda. A confession: Our distaste at the pandarazzi popping flash pics of Butterstick was momentarily outweighed by the desperate need to document his mind-melting adorability. Thus the photo at right, snapped while the Stick struggled with a bamboo branch, heroically attempting to extricate his fuzzy noggin. Further highlights after the jump. Read more on Butterstick Live…
 

This Panda Could Be Hazardous to Your Health

Yesterday’s post on the National Zoo’s hideous acid-flashback panda wear and the role of the PandaCam in our life apparently introduced a fair number of people to that labor-wasting device (a.k.a. “The ‘Stick Pic”). We were especially heartened to receive this notice: Read more on This Panda Could Be Hazardous to Your Health…
 

Buttersh*t

We are slightly ashamed to admit that a good deal of the last two hours was spent watching the PandaCam. What’s more, Butterstick was sleeping during most of it. There is truly nothing that can be done that this baby panda cannot make cuter. We’re guessing he craps cute. With a little contented smile on his face. It would appear to be almost impossible to make the ‘Stick anything but cute, except somehow the National Zoo has managed: Sure, replace Butterstick with his “real” name and you’re already lowering expectations, but, wow. That’s some seriously ugly panda wear. And Butterstick has been so good to them. This shirt sort of reminds us about all the animals that died and stuff. Read more on Buttersh*t…