Tag Archives: national zoo

  come on get happy

Screw The National Zoo’s Panda-Cam; Here Are Five Animal-Cams That Aren’t Shut Down

With our government shutdown, obviously caused by Barack Obama insisting on remaining president of the United States after his reelection, there have been terrible things. Terrible things like old men going kamikaze on the WWII memorial on the National Mall, and also the pesky fact that poor women can’t get WIC to feed their babies but whatever. Read more on Screw The National Zoo’s Panda-Cam; Here Are Five Animal-Cams That Aren’t Shut Down…
  no need for women's bodies to shut this thing down

Government Shutdown Saga, Part Eleventy-Flurve

Whoever said that manufacturing was dead was clearly not in the “Congressional crisis” industry. You may have thought that supply was low, or that demand was waning, but Congress is back yet again to manufacture another crisis and shove it down your throat, whether you want it or not. What are we collectively gagging on this week? Government shutdown! Hoorah! We already told you what was gonna happen if/when the government shuts down, but there are so many fun tidbits that it didn’t all fit in one post. Ready for Round 2?  Read more on Government Shutdown Saga, Part Eleventy-Flurve…
  pandaleaks

It’s All Going To Be OK: The Zoo Pandas Signed a Five-Year Extension

Why do we suddenly see members of Congress referring inanely to nerdface Hu Jintao, the weakest leader in the history of the People’s Republic of China, as a “dictator” and a murdering “gangster”? Our pandas have been SECURED. That’s right, Washington, your pandas have signed a five-year extension, so you can rest assured that your mediocre zoo will continue to be somewhat used for something other than as a jogging track. “The pandas may be a cultural attraction we had to borrow from China, but everything in Washington is borrowed from China, and we need something to put on our Metro cards.” But despite the free speech grandstanding, if China suddenly becomes a democracy we probably will lose the pandas, haha. Read more on It’s All Going To Be OK: The Zoo Pandas Signed a Five-Year Extension…
  you can't never forget hard enough

National Zoo Death Panel Murders Brave Bald Eagle

HMM, SYMBOLISM: “Sam, an elderly female bald eagle who had lived at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo since 2003, was euthanized by officials on Dec. 31, authorities said.” First the Smithsonian lets ants just walk all over a crucifix like they own it, and then their death panel decides to kill granny bald eagle, America’s greatest symbol. What’s worse, this socialist D.C.-insider organization put this patriot bird under big-government slavery after simply trying to enjoy the Second Amendment: “Sam… lived in Alaska until 1986, when she was found suffering from a gunshot wound.” Surely she wanted to die living in freedom and not by the hands of some government-funded bureaucrats. Surely Sarah Palin must RT this. Read more on National Zoo Death Panel Murders Brave Bald Eagle…
  'fried calamari' is a good name

Vote To Name National Zoo’s Dumb Octopus ‘Cthulhu’

Ever since the Red Chinese took their panda back to Communist China, Washington’s National Zoo has been a pretty beat-down no-panda-havin’ sort of place. Kids don’t want to go there, not even to get out of school for the day — what does the zoo even have left, as far as animals? Some old deer that wandered into an empty cage? Roaches? The zoo man asked, “We got anything?” And sure enough his neighbor dragged up a nasty-ass octopus when he was fishing down by the Navy Yard. Read more on Vote To Name National Zoo’s Dumb Octopus ‘Cthulhu’…
  china is raping our culture

China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo

Beloved black-and-white poopbag “Butterstick” has finally been seized by our Chinese overlords and flown back to Red China, where the sad worn-out creature will be brutally interrogated for his contacts with the Dalai Lama. And then, magically, the famous bear will suddenly start manufacturing stuff and building gleaming new cities of glass and steel, and instead of poop, 18% annualized growth will shoot from its sore ass. Read more on China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo…
  alive stuffed animals

Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China

Good lord, has it really been five years since famous baby panda “Butterstick” — which means Tai Shan in Chinese — was born in the Washington zoo? Yes it has, even though it feels like at least 50 years ago, and the once-adorable little puppet has turned into an immense, terrifying monster. Sometime this morning, the National Zoo will announce that Butterstick is being sent to China, forever. After all, China’s on the up and America’s on the down & out. Read more on Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China…
  metro section

Panda Pregancy Is Not So Black And White (Sorry!)

It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] Read more on Panda Pregancy Is Not So Black And White (Sorry!)… Read more on Panda Pregancy Is Not So Black And White (Sorry!)…
  meet your meat

Butterstick Takes It Up The Hindquarters For Science

The life of Butterstick the National Zoo panda follows an all-too-common trajectory: we’ve seen him grow from adorable infant to teenage crack-whore to compulsive leg-humper and now, to a middle-aged adult with irritable bowels. Read more on Butterstick Takes It Up The Hindquarters For Science…
  your week in music

Easter Is Now Celebrated with Mole Rats and Reggae

Tonight: British folk-rock stalwart Robyn Hitchcock, of Soft Boys “fame,” will be singing weird lyrics, lecturing his audience, and generally being awesome all over the Black Cat tonight. $20 tickets are still available here. 8PM. [Black Cat] Read more on Easter Is Now Celebrated with Mole Rats and Reggae…
  butterstick

THAT’S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN: “‘Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.” [Washington Post] Read more on …
  metro section

How To See Mythical Creatures Like Pandas And Barack Obama

The National Zoo is getting an exciting aerial tram, for sky views of Tian Tian and Mei Xiang and maybe Knut, way in the distance. [DCist] Here’s a list of all the fancy D.C. schools Sasha and Malia might attend, which features Insider Knowledge like mission statements copied and pasted from the schools’ websites and Google Earth fotos. [HuffPost] Read more on How To See Mythical Creatures Like Pandas And Barack Obama…
 

Attention Whore Knut Turning Into Polar Bear Psychopath

Hey guess what, people? Hillary Clinton is still trying to “woo” superdelegates by sending threatening letters to Nancy Pelosi; Barack Obama continues to shake his head sadly, with dignity; and John McCain wants Democrats to vote for him. In other words, boring news rules the Internet today, which is why we bring you this important update on the increasingly fragile emotional state of the bear who drove the National Zoo’s Butterstick to experiment with hard drugs. Read more on Attention Whore Knut Turning Into Polar Bear Psychopath…
 

Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death

The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. Read more on Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death…
 

China To DC: ‘Keep the Worn-Out Panda; We’ve Got Cute Baby Ones’

The indignity continued for once-popular child star “Butterstick the Panda” today, when the Chinese government refused to take the animal back. Washington was supposed to return Butterstick in July, but the Red Communists said “no thanks.” Read more on China To DC: ‘Keep the Worn-Out Panda; We’ve Got Cute Baby Ones’…
 

Democrats Also Hate Zoo Patrons

We can’t prove the incoming Democratic leadership has anything to do this — nobody will return e-mails today, for some reason — but it’s likely the National Zoo’s new total ban on smoking has Nancy Pelosi’s meddling fingerprints all over it. Read more on Democrats Also Hate Zoo Patrons…
 

Lame Atlanta Panda Gives Birth To Non-Butterstick Panda Baby

What else do you need to know? Some zoo down in CNN-ville has some low-level pandas that make even average pandas seem like Lindsey Lohan. But the incompetent mama panda was somehow inseminated — artificially, like all panda moms, even in the wild — and now there’s a baby panda that experts say is ugly and dumb and obviously no match for Butterstick. Read more on Lame Atlanta Panda Gives Birth To Non-Butterstick Panda Baby…
 

Senate Majority Leader Shirks Duty, Two Gorillas Die

The National Zoo has seen two sudden gorilla deaths in 3 short days. Mopie, 34, died Monday doing what he loved best — joylessly enduring his captivity and suffering through a forced introduction to another (dead) ape’s artificially-assembled “family group.” That other dead gorilla, Kuja, died last Saturday during heart surgery. Read more on Senate Majority Leader Shirks Duty, Two Gorillas Die…
 

Metro Section: The Urban Jungle

* The lion meat sold at Alexandria’s 2941 was a one time offer, however; side orders of giraffe dung are available daily at the zoo. [Freeride] * If you think the potholes on your way to work are a hassle, maybe you should start commuting around some Unexploded Ordnance. [DCist; Crazy Girl City] Read more on Metro Section: The Urban Jungle…
 

Butterstick Goes Wild!

While Wonkette partied their way through a long Friday night, there was much discussion of that cuddly cutie-pie that fills the gaping hole in our heart that’s chewed out daily by cynicism. We speak, of course, of the Stick, and we will not stop speaking of the Stick until the day of his birth — Stickmas — is a Federal holiday. There is, by the way, a growing fifth column already plotting to thwart the dastardly plan to take Butterstick to China, with talk of human shields and prank calls. Ground zero of the plan to save the Stick could be right here. Today, the folks at the National Zoo describe Butterstick as a “wild child.” He’s chewing shoelaces, playing in his water bowl, and he isn’t taking any crap from moms: “He grabs a mouthful of her hair along with the skin, and pulls and chews relentlessly.” That sentence sounds like it’s straight out of one of the Steinbuch v. Cutler depositions! Elsewhere in the panda enclosure, Tian Tian is going bananas as well: Read more on Butterstick Goes Wild!…
 

Dining Out on Butterstick

OMG THEY’RE GOING TO EAT HIM! With bamboo shoots, no less! The irony is cruel, very cruel. Those assholes on the Post message board are going to pay.