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Posts Tagged ‘national zoo’

Attention Whore Knut Turning Into Polar Bear Psychopath

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Total psycho.Hey guess what, people? Hillary Clinton is still trying to “woo” superdelegates by sending threatening letters to Nancy Pelosi; Barack Obama continues to shake his head sadly, with dignity; and John McCain wants Democrats to vote for him. In other words, boring news rules the Internet today, which is why we bring you this important update on the increasingly fragile emotional state of the bear who drove the National Zoo’s Butterstick to experiment with hard drugs. MORE »


Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death

Thursday, March 20th, 2008

Unrepentant pimpThe kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. MORE »


China To DC: ‘Keep the Worn-Out Panda; We’ve Got Cute Baby Ones’

Tuesday, April 24th, 2007

Someone's got it in for me, they're planting stories in the press - WonketteThe indignity continued for once-popular child star “Butterstick the Panda” today, when the Chinese government refused to take the animal back. MORE »


Democrats Also Hate Zoo Patrons

Friday, November 24th, 2006

Sorry, butterfuck! - WonketteWe can’t prove the incoming Democratic leadership has anything to do this — nobody will return e-mails today, for some reason — but it’s likely the National Zoo’s new total ban on smoking has Nancy Pelosi’s meddling fingerprints all over it. MORE »


Lame Atlanta Panda Gives Birth To Non-Butterstick Panda Baby

Thursday, September 7th, 2006

Ashamed at having such a lame-ass non-Butterstick panda baby - WonketteWhat else do you need to know? Some zoo down in CNN-ville has some low-level pandas that make even average pandas seem like Lindsey Lohan. MORE »


Senate Majority Leader Shirks Duty, Two Gorillas Die

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

The National Zoo has seen two sudden gorilla deaths in 3 short days. Mopie, 34, died Monday doing what he loved best — joylessly enduring his captivity and suffering through a forced introduction to another (dead) ape’s artificially-assembled “family group.” That other dead gorilla, Kuja, died last Saturday during heart surgery. MORE »


Metro Section: The Urban Jungle

Thursday, May 18th, 2006

* The lion meat sold at Alexandria’s 2941 was a one time offer, however; side orders of giraffe dung are available daily at the zoo. [Freeride] MORE »


All Grown Up

Monday, January 9th, 2006

Butterstick Goes Wild!

Monday, December 19th, 2005

Stickygoodness.jpgWhile Wonkette partied their way through a long Friday night, there was much discussion of that cuddly cutie-pie that fills the gaping hole in our heart that’s chewed out daily by cynicism. We speak, of course, of the Stick, and we will not stop speaking of the Stick until the day of his birth — Stickmas — is a Federal holiday. There is, by the way, a growing fifth column already plotting to thwart the dastardly plan to take Butterstick to China, with talk of human shields and prank calls. Ground zero of the plan to save the Stick could be right here.

Today, the folks at the National Zoo describe Butterstick as a “wild child.” He’s chewing shoelaces, playing in his water bowl, and he isn’t taking any crap from moms: “He grabs a mouthful of her hair along with the skin, and pulls and chews relentlessly.” That sentence sounds like it’s straight out of one of the Steinbuch v. Cutler depositions!

Elsewhere in the panda enclosure, Tian Tian is going bananas as well:

MORE »


Dining Out on Butterstick

Wednesday, December 7th, 2005

Panda Post
OMG THEY’RE GOING TO EAT HIM! With bamboo shoots, no less! The irony is cruel, very cruel. MORE »