Attention Whore Knut Turning Into Polar Bear Psychopath
Thursday, March 27th, 2008
Hey guess what, people? Hillary Clinton is still trying to “woo” superdelegates by sending threatening letters to Nancy Pelosi; Barack Obama continues to shake his head sadly, with dignity; and John McCain wants Democrats to vote for him. In other words, boring news rules the Internet today, which is why we bring you this important update on the increasingly fragile emotional state of the bear who drove the National Zoo’s Butterstick to experiment with hard drugs. MORE »
Hey guess what, people? Hillary Clinton is still trying to “woo” superdelegates by sending threatening letters to Nancy Pelosi; Barack Obama continues to shake his head sadly, with dignity; and John McCain wants Democrats to vote for him. In other words, boring news rules the Internet today, which is why we bring you this important update on the increasingly fragile emotional state of the bear who drove the National Zoo’s Butterstick to experiment with hard drugs. MORE »
The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. 
The indignity continued for once-popular child star “Butterstick the Panda” today, when the Chinese government refused to take the animal back. 
We can’t prove the incoming Democratic leadership has anything to do this — nobody will return e-mails today, for some reason — but it’s likely the National Zoo’s new total ban on smoking has Nancy Pelosi’s meddling fingerprints all over it. 
What else do you need to know? Some zoo down in CNN-ville has some low-level pandas that make even average pandas seem like Lindsey Lohan. 
The National Zoo has seen two sudden gorilla deaths in 3 short days. Mopie, 34, died Monday doing what he loved best — joylessly enduring his captivity and suffering through a forced introduction to another (dead) ape’s artificially-assembled “family group.” That other dead gorilla, Kuja, died last Saturday during heart surgery. 
While Wonkette partied their way through a long Friday night, there was much discussion of that cuddly cutie-pie that fills the gaping hole in our heart that’s chewed out daily by cynicism. We speak, of course, of the Stick, and we will not stop speaking of the Stick until the day of his birth — Stickmas — is a Federal holiday. There is, by the way, a growing fifth column already plotting to thwart the dastardly plan to take Butterstick to China, with talk of human shields and prank calls. Ground zero of the plan to save the Stick could be 